Sweet Home... Minnesota?

I know it’s going to be a bad day just by the feeling in my gut, but I try to shove that away, because I like pretending I’m not fucked up. I am though, and I can feel it, coming up like a hurricane. It’s worse than a hurricane though, because no one can see it so they don’t understand just how painful it is.

For some reason Frank is more attractive today. Maybe it’s because I feel like hiding under the sheets in my bed, but he’s still really pretty. He doesn’t look any different though, so it’s probably in my head.

I don’t know what comes over me, but I just can’t stop myself. It’s like my whole body is fighting it and then it catches me off guard and I go for it. I turn to Frank and I kiss him, and I feel awful about not warning him, but I really needed this. I need to kiss him.

He yelps in surprise and then falls limp for a minute. He seems to realize what’s happening then, and puts his hand on my chin to push me away from his lips, but to keep me close.

“You’re straight,” he states and his eyes look more than confused.

“I know,” I whimper regretfully.

“So what was...?” he looks so lost. I’m about five inches away from him now with his hand still on my chin and his touch feels like liquid fire.

“I’m really not sure,” I admit.

He gulps trying to form words and then says, “Gerard do you like me? Like, do you like me?

I don’t know what to say other than, “yeah.”

He looks even more muddled by that answer and tries to shake the confusion away while looking everywhere and nowhere at all. He takes a minute, but then looks back at me and then stares down at his hand that’s still under my chin. He turns pink before my eyes and then pulls his hand away.

He looks unsure of himself and looks down at his knees with his face a mixture of fear and innocence.

I feel wretched now, I just ruined the poor kid’s life! He looks so upset, and it’s my fault. I should’ve been stronger. I should’ve controlled myself. I just messed up whatever friendship we were having, and I feel nauseous at the whole thing.

“Oh my god,” I say on the verge of panicking, “I am so sorry. I can’t believe... I mean, I just ruined everything. Shit!”

“What?” Frank asks, and he looks surprised to see me sitting here.

“I’m so sorry. I’m such a fuckup. I completely-” I shake my head not able to find words to describe how badly I screwed up, and I jump up to my feet, “I’ll leave. Oh god, you probably hate me!”

“What?” He asks looking so beyond confused that it’s almost like he’s trying to remember his own name, “What’s going on? I- just, gah! I’m not getting something here.”

I don’t know what to say in return. He stands up to be a little closer to eye level with me and he looks imploringly at me, making my stomach churn with dread. I can’t believe I managed to make Frank so distraught.

“You don’t like guys,” Frank says trying to piece things together, and he uses his hands to try and make himself see the picture better, “but I’m a guy, and you like me?”

I don’t nod or do anything, but he looks at me like he’s trying to answer the hardest question in the universe.

“How does that work?” He asks.

“I don’t,” I say trying to grasp the concept myself, “I just don’t know.”

“Is it because I’m gay that you like me?” He asks.

“No!” I say quickly.

“Well then why? How does a straight guy like another guy?”

“I don’t know! Okay?” It comes out a little angrier than I’d intended, “I just do.”

“But,” he makes a groaning sound and I understand it completely. It’s just a noise that means, ‘what?’ with as much exasperation as you can possibly put behind that one word.

“I’ll just... I’ll just leave. I’m so sorry Frank.”

I turn slightly but Frank grabs my shoulder, “why do you think I hate you?”

“Because,” it’s actually a lot harder to find a reason than I thought, “because you don’t like me back, and I kissed you. That was wrong!”

“It was like a mistake or something? A momentary break? Why would that make me hate you?”

“You don’t hate me?” I ask.

“Well, I don’t think I do,” he answers blatantly.

“But you don’t actually like me?” I say knowing the answer before he says it.

“Well I don’t know. I never, I mean, I never considered it. I’ve never thought about you, because you’re straight.”

I take that as a no and feel almost ready to cry or something. I don’t know why. His rejection hurts more than it should. I was already feeling like shit, this is just the last straw.

“Are you sure you’re not gay? Or bi, at least?” He asks.

“I’m positive. It’s just you, Frank. You’re the only guy I’ve ever felt legitimately attracted to,” I answer him with certainty.

“Okay,” he nods looking a little calmer now and almost fascinated by the predicament, which is a stunningly odd look concerning the situation.

“What is going on with you Frank?” I ask after it’s almost two minutes and he hasn’t said a word. He’s looking at the wall behind me, and his hand is still on my shoulder.

