Take It or Leave It

“I’m ready.”

The words rang through my quiet apartment and seemed to echo off the walls and in my head.

I’mreadyI’mreadyI’mready.

There wasn’t even a split second after the words tumbled past his lips that I didn’t know what he meant. Even though we’d never talked about it since that morning. My heart rate quickened and my skin felt too tight and I felt almost dizzy with what he was implying.

“W-what?” I tried to force out a laugh. It sounded forced and my throat felt constricted.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want what Harry was implying (really I had no fucking clue what I wanted), but it was too much to process. Completely out of the blue. Spontaneous and reckless and a bit selfish. Nothing Harry ever did. Part of me wanted to think he was joking, but a bigger part of me was already panicking at the way his eyes were lit up in a way I hadn’t seen in ages.

It felt like slow motion as he went from confident and excited to sheepish and unsure. Like he hadn’t thought about what he was saying until that very moment.

“I-I’m ready for you, A,” his voice was much softer, a hundred times less exuberant. Like a shy child asking for a candy bar.

I knew my jaw had dropped at some point but I managed to make it move, still taking in his messy hair and heavy looking duffle bag, “C-come inside, Harry.”

His tongue swept over his bottom lip nervously, eyes scanning the dim room behind me like he wasn’t sure he should all of a sudden. But eventually he nodded and took a timid step in.

With shaky hands I shut the door and locked it, leaning my back against it because my legs felt like jello all of a sudden, “W-what’re you-... Y-you’re sober, right?”

I hadn’t exactly thought to look to see if his eyes were more bloodshot than usual or if I could smell his favorite drink on him mixed with his cologne.

“W-wha… Yes,” he cautiously set the takeout and wine on the counter before running a hand through his disheveled hair and tugging at it, “Yes, ‘m sober. Completely sober. Not completely sane.”

I just stared at him. He did seem sober the more I took him in. A bit spacy and not all there, but definitely sober.

“W-what’s going on?” I wasn’t sure I wanted to know the answer. Whatever had pushed him here, gotten those words out of his mouth had to be huge. Fucking monumental. Because Harry was not a spontaneous or reckless or the slightest bit selfish of a person.

“I-I almost got fired today,” it almost seemed like everything was bubbling up in him and boiling over, I was going to get scalding water on my hands whether I liked it or not.

“W-what?” I choked out, grateful for the heavy door holding up my weight.

He shut his eyes and let out a big breath that looked like it had filled his whole chest as he nodded, “I-I almost got fired but I didn’t a-and it was really shit but n-now ‘s okay a-and. And. I’m ready, Alivia.”

“I think you need a drink,” I mumbled and pushed myself off the door to grab the bottle of wine he’d brought with him, “Sit and breathe for a second, christ.”

He opened his eyes and sighed before pulling out a stool and taking a seat at the counter.

I ran a hand through my messy hair and yanked a drawer open, looking for a corkscrew. My mind was going a thousand miles an hour. Too fast to form coherent thoughts or sentences.

By the time I got the bottle open, despite my shaky hands, I was aware of Harry’s stare burning into my head.

“Drink,” it wasn’t a question as I pushed the bottle across the counter towards him.

Harry didn’t even hesitate. Picked it up with a shaky hand and tipped it back, shut his eyes, and took five big gulps. I counted. The quiet was deafening. I wanted to go unmute the TV or wake up the entire apartment building. It felt like we were the only two people in the world again and for the very first time it felt like a curse instead of a blessing.

“Your turn,” he mumbled and wiped his mouth with his free hand before pushing the bottle at me.

I shook my head quickly, “I’ve got a class in the morning.”

His eyes got a bit bigger and his lips parted and I could almost see the apology threatening to spill over but all I got was the bottle pushed towards me a bit more and a quiet, “You’re gonna need it.”

He was standing his ground for once. I didn’t need much more convincing.

So it went on like that for a bit, sliding the bottle back and forth, counter between us, and not saying much of anything. Until half of the bottle was gone and I’d pulled my own stool over.

