Sweet Home... Minnesota?

“I don’t mean to point out the obvious or anything, well actually, I do, that’s why I’m talking in the first place, but anyway, I can’t seem to overlook the fact that you haven’t talked to Frank in over a month,” Pete says, looking at me critically.

“Well yeah,” I shrug, “but what does that matter?”

“Well it matters because Mikey’s not letting him come over to the house at all, and he is my friend too, Gerard. I’m not saying he’s more important, or that I think you’re moving too slowly or anything, I’m just curious. When is going to be the right time to let him back into your life?”

“I don’t know,” I reply.

“That helps, thanks,” Pete says sarcastically.

“I don’t okay? I just don’t know. Maybe soon, maybe never. All I know is that right now, I have to focus on myself, not anyone else. I’m trying to not fall apart right now, Pete. Frank isn’t exactly going to help me with that.”

“You liked him.”

“I don’t know if I did. I don’t know if I do. I don’t know if my brain wasn’t just so fucked up that it decided to attach itself to the first person who was nice to me. Because, maybe that’s the only reason I ever liked him. Maybe that’s it. Maybe I just saw the opportunity and I was like ‘fuck it’ and decided I liked him. But I don’t know. I don’t like boys, Pete. I never have. That’s not some part of me that I’m hiding, or that I’m afraid of. I’m not questioning, I’m not confused, I’m not anything. It’s just Frank.”

“But what does he mean to you when you refuse to see him at all?” Pete asks, “I’ve been talking to him and he thinks you hate him!”

“I don’t hate him! Why would he think I hate him?”

“Probably because you ran away from him and haven’t talked to him since,” Pete said, “right after you tried to kiss him.”

“Don’t bring it up,” I answer, putting my head on the counter.

“Sorry.”

“I’m not mad,” I say, “I just don’t want to talk about what happened with him to you, Pete. No offense, but there’s really only one person who I’d talk about that with.”

“Mikey?”

“Absolutely not. Mikey’s my brother,” I say, “No, I would only talk about that with Frank.”

~*~*~*~

I find myself in the ruined park again. Just kind of sitting, and looking. Not doing anything. I guess I just needed to be away from Pete and Mikey for a little while. Not that I don’t like them, or don’t appreciate them, but sometimes, you get tired of the same people. Sometimes you just need a change.

The sky is overcast, and the air is starting to get colder, but it’s not too bad. It’s not that noticeable, but it makes the shadows of everything seem a little more menacing without the sun. The sky is just a bright dazzling grey with no sign of the sun. It’s my favorite kind of sky though.

The air smells like leaves and dirt. It’s not a bad smell, just overly earthy because it’s not polluted by anything manmade. No smell of gasoline, or even something small like the smell of someone cooking food. Just simple.

“A little birdy told me to kick you in the balls if I ever saw you trying to get yourself drunk,” a voice says and I turn to see Frank looking over at me, leaning against a tree.

“I’m not drinking,” I reply, and hold up the bottle to show him, “it’s fucking soda.”

“What are you doing?”

“I’m just sort of... sitting,” I answer. I’m not sure I anticipated Frank to be here, but I guess that kind of makes sense. Of course he’d be the other person who knows about this place. No one in forever has found it so the new guy in town is more logical than someone who’s lived here longer than I have.

“Mind if I sit too?”

“I guess,” I sigh.

“Do you not want me to? I won’t sit down if you don’t want me to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable, Gerard,” Frank says.

“I don’t care, really,” I say.

Frank shrugs and I see him walk over to me, before he sits next to me, against the basketball hoop. I look at him and he looks back at me, but then he looks down at the ground.

“So I don’t really know how to initiate conversation,” Frank says.

“You don’t have to talk, you know.”

“Okay?”

“Well I mean, this place doesn’t belong to us. To people. This is just nature really. You can let them talk,” I say.

“Well people must’ve been here. Otherwise there wouldn’t be an unfinished park here. Unless the animal kingdom is much more sophisticated than I gave them credit for,” Frank says.

“No, nature took it away from people. It’s the mosquitoes, they didn’t appreciate us trying to steal this little part of land so they made sure it was never finished. They fought valiantly, who am I to take it back from them?”

