The Maroon Beret

-Sean-
‘Dear Charlie,
I’m sorry I haven’t written anything in a while. I’m kinda in a bad place right now.

It’s been almost two weeks since I found out you got hurt. I’m still trying to figure out how to handle it all. I feel like I’m losing my mind.

Every day since I got home from St. Louis has been the exact same:

I wake up and hope to whatever God that exists that this has all just been a bad dream. Then reality sets in, and I hate the world. I drag myself out of bed and make breakfast. Usually eggs, toast and juice. Usually as I’m finishing one of the WAGs shows up. Janine and Johanna have been here more often than the others, but they’ve all been taking turns spending the day with me.

We usually go for a long walk around the neighborhood first. At first I felt like a dog, but then I got used to it. It helps me clear my head. We talk about everything except you and hockey. Johanna tells me about the girls a lot. TJ just gave birth to the newest Hartnell. Did I tell you that yet? He’s adorable. His name is Aiden. Yesterday she brought him with her, and we walked with him. She told me all about what it’s like to be a new parent. It sounds scary and exhausting and smelly. I can’t wait to experience it with you.

As much as I try to wear a disguise, most people aren’t fooled by the hat and sunglasses. Usually only kids will actually come up to me though. I think most people realize I’m not really in the mood to talk to them right now. But it’s okay when kids talk to me. They always make me smile.

Paul made an announcement about you. Don’t worry, he didn’t say anything specific. He just said that you got hurt and that’s why I’m not playing right now. You’ll probably kill me for not playing. But I just don’t have the mental capacity to be on the ice right now. My brain is a million miles away, and I have a hard time just getting up in the morning. I’m not capable of playing the game right now.

Anyways... When we’re done with our walk, whoever came with me will go home and I head to the gym to get some lifting in. Chief brought me a lifting program, so I don’t even have to think about what I need to do. I just follow the instructions. Today was a back and chest day, which always makes me think of you. I used to get so mad at you when you would make fun of me for being “scrawny” compared to other hockey players. Then you would beat me in a push up contest and I wouldn’t talk to you for a week. What a difference three years makes, eh? You certainly have no complaints about my body anymore.

After I’m done at the gym, I go back home and shower. Then I make lunch for whoever is coming over. If it’s just a practice day, it’ll be a lot of the guys. If it’s a game day, it’s usually just Brayden and Janine. And the other day when they were in New York it was a lot of the ladies. Johanna thought this would be a good idea for me to do, since it gives me something to think about and it gets me busy.

They have it timed really well so that they’re usually walking through the door right as I’ve got it all ready. Then we have lunch. We usually talk about what’s going on across the league, and whichever game is coming up next.

I take a nap after lunch. Even though I’m not playing right now, I’ve gotten so used to taking a nap after lunch that I just do it. It’s not as comforting without you there, though.

When I wake up from my nap, I usually make a snack. I’ve been having the hummus you starting buying with pita chips and carrots. You were right, it is really good. And it’s healthy, so I’m not breaking my diet.

After that, I sometimes go for another walk. Only on the good days, though. On bad days I just sit on the couch and watch a movie. On really bad days I crawl back into bed and do nothing.

Usually someone shows up around this time. It’s almost always at least Brayden and Janine. They practically live here, especially Janine. That makes me feel bad. If it’s not a game day, a couple guys will come over. We put on whatever game is on and hang out.

When I’m having a really bad day and I just crawl in bed, they still stick around and watch whatever. It’s comforting. They’re still here for me, but they’re not forcing me to do something I really don’t want to do. It’s good.

I also usually leave my phone with someone when I’m not alone. I can’t handle having it near me anymore. I’m constantly waiting for a phone call that I know isn’t going to come any time soon. And in the meantime, people who I don’t feel like talking to keep calling me. Guys from across the league and stuff.

The only people I’ve talked to other than my own team and their ladies are Danny and my parents. I didn’t even call your brother. Janine did that for me. Danny came to visit the other day. He was in town for the game and decided to stop by. I think G told him to come talk to me, since he understands the role Danny has played in my life.

I think my parents are coming to visit next week. My mom was talking about it, at least. They know how hard this has been on me. I’m not sure how I feel about that, though. It’s nice to know they care and want to be here to support me. Sorry, to support us. But you know how overbearing she can be sometimes.

Anyways, that’s pretty much all that’s new in the last two weeks. It’s just the same thing, day in and day out. I’m just waiting to hear from your doctor again. I hope you wake up soon. I need to hear your voice tell me everything is going to be okay.

I miss you. I love you.

Come home to me.’