“I’m trying to figure something out,” he answers, blankly.

It takes another few minutes. The most painfully long minutes of my entire life. My eyes don’t waver from looking at him, and his eyes are trained on the wall just as mine are on him.

“Okay,” he says finally and looks up at me looking resolved. I don’t know what to ask, so I don’t ask anything, and I let him look at me for a few moments before he speaks again.

“Okay Gerard, I think I understand now,” it took him that long to figure out what’s going on?

“And?”

“And what? I just said I understand.”

“Well are you mad at me?”

“No,” he says looking concerned that I’d even think that, “I’m okay with it. I just needed to get it straight in my head.”

“I need to get straight in my head,” I answer back with utter desperation.

“What? Gerard, no one is mad at you for being confused. You’re at a crossroads, I get that. Why do you think you need to change yourself?”

“Because you’re not attracted to me, and I just made an idiot of-”

“You’re putting words in my mouth, Gerard. I never said that!”

“So you are attracted to me?” I ask skeptically.

“I didn’t say that either,” he replies, “Look Gerard, I’m just a little frazzled right now. I don’t know how I feel about you. I just need some time to think.”

That’s a no. It’s a soft no, but it’s a definite no. That’s his way of gently telling me it’s never going to happen, I just know that that’s what he means.

“I need to get away from you,” I shake my head trying to sort things out, and I brush his hand off my shoulder, “I just need to get away from you.”

“What?” He looks completely surprised.

“You’re confusing me Frank! I’m straight. I can’t like you, that’s not how this works!” I turn away and walk over the carpet quickly, hearing him follow behind.

“Gerard stop, I haven’t given you an answer!”

“Frank this is bad. This is wrong, I just can’t see you.”

“Can’t see me right now or at all?”

I frown, realizing now that I have made it to the entrance with my fingers around the door handle, “At all, Frank. You’re confusing the shit out of me and it’s scary.”

He looks devastated by my answer, but I know it’s the right thing to say, “No, please-”

“I can’t be near you Frank! I just... I’ve got to go,” I say and I pull the door open, then step out into the groggy night. The mosquitoes swarm around me as soon as I step into the fresh air and speed walk over to my car.

“Gerard wait!” Frank yells, running to catch up behind me, but I just walk quicker and pull open my door. Frank’s hand appears behind me and slams the door closed, so I turn to look at him, pleading for him to just let me leave.

“Frank, let me go,” I say trying to sound stern.

“No! Not with you thinking I’m mad at you or something!”

“I don’t think you’re mad, just please, let me go!”

“Stop this Gerard, you’re acting like a child.”

I exhale trying not to get angry with him, “Frank I don’t want to be around you. I don’t want to like you. I hate myself for liking you.”

Frank looks hurt when I say this and that provides me enough of a distraction to pull the door open and situate myself inside. Frank recovers a moment too late because I lock the door and he knocks furiously on the window. I feel like the worst person in the world, I kind of am the worst person in the world. I sit here for a minute trying to keep myself from crying before I finally turn the key in the ignition. I hear Frank’s pounding for me to stop so I look at him through the window, and he looks like I just stabbed him. It hurts to see that face so broken and I put my hand on the wheel. At this, however, his face turns instantly into fury and he steps in front of my car.

I want to just sit there and cry but I don’t do that I just slump in my seat and mentally beg him to let me go.

He looks at me through the front window and I can feels his ample rage in his eyes. I open the window, tentatively not wanting to let the mosquitoes in, but I do anyway.

“Would you please move Frank?” I plea.

“No, Gerard! You’re acting so childish. I want you to look at what you’re doing,” he shouts back at me, not moving.

“I’m scared of myself around you, Frank. I’m not into guys, and then there’s you, and it’s really terrifying. I need to get away from you!”

“What’s so wrong with liking me?” he asks defensively.

“Nothing, that’s the point, Frank! You’re perfect, and sweet, and you fucking put up with me. It’s not okay for me to like you though, because I’m so messed up. I am so stuck in this shit, and I can’t be gay as well. I can’t like another guy,” I say, and it sounds so rude when the words actually come out of my mouth.

“Being gay is wrong?” He asks harshly.

“You know I don’t think that, but for me it’s not right. That’s why I can’t be around you.”

