In Memories We Trust
Part XIV
Part XIII
The longer I’m here without you, the harder it is to bear the thought that I’ll never be with you. How much longer can this go on? How much longer will I have to take this? Twice now, my heart has been broken. Once I tried to kill myself. And still I get another chance, another stab at fucking things up. That’s all I’m really good at...killing people. You would know, Troy, you were one of them.
Or don’t you remember? Maybe you’re just having too much fun up there in heaven to notice the rest of us, too busy being free from the binds of earth to hear my prayers. I feel they’re falling on deaf ears, bouncing off the clouds of your castle and coming back down to taunt me with the life you’re living and the one I’m doomed to. I long to hear your voice again, feel your warm fingers on my skin, the strength of your hugs and the soft whispers of promises for tomorrow. A tomorrow that came and went without you. A tomorrow that still looms on the horizon, empty and desolate like the world around me.
And despite how much I miss you, Troy, and love you…and wish I was with you, I think I’d rather feel the cool clash of metal with skin and feel the rush of blood from a self-inflicted wound. At least then the pain would be real, people would know that I was hurting inside and might do something about it. Even Brian has no idea, as much as he’d like to think he knows what it’s like. He’s hurting too much, blinded by his own pain to help anyone but himself at the moment. And I don’t blame him…just wonder why he brought me here when he was already so torn up inside.
I know you can hear me, please say something.
My cold fingers found the doorknob and I wrapped my hand around it, sincerely wishing I could walk away back down the empty hall to the front door and leave as suddenly as I’d come. Distant, and I mean distant sounds of traffic lay under those of the ocean which was lapping at the shore not far from the house, offering a small dose of comfort to wedge itself between the cogs of my madly turning brain and calm my internal alert center temporarily. My hand turned the ancient handle to the right and my other hand reached up to gently prod the door forward.
I didn’t look up as I stepped over from the dark hallway into the bright kitchen and turned to close the gray, worn door behind me. I may have lingered a little longer closing it than necessary, and when I turned around to face Brian, I was relieved to find his back to me. His shirtsleeves were rolled up and he had his hands full with dinner, and judging by the smell it was spaghetti.
“Come to apologize, I hope,” Brian said from his spot at the stove, his voice firm and menacing like the blade I once knew. I could only manage a few surprised squeaks, my throat choking up like I was about to cry. Brian then turned around and rushed at me, his brown eyes dancing with happiness that I could see from across the kitchen. The corners of his mouth turned up slightly and soon he broke into a full fledged grin, all teeth included.
I was caught up in his hug in under a second, my face pressed against his shoulder and his arms forming a cage around me. He squeezed once and released me and turned around back to his cooking. “Yeah, actually.” I said, unaware that he hadn’t mean what he’d said. “Sorry…Brian…” I trailed away, gray eyes downcast.
“Forgiven,” Brian stated simply. How could he be so forgiving, so easy-going despite all this? He seemed so pure-hearted and fun loving that I cringed at the thought of him and me. I didn’t deserve him, I deserved no one. I deserved loneliness. “Don’t be so down on yourself, we’re going to have fun and get over this together,” he said with his hand tipping my chin up to look at him. I met his amber eyes and immediately the kitchen didn’t seem so cold, so strange, I couldn’t help but think he might be right about this. All of this. Maybe we’d been trying to piece things together the wrong way this entire time, maybe all we needed was a friend. It seemed plausible, it seemed almost hopeful.
He set a plate of spaghetti in on the table in the corner and pulled up a chair for me. I sat down and he pushed a fork into my hand and seated himself across from me. We dined in a comfortable silence for moments, mulling over recent events and preparing ourselves for confrontation. Mid-bite, the house was plunged into pure darkness and the temperature dropped ten degrees. The cold, heart breaking silence deepened as the blackness wrapped itself around me and squeezed me, grabbing at my heart and pulling violently. My chair crashed to the floor behind me, followed closely by the plate of food.
I rushed out the door and down the hall, angrily pulling the front door open and storming out of the house into the same blackness as before. There was no line between land and sky, land and sea, and sea and sky. No distinguishing feature stuck out, no sounds broke though the fog, no feelings intense enough as to pull me back.
Until Brian’s hand found my wrists and pulled me back into him. I breathed deeply and sighed, ready for the talk of my life. Talk of things I’d never even thought to tell anyone before, talk of things I’d never even thought of before. I knew we’d reach places never imaginable, and after this journey through words and memories beyond measurable pain was over, who knows where we’d be. I waited for his voice in the silence, but it was like wishing for a blade to cut deep enough to take all the pain away…it seemed like it would never happen.
“Let’s take a walk.”
She was the girl
Who always carried a camera
Trying to find beauty
In a world so flawed.
