Silenced Cries
Call Me Miss Movin' On.
How long has it been? Five months since I last wrote something about you... scratch that. Five months since I cared about you. I recently reread all the letters I wrote to you. I sounded so pathetic and desperate, but I was caught up in your spell to realize that at the time. I apparently was "love drunk" and it was so hard to get over the hangover. There was a time where I told myself that I would never get over you; a time where all I wanted to do was make you happy. I made a fool out of myself, but look in the mirror. Who is the real fool? Who is the real coward in this situation?
It is amazing how caught up you can get when you think you have fallen in love for the first time. Love. That is a funny word, especially when I connect it with you; someone that is as cold and heartless as the venomous words that rolled off your tongue like candy, sugar-coating anything to make me believe you were everything I ever wanted. What I also did not notice at the time was how I could have done much better, yet you kept luring me in like a candy store... Pretending to be sweet and innocent... Like no one else was a better option. For the time being, I was blinded by the light, feeling the deep burn holes in my eyes once I found out the truth.
A heartbreaker, that is all you ever were. I was just a side girl and when I would not give you what you wanted, you got fed up and walked out. However, you neglected to tell me until I was already away at college. You thought that being over a hundred miles away would be better on you? Again, when you told me you cared, I believed you- every last word up until the day you left me out in the cold. Remember the day you asked me if I was trouble and I laughed at you? I pretended it was not true, but I knew from down in the pit of my stomach that is exactly who you were. I knew you were trouble when you walked in.
You made me turn against my own family just to stay with you. How could I have been so reckless? Family is supposed to mean everything to you. Of all people, you should know that. It took everything I had to rebuild that foundation again. I almost lost the most important thing in my life. My family, the only people that had always been there for me. I threw it all away like it did not mean a damn thing. I threw it away just to be with you! ALL BECAUSE OF YOU! All you ever wanted from me was something I could never give you, and I was not that kind of woman... That was until you tricked me again.
For the rest of my Fall semester, I was scared, scared to get close to somebody else again. I let people in and just wind up getting hurt again and again and again. I am like a child that does not understand the word "no." Like a dog that keeps begging for attention, but just gets kicked to the curb and ignored. My faith was shaky. My trust was down to the bare wire. My sanity was on the cliff, hanging on for dear life. For the time being, you sent me six feet under, not willing to let anyone help me back up to the surface. I pushed people away that dared to break down the brick walls around me. Why? Because of you, I walked alone for the longest time, sheltering my heart from anything and anyone. I did not know how to let anyone else in. I was afraid.
In reality, the experience changed me. You made me stronger and wiser. I learned to play on the safe side so I did not get hurt. You turned me into a fighter. My skin got a little bit thicker and my motivations have grown larger than ever. The day the doors had finally closed was the day the greatest weight of all had been lifted from my shoulders.
They say having a New Year's Resolution is just ridiculous because nobody ever commits to yearly goals they make, but because of you my determination had risen. I cleaned up my act, determined to make a better commitment to myself than the year before. Being in a relationship is not everything, but I plotted it out to be just that. Just when I least expected it, things were starting to look up, finding somebody that shows woman respect was like a dream. Could somebody like the person be real? Someone that I can actually trust telling my darkest secrets to and not get judged? After you, I only saw it was my dreams playing tricks on me, but that was not the case. It was indeed reality. This person ended up becoming not only my best friend, but the most amazing boyfriend a girl could ever ask for. He treats me like royalty; from the little things like holding my hand in public and showing me off to his friends and family to the bigger things like supporting me and taking care of me when I need him most. I think what I am trying to say is, he is not even half the man you are.
So I thank you, thank you for making me a fighter. Thank you for the lessons learned. Thank you for being a stepping stone for someone better. I have never been this at ease before. I always told myself I wish I could turn back time and break your heart like you broke mine, but that would be silly. Maybe one day you will find the courage to look inside the mirror after getting hurt by someone you trusted with all your heart, and realize how destructive you were, but then again people like you never change. And for once in my life, I could honestly care less. You are nothing but a bitter memory. And here I am today, living life better ever without you when I once told myself I never could. Funny how something like that works, huh?
