Last Hope

“They want to keep him for a little until they’re positive that his concussion isn’t anything more serious.” Pat informed me as he shoved a few French fries into his mouth after smothering them in ketchup. “Since he’s had a grade three concussion before, they’re more worried about him than normal people. He could have post-concussion-syndrome; that kills careers.” His words were muffled as he chewed his food, but as soon as he swallowed, his eyes locked onto mine and a frown set in on his face. “I’m worried about him, ya’ know?”

I nodded.

“He’s my best friend, I can’t imagine not having him on the team.” His eyes held mine, inspecting them closely as I poked at my food and let out very small, almost inaudible, sighs. “You’re worrying me.”

“No need.” I responded quickly, pulling my eyes from the green leaves on my plate and attaching them to the bright baby blue orbs across the table from me. “I didn’t get much sleep last night, all of the commotion rattled my sleep cycle.” I offered, but Pat didn’t bite. He knew I was lying through my teeth, but thankfully, he let it slide.

Nodding a little, the blonde boy across from me sat up straight and then sighed heavily; letting his broad shoulders slump forward. “He apologized for the other day.” I dropped my eyes back down to my plate that I had barely touched and gave Pat a small nod of encouragement to keep speaking. “I’m not sure if he meant it, it was the meds, or his brains just rattled form the hit.” I could hear the smile form as he spoke, but I couldn’t match the movement. “He asked about you.”

My fork slipped through my cold fingers and clanked against the white porcelain plate that held my food. Glancing up at him, I blinked a few times and went to speak when the waiter came over and asked if we needed anything. With eyes still glued to mine, Pat asked for the check, a box for my food, and then informed him it was delicious. I would have agreed, but my mouth was dry from the sudden mention of me, and my mind had no recollection of how the salad actually tasted, or if I had even tasted it to begin with.

As the waiter gave us the usual thank you, come again speech, I clumsily grabbed my fork from the plate and set it down on the napkin next to the knife. Inhaling slowly, I brought my eyes half way up the table until I spotted Pat’s fingers drumming against the off-white tablecloth.

“Am I missing something?”

“Like?” I whispered, looking up at him from under my eyelashes.

“Like why he would ask if you were going to come see him today?” His eyebrows rose at the end of the question as curiosity and frustration played on his soft features. “I don’t care if you-“

“Sharp told me he wanted to talk to me last night, so I hung back and talked to him after you guys left.” The words flew from my mouth in a quick jumble, but somehow Pat managed to make sense of them in only a few seconds.

With a nod, he glanced up from the money sitting on top of the check and then locked his eyes on me again. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I didn’t think it was important.” I whispered as my eyes caught the waiters as he walked over to the table and handed me the box for my food and then took the check from Pat. “He just apologized, told me about his head, and then I left.”

“He apologized to you?” Pat’s eyes were wide and full of interest now, and as they bore into me, I silently cursed myself for even bothering to offer up that information. He didn’t need to know I was there, it was a simple meeting, nothing happened, and I was probably not going to head back there tonight. One and done. I would see him next time we awkwardly ran into each other in a few months.

Pushing the contents of my plate into the container, I sucked in a deep breath, set the plate and fork down, and then secured the lid. Once that was done, I stood up and took one last big gulp of water before grabbing my leftovers and turning toward the blonde who already was facing me, right hand moving things around on his cell phone, and left hand stretched toward me, palm open, waiting for my smaller hand to grab it.

Taking his hand, I walked up next to him and watched as he quickly moved his thumb around the screen of his iPhone, then hit the small blue button on the keyboard and shut the screen off. “I have to head back to the hotel.”

I frowned. “Already?”

“We have to be at the hotel by eight, pack all of our things, and then board the bus by 9:30. Then we are off to Long Island, then right after that game tomorrow night we fly back home.”

“Oh”, was all I could say as I followed the man down the sidewalk, through a few people, and over to the small parking lot where his large SUV was backed into a spot near the end of the lot. Once we got to his car, he stopped right by the passenger’s side door and turned to me, letting go of my hand and placing it on my hip.

Looking down in my eyes, his eyebrows met in the center of his forehead and then he frowned. “Have I told you, you’re worrying me?”

“Only a few hundred times.” I replied, a small smile surfacing on my lips as he chuckled nervously at my response. “I’ll be fine. I’ll finish my salad later, get some sleep, and call you tomorrow as soon as I wake up.”

“You promise?” He asked, his eyes glistening in the fluorescent lights flooding the parking lot.