“We almost split up today,” he let out a dry laugh when we hit the halfway mark, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.

I swallowed harshly, staring at the bottle between us and knowing I shouldn’t take another sip, “The band?”

The anxiety I thought I’d managed to suppress as I waited for him to speak was back. Burning and angry. I knew I needed to keep calm for him. Not sound shocked or horrified or worried or any of the things I was. Let it all come out how he wanted it to.

He nodded, twisting a ring around his finger like he always did when he was nervous about whatever he had to say, “Zayn walked out. Properly tried to leave. Louis yelled a lot.”

“And what about Harry?” I asked softly and pulled the bottle closer to me. School, for once, wasn’t the most important thing to me.

“And what about Harry,” he repeated it as a flat statement and let out a half laugh that sent a chill down my spine before shrugging and looking at me with eyes filled with pain, “I got what I wanted. And whatever comes with that.”

I took three big gulps before pushing the bottle back at him, “Which is?”

He stopped twisting his ring and looked up at me, the slightest bit of relief shining through, “A hiatus.”

I felt like someone had taken a cinder block off my chest. I couldn't fathom how he felt.

"Y-yeah?" I managed to breathe out. Trying to process it and comprehend what that would mean. Could mean.

The bit of relief that had been shining through, spread across all of his features. Like just the thought of a break made him completely forget everything else that had happened because of it. It was beautiful and terrifying.

"Yeah," he nodded, lips pulling into a sheepish smile, "And I wanna spend it with you."

My breath caught in my throat, "W-what do you mean?"

Harry reached for the bottle. Three big swallows. Then he was studying me with a smile I couldn't read.

"Do you remember that morning?" he wasn't really asking. He was prompting, urging me to remember. I felt the kind of sickness that only comes from sitting at the very top of a rollercoaster and looking down at where you're going to drop. All the people and situations that once seemed huge look so small and unimportant.

I remembered. Despite my massive hangover, every detail was crystal clear. The rush of every emotion and memory of the night before. The suffocating uncertainty.

I nodded. Because what was I supposed to say to that? We both knew I knew what morning he meant.

"Do you remember what you said?" there were so many emotions in his expression it was hard to read them all at once.

"H-Harry..." I trailed off, instinctively reaching for the bottle of wine. My head was spinning and it was just as hard to decipher my own emotions as it was his.

"I'm gonna be in New York for more than a week," he breathed out like it was his biggest, most fragile secret, "Six months, A. Six fucking months. A half a year."

Four big gulps.

“A-and I know what you said. That you need to be in a good headspace. A-and fuck, I don’t want you to feel like I don’t know that but I need you to know I’m ready. I’m tired of waiting because of work but I’m ready to wait as long as you need,” it came out in a rush of a breath that had seemed to fill his entire being, “I-I’m staying in New York for six months, A. Y-you don’t have to know what you want right now. I just. You need to know that I’m ready. I-I’m ready to be in one place and take you out on proper dates a-and just properly be with you.”

My head was fucking reeling. With possibilities and fears and everything inbetween. I felt like I was flying and drowning at the same time. Like I couldn’t keep my feet on the ground or my head above water.

I stayed silent and took three more big gulps. I had to talk myself down. Be realistic.

“H-Harry,” I started off slowly, trying to form coherent thoughts and not think about every possible scenario in which things could go horribly wrong, “Y-you can’t just spend your break here. B-because of me. Th-tha’s not fair to you.”

I knew Harry didn’t want to go home to London because I knew he didn’t want to spend time with his family. But he had friends. And a life. All of which did not revolve around some girl in New York who didn’t brush her hair enough and spent too much time on the internet. And as anxious as I was, all sweaty palms and racing heart, someone had to be the realistic one.

His expression changed in a split second. His brow unfurrowed and his bottom lip was released from his teeth. Like he’d expected me to shoot down the idea immediately.

“I-I know,” he nodded quickly as if to push the idea right out of my head, “I-I didn’t finish. I-I have work lined up here. Writing for the next album and for other people and business things that don’t require travel.”

