Beautiful Mess

Brandon had already left for work by the time I woke up.

I rolled over and checked my phone, but I had no messages. After putting off getting out of bed for as long as my schedule would allow, I crawled out of bed and shuffled into the kitchen hoping some coffee would wake me up.

Once I got to work, I checked up with my boss, Lisa, to see what was on her agenda for the day and got my list of what she needed me to do. My work load was light and looked like it left me enough time to actually sit down and eat lunch today.

After I made any calls Lisa had needed me to make to her associates and ran her errands, I went to find one of my good friends on the set, Meg, hoping she would want to grab lunch.

We settled on this cute little café within walking distance.

After sitting down with our meals, I asked her about her husband and how the life of a newlywed was. She in return asked about Brandon.

“I’m assuming you and Brandon are still going strong?” She asked, simply out of curiosity.

“I might not say strong, but we’re going.” I avoided eye contact and focused on my salad which was suddenly very interesting.

“What’s going on? You guys aren’t breaking up or anything right?”

“I don’t plan on it. It’s just that… well recently; he’s been acting really strange.”

She stared at me, silently urging me to go on.

“Things aren’t the same as they used to be when we first got together. I feel more like his mom or his assistant than his girlfriend. I just don’t get what changed after all this time.”

Finally admitting my problems with my relationship felt good, I won’t lie, but hearing them out loud made it all feel so real. It had to be something that I was doing wrong. Maybe if I tried to plan more time for us to do things together, or didn’t get mad so easily, things could go back to how they were.

I miss the old Brinlee and Brandon that we used to be. He always knew how to make me laugh, and the fights were rare but we always worked through them. We could talk for hours and it would only feel like minutes.

Now everything feels the exact opposite.

The laughter is dead, the fights are becoming bigger and much more often. I’m scared that we won’t be able to get through them for much longer. And when we do speak, the conversation is so forced that minutes feel like hours. I don’t know why everything changed.

I stayed relatively quiet the rest of lunch, only speaking out when asked direct questions. For the rest of the time, I just nodded and let her talk about her perfect life. I was ecstatic for her, but I couldn’t help but feel a little jealous too. We finished up and the rest of the work day passed quickly.

I left work only to begin the hardest part of my day, being at home with Brandon.

As soon as possible the dinner preparations began. His favorite mean was a spicy vegetable soup that I’ve perfected, and that is exactly what we would be having. Maybe little things like this could bring some happiness back into our life. I was running out of ideas.

I loved to cook. It was an escape from my thoughts because you had to focus on the task at hand.
One slip up and the whole meal could turn out ruined. It’s like a challenge and you never know the outcome until the end result is ready. Plus it doesn’t help that I have a knack for it.

By the time Brandon got home the table was set in an elegant tablecloth with the table set. I added two candles to make a romantic aura and had two wine glasses already filled.

I heard the door open and Brandon walked it. His eyes lit up as he smiled at me.

“What’s all this?” He seemed pleasantly surprised.

“I just thought we could use something a little different. Do you like it?”

“Sure, it’s nice.” He wasn’t nearly as excited as I was which put a dent in my little happy bubble.

Sometimes I don’t think there is anything I could do to get us back to the way we used to be. Half the time I feel like he doesn’t even care if we speak, or even interact at all.

I miss MY Brandon; I just don’t know where he is or how to find him.

We ate the dinner together. Both of us sitting at the table with no TV was an improvement though so
I’ll take what I can get for the time being. He didn’t compliment the meal I made him. In fact, he didn't speak much at all. And he certainly didn’t stick around to help me clean up.

Rising from the table, he reached for his jacket.

“Are you going back out?” Being nosey was never my intention, but that’s how he took it.

“Yes I am. I’m a grown man Brinlee! If you must know, I’m going to meet Dylan for a drink.”

I didn’t have anything to say so I rose from the table too and began to clear the plates.

“I’ll probably be out late. Don’t wait up,” and he walked out the door.

I guess I was going to bed alone tonight.