It is amazing how caught up you can get when you think you have fallen in love for the first time. Love. That is a funny word, especially when I connect it with you; someone that is as cold and heartless as the venomous words that rolled off your tongue like candy, sugar-coating anything to make me believe you were everything I ever wanted. What I also did not notice at the time was how I could have done much better, yet you kept luring me in like a candy store... Pretending to be sweet and innocent... Like no one else was a better option. For the time being, I was blinded by the light, feeling the deep burn holes in my eyes once I found out the truth.
A heartbreaker, that is all you ever were. I was just a side girl and when I would not give you what you wanted, you got fed up and walked out. However, you neglected to tell me until I was already away at college. You thought that being over a hundred miles away would be better on you? Again, when you told me you cared, I believed you- every last word up until the day you left me out in the cold. Remember the day you asked me if I was trouble and I laughed at you? I pretended it was not true, but I knew from down in the pit of my stomach that is exactly who you were. I knew you were trouble when you walked in.
You made me turn against my own family just to stay with you. How could I have been so reckless? Family is supposed to mean everything to you. Of all people, you should know that. It took everything I had to rebuild that foundation again. I almost lost the most important thing in my life. My family, the only people that had always been there for me. I threw it all away like it did not mean a damn thing. I threw it away just to be with you! ALL BECAUSE OF YOU! All you ever wanted from me was something I could never give you, and I was not that kind of woman... That was until you tricked me again.
For the rest of my Fall semester, I was scared, scared to get close to somebody else again. I let people in and just wind up getting hurt again and again and again. I am like a child that does not understand the word "no." Like a dog that keeps begging for attention, but just gets kicked to the curb and ignored. My faith was shaky. My trust was down to the bare wire. My sanity was on the cliff, hanging on for dear life. For the time being, you sent me six feet under, not willing to let anyone help me back up to the surface. I pushed people away that dared to break down the brick walls around me. Why? Because of you, I walked alone for the longest time, sheltering my heart from anything and anyone. I did not know how to let anyone else in. I was afraid.
In reality, the experience changed me. You made me stronger and wiser. I learned to play on the safe side so I did not get hurt. You turned me into a fighter. My skin got a little bit thicker and my motivations have grown larger than ever. The day the doors had finally closed was the day the greatest weight of all had been lifted from my shoulders.
They say having a New Year's Resolution is just ridiculous because nobody ever commits to yearly goals they make, but because of you my determination had risen. I cleaned up my act, determined to make a better commitment to myself than the year before. Being in a relationship is not everything, but I plotted it out to be just that. Just when I least expected it, things were starting to look up, finding somebody that shows woman respect was like a dream. Could somebody like the person be real? Someone that I can actually trust telling my darkest secrets to and not get judged? After you, I only saw it was my dreams playing tricks on me, but that was not the case. It was indeed reality. This person ended up becoming not only my best friend, but the most amazing boyfriend a girl could ever ask for. He treats me like royalty; from the little things like holding my hand in public and showing me off to his friends and family to the bigger things like supporting me and taking care of me when I need him most. I think what I am trying to say is, he is not even half the man you are.
So I thank you, thank you for making me a fighter. Thank you for the lessons learned. Thank you for being a stepping stone for someone better. I have never been this at ease before. I always told myself I wish I could turn back time and break your heart like you broke mine, but that would be silly. Maybe one day you will find the courage to look inside the mirror after getting hurt by someone you trusted with all your heart, and realize how destructive you were, but then again people like you never change. And for once in my life, I could honestly care less. You are nothing but a bitter memory. And here I am today, living life better ever without you when I once told myself I never could. Funny how something like that works, huh?