Young Dreamers

I had been expecting Sara's onslaught at some stage, but I wasn't expecting it so soon. I heard Alice call after her and before I knew it a rush of white was hurling towards me and Sara began clawing and screaming at me through her tears.
"How could you!?!?"

"Sara, you're in pain. I know. But trust me it wasn't something either of us wanted to happen-"

"Bullshit! How dare you lie to me now-"

"I'm not lying, Sara." My words fell on deaf ears and she began hitting me, scratching, howling. I let her. Guilt forcing me to.

"I...I trusted you! I let you into my family! Into my...into my wedding! You've been lying, planning this all along-" I slapped her cheek as gently as possible, and she stilled, shocked, stared at me for a few minutes before leaning into my chest and sobbing. He brought his arms up and held her small frame tightly.

"I am so sorry. Look at me, Sara." I held her face and bent down slightly.

"Listen. Don't you dare blame yourself, but don't blame me or Oli either. We both know, we all know that it wouldn't help or be true." I wiped her flowing tears as best I could.

"Oli didn't want this, I certainly didn't. Neither of us wanted to hurt you. But it just happened. You're a beautiful woman, inside and out, don't forget that, Sara." She nodded sadly, still crying.

"Will you.....I...look after h-him." Her mum came and steered her back towards the house as Sara broke down again. Alice came and hugged me tightly.

"Maybe you should take Oli back to yours....maybe he needs to get away." I nodded and kissed her cheek.

"Want me to take your stuff back in the truck?"

"No it's ok, I'll make my own way back, but thank you."

Oli was in tears when I arrived in the cave. Pulled up into a tight little ball, he didn't move even when I sat next to him.
"Is there anything I can do?" He shook his head slowly, rocking back and forth slightly.

"I did this. I hurt her John, I'll never forgive myself-"

"There's nothing to forgive! You didn't ask for this, none of us did. Now, all you can do is learn to be ok with it, because beating yourself up will not change a thing, do you hear me?" He was shocked at my angry tone of voice and nodded before letting a few years escape.

"Want me to take you home? Come to mine? Go somewhere else?"

"Can we...can we go somewhere else?"

"Anywhere in mind?"

"No. Just drive." I nodded and led him out without a question. I knew exactly what he was feeling. When I'd come out, I spent time away from home, just running until I ran out of steam and was able to come to terms with it.

We headed away from California and towards Arizona. Oli sat in the passenger seat, staring blankly out of the window, in silence, the entire time. I stopped several times to pee and buy food and drinks, Oli would say things like "coffee, please," and "thank you," and "no thanks," but that was all that was said. However I didn't mind, I knew all too well the turmoil that was unfurling in Oli's head, and if I could ease that in any way I was happy. Besides, the silence wasn't awkward, it was companionable, if a little sad, and the stereo with the CD player and docking station provided me with all I needed to be entertained.

As the sky became pitch black, around nine - thirty, I decided to track down a motel that we could stay in, Oli's eyelids were beginning to droop and I felt the push of exhaustion from the long day now passed.

The woman at the reception smiled tiredly at John as he and Oli approached.
"Hello Sir, what can I get you this evening? A twin? Two doubles? A double?"

"Umm..." He glanced at Oli who was staring at the floor in a daze, hands in his pockets.

"Two doubles please - can we be as near each other as possible, please?"

"Of course. Twenty-two and twenty-five?"

"That's great, thanks." I handed Oli his key and we headed away with our things for the night. Concern grated on me until we spoke again.

"Goodnight."

"Night...John. Oh, I'll, I'll pay you back for petrol and for the motel, and-"

"Don't worry about that stuff now. If you want anything or need to talk in the night, just knock, ok? Seriously."

"Thank you. Really." That was the last thing he said until two days later.

"John, hey." I was surprised when Oli met me at the truck that morning, carrying coffee and breakfast. It was strange, the things you picked up so quickly about someone when you spent all your time together. Oli knew I liked two sugars in my coffee, and little milk, whereas I knew he liked no sugar but more milk. He'd bought bacon sandwiches from a nearby cafe, and he knew I liked ketchup whereas he liked brown sauce. When we stopped for gas, I already knew to never buy prawn cocktail crisps because he hated the smell, just how he knew to always buy spearmint not peppermint gum. Those little things made me smile, and this morning was no different.

"Oh hi. You ok?"

"Yeah. Listen, I wanted to apologise. I've been crap company the past few days, but I just needed to process everything and figure it all out in my head, I needed to think. You gave me the space to do that, but I knew you were there and I really appreciate that, you've no idea how much help you've been. Thank you." I glowed inside at his words and offered my arms up for a casual hug.

"You're welcome. Glad I could help. So are you feeling better now?"

"I am. I feel.....lighter. Like...I don't know, free. It's weird, I haven't felt like this since I was a little kid." I smiled and he did too, shyly.

"I'm glad."

"So...yeah. Want me to drive today?"

"Thank you!" Oli laughed at me as I jumped at the opportunity for a break and climbed in the passenger seat and ate my sandwich.

"So, where actually are we?"

"We're just coming up for Houston, Texas."

"Blimey. Didn't even notice we were in Texas."

"Seriously though....are you alright, Oli?" He looked at me as he screwed up the paper from his sandwich and nodded.

"Yeah...I actually think I am now. I'm still scared, not gonna lie, but I'm ok."

"Good. I just had to check. Cause...I mean this is all very well, but you can't do it forever." Oli nodded.

"I know. I'm not running away from it. Besides, with you here that's not possible." I frowned in confusion and Oli shifted uncomfortably.

