Last Hope

By the time I got to the hospital, Jon was already awake and assigned to his own private room. Pat, another boy from the team, and one of the athletic trainers from the team were already inside, and although I was aloud to go in, I decided against it. I knew Jon didn’t want to see me, and in all honesty, I didn’t really want to see him either. I was glad he was okay and nothing was seriously hurt, but his words and actions were still swirling in my head making my teeth grind against each other every now and again.

Setting my wallet and cell phone down in the empty seat next to me, I extended my legs out and then lowered myself down in the chair until my neck was resting against the subtle curve in the top of the chair, and my eyes were locked onto the ceiling. Letting my eyes flutter shut, I let out a deep exhale and let every muscle in my body relax.

“Yeah she’s outside.” A male voice tickled my ears causing my right eye to crack open just enough to see the door two down from the one in front of me open and then give way to none other than the dirty blonde boy with the loose curls. As his bright eyes darted around the hallway, they landed on me and he sent me a faint smile. “There you are.” His voice was soft as he walked over to me and sat down in the empty chair to my left.

“How’s everything?” I shut my eye and sucked in a deep breath, bracing myself for Pat’s response.

“He’s awake, definitely got a concussion from the hit. He’ll probably need to sideline for a month or two. The loons about to start a smack-down with the doctor about it but if he wants to play again, then, well, he needs to sit out.”

“Impossible.”

“I know.” Pat huffed and silenced his words just in time for Jon’s loud voice to seep out from under the door and break the calm air in the hallway. “Hear him? He’s a complete idiot.”

“Agreed.”

“You’re tired.” Pat said suddenly, his hand resting on my forehead as he leaned over me and pressed his lips to the tip of my nose. “Why’d you rush down here if-“

“I knew you’d take it harder than he would.” I smiled at the blonde boy as his cheeks tinted a light red. “I know for a fact he doesn’t want to see me, and I don’t necessarily want to see him either.”

Pat didn’t respond to my last reply. Instead, he slid down in his chair a little, tilted his head so it was rested on my shoulder, and then shut his eyes for a minute, inhaling slowly and then exhaling at the same speed. Although I wanted to hear what he would have to say about that, I accepted the fact that he had just played a full hockey game and then rushed here after, and all in all, he was more tired than I have ever been in my life, well, physically.

Minutes ticked by as we stayed in the waiting room like this. For a few moments here and there I would feel myself doze off, my head comfortably rested on Pat’s, but as soon as I remembered where I was, when a strong smell of hospital cleaner hit my nostrils, my eyes would snap back open, and I would find myself staring at the off-white wall in front of me, my mind running at full speed through every thought in my head.

Of course every thought in my head generally tied itself to Pat and Jon. I loved both of them so much. I loved them for taking those minutes out of their perfect lives to deal with me, to even associate with me. I was a low-rated artist struggling to get by in New York while they were borderline superstars. Stanley cup winning, Olympic medalist, best and well-known bromance in hockey, kind of famous. It didn’t make sense that they both linked themselves to me. It made no sense that I was sitting in this hospital room in the middle of the early morning, with one of them sleeping on my shoulder.

“Madison?” My eyes snapped open at the sound of my name and my first instinct was to look at the boy next to me, but when I noticed his eyes shut and his lips slightly parted, I realized it couldn’t have been him.

Turning my attention to the doors in front of me, I followed the off-white walls until I reached Jon’s door and smiled at the familiar brunette who was poking his head out. “Hey”, I responded sleepily. The man’s name had slipped my mind due to my sleepy state and the fact that I had been away from the team for a good number of weeks.

“We were going to leave, but uhm… Jon wanted to talk to you for a minute.”

“I don’t think that’s necessary.” I blurted out, my eyes slowly shutting a few times as I yawned and carefully shifted in my seat so that Pat’s head wouldn’t slip off my shoulder and slam into the plastic arm of the chair.

“Well, he does.” The brunette shrugged and then walked away from the door, leaving it slightly cracked open as he quietly took the chair next to Pat and then roughly punched him in the shoulder.

As the blonde next to me woke up, his eyes snapping open and lips parting to suck in a huge breath of air, I sighed heavily and chomped down on my lower lip, hard enough for the pain to radiate through my head, but not enough to draw blood.

“Come on Kaner, we have to get back to the hotel.” The man said standing up and letting out a huge yawn. “You can see Mads tomorrow, we don’t leave until ten to go to Long Island.”

“But-“

“You really want to get on the coach now?” He said, his eyes darting to the open door before falling back on the boy sitting next to me. “You’re move.”

“Yeah, fine, whatever.” Pat huffed and then turned to me and planted a sleepy kiss right on my lips before pulling away a little, kissing my forehead, and then kissing the corner of my mouth. “I’ll talk to you tomorrow morning?”

