Sweet Home... Minnesota?

I’ve got a crush on a dude which is weird because I’m a straight guy. No, I’m not bisexual, or questioning, or gay, or anything, I’m straight. I just like a dude, which contradicts my straightness, but I am straight. I am positive of that much. I just really want to make out with this one guy who has, like, a dick.

Frank is a guy, and I am a guy, and I am straight, but I have a crush on Frank who is gay. I can say it all I want but I’m sure my math is right, I just don’t get it. I’m confusing the shit out of myself.

I’m not exactly of the best mental stability in my life, so maybe it’s because of the pressure of my world falling apart around me that’s got me feeling like this, but I really want to date Frank or something? Maybe it’s just my curiosity being blown out of proportions by the fact that I’ve managed to find a gay guy who is physically attractive and short on prey. He’s in a town which is scarce in the department of single homosexuals, and maybe I’m just curious. If I’m just curious then why do I have the lingering thirst to stick my tongue in his mouth?

Mikey is busying himself with something in the kitchen when I ask him a question that I didn’t intend to actually ask, “Hey Mikes is it weird that I find your friend Frank attractive?”

“Well Frank is attractive so I’m going to have to go with no,” Mikey replies.

“Yeah but I’m not gay. I don’t like guys, but I think he’s good looking,” I say.

“So? I find Scarlett Johansson attractive, but you don’t see me kicking up a fuss.”

“I guess you’re right,” I concede.

“’Course I am, I’ve always been the smart one,” Mikey says smiling.

“And the arrogant one,” I say, laughing at him, even though his form of haughty is just a tilt of the head.

“You say arrogant, I say confident,” Mikey answers.

It’s quiet for a few minutes before Mikey says, “Are you going to do anything about it?”

“About what?”

“Your shameless crush on Frank,” Mikey says, like it’s an everyday topic that people just talk about.

“Wait, who has a shameless crush on Frank?” A voice asks, and Pete enters the room with a broad grin.

“Gerard does,” Mikey says.

“I don’t. Not a shameless crush. Not even a crush. I find him physically appealing,” I say.

“You have a big gay crush on Frank,” Mikey says, angling his eyes to look at me judgingly.

“I thought you were straight,” Pete says.

“I am straight!”

“You’re crush on Frank would suggest otherwise,” Pete replies.

What the fuck are they doing to me, it’s like I’m being ganged up on.

“I do not have a crush on Frank,” I repeat, “and I’m not gay either. I just think he’s good looking. I also think that Matt Damon is good looking, so sue me.”

“Everyone thinks Matt Damon is good looking, bro,” Mikey says, and Pete turns to give me this really serious face and nods.

“God, think whatever the fuck you want. I’m going to Frank house,” I say.

“To stick your tongue down his throat?” Mikey asks.

“Remind me to never tell you anything of importance ever again. Ever. You two are awful.”

Mikey gives me a devilish smile before I throw the door closed and walk over to my car. I guess it’s become a routine with me. Frank is always at Mikey’s house, and if he’s not I’ll just find myself over at his. He’s really convivial, but also exceedingly trenchant. It’s actually rather disarming.

Somehow we always end up talking about really strange things that normal people don’t talk about. There’s a tacit atmosphere that when I’m in Frank’s house, I’m not pretending to be anyone. He doesn’t let me, he’ll call me out on my bullshit if he even gets a hint of it. Maybe that’s why I’m drawn to him, because he’s the polar opposite of the people I usually talk to. Everyone is always walking on broken glass around me, but I’m not a child deserving of your sense of fragility. I’m a fucking human whose head isn’t screwed on properly.

“See the thing is that I’m wondering why you moved to a town with no, like, guys. Like, there’s no one to really fall in love with or anything so why did you come here?”

“Well my life does not revolve round my sex life, strange as it seems,” Frank starts.

“You know that’s not what I meant.”

“Yeah I know, I’m just teasing you,” He says smiling, “I mean I guess I just wanted something new. I’ll go back someday, maybe. Probably. I’m still young though, I have time to find someone, or no one at all. I guess it just depends on how the cards play out.”

“So you don’t care?”