“Cross my heart”, I whispered and leaned into him, tilting my head up so I could leave a soft kiss on his lips. Relishing in the warmth the kiss gave me, I took a step away from him, sent him a small smile and then watched as he let out a deep breath and smiled brightly back at me.

Without another word, Pat opened the door for me, helped me into the car, and then softly shut the door behind me. As he rounded the car and got in the drivers seat, I pressed my forehead against the cool window, placed my left hand on Pat’s right, and watched intently as the scenery started to pass by my window.

As the buildings and colors swirled in my window, I let my mind wander through thoughts of my paintings and the future gallery show. Once I was fed up by the fact that I had no idea what to even base my paintings off of, I squeezed my eyes shut and was about to lightly slam my head against the window when the car came to a stop. Directing my eyes up to the windshield, they came into contact with a bright red circle.

“I changed my mind.Can I call you when we get to Long Island?”

“You can call me whenever you want.” I whispered as I glanced over at the boy and pushed forward a small smile. “You know that, don’t ya?”

“I just like to hear you say it”, Pat chuckled and kissed the top of my hand before pressing his foot onto the gas pedal letting the SUV lurch down the road. Turning my attention back to the window, I sucked in a small breath as the buildings whizzing by started to tickle the back of my brain. We were nearly seconds from my apartment building, and although I was tired and my mind was in overdrive, I didn’t want Pat to leave.

Inhaling slowly, the car came to its final stop in front of the lobby doors. As the engine died out, Pat turned to me and went to speak when I opened my door and got out of the car. Slamming it shut, I walked around the car and by the time I reached his door, he was already standing outside of the car, his eyes wild and worried.

As soon as I wrapped my arms around him, he let out a deep sigh and pressed his face into my shoulder. “I’m really not that far away.”

“I know.” I whispered and felt the guilt start to creep up my spine as I thought about going to see Jon at the hospital once Pat left. He knew about Jon and I, and he knew about the other night, but it still bothered me. It bothered me that I was seeing Jon on my own. It bothered me that Pat and I weren’t even officially dating and I was worried about upsetting him this much.

I swallowed hard as my head started to pound. “I have to go, Maddie.”

“I know.” I repeated and slowly loosened my arms around the boys midsection and took a step back. “You promise you’ll call when-“

“Cross my heart”, he smiled sadly at me, kissed my forehead, then my nose, and then laid a soft kiss on my lips. “Talk to you soon, Maddie.” He whispered into my ear and then carefully walked back to his car and got in.

Sucking in a small breath my heart started to pound in my chest as I watched him turn the car on and then turn to me, giving me one last sad smile and wave before he turned to face the road, turned the headlights on, and accelerated away.

Once Pat’s large SUV was out of sight, I headed away from the front doors of the lobby and over to where my car was parked against the sidewalk. Limbs trembling slightly, I walked over to the driver’s side, opened the door and slid into the seat. Letting my eyes scan over everything as my mind battled with itself, I sighed heavily and shut my eyes tightly, slamming my forehead against the steering wheel as I closed the door and let the little light over head fade to darkness.

What was I doing?

Did I really want to go see him again? Every time I see him we fight. Every time I even think of him my whole body reacts badly. If this was what he did to me when I wasn’t even near him, how was I supposed to face him?

Before I could realize, I shoved the key into the ignition of the car and started it. As the headlights flicked on and the engine revved and then evened out, I bit down roughly on my lip and pulled out into the street. Driving to the end of the block, I made a left turn and headed for the hospital.



“Toews, Jonathan”, I whispered to the woman at the front desk and watched as she nodded and then quickly scribbled a pass out for me. As her long fingernails brushed against the palm of my hand as she handed it to me, I cringed, mumbled a small thank you, and then slapped the sticker against the bottom right of my sweater.

Teeth grinding against my lip, I headed over to the elevator and hit the small up arrow. As it lit up, I shut my eyes for a moment in a last ditch effort to calm myself down.

We were just friends now. It’s like him and Pat switched places.

The thought made me queasy. I sounded like such a whore, like such a bad person. No wonder why Jon was so mad, no wonder why my brain had been on fire ever since Pat called me that night. No wonder why I was such a mess.

A loud bing echoed through the hallway causing my eyes to snap open. Watching two men walk from the elevator, I slowly walked in and glanced down at the badge. Hitting the four on the panel, I leaned against the back wall and watched as the large silver doors slid closed in front of me.

It’ll be fine. Just calm down. He probably just wants to complain to someone. Remember he said he was happy for you. He said it was okay.

It was okay.