I finish writing my letter and stick it in the drawr with the others. It’s a really bad day, so I crawl between the sheets of my bed and try my hardest to ignore the ache in my heart. I can hear my teammates in the other room watching a comedy movie. It’s kinda ironic, actually. They’re laughing and joking around while I’m stuck in this eternal vortex of hating life. I’m trying so hard to find positives in this, but every positive comes with a depressing reality check.

Charlie is still alive. Barely.
She’s coming home. Who knows when?
We’re going to get to start our lives together. After she learns how to walk again.
She isn’t dead. Not yet.

Suddenly, my door bursts open and my best friend comes barreling in with a huge smile on his face. He’s got my phone in his hand.
“International call.” He says, before throwing it on my bed and going back outside.

I shoot up, grabbing my phone with lightening speed.

“Hello?”
“Hi baby.”

My heart leaps in my chest. Her voice is golden.

“Charlie.” I breathe.
“Sean.” She responds.
“Am I dreaming?” I ask.
She laughs, and it’s the most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard.
“No, baby. you’re not dreaming.” She says.
“H-How are you?” I’m nervous to ask. She’s silent for a second.
“I’m dealing, I guess. How are you?”
“I’m dealing.”
“You’re lying.”

I sigh and lean back against the headboard. She can always tell when I’m hiding something, even half way across the world. Damn it.
“Charlie. Can we please talk about you? I-I need to hear your voice.” I beg.
“Well, I’m awake.” She giggles. A hint of a smile starts on my face.
“Yeah, you are.” Now there’s definitely a smile.
“I’m coming home soon.” My face stretches, and I’m suddenly the happiest I’ve been in what feels like a lifetime.
“When?” I ask.
“A couple of weeks. Three or four. They want some of my bones to heal first.”
My heart sinks a bit. I was hoping she would say tomorrow. But it makes sense.
“I’m going to Walter Reed in DC first. For intensive rehab.”
“I miss you.” I say quietly. I feel pathetic.
“I miss you too, Sean.” She says. “I’m coming home soon, baby.”
“I can’t wait.”
“Me neither.”

We’re both silent for a moment. Neither of us want to bring up the subject we really want to talk about.

“It looks weird.” She says, randomly.
“What does?” That was a stupid question. “Oh.”
“Yeah.”
“Will you get a prosthetic?” I ask.
“When I get to Walter Reed.”
“Good.... Is there anything I can do? You know, around the apartment.”
“I’m not sure. I think we’ll have to worry about that when I get home, you know?”
“Yeah. I guess so.”

There’s another awkward pause. Why is this so hard?

“Charlie, you know I’ll do anything for you... right?” I ask.
“I know, Sean. And I’ll do anything for you.” She says.
“All I want from you is for you to come home.”
“I’m working on it... Hey Sean?”
“Yeah babe?”
“Why haven’t you been playing?”

I sigh.
“Charlie.... I haven’t been taking this well.” I begin. I feel like a failure already. “I’m not mentally stable enough to be on the ice. I’m too worried about you.”
She’s silent.
“Well now you know I’m awake and I’m coming home. No more need to worry about me.”

She makes it sound so simple.

“You have to start playing again, Sean. Your team needs you, and you need your team.”

She’s right. Of course she is, she’s always right.

“I’ll be back at practice tomorrow. I promise.” I say.
“I have to go now, love.” She says with sadness in her voice. “I probably won’t get to call you again until I’m at Walter Reed.”
“Oh. okay...”
“I’ll see you in three or four weeks.”
“I’ll be there as soon as you call me.”
“I love you, Sean.”
“I love you too, Charlie. More than anything.”

We say our final goodbyes, and hang up. Even though I’m filled with sadness because I had to let her go, I’m also filled with excitement. For the first time in two weeks, I don’t feel like the world is ending. For the first time in two weeks, I have something to look forward to. I have to get the apartment together. I jump up from the bed and throw on a clean shirt and sweatpants before heading out to my living room where a huge group of my friends are watching the Ducks taking on the Kings. They look at me and I can see their shock at the huge smile on my face.

“Three or four weeks.” I say. Janine jumps up and gives me a tight hug, which I gladly return. I feel pats on my back, and I realize I’m surrounded by some of the greatest friends anyone could ask for. “Thank you guys so much.” I say. “I know I’ve been horrible and a pain in the ass lately. But it really means a lot to me that you guys have been here for me. Especially you, Janine.”

“Sean, this is what friends do.” Janine says, squeezing my arm.
“If we weren’t here for you, what kind of friends would we be?” Johanna asks.
I shrug my shoulders.
“We love you, Sean.” TJ says, cradling little Aiden. “And we love Charlie. Whatever you need, we’ll help you out.”
Everyone mumbles their agreement, nodding their heads.
“Thanks guys.”

I sit down on the couch and turn my attention to the game, and for the first time in a long time I feel optimistic about something. Charlie is coming home soon.