Seize the Day
Chapter 5
Chapter 5
Brian POV
To my big surprise I absolutely felt no pain inside of me. Usually people got upset or started to cry when their partners choose to break up but I didn’t feel anything else than emptiness inside. No need to scream or just to cry out. Nothing. I only wondered why Zacky seemed so down since he came downstairs. I remembered that he has been in his best mood when I decided to start eating breakfast while he had to do something. He hasn’t been really clear of what he was about to do but I wasn’t that curious to know every single detail.
“What happened? Why did you cry?” I asked concerned.
“Cried?” he looked at me confused and removed the last single tear that just went down his cheek “Real men don’t cry.”
I’ve had no idea why he denied all his feelings especially when it was so obvious. Ok I wasn’t different the last days and tried to play one happy guy while I was only hiding behind my mask. Emotional chaos was nothing compared of what I felt deep inside.
So I really couldn’t blame him if he choose to keep things for himself as long there was nothing serious behind all that. After all it was a little bit strange that his girlfriend didn’t visit him once while we toured through the states. Even Michelle has been there for a few days but only to look after her sister. Both were really excited of that upcoming baby.
“Would you like to explain it to me why she has been here?” Zacky tried to change the topic.
“She wants the divorce” I sighed out loud looking for the last time at the wedding ring.
It was engraved with our initials with the words “forever bound”. The silver ring that felt like a pillow on my hand had a little diamond as well. By looking at the ring for a little while I remembered the most beautiful day in my life. A warm day in May that I only spent with the ones I loved from the bottom of my heart. I remembered how nervous I was and how Rev tried to change my mind. He never really believed in love. Friends were more important for him but that only has been his view to this. Not mine. Though I knew he was happy for me and that has been the first day when I saw him touched by the moment I said ‘I do’.
It wasn’t only a ring – that ring carried a lots of wonderful memories that will always stick with me – no matter where life would take me. Then I put the ring with the divorce papers into my pocket of my black jacket. Out of sight. Out of mind.
“I’m really sorry.”
“You don’t have to be sorry for this Zacky. It was necessary and you all have been right. She wasn’t the right one I guess and I think I have realized this the last days.”
“Surprisingly after all your drinking sessions of the last days” he raised his eyebrow.
I had to smirk at this as well. I really have been crazy the last days but only tried to numb all my pain. The whiskey bottle became to one great friend. He would never ignore me or let me down as so many people suddenly did. Zacky was excluded from all of that. Next to Jimmy he was one great companion and I was surprised that he didn’t take the next flight back home when he had his chance.
“Yeah I can’t turn back the time though I wish I could sometimes. But that decision to move on and start a new life is one of the best decision I’ve ever made. I don’t feel any pain. Not much has changed anyway only that I don’t have to carry a big burden on my shoulders anymore. Finally I feel free” I felt how a little smile appeared on my face.
He nodded resignedly. Zacky had nothing to say to this. Shouldn’t he be really happy that I finally broke up with her?! I bet that he even started a little bet behind my back when I finally found out that she wasn’t the one. But now it came true there was no sign that he was happy about it. Quite the opposite. His face seemed really cold. Emotionless. It is not that he was the one that run around with a big smile on my face but I knew him since a long time – I could always read his feelings through his eyes.
“Would you like to tell me now why she choose that way? I mean many people work on their relationship first before they choose to cut all the lines” he mumbled against his hand.
I have had no reason anymore to keep all these things secret. The cat was out of the bag and it was bound to happen sooner or later anyway.
“She said that I really didn’t support her after that big loss a few months ago” I swallowed hard.
“What big loss are you talking about?” he seemed really surprised.
“Michelle was pregnant” I whispered but loud enough that he was able to hear it “We were really happy that it finally happened. Since Val got pregnant we started to plan a family as well. I never thought that I could be a dad one day. Just a few days later some pain started to show up. We thought it is normal but when it got worse we went to the hospital to see a doctor. That day was one of the worst days in my life. It was the day when the doctor told me that she lost her child. I did ask him what could have caused the sudden pain and he answered short ‘the alcohol’. We all know her love to the alcohol but I blamed myself for that.”