I stared at him. He had a plan. This wasn’t a spur of the moment thing, him thinking that spending the next six months with me would magically keep him from drowning.

“Y-yeah?” I swallowed nervously. If I’d anticipated anything about this conversation, it hadn’t been for him to have a plan. Not with the way he’d shown up, bursting at the seams with a sort of excitement I’d never seen before.

“Yeah,” he breathed out with another, slower nod, “Y-yeah, I-I’ve got it all figured out. I-I just need to know if you want me here.”

"H," I managed shakily, feeling like everything was in slow motion, "W-we were hungover. I-I didn't-"

"Mean it?" he tried to finish for me and all of a sudden that unreadable expression was back, his eyes filled with hurt and uncertainty and something else I couldn't place.

"N-no!" I choked out, "Th-tha's not what I was gonna say, fuck," I ran a hand through my hair, "I-I just. I didn't. I didn't think someone like you would really wanna be with someone like me."

"Someone like me," he repeated it in a mumble, looking away from me and down at his hands, “Right, course.”

“B-because you’re you,” I shook my head because no matter what happened he needed to understand that, “Fuck. You’re you and you remember every detail of your day and you remember what I order a-and you leave me stupid notes and peppermint patties and call when you say you will. Because you’re you. Not because you’re Harry Styles.”

He looked up at me, eyes filled with disbelief and that emotion I still couldn’t place. He shook his head as his lips turned up into a grin.

And then he shut his eyes and let out a shaky breath, “A. I need you to answer me so I can kiss the hell out of you.”

“H,” my own lips were pulling into a smile as his eyes peeked open, “I want you to spend six months in New York. With me.”
That was all it took for him to be stumbling off his stool and around the counter between us. For his hands to be cupping my jaw and his lips to be crashing to mine.

We left so many things unsaid. We were both on top of the rollercoaster not thinking about everything below us, leaving it all to be figured out in time. We were thinking about us. About the next six months and all the possibilities it could hold. And how to get each other’s clothes off the fastest way possible. We were putting ourselves first for once. We thought we had time to figure it out as we went along. Six months was a long time.

We weren’t thinking about what would be at the bottom when we inevitably came crashing down the hill and thrown into upside down loops.

*

The next morning felt like waking up in a dream. I could physically feel sheer happiness wash over me all over again despite my blaring alarm and slight headache. There was a warm body wrapped around mine and for once I didn’t have to think about when it was leaving again. It was one of the best feelings in the world.

Even when I looked at my phone and realized my alarm had been going off for fifteen minutes, I still felt dazed with happiness.

I managed to slip out of bed without disturbing Harry and pulled on the first clothes I could find. A striped shirt that definitely wasn’t mine and a pair of not so clean pair of boyfriend jeans. (x)

Being fifteen minutes late meant I had no time for anything more than brushing my teeth and scribbling a note in case Harry woke up. I didn’t dare wake him up to tell him I was going, he’d slept the most soundly I’d ever seen him sleep. No tossing and turning or nightmares or anything.

But being fifteen minutes late also meant I had no time to brush my hair from the night before or attempt to cover the bags under my eyes. And I should’ve known Annie would notice. She never seemed to miss anything.

Her now pink hair was pulled up into a bun and she was smirking.

“Hi,” I mumbled when I slid into my seat, exactly four minutes before class was supposed to start.

“Goodmorning sunshine,” she continued to smirk as I pulled out my things.

“Why’re you staring at me like that?” I mumbled feeling my face heat up a bit as I tried to avoid eye contact with her.

“You so got laid last night,” she stated, plain and simple. Loud enough for anyone to hear.

“Annie,” I hissed at her as my face began to burn up.

“You’re not denying it,” her smirk turned into a grin, like she was pleased with herself, “I didn’t hear anything from you after your friend showed up.”

I swallowed thickly like I did every time Annie mentioned Harry without knowing he was Harry Styles. Before I could try to defend myself, Jakob (another one of Annie’s friends that I was still tentative to call my friend too) was plopping down in the seat in front of Annie, looking miserable.