The longer I’m here without you, the harder it is to bear the thought that I’ll never be with you. How much longer can this go on? How much longer will I have to take this? Twice now, my heart has been broken. Once I tried to kill myself. And still I get another chance, another stab at fucking things up. That’s all I’m really good at...killing people. You would know, Troy, you were one of them.
Or don’t you remember? Maybe you’re just having too much fun up there in heaven to notice the rest of us, too busy being free from the binds of earth to hear my prayers. I feel they’re falling on deaf ears, bouncing off the clouds of your castle and coming back down to taunt me with the life you’re living and the one I’m doomed to. I long to hear your voice again, feel your warm fingers on my skin, the strength of your hugs and the soft whispers of promises for tomorrow. A tomorrow that came and went without you. A tomorrow that still looms on the horizon, empty and desolate like the world around me.
And despite how much I miss you, Troy, and love you…and wish I was with you, I think I’d rather feel the cool clash of metal with skin and feel the rush of blood from a self-inflicted wound. At least then the pain would be real, people would know that I was hurting inside and might do something about it. Even Brian has no idea, as much as he’d like to think he knows what it’s like. He’s hurting too much, blinded by his own pain to help anyone but himself at the moment. And I don’t blame him…just wonder why he brought me here when he was already so torn up inside.
I know you can hear me, please say something.
My cold fingers found the doorknob and I wrapped my hand around it, sincerely wishing I could walk away back down the empty hall to the front door and leave as suddenly as I’d come. Distant, and I mean distant sounds of traffic lay under those of the ocean which was lapping at the shore not far from the house, offering a small dose of comfort to wedge itself between the cogs of my madly turning brain and calm my internal alert center temporarily. My hand turned the ancient handle to the right and my other hand reached up to gently prod the door forward.
I didn’t look up as I stepped over from the dark hallway into the bright kitchen and turned to close the gray, worn door behind me. I may have lingered a little longer closing it than necessary, and when I turned around to face Brian, I was relieved to find his back to me. His shirtsleeves were rolled up and he had his hands full with dinner, and judging by the smell it was spaghetti.
“Come to apologize, I hope,” Brian said from his spot at the stove, his voice firm and menacing like the blade I once knew. I could only manage a few surprised squeaks, my throat choking up like I was about to cry. Brian then turned around and rushed at me, his brown eyes dancing with happiness that I could see from across the kitchen. The corners of his mouth turned up slightly and soon he broke into a full fledged grin, all teeth included.
I was caught up in his hug in under a second, my face pressed against his shoulder and his arms forming a cage around me. He squeezed once and released me and turned around back to his cooking. “Yeah, actually.” I said, unaware that he hadn’t mean what he’d said. “Sorry…Brian…” I trailed away, gray eyes downcast.
“Forgiven,” Brian stated simply. How could he be so forgiving, so easy-going despite all this? He seemed so pure-hearted and fun loving that I cringed at the thought of him and me. I didn’t deserve him, I deserved no one. I deserved loneliness. “Don’t be so down on yourself, we’re going to have fun and get over this together,” he said with his hand tipping my chin up to look at him. I met his amber eyes and immediately the kitchen didn’t seem so cold, so strange, I couldn’t help but think he might be right about this. All of this. Maybe we’d been trying to piece things together the wrong way this entire time, maybe all we needed was a friend. It seemed plausible, it seemed almost hopeful.
He set a plate of spaghetti in on the table in the corner and pulled up a chair for me. I sat down and he pushed a fork into my hand and seated himself across from me. We dined in a comfortable silence for moments, mulling over recent events and preparing ourselves for confrontation. Mid-bite, the house was plunged into pure darkness and the temperature dropped ten degrees. The cold, heart breaking silence deepened as the blackness wrapped itself around me and squeezed me, grabbing at my heart and pulling violently. My chair crashed to the floor behind me, followed closely by the plate of food.
I rushed out the door and down the hall, angrily pulling the front door open and storming out of the house into the same blackness as before. There was no line between land and sky, land and sea, and sea and sky. No distinguishing feature stuck out, no sounds broke though the fog, no feelings intense enough as to pull me back.
Until Brian’s hand found my wrists and pulled me back into him. I breathed deeply and sighed, ready for the talk of my life. Talk of things I’d never even thought to tell anyone before, talk of things I’d never even thought of before. I knew we’d reach places never imaginable, and after this journey through words and memories beyond measurable pain was over, who knows where we’d be. I waited for his voice in the silence, but it was like wishing for a blade to cut deep enough to take all the pain away…it seemed like it would never happen.
“Let’s take a walk.”
She was the girl
Who always carried a camera
Trying to find beauty
In a world so flawed.