“Running away from me isn’t going to solve your problems. It’s not going to make anything seem clear. Running away now will only make things worse tomorrow. It’ll make tomorrow so much worse and harder to live.”

“I can’t get over this feeling though while I’m with you!” I say.

He looks so disappointed in that answer and walks over to my window to look at me, “who says you need to get over it?”

I shake my head, and look at the steering wheel under my fingertips, “I’m sorry, Frank.”

That’s all I say before I just pull the car quickly away from him, and forward away from his house.

For five minutes all I try to do is keep myself from crying. I just need to make it to Mikey’s and then I can let myself fall apart. I breathe heavily, and start feeling worse about myself for what I just did to Frank, but I send the thought away until I can collapse.

It’s the longest car ride of my life. I’m there in under ten minutes, but each second of every minute is a century long. My heart feels like it’s been shoved into a trash compacter and my whole chest feels like it’s been bound tightly so that I can barely breathe.

Eventually though I do pull up to the house, and I stumble out of the car, feeling a headache coming on.

I walk forward, as if dying, to the front door, and pull it open. I had intended to make it up stairs before collapsing, I really did. As soon as the door is closed behind me though I collapse against it and slide down the door into a sitting position, with my knees pulled in, only a few inches from my face.

I don’t even attempt to hold back my tears, because as soon as I fall to the floor my chest aches even more like no pain I’ve ever felt before. Everything hurts. I just let my head fall onto my knees and then I’m balling. I’m sure I’ve cried this hard before, but I can’t remember when. I’ve just ruined everything. Everything that was starting to be good in my life and I had to go and mess it up. I’m not sure what time it is but it’s got to be sometime past midnight so I feel even worse. I’m a mess.

“Gerard?” Mikey’s voice asks with fear, and I hear pounding footsteps as he hurries down the stairs.

I don’t look up at him but I’m aware that he’s standing over me and then crouches down quickly by my side and wraps an arm around my shoulder.

“Oh god, Gerard,” he says, and I feel his forehead fall onto my shoulder with complete sympathy. He doesn’t ask what’s wrong and I appreciate that greatly, he just lets me cry for a long time, and I look up long enough to see Pete looking at me and my brother. He’s either completely scared or concerned.

It becomes so hard to stop once I stared though and I hear my own wheezing as every breath becomes a battle against my body.

I honestly don’t know how long it’s been. I don’t even have a good guess. I literally haven’t the slightest idea.

Pete walks over to me and crouches down in front of me, holding out a glass of water, but I wave it away and he sets it down on the living room table next to him. They’re both wearing their pajamas so I must have woken them up, and that’s just another thing to stack on this list of horrible things I’ve done today.

“Gee, you need to drink something or you’ll dehydrate yourself,” Mikey says. His head is still on my shoulder and I know how awful I must be right now, but I just. can’t. stop.

I shake my head turning down the thought, but Mikey sighs and grabs the water anyway.

“Please just take a sip,” he pleads and I inhale trying to stop the tears. It doesn’t work, but I grab the water anyway. It’s hard to take a sip when I’m crying but I finally bring it to my mouth, and then find myself draining the glass. I didn’t know I was even that thirsty, but Mikey sighs with relief after I finish the water off.

“Pete, can you make yourself scarce for a minute? I need to bring my brother upstairs,” Mikey says. I like Pete, I really do, but Mikey seems to know that I don’t really want him here right now. Pete’s not offended so he walks over to the kitchen and busies himself with something while Mikey pulls me up and drags me up the stairs slowly.

He finally gets me into my room and sits down on the bed with me, but I can’t stop crying.

“Do you need anything or do you just want me to leave so you can get some sleep?” he asks.

I don’t respond immediately, and I’m not sure I have a voice anymore anyway.

“Sleep?” he asks, and I nod.

His arm that is still around my back, rubs my shoulder soothingly and he sighs, “Will you promise that you’re going to go to sleep then? Don’t torture yourself, just get some rest and calm down.”

I nod resolutely and he looks nervous to leave me on my own, but he stands up anyway. He still gives me a painful look that I’m far too used to.

“I love you Gee, just be safe,” Mikey says, and he walks over to the door, “see you in the morning.”

I hear the click of the door closing and fall back on the bed. I’m still sobbing slightly, but it’s starting to hurt my stomach and my eyes feel painfully heavy. I sniffle a few times, and try to calm down, but my head is throbbing agonizingly.

That’s all I know before I’m unconscious.