“I’ve got a long life to live, and I think I want to try doing it by myself before I find someone to share it with. Now that’s not to say that I’d ever say no to it, if I was handed someone really amazing, but I’m not really looking right now. I’ve set my line, but I’m not really watching it or anything. If I happen to catch a fish then that’s great, but it’s not essential right now.”

“You have a way with words. You could be a poet,” I say fondly.

“You know who has a way with words is Pete,” Frank says.

“Yep Pete’s good with words. He was a poet in high school. Got a lot of praise for some of it,” I say.

“Really?” Frank asks, looking like I just told him something really juicy. “God, I just love hearing people in this town talk about each other. Like you all know each other. You’re all acquainted and shit. It’s really nice, and I like the way you all seem like a big family.”

“Ugh, that’s one of the things I hate. I hate people thinking they know me. I’ve always hated this town, but you already know that.”

“Yeah, I get it. You seem like you really were miserable, Gerard. I haven’t seen that as much though. Granted, I’ve only known you for a little while, but it seems like you’re getting better.”

I shrug, “Ironic, because the source of my disparity is this godforsaken town.”

“Are you sure about that? I feel like this town is making you better. I think seeing Mikey and all your old friends is really making a difference.”

“Well you don’t know me very well. Not at my best. God, I hate it here. It’s not as bad as it used to be, but I do. Before I moved away from this town, I couldn’t even bring myself to get out of bed. I just sort of stayed in all the time like a fucking hermit, and watched Friends reruns. It was torture,” I reply.

“But was it the town doing that to you, or was it you telling yourself that it was the town, because you didn’t want to blame yourself,” Frank asks.

“Please, for god’s sake don’t get all ‘therapist’ on me, Frank.”

“No I’m not trying to, I just don’t think a town can have that kind of power on someone. You seen Elizabethtown?”

“The movie?” I ask, “no, why?”

“Well it’s just that the character in that movie, goes to this town determined to hate it, and convinces himself he does, but he finds his catalyst and it makes him better, and feel a little happier about where he’s ended up. Maybe Mikey is your catalyst.”

Yeah or maybe Frank is my catalyst.

“There’s so many movies about going back home though, and finding some long lost love from your childhood or whatever, why do I have to follow that?”

Frank shrugs, “Maybe you should. Look, we’ve all been through a bad breakup, and when you’re already sad, it’s probably a million times worse so maybe a little romance isn’t a bad idea for you. I’m not saying you need a rebound, besides I think it’s been long enough now for you to consider it a step back into the world.”

“I think I’ll hold off, I’m a little confused with what I’m doing right now. I don’t have a job, or a proper house, and I’m living with my brother. It’s just not right for me right now,” and I have a crush on a dude. So what if I told Mikey and Pete it wasn’t a real crush? I can keep my own secrets.

“I guess we’re both just hopeless duds in the dating game, aren’t we?” Frank sighs.

“Well at least we can derive our excuse from the state of this town,” I say.

“That is called deflection.”

“I deflect a lot of things, I think this is one thing that you can just let slide. I don’t need another person to make me feel whole again,” I say, surprised that the insinuation is that I’m in need of a partner to make me feel better.

“I never intended for you to take my meaning like that, I just think that everything is always a little brighter when you have someone to share it with. Like, you don’t go to the movies by yourself. You don’t go to dinner by yourself. You don’t dance by yourself,” Frank says.

“So what? I need someone to dance with?”

“You need someone who you’re happy to just dance with,” Frank says, “mind you, I could use someone like that as well.”

“So you’re telling me to base my love life off of a Beatles song?”

“If you want to get technical, yes,” Frank says. “Someone whose hand you want to hold would work too.”

I frown, looking at Frank’s hand for a moment before realizing what I’m doing.

“Look, I’m a bit corny today,” Frank says, “I watched a bunch of chick flicks last night, Nick and Norah among those chick flicks, and I could honestly give you the whole damn quote about the Beatles being dead on, but you know the shtick. Don’t tire yourself trying to find someone though, just let yourself go with the flow.”

“You’re such a sap,” I say rolling my eyes.

“Yeah, but which one of us is frowning here,” Frank points out.