“Why? You absolutely have no reason to blame yourself for that” he was disgusted by my words.
“Like I said we all knew that. So I should have known that she wouldn’t change that but I wasn’t at home to make her stop.”
“Brian, now you really sound ridiculous. Do you think you would have changed that even when you would have been home?! That’s absurd. It is really tragic what happened – let’s admit that but don’t try to blame yourself for that.”
“I know you are right but that’s how I felt that day. I understand now that it was wrong and feel better now though it still hurts me to see Val so happy. She deserves all the happiness, no question. It is only that I would like to feel the same excitement and joy to become a daddy as Matt does. Maybe it would have helped us.”
Zacky shook his head.
“When it doesn’t happen today it happens tomorrow, next week, next year or whenever. A baby doesn’t help to rescue a relationship. Remember about the Abraham Lincoln speech about a house divided itself shall not stand. The same goes for relationships. So you better face the cold truth now than having a baby and ripping a whole family apart.”
He really struggled to find the right words for this situation. I guess that he might had a talk with his girlfriend to make one big decision as well. The whole scenario with Michelle and me only reminded him about his own problems, maybe.
I only choose not to talk about it because I have had to accept this for myself and realize that it wasn’t my fault. That’s my way to handle situations as I tried to explain it to Michelle a few moments ago.
“But I’m really sorry for that as well. I guess you would be a great daddy anyway. Why don’t you learn to be a good uncle first?!”
I knew he just tried to cheer me up but I couldn’t think about anything else than at Jimmy. I kept checking my mobile phone if he sent me a message. No sign. The last message I got from him only said that he was about to go to a party. That’s all. I couldn’t think of anything why he was mad at me and started to ignore me.
Maybe he just had lost his phone but he could have leave me a message through the other guys. It was nearly impossible that they all lost their phones to the same time.
“I think I need to tell you something” Zacky swallowed, his eyes focused on the floor.
A cold shower was running down my spine. If Zacky started like this it didn’t mean something good. His gestures were too obvious that he would say now ‘I will be daddy soon’, just for example. He frightened me a little bit to be honest. So I waited what he had to say now.
Brian POV
To my big surprise I absolutely felt no pain inside of me. Usually people got upset or started to cry when their partners choose to break up but I didn’t feel anything else than emptiness inside. No need to scream or just to cry out. Nothing. I only wondered why Zacky seemed so down since he came downstairs. I remembered that he has been in his best mood when I decided to start eating breakfast while he had to do something. He hasn’t been really clear of what he was about to do but I wasn’t that curious to know every single detail.
“What happened? Why did you cry?” I asked concerned.
“Cried?” he looked at me confused and removed the last single tear that just went down his cheek “Real men don’t cry.”
I’ve had no idea why he denied all his feelings especially when it was so obvious. Ok I wasn’t different the last days and tried to play one happy guy while I was only hiding behind my mask. Emotional chaos was nothing compared of what I felt deep inside.
So I really couldn’t blame him if he choose to keep things for himself as long there was nothing serious behind all that. After all it was a little bit strange that his girlfriend didn’t visit him once while we toured through the states. Even Michelle has been there for a few days but only to look after her sister. Both were really excited of that upcoming baby.
“Would you like to explain it to me why she has been here?” Zacky tried to change the topic.
“She wants the divorce” I sighed out loud looking for the last time at the wedding ring.
It was engraved with our initials with the words “forever bound”. The silver ring that felt like a pillow on my hand had a little diamond as well. By looking at the ring for a little while I remembered the most beautiful day in my life. A warm day in May that I only spent with the ones I loved from the bottom of my heart. I remembered how nervous I was and how Rev tried to change my mind. He never really believed in love. Friends were more important for him but that only has been his view to this. Not mine. Though I knew he was happy for me and that has been the first day when I saw him touched by the moment I said ‘I do’.
It wasn’t only a ring – that ring carried a lots of wonderful memories that will always stick with me – no matter where life would take me. Then I put the ring with the divorce papers into my pocket of my black jacket. Out of sight. Out of mind.
“I’m really sorry.”
“You don’t have to be sorry for this Zacky. It was necessary and you all have been right. She wasn’t the right one I guess and I think I have realized this the last days.”