"Well y'know, you're kind of the reason that I figured this out in the first place so....if I was running, believe me I wouldn't want to be doing it with you because you're like....a constant...reminder I suppose, of, of how I'm feeling right now." He spoke the words quietly and awkwardly, making little eye contact, but they were the best words I had heard in a long time. He met my eyes shyly and I gnawed at my lip, conscious of the fact that I didn't want to push him, so kissing him wasn't an option.

"Well thanks. Anyways, cmon driver, get going." Oli laughed and turned the key in the ignition.

That day was better, we spoke almost constantly, about music, cars, food, our families. By the time we reached that night's motel, we were both exhausted.
"Two doubles please."

"I'm sorry sir, we're very busy tonight, there aren't two doubles available."

"Is there a twin?"

"I'm afraid not. The only room we have left is a double." I sighed and looked at Oli who looked nervous.

"We can drive to another motel." I suggested.

"You said on the map this is the only one for a couple of hours." I nodded and Oli shrugged.

"It's your choice. I don't mind either way."

"Well...I mean..." I sighed again and rubbed a hand over my eyes.

"Fine, we'll take it. Thank you."

"Thank you gentlemen, sleep well."

"Thank you." My heart was in my mouth by the time we arrived in the small room. Oli kept blinking, his nerves were passing onto me and I felt jittery.

"You can hit the shower first if you like." Oli nodded and left quickly. I perched on the end of the bed and rooted around to find the socket. I soon found it and was under the bed to try and plug it in when Oli emerged from the shower and announced that he was finished. He made me jump and I hit my head on the bed hard, cursing loudly. Oli rushed round and I cursed again - a mixture of humiliation and pain.

"You ok?"

"Yeah. Yeah fine."

"No you're not - fuck you're bleeding."

"No, no it's fine." I held onto my bloody head, getting flustered by my already raised temperature, embarrassment and the fact that Oli was extremely close to me in nothing but a towel.

"John, what are you doing? Let me see!"

"No! I'm fine!" A tiny part of my brain was screaming at me to stop embarrassing myself but I panicked and just tried to play it off.

"John if you don't let me look..."

"You'll what?"

"I just won't be happy ok?! Sit down." I sighed and did as I was told, holding back my flinch and curse as Oli gently searched through my hair to see the cut. I couldn't, however, hold back my racing heart.

"It's not too bad. When did you last have a tetanus shot?"

"Not that long ago. I'm fine, I just need a shower."

"Ok. Try not to get too much shampoo in it." I made a dash for the bathroom at that point and spent several minutes silently berating myself for how stupid I had just been.

Finishing the shower, I too wrapped myself up in a towel and left the bathroom only to crash into Oli. He jumped backwards and I could see his embarrassment as he fought his eyes down to the floor.
"Sorry, uh, just, going round there to let you, y'know-"

"Thanks." I acted casually to try and ease his awkwardness, and it gave me a guilty bit of pleasure to feel his eyes on me as I slowly walked round the bed and reached down in my bag for my clothes. I pulled on my boxers underneath the towel and dropped it. Still I could feel his eyes on me, and I tried to not get at all excited by it as I turned slightly as I pulled my t-shirt on, giving him the front view too. I gave my hair a final rub before dumping the towel in he bathroom and sauntering back out towards the bed, leaning on the bathroom door frame. Oli was sat on the very edge of the bed, legs crossed over one another, watching TV. I watched him as he fought to keep his eyes glued to the screen. He knew I was watching him.

"Oli."

"Hmm?" I almost laughed at the way he pretended to be surprised that I spoke.

"I'm sorry, I know this isn't ideal, but we're both tired and I didn't think it would be a big deal."

"What? Oh, bed, right. It's not a big deal. It's cool. Totally fine." I nodded slowly.

"Yeah you seem it." Oli's eyes flickered back to mine and I rubbed a tired hand over my eyes. The excitement was building and thrumming through me but I couldn't do anything about it. Frustrating wouldn't even begin to cover it.

"I'm fine."

"What can I do to make you feel more chilled out? I don't want you feeling awkward with me, Oli."

"I'm not, not during the day! I never feel awkward around you-"

"Apart from tonight. Cmon, tell me what I have to do."

"There's nothing you can do! I...this is me, ok? I just can't deal with this," he gestured between the two of us.
"...right now, ok? I just...and its...making...I...don't worry about it, John." I put my hands up in mock surrender and decided to keep all of the comments piling up in my head for another day when he'd got more used to the idea. I clambered into the bed and got overly comfortable, if for nothing else then to try and make Oli laugh in his head.

I stayed in that position, arms folded under my head, for the rest of the night. Not sleeping. Oli wasn't asleep either, and I knew it.
"You still awake?" Oli sighed and I felt him turn over.

"Yeah. It's so annoying, we're both so tired."

"I know." My heart was in overdrive and I hoped he couldn't feel it through the uncomfortable mattress.

"I saw you watch me get dressed earlier." I decided to take a risk and drop one of the comments, Oli was silent for a long time, until I started laughing, then the laughed with me, punching me lightly in the darkness. It felt good to laugh and as Oli sighed back into silence, I knew he felt the same.

"You put on a show. You played up to it."

"Yeah, fair enough. Hey, I've got a packet of eggs in my bag, do you reckon if I break some I could fry them on your cheeks?" Oli laughed and scrambled to find my arm, punching me again. I grabbed hold of his wrists in amongst the laughter and he soon fell quiet.

"Yeah...you probably could." He croaked in the black, it was amazing what darkness could do for someone's confidence.

"Anyways, try get some sleep." I muttered begrudgingly, letting him go.