As I Follow This Little Lies

Billie Joe Armstrong lied on his bunk bed, not oblivious to the world around him or that couple of days passed since he saw Sydney. He couldn't sleep. He felt so ripped inside, heartbroken as he didn't know what should he do. He felt like someone betrayed him or more like someone punched him with something hard in the face or stabbed with a sharp knife. Everything was getting even more complicated.

When he finally accepted that the child wasn't his, he suddenly found out that he was the father and she lied to him all way through, with no intention of telling him. He couldn't help, but think why she did that or if she really was so selfish. Why did she suddenly realize he should know?

He didn't know what to think about it. Should he go talk with her about this? Figure out a good way out?
He was afraid of looking at her right now. He couldn't speak. He got into this routine of playing a concert and then getting away from the world and thinking. Billie didn't eat much or talk to anyone. He seemed to be in shock.

He was afraid of being a dad. Was he ready for this? He doubted it. But then again, why did he want to adopt the child that was not his, as Sydney said? Maybe he just didn't realize what he was getting himself into.. Was this lie necessary? Couldn't she just tell him? He was lost. Billie didn't see a way out in this situation.

He was sure that he loved her. The little box in his hand, which he didn't leave anywhere or show to anyone, was supposed to symbolize this. She was supposed to have this right now. If she agreed.

He clenched the black box in his palm and groaned, lying down on his stomach, with his face buried in his pillow.
"Why it's so complicated!" his scream was muffled by the pillow.
Yes, he could go on and propose to her. They'd be happy right now and they'd be planning their marriage. But that sounded too easy.
He even started regretting his outburst. Words he said.
Was he really fair?
It seemed like they should give up on each other. That it can't work out. They're arguing too much and they can't just talk like normal people or even live together. She constantly lied to him and hid the most important things from him. What the hell was she thinking?
He sat up and rubbed his eyes.
He thought about their unborn child. What a complicated kid that might be. What a troublesome life this kid might live.

He wasn't ready for life like this all of sudden. It'd be such a responsibility. He wasn't ready to decide. Why was he even considering it a good idea to adopt someone's child?
Right. For Sydney.

***
"Billie! You finally decided to join us?" Mike asked happily, after taking a sip from his coffee. It was late afternoon and they still didn't reach their destination. "I thought we won't see you ever again. What the hell is up with you?"
"Doesn't matter." Billie shrugged his shoulders. "Sorry for ignoring you, guys.."
Mike and Tre looked at each other and then at Billie, who was staring at the ground.
"It doesn't matter!" Tre exclaimed. "Let's go to some party after concert today, huh?"
Billie shook his head, smiling weakly at his friends.
He had something to do before going anywhere with guys. He was sure that after this incident everything could be only better. He hoped so. He was never so sure in his life about this. Not even when the idea crossed his mind for the first time when he was 19. He finally made up his mind. Mike smirked, looking at his friend.
"Are you planning something?" Billie nodded his head slowly, clenching the little, black box in his palm, in his jeans pocket.
"I should have done this long time ago or rather never end this.." smile disappeared from Mike's face, replaced with a frown. Tre snickered quietly, exactly knowing what Billie meant. He was the one, who kept on telling the two that they'd eventually end up together.
"I just know this. I'm so sure that I could even do this now!" Billie exclaimed, throwing his hands into the air and looking at his friends with a huge smile on his face and eyes laughing along with his heart. "This whole tour I just.... couldn't just ignore her and not look at her. Whenever I saw her I felt happier and I had to be near her. I thought it's only because I wanted to make some fun of her and hell, it was funny, but when I realized that she still loves me and I can try again..."
"So why didn't you? You didn't act all the time fair. She didn't either. You two were arguing a lot." Mike said bluntly.
"See? You think it's bad." Billie sat on the couch next to Mike. "But I see this differently. If Brittany didn't appear we'd be together now."
"You're an optimist now, huh?" Billie shrugged and looked at smirking Tre.
"I knew that." he chuckled. "Took you long enough to realize this. So, now you'll have to convince her you don't hate her and that you'll live together happily forever, huh?"
Billie bit his lip.
"Well, that's the part I forgot about. This will be a hard thing to do." he groaned. Mike chuckled and patted Billie on the back.
"It's gonna be fine. But there's another problem."
"What problem?" Billie looked at him wide eyed. "Don't tell me that she changed her mind and said it's not my kid and that she has someone already..."
Mike bit his lip and looked at Tre, whose face also fell and they hesitated with answering Billie's questions. His eyes were begging them for say even one simple word, but they didn't, trying to avoid his gaze.
"What the hell's wrong." Billie narrowed his eyes. Mike sighed and looked at Billie with a sigh.
"Well, remember how you ignored us?" Billie slowly nodded his head. "Do you know how long you was like this?"
"Well,.."
"It were two weeks, dude!" Tre exclaimed. "And they're gone! They left! They're not on the tour with us anymore!"
"Fuck! I forgot!" Billie looked wide eyed at Tre. He buried his head in his hands, thinking of what he should do.
"She was here before they left a-"
"Why the fuck didn't you tell me!?" Billie screamed getting to his feet, looking like he was going to explode any time soon.
"Because you ignored us?" Tre asked, titling his head to the side. "Oh! She left you something!"
"What is it?" Billie asked, calming down a little, sitting beside Tre. "What did she say?"
"She said that she hopes you don't hate her and that you won't forget about your kid. She doesn't want to make up excuses to your kid, why aren't you around..."
"Goddamn it!" he exhaled sharply. Tre handed him a little envelope and Billie took it hastily, opening instantly. A simple silver necklace fell onto the carpet and Billie felt a little sick upon seeing it. Inside was also a letter.

I hope you don't hate me that much and maybe one day you'll visit your child. I don't blame you. I am the one to blame or rather we both screwed up. Seems like we were not meant to be. We can't turn back time, but no one will take from us the memories. You're my best memory, Billie Joe. For that I have to thank you. Maybe it sounds stupid... I'm not good with words like this and you know it well. That's another reason, why I screwed up... and you know this would never work out. I'll remember all this good times we shared and memories. I just wish I could get you out of my head and forget...

I'll always love you.

Sydney

He couldn't stop the tears that formed in his eyes and slowly fell down his face. He stared at the letter in disbelief and regret. Mike and Tre exchanged glances and tried to comfort Billie, but he didn't seem to listen to any word they said.

She was gone. She left him. She left him because he hesitated too long. At that moment he realized how much he lost and what damage this couple of months with her did to him just now. He clenched the letter tight in his fist and furiously wiped the tears that were falling down his face. His heart was broken and he didn't see how could he find her now. She clearly stated in this letter that they can't be together. That the times they spent together were the best in her life and she didn't regret it that much as he thought.

"Billie, man, it's not over." Mike said quietly, rubbing his back.
"If you care that much, then do something now before she moves on, dude!" Tre said shaking him slightly. "You know she loves you and you love her so why the hell won't you go after her?!"

"Tre!" Mike shot him an angry look.

"It is the end." Billie said quietly and got to his feet, heading to the bunk beds, with letter and necklace in his hand.