Secrets and Broken Promises

I still remember the day we met. It was 8th grade, in the middle of October. The school year had already started but you arrived at that time. You had just moved from England and you looked so lost in here. When you walked into the classroom, you were asked to introduce yourself. I remember that you were hesitant to speak but I understood why quickly enough. You were British, so you had an accent, one that was different from ours. Some people laughed and I thought it wasn’t fair but most of them were bullies so I knew they’d end up doing something stupid anyway. Two of those people had been my friends before. There was Jack, the class-clown and Zack, the captain of the football team. But in the end, you were the new kid so you were destined to be a victim for at least a couple of months.
*****

Alex walked in the classroom after the teacher opened the door. He was late but he had gotten lost while trying to find the classroom. The teacher opened the door and asked if he was Alexander. The young boy had nodded shyly and the teacher had introduced herself as Mrs. Smith, telling him to introduce himself to the rest of his classmates. Alex hesitated to speak as he stood in front of the class but he knew he had to, so he did.

“My name is Alexander William Gaskarth, I’m 13 years old and I just moved from Essex in England.” Alex said, his british accent surprising everyone at first.

A few kids smiled at him and others started whispering. He could make out a few of the things that were said.

“Cool, an English kid!” A short boy told his friends who was sitting next to him.

“His accent is so cute!” A blonde girl almost squealed, earning giggles from two shorter brunettes who sat next to each other, nodding as the blonde turned around.

But Alex didn’t care, all he could think about was those two kids. One was really muscular for a thirteen year-old boy, sitting at the back of the classroom and covering his mouth to keep from laughing out loud as he turned to another taller guy, just as muscular, who was wearing a purple football jersey with what he’d learn later was the Ravens logo on it. Another guy sat in the middle of the class snickered slyly. He was tall and skinny, his dark brown hair sticking up in every direction and his brown eyes glinting mischievously. Alex blushed and lowered his head to look at the floor, embarrassed.

“You can go sit down now.” The teacher said before going back to teaching the class.

Alex’s eyes scanned the room to find an empty seat and he decided to go sit next to a short, shy-looking kid on the right side of the room. When he sat down, the short-haired kid lifted his head up, smiling a blindingly white smile to the English boy.

“Hi Alexander.” He said softly. “I’m Rian.”

“Hi. You can call me Alex.” The slightly taller boy said, smiling back at Rian.
*****

After that, we spent all of our time together. I was your first friend in America and you were the only one I had. The jocks seemed to take a liking to abusing you and Jack took every chance he could to tease you, usually earning laughs from most of the people in the class. You said you didn’t really care but I knew you did, I had been bullied for a while so I knew how it was. Eventually, people stopped harassing me but I knew how much it hurt. You stopped saying that it didn’t matter after a little while though. I’ll remember that day forever. I never thought this would happen. The bullying in school was one thing but the jocks beating you up out of school was something else. It was a Saturday afternoon and we had decided to hang out for a while. You were coming over to my house for a while and as it wasn’t too far and that the weather was great, you decided to walk here, thinking you were safe. I also thought you’d be, until you knocked on my door, blood dripping down your nose, a nasty bruise already forming on your jaw and tears pooling in your eyes.
*****

“Oh my God! Alex! What happened to you?” The younger boy asked as he opened the door.

“Zack happened.” The British boy mumbled as Rian ushered him inside, guiding him to the bathroom.

When Alex’s nose stopped bleeding, both boys went upstairs to Rian’s room, sitting on the bed in silence.

“So what happened exactly?” The younger boy asked, breaking the silence.

“I was walking here and I’m not too sure what happened but next thing I know, I’m on the floor, Zack Merrick over me, punching me. Then he got up, spat on me and left as if nothing happened.” Alex explained, tears in his eyes.

“Why? Did you do something?” Rian asked, confused.

“No! I was just walking and he saw me and crossed the street and just started punching me! I didn’t do anything wrong!” Alex said the tears threatening to spill out. “I’ve only been here for three months and a half and I don’t think I’ve done anything wrong and I just keep getting bullied and now that stupid jock decided to beat me up. I hate this Rian!” The British boy said, tears now running freely down his face.