The doors opened before me and as I stumbled out into the hallway, I felt vulnerable. I felt like the second I saw him, his huge brown eyes, I would fall back into the hole I was in what felt like years ago. I didn’t want to see him, I didn’t want to torture myself like this.

But my feet kept moving.

The large wooden door was in my face in a matter of seconds. The numbers hung evenly at eye level, taunting me. They made me realize who was behind the door, but they also gave me the option of running. I could still run home. I could still leave. I didn’t have to do this. These numbers concealed my identity. He would never know it was me. He didn’t expect me to show up anyway.

So I could still run.

My hand carefully set itself down on the cold metal door handle and twisted it down. As the small click rang through the hallway, I pushed the door open and let my eyes slowly make their way over the ugly tiled floor and up to the bed that was all messed up, sheets pushed into piles, spilling onto the floor. Shifting them over half of an inch, they locked onto his.

“Madison?”

“Hi”, was all I could whisper as he grabbed the shirt that was sitting in his lap and pulled it over his head. “I-I’m sorry I just barged in.”

“Nah, it’s cool. They just let me shower, I have to get all this shit hooked up again.” He huffed as his big brown eyes locked onto the IV and machines hanging over him. “I’m trying to think of compelling arguments against putting the IV back in.”

“Those are gross.” I agreed as I dropped my body into the uncomfortable chair next to his bed. “Sorry you have to go through that.”

“It’s part of the job, eh?” He sent me a small smile, but immediately frowned when he saw my dim lit eyes and tight lips. “You didn’t have to come back, Mads.”

“I know.”

“So why did you?”

“I don’t know.” I whispered as I glanced up at the man.

We sat in silence for what felt like hours before Jon turned to me and swung his feet off the edge of bed. Pressing them into the cold tile floor, he walked over to me and held his hand out to me.

Inhaling sharply, I placed my small hand in his. As soon as out skin touched, a fire started on the top layer of my skin and quickly engulfed my whole body in unwanted flames. Once I was on my own two feet, Jon carefully let go of my hand, setting it back by my side and wrapped his arms around me, pulling me as close to him as possible.

“I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry, too.” I whispered, the strong urge to start crying rushing through my body.

“I should have never treated you the way I did.”

“Yeah.” I managed as my heart rate started to pound mercilessly in my chest.

“Pat’s been good to you, right?” He whispered in a sad tone.

“Mmmhm.” I managed as the burning sensation started to flood my senses. As my throat started to close and water started to build up behind me eyes, my voice left me.

“Am I making your life worse?” He asked honestly, puling us apart so he could lock his large teddy-bear eyes on mine. “I am.” He answered his own question as he took in the water in my eyes. “You can leave.”

I shook my head.

“Please don’t-“

Just as the tears started to run down my face, I wrapped my arms around Jon’s neck and pressed my body into his. Burying my face into his shoulder, I inhaled deeply and then let out the small sob that was lingering in my throat. As the light smell of Jon’s deodorant filled my head, I shook my head and pressed my eyes harder into his strong shoulders.

“Mads.” He whispered, “Please don’t cry.”

I shook my head again.

“I hate seeing you like this, I really do. Especially when I’m the one making you like this. You shouldn’t have come, you-“

I pulled my face from his shoulder and looked up at him, our faces centimeters away from the other. Again, I shook my head.

“Madison, please.” His hot breathe hit my lips and then rebounded back onto his. As he shivered, his eyes grew dark and his lips pressed themselves into a thin line. “I made a mistake.”

I nodded.

“I don’t deserve you this close.”

I nodded again. My heart was starting to break through my rib cage. Sweat was starting to fall from my hairline, and although my head was in a frenzy, I managed to keep the volume low. All I could do was focus on the man in front of me. It killed me, it physically hurt me, but I didn’t care.

All I wanted to do was be this close to him again.

“Leave”, his breathing was uneven, “you need to just leave.”

I didn’t move.

“Madison, please just leave.” He begged, his eyes not able to rip themselves from my lips.

I swallowed hard and looked up at him, my eyes scanning over the tension in his features. This was killing him as much as it was killing me. He was probably right. I should just go. I should. I should. I need to. Leave. Leave, Madison. Just walk away. Run. You’re good at running. Just go.

Leaning into him, I lifted my body on my tiptoes and pressed my lips to his. Instead of pushing me away like I thought he would, his hand slipped onto the back of my neck and he quickly deepened the kiss while his other hand ran down my arm and stopped in the middle of lower back. Pushing me closer to him, I felt my whole entire body go numb.

My mind was silenced, my skin was warm, my heart was racing, but every pain I felt prior to this was gone.

It felt good, despite how incredibly wrong it was.