“Surprisingly after all your drinking sessions of the last days” he raised his eyebrow.
I had to smirk at this as well. I really have been crazy the last days but only tried to numb all my pain. The whiskey bottle became to one great friend. He would never ignore me or let me down as so many people suddenly did. Zacky was excluded from all of that. Next to Jimmy he was one great companion and I was surprised that he didn’t take the next flight back home when he had his chance.
“Yeah I can’t turn back the time though I wish I could sometimes. But that decision to move on and start a new life is one of the best decision I’ve ever made. I don’t feel any pain. Not much has changed anyway only that I don’t have to carry a big burden on my shoulders anymore. Finally I feel free” I felt how a little smile appeared on my face.
He nodded resignedly. Zacky had nothing to say to this. Shouldn’t he be really happy that I finally broke up with her?! I bet that he even started a little bet behind my back when I finally found out that she wasn’t the one. But now it came true there was no sign that he was happy about it. Quite the opposite. His face seemed really cold. Emotionless. It is not that he was the one that run around with a big smile on my face but I knew him since a long time – I could always read his feelings through his eyes.
“Would you like to tell me now why she choose that way? I mean many people work on their relationship first before they choose to cut all the lines” he mumbled against his hand.
I have had no reason anymore to keep all these things secret. The cat was out of the bag and it was bound to happen sooner or later anyway.
“She said that I really didn’t support her after that big loss a few months ago” I swallowed hard.
“What big loss are you talking about?” he seemed really surprised.
“Michelle was pregnant” I whispered but loud enough that he was able to hear it “We were really happy that it finally happened. Since Val got pregnant we started to plan a family as well. I never thought that I could be a dad one day. Just a few days later some pain started to show up. We thought it is normal but when it got worse we went to the hospital to see a doctor. That day was one of the worst days in my life. It was the day when the doctor told me that she lost her child. I did ask him what could have caused the sudden pain and he answered short ‘the alcohol’. We all know her love to the alcohol but I blamed myself for that.”
“Why? You absolutely have no reason to blame yourself for that” he was disgusted by my words.
“Like I said we all knew that. So I should have known that she wouldn’t change that but I wasn’t at home to make her stop.”
“Brian, now you really sound ridiculous. Do you think you would have changed that even when you would have been home?! That’s absurd. It is really tragic what happened – let’s admit that but don’t try to blame yourself for that.”
“I know you are right but that’s how I felt that day. I understand now that it was wrong and feel better now though it still hurts me to see Val so happy. She deserves all the happiness, no question. It is only that I would like to feel the same excitement and joy to become a daddy as Matt does. Maybe it would have helped us.”
Zacky shook his head.
“When it doesn’t happen today it happens tomorrow, next week, next year or whenever. A baby doesn’t help to rescue a relationship. Remember about the Abraham Lincoln speech about a house divided itself shall not stand. The same goes for relationships. So you better face the cold truth now than having a baby and ripping a whole family apart.”
He really struggled to find the right words for this situation. I guess that he might had a talk with his girlfriend to make one big decision as well. The whole scenario with Michelle and me only reminded him about his own problems, maybe.
I only choose not to talk about it because I have had to accept this for myself and realize that it wasn’t my fault. That’s my way to handle situations as I tried to explain it to Michelle a few moments ago.
“But I’m really sorry for that as well. I guess you would be a great daddy anyway. Why don’t you learn to be a good uncle first?!”
I knew he just tried to cheer me up but I couldn’t think about anything else than at Jimmy. I kept checking my mobile phone if he sent me a message. No sign. The last message I got from him only said that he was about to go to a party. That’s all. I couldn’t think of anything why he was mad at me and started to ignore me.
Maybe he just had lost his phone but he could have leave me a message through the other guys. It was nearly impossible that they all lost their phones to the same time.
“I think I need to tell you something” Zacky swallowed, his eyes focused on the floor.
A cold shower was running down my spine. If Zacky started like this it didn’t mean something good. His gestures were too obvious that he would say now ‘I will be daddy soon’, just for example. He frightened me a little bit to be honest. So I waited what he had to say now.