Rian moved a little closer to the older boy, wrapping his arms around him. “I know Alex. I know what it’s like, believe me. I wish I could make it stop but all they’ll do is beat me up and go back to harassing you.”

“I just don’t know how much longer I can stand them. I know I keep saying that I don’t mind but in reality, I do and it hurts. I’m sick of it.”
*****

By that time, I knew that I had to protect you. I had lost too many friends in my life to lose you too. If I had to protect you with my life, then I’d do it. You didn’t deserve all those things that those people did to you. I didn’t deserve it either but it didn’t matter, I had been hurt a lot in my life so I could take it. I could take it all, the bullying, the abuse, the beating, especially if it was to protect you. So that’s what I did.
*****

“I didn’t think everyone was so stupid in England. Or maybe it’s just you.” Jack said after Alex gave the wrong answer to a question the teacher asked him.

A blush covered his cheeks and he looked down, embarrassed as most people laughed.

“Will you shut the fuck up one day, Jack? Just leave him alone!” Rian yelled back, anger clear in his tone.

“Oh, look at that. It’s so cute. Rian’s defending his boyfriend. I didn’t know you were gay Alex.” Jack spat.

“Shut up Jack. He’s not my boyfriend and I’m not gay! He’s just my friend.” Rian said, getting up from his chair angrily.

“Rian! Jack! You both leave this classroom right now!” The teavher yelled, pointing to the door.
“Sorry.” Rian whispered towards Alex. “I tried.”

“No, thank you Ri’.” Alex said, lifting his head up and looking at the smaller boy with tearful eyes.

Rian then left the class and as soon as he was out, Jack pushed him against the wall.

“You better shut the fuck up if you don’t want your boyfriend to know about your little secret. I won’t hesitate to tell him and everyone else.” Jack sneered in Rian’s face.

“He’s not my boyfriend Jack. You can torture me as much as you want but please, just leave Alex alone.” Rian almost pleaded.

“And you say he’s not your boyfriend? How do you expect me to believe that?”

“He’s my only friend Jack! I protected you as much when we were friends!” Rian screamed, looking up at Jack even though tears were filling his eyes. He didn’t even care at that point. “I don’t care what you do to me, take it all out on me if you want but leave Alex alone.”

“Basically, what you’re saying is that I can do whatever I want to you, as long as I stop doing this to Alex.” Jack said, starting to think about Rian’s offer.

“Exactly. I promise I’ll just let it happen. I won’t do or say anything.” The older said with a nod, seriously hoping that Jack would accept.

“Alright, that’s a deal.” The taller boy said after a little while, grinning mischievously at the smaller boy. Rian knew that he was already planning something but for now, he couldn’t do anything about it. At least, Jack would leave Alex alone. He just needed a way to make sure that he was safe from Zack and the rest of the football team now.
*****

It was easy to convince Jack. He stopped bullying you as soon as we concluded this deal. I was his new victim. Any occasion he got, he’d take it. I said that I thought I could take it but it hurt a lot more than I thought it would. You didn’t seem to understand why Jack left you alone and started picking on me instead. I never told you about the deal. I said that Jack had realized that it was funnier to take it out on me and that he had more occasions to do it. You believed it and didn’t say anything about it. I told you to not defend me and you didn’t. What I didn’t know is that you had no intention to defend me anyway. Then, I had the occasion to turn the football team against me so I did it. They weren’t as easy to convince though so they started beating me up but never left you alone. At first, I thought they did. That was until you showed up at school with a black eye and a purplish bruise on your jaw.
*****

“Hey.” Alex said as he arrived to Rian’s locker. The younger boy jumped and turned around to look at the taller boy. He was about to say something about how the British boy had scared him but forgot it when his gaze fell on the other boy’s face. “What happened to you?” He asked instead, concerned.
“Merrick and Sanders got me yesterday after school.” Alex answered as if it happened every day and in reality, it happened quite a lot.

“I thought they left you alone.” Rian said, now confused.

“Well, they did, for like, a week. Apparently they’re not like Jack, they can take two victims at a time. I just don’t know why they do this to you.” Alex said, completely oblivious to the fact that Rian had talked to them.