“You’re talking like it was some big war or something. With knights and swords.”

I sigh, “I don’t see what the difference would be. We still lost.”

“Do you hate me?” Frank asks, which is exceedingly off-topic.

“No.”

“That’s all you’re gonna say? ‘No’?”

“I don’t hate you,” I say.

“Okay,” Frank says, looking hesitant and confused, “so why have you been avoiding me? Well, avoiding would make it out to seem like you gave yourself the opportunity to see me, but chose not to, you just haven’t even tried to talk to me in a month. You’ve been ignoring me.”

“It’s not about you right now,” I say, looking across the cement at a tree on the other side.

“What?”

“It’s not about you right now, Frank. I’m not arrogant when I say that, right now, it’s about me. My life isn’t about you, it’s not about making you happy, it’s not about making sure you know I’m not mad at you, it’s about me. It’s my life. I’ve spent all of it so far trying to cater to other people, trying to be someone that other people can hang out with. More than twenty years of just putting everyone else first. I’m trying out a new thing where I actually live for myself. Live for me. Not for Mikey, or you, or anyone really. I just want to be me. For once.”

Frank nods slowly and looks at me, “so you don’t want to talk to me?”

“I didn’t say that,” I respond, “I don’t know what I want, if anything, from you Frank. I think I just need to know you’re okay for now. That you’re not mad at me or anything, but that’s all I really know.”

“So do you want to just... forget what happened?”

“No.”

“No?”

“No,” I confirm, “Because it did happen, Frank. I kissed you, and I shouldn’t have, but I did. I should deny it, blame it on the depression, but I did. That’s just true. No façades, no lying. So, like, I don’t want to pretend or forget, because than I’d just be lying.”

“So then what?” Frank asks.

“I told you. I don’t know.”

Frank sighs, “Well see, Gerard, and I don’t mean to say that you distancing yourself is a bad thing, or even weird, but I just, I guess, I miss you. I do, and I’m sorry if that upsets you or anything, but I do.”

“It doesn’t upset me.”

“Well good. But my point is that, for four weeks I’ve been hearing about you through Pete. Nothing all that detailed, just things like ‘Gerard’s still not ready to see you,’ and I get that. I mean, I don’t understand what’s going on in your head, but I get that you don’t want to see me, but that doesn’t change the fact that I miss you. Before all this shit happened, Gerard, I thought you were getting a little better. I’m no idiot, I knew part of you was broken, or breaking, but it felt like, for a little while, you had a little more color in your cheeks. A wider smile. I thought we were friends. I thought we were becoming really good friends, and then everything just sort of stopped.”

“I’m sorry,” I say.

“No, I’m not asking you to be sorry. I don’t want you to be sorry, you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s just me saying that, hey, Gerard, I miss you.”

“Well, I didn’t mean to isolate you. Actually, I guess that’s not true. Part of me has just been really scared that you would make me hate myself more. Make me just feel guilty for kissing you, and I’ve been so petrified of getting near you because of that.”

“Well do you? Do I have a bad effect on you? Right now?”

“Not that I know,” I reply, “I’ve kind of missed you too.”

“Well good,” Frank says, “because that puts us on an even playing field.”

“Yeah,” I say, and look at him for the first time since he sat down. “Frank, I still don’t know who I am. What I am. I don’t know. I need you to respect that.”

“I do,” Frank says.

“Good.”

“And I need you to respect that whatever you are, I don’t hate you. If you figure it out for yourself, I may even like you.”

“What?”

Frank shrugs, “just, I mean. I might. You know, maybe.”

“What’s changed?”

“Well when you kissed me you gave me like a minute to think about it. I’ve had a month now, that’s enough time for me to figure things out.”

“It’s not enough time for me,” I admit, “I’m not even kind of sure what I’m doing yet.”

“That’s okay,” Frank says, “I’m not in any hurry.”

“I wouldn’t wait for me if I were you.”

“Who said I’m waiting?” Frank says, “Maybe I just wanna sit in an abandoned park with you.”

“Do you?”

Frank looks at me and smiles, “Well Gerard, I’m in the same state of mind as you are right now. I don’t know.”