I nodded instead of speaking. My heart was racing loudly in my chest from his sudden and very public actions. I was positive all of the guys knew about me anyway, but from what I heard a few were pretty skeptical about it. Not about why I made the whore move about jumping from Jon to Pat – everyone knew that story, but how Pat even managed to snag a girl of Jon’s level. According to them, Jon got the pretty ones, and Pat got the ‘okay’ ones. It made sense to me in a way, but I was still a little offset about their thinking. It seemed childish to be coming from a bunch of professionals.

Once we all exchanged hugs and good-byes, I was left in the waiting room, staring at the slightly cracked open door two down from me. There was not one single inch of my body that wanted to walk through that doorway and see the man on the other side. I knew Jon was okay, I knew he would be back in the rink probably before the doctors really allowed it, so there was no point in actually seeing him. I would probably only make him feel worse.

But he asked for me.

My eyes were stuck on the ugly tiled floor beneath my feet as I fought with myself over this. The argument from my head was simple – go the fuck home, you don’t need to be here. The counter to this was of course, my heart – he asked for you, so you should at least be nice to him and see what he wants.

Although I truly wanted to follow my head with this one, I ended up sympathizing with my heart and forced my stiff muscles from the chair and balanced myself on my two feet. I knew this was going to end in a mess, fuck up my brain, and give me a horrible headache, but I felt bad for just walking out. He knew I was here, and he just wanted to talk.

After getting demolished on the ice and being diagnosed with a concussion, the least I could do for him was just show my face.

If that’s what he wanted.

Fingers trembling, they latched onto the edge of the door and slowly pulled it open enough so I could slip myself into the room without making too much movement. Heart racing in my chest, I pressed my hands together and clamped my fingers down around my knuckles. Pressing my teeth together, I turned toward the bed and watched as the brunette’s eyes slowly moved from the television hanging on the wall and over to me. Once those dark brown pools were locked onto my face, I felt my body start to grow sick.

“I’m surprised you actually came in the room.” He blurted out, his voice cracking as he turned from me and grabbed a bottle of water off the rolling table. Taking the cap off, he placed it on his leg and then threw his head back, letting the water flow into his mouth. A few moments after jerking his head back so quickly, he squeezed his eyes shut tightly and went to put his head back down when he groaned and the half empty water bottle slipped through his fingers and hit the floor.

Before he could even open his eyes to see the mess, I had grabbed a few paper towels form the small bathroom attached to his room and kneeled down next to the puddle, pressing the sheets of paper into the small puddle. Picking the water bottle up, I set it down a few inches from the mess and then stood up, my eyes landing on Jon’s that were already glued to me.

“Good job.” The words slipped through my teeth without being okayed by my brain. As they hung in the air, I watched as the brunette’s eyes narrowed and then a small smile formed on his lips.

Nodding, he reached down and grabbed the cap, then held his hand out toward me and looked down at the bottle. “If I turn my head to fast, it feels like I just got hit in the brain with a baseball bat. I tend to do stupid shit when I feel like my heads about to pop.”

“I didn’t mean-“

“I know you didn’t.” He said before I could finish.

As I took the cap from his hands, I grabbed the bottle from the floor, tightened the cap back on, and then held it out to him, too embarrassed and uncomfortable to make eye contact with him again. Placing the bottle back on the table on the other side of his bed, I swallowed hard and looked down at my shoes, my heart thudding in my chest so roughly that it caused my bones to shake.

Carefully sitting down in the chair near his bed, I pressed my back against the chair and looked up at the dim lights hanging on the ceiling. “How are you feeling?”

“I’m sorry I screamed at you.”

“When are they going to let you play again?” I felt all of my muscles tighten as I ignored his words.

“I’m sure Pat can make you happier than I ever could.” His voice was broken.

“Do these things just cure themselves?” My eyelids shut, blocking my vision so I could steady my breath and calm my nerves a bit.

“I tried to catch you in the airport the day you flew to New York. I remember watching your blonde hair blow in the wind as you walked down the hallway. It was the last image I had of you in my head, the ends of you hair turning the corner of that hallway.”

My concentration on keeping myself composed shattered. “Why do you want me here, Jon!” I yelled at the man, my eyes wide and glassy as I connected them with the brown ones across from me. “Did you just want to torture me like this? I get you hate me, but this is just so fucking low.”

“I’m telling you the fucking truth, Madison.”

“Why!” I yelled back at him, my body shooting up. “Why do I need to know this? Why do you think I care about this, about any of this?”

“If you didn’t care why did you come here? Why are you here, Madison?” His eyes were wide as he yelled back at me, the lines in his face deep as a heavy frown formed on his lips.

“Pat told me-“

“Figures.” He huffed, his cold brown eyes locking onto his fists that were balled up and pressed into the white blanket resting over his lower torso and legs. “It was stupid of me to even think you came here because you actually cared if I was okay or not.”