“Rough night?” Annie snorted as he turned around, all bloodshot eyes and messy hair.

“Fuck off,” he muttered under his breath and rubbed his eyes, “Tha’s the last time you set me up with one of your artsy friends.”

She scoffed, “You can’t tell me he wasn’t good in bed. I’ve fucked him and I know that’s a lie.”

“He passed out before we even got back to my apartment so I wouldn’t know,” he shot back at her and I couldn’t help but giggle, “And he then proceeded to get sick in my kitchen after I’d practically carried him upstairs. Worst Halloween ever.”

Annie threw her head back and cackled, “‘S alright, look at Liv! She had a much better night than all of us combined, clearly. Her friend showed up.”

I could feel my face turning bright red, “‘S n-not like that.”

It was. And I could tell by their smirks that they both knew it. And this time I couldn’t deny that H (as they still knew him) and I were just friends. Because I wasn’t sure what we were anymore. What we were going to become.

*
Class seemed to drag on forever. I knew part of it wasn’t just me, half of the room was probably still drunk, but I knew it had more to do with the boy waiting in my bed. The one who’d be in arm’s reach for six months.

And because it was his first real morning in New York, I decided it’d be nice to make it special. Get him a real New York breakfast.

I didn’t tell Annie, who insisted on tagging along before her next class, that though. I’d never hear the end of it.

And it was fine, we walked and laughed and everything felt like maybe, just maybe it was falling into place. Sure it wasn’t how I’d planned or how I’d wanted it to go, but I couldn’t miss this opportunity. Couldn’t let my own problems get in the way of six months of Harry.

It wasn’t until I was second in line that it felt like the world had stopped spinning. I’d been studying the pastries when the line moved and I straightened up enough for the big, bold headline to catch my eye.

‘ONE DIRECTION CALL IT QUITS OVER HARRY STYLES’ ADDICTION PROBLEMS?’

I did a double take at the display of shitty tabloids next to the pastries. I took a step back, feeling like I’d been punched in the gut.

There on full display was a cheap looking tabloid complete with a neon colored headline and a mildly creepy candid of Harry with bags under his eyes from god knows when. I wanted to swipe them all into the fucking trash. I was burning from the inside out with anger.

My head started to reel. There was no way the press could’ve found out they were taking a break yet. Harry’d told me last night the announcement wasn’t until tonight. That was when all hell would break loose. I’d assured him I’d be right there holding his hand. I’d promised. And yet here I was, staring at a headline that was either a horrifying coincidence or something significantly bigger than I could imagine.

“Are you gonna order or not?” an annoyed voice came from behind me. I felt so dizzy.

“S-sorry,” I choked out but didn’t bother to look back at them. I pushed myself forward and managed my order. Two everything bagels with cream cheese and two big cups of vanilla chai tea. To go.

“Are you alright?” Annie nudged my arm while we waited for our food.

I nodded, feeling sort of like a zombie, “J-just feel sort of sick all of a sudden.

I managed to escape her worried words and looks and got my food, assuring her a hundred times over that I was fine and apologizing just as much for leaving so quickly. And then I was bolting for home.

I tried to hope for the best, tell myself maybe he wasn’t even awake yet, but I couldn’t believe myself. A big part of me knew he knew. It was some weird sort of feeling I’d never felt before, knowing someone like the back of your hand.

I managed to balance our food and tea and unlock my door with shaky hands. It was too quiet. I couldn’t hear the hum of music we’d left on the night before or the TV or anything other than Pickles padding towards me.

I felt like I wasn’t moving my own body as I shut the door and set my things down.

“H-Harry?” I called softly, feeling panic start to overtake me.

I found him on my mattress, almost exactly where I’d left him, except now sitting up with his laptop on his lap. And silent tears streaming down his cheeks. He didn’t even acknowledge my presence.

“Harry…” I breathed out and took a step closer, mind running a hundred miles an hour, scrambling to find a way to fix it. To put him back together and keep him safe from everything outside of my apartment.