“Probably for the same reason that they do it to you, just because they can.” Rian said, glad that the older boy hadn’t figured out his plan.
*****

One day, you asked me why Jack kept saying that I was gay. You said that you wouldn’t care if I was, after all, we’d been friends for seven months so it wouldn’t change the way you saw me. I told you that Jack was homophobic and that he had convinced himself that I was gay. It gave him another reason to hate me and to keep picking on me. At that, you dropped it, it made a lot of sense to you. After all, bullies were stupid and Jack was a bully.

We stayed friends for a long time. We were each other’s only friend after all. When we were 15, during the summer, you finally asked THE question, the one I had been scared of all this time.
*****

“Rian?” Alex asked between two games of Call of Duty at Rian’s house. “Why have I never heard about your father?”

“Oh well, I don’t know.” The younger boy stuttered. “My parents are divorced and uh yeah…”

“But you never see him?”

“No.” Rian said, simply.

Alex could see that the subject made his friend nervous so he just dropped it, telling himself that he’s find out more later.
*****

In reality, I just didn’t want to tell you. I was scared that you’d leave me like Jack and Zack had done when they found out. I never wanted you to find out and for a while, you didn’t. But you knew I was hiding something, I had never been a good liar anyway. So you ended up finding out, not in the way I had thought you would, but you forced it out of me anyway. I didn’t want to tell you but I didn’t have a choice this time.
*****

“Rian?” Alex asked, as both 16 years old boys laid down on the younger’s bed, homework forgotten next to them. “I know it seems like a hard subject for you but you never talk about you, or your family, or father, or just your past. I just think it’s weird. What happened? Why are you so closed up on yourself?”

The younger boy was hesitant to answer. What kind of lie could he come up with this time? Nothing. He looked to the older boy who was lying next to him, fear evident in his eyes. Alex looked back at him, waiting for an answer. “I haven’t been completely honest with you.” Rian said, his voice slightly unsteady. “I- I didn’t lie to you but I’ve just kept some things I guess. I didn’t want you to find out.”
“Why?” Alex asked, confused. After all this time, the English boy thought that they could tell each other everything.

“Because then, you would know how fucked up I really am and you’d leave me alone like everyone else did.” Rian confessed, sitting up on his bed. “Zack and Jack used to be my best friends. 5 years ago, the three of us were inseparable but then, when I told them, they slowly turned against me. They started bullying me because they realized how easy of a victim I was. When Chase told his friends, he lost a few too but his two best friends stayed with him. I just didn’t have the luck he had.”

“But what happened? If I promise that I won’t leave you, will you tell me?” Alex asked.

“Don’t make promises that you can’t keep.” Rian warned him, looking darkly at the other boy who slowly sat up.

“I promise I won’t leave you. I don’t break promises Rian.” The older boy said, looking right into Rian’s eyes.

The smaller boy nodded, closing his eyes for a few seconds. When he opened them again, Alex was still looking at him with the same truthful look. Rian took a deep breath, he couldn’t turn away this time, he couldn’t back down.

“When I said that my parents were divorced, I- it was true but there’s something more. My father, he- he was abusive. He started by only hitting us, me, Chase and my mom but it got worse and at some point, he started raping us. Then, once, when I was 10, he almost killed me. He’s been in jail since that time. Sometimes, I wish he would’ve killed me for real. I’ve never really known real happiness in my life because those things he told me are still in the back of my mind. I can’t forget about all those things.” Rian explained, his voice wavering and unsteady, his hands shaking.

For a while, none of the boys talked. The silence was uncomfortable, awkward, but they didn’t know what to say. Finally, Alex voiced his thoughts, breaking the silence that had settled between them.
“I don’t really know what to say Rian. I didn’t really expect that. I’m sorry.” The older said, softly, engulfing the smaller boy in his arms, hugging him tightly.
*****

You had promised. You said you didn’t break promises but you did. I guess there’s a first time for everything. You started becoming more and more distant and before I knew it, you stopped talking to me and became best friends with Jack. Is it because you saw me differently because I had been abused? Or maybe because I confessed that I’d rather be dead? Is it because you didn’t know how you should handle me anymore? Because you didn’t know how to act around me? Because, all of a sudden, in your eyes, I had become too fragile? I may never know but it doesn’t matter because you left me, in the end. Apparently, I had been right to keep my secret.