“Of… Of course I care.” I whispered, my eyebrows meeting in the center of my head as I looked down at my shoes, anger pulsing through my veins.

“I’m sorry I lost you Madison. I’m sorry I made you hate me, and I’m sorry it took me until you left to realize how in love with you I was.” He whispered and then shifted in the bed and pressed the palms of his hands against his face. “I’m done though. Me and you, it’s really just over. I saw the way Pat looked at you, the way you looked at him, I love both of you too much to fuck that up. I’m glad you two worked out.” He ended in a whisper and then looked over at me, his eyes not moving further than my stomach.

After a few minutes of sitting in the silence, I cleared my throat and whispered a small ‘thank you’, to which he simply nodded and then reached over and grabbed my hand with his. Rubbing his thumb on the backside of my hand, he tilted his head back a little and then shut his eyes, letting out a deep exhale before pulling his hand back and gently resting it on his forehead.

The silence lingered as Jon shifted in the hospital bed and then after a few commercials played on the TV, he turned to me and frowned. “I don’t think they’re going to let me head home for a while. I mean, they’re going to try to keep me not moving around too much and shit for at least a week or two.”

“In this place that long?”

“I don’t know. Maybe since I would be alone here anyway they’ll just ship me back home. At least I’ll be close to people I know and the trainers and shit.”

“That makes more sense than locking you down in New York. This place isn’t that great, let me tell you.” I forced a small smile as I glanced at the man, his eyes darting to me for a moment before he smiled a little and nodded.

“I have to agree, can’t say I have much luck here.”

“I don’t have much luck anywhere.” Our eyes connected as we both let out a small chuckle, and then kept staring, our eyes glued to the others. “I should get going. I have a show to work on. It goes opens in three weeks and-“

“I’m proud of you, Mads.”

“Yeah.”

“Will you come back tomorrow?” He asked, his eyes dropping from mine as his cheeks turned a light shade of red. “I know the guys are leaving tomorrow, but I just… I missed talking to you is all.”

I stayed silent for a minute or two as I thought about what Jon asked. Talk? Just to talk? That’s the same exact thing that made me fall in love with him in the first place. We just kept talking; we were just together and calm. I always liked talking to Jon, I always liked being there for him when he was under stress, I liked having him know I was there for him. It felt good to be someone to someone else. It felt good for someone to need you.

But this is what started everything back then. This is exactly how I fell in love with him in the first place. I couldn’t let him suck me in again, I couldn’t let this scatter my brain again. Jon was a danger zone, if I was within a mile of him, I was in danger. I didn’t want to be in danger anymore. I didn’t want to let him twist and turn me like this.

“Sure, Jon.” I whispered as I stood up and walked over to the door. “I’ll see you tomorrow.” Glancing back at him, I watched as he frowned a little and with wide brown eyes, watched me intently as I slipped out from behind the door and quietly shut it behind me. As soon as the door snapped into place, I let out a small breath and listened as the man in the room sighed heavily and within a second of that, let out a loud growl followed by the thud of something slamming against the wall.

Swallowing hard, I hesitated, the thought of going back into the room running through my head, but as I thought about seeing his broken eyes again, and hearing his voice, I shook my head and let my legs carry my body down the hall and over to the elevator.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I wrapped my arms around my torso and sighed. He knew I wasn’t coming back tomorrow, he knew I was lying. I felt bad, I honestly felt bad for making my lie so blatantly obvious, but I couldn’t help it. Every second I spent with Jon was a detriment to my mental health. He was the only man on the face of the planet that I could hate with every fiber of my being but also want to drop everything for.

As the doors slid open in front of me, I grabbed my cell phone and dialed Pat’s number. Leaning my body against the back wall, I listened as a rustling noise sounded through the phone, and then a deep, sleepy voice.

“Hey babe, what’s up?”

“I love you.” I blurted out, tears dripping from my eyes as a sour taste filled my mouth. “I’m sorry, I just… I’m having a rough night and I just… I don’t know why I…”

“I love you too, Madison.” Pat’s voice was clear now. Every drop of sleep had been washed away by my strange outburst. “Is everything okay? Are you okay? Where are you? Do you need me?”

Tears started to rush down my face as his words resonated in my head. He cared so much about me, how could I even think against him. How could I even have second thoughts about Jon when I basically had him? How could I want something so sour when I had something so sweet?

“Home”, I lied. “I’m home, I just… I just felt like I should tell you that.”

He chuckled, and with another thank you, he told me to get some sleep. With a nod and a small inhale, I bid him a goodnight and hung up just as the elevator doors slid open and gave way to the dark and vacant lobby of the hospital. Swallowing hard, I dragged my feet across the tiled floor as I thought about how I wasn’t going to get any sleep for a long time.