Last Hope

Pat never called me that night. A part of me was happy that he didn’t, I wasn’t sure if I could hold a normal conversation with him after kissing Jon like that. My actions were eating away at me, and I couldn’t get myself to calm down about it. I couldn’t stop my body from trembling as I replayed his lips crashing against mine over, and over, and over again.

“it’s late”, Jon sleepily turned his head to face me, his big brown eyes peeking through the little slits his eyelids made. “You should head home, you look sleepy.” He lifted his hand up, letting the machines connected to him rattle. Once his warm hand pressed against my face, his lips twisted into a frown. “Mads?”

I simply nodded, feeling his calloused fingertips rub against my cold skin. Letting my eyes flutter shut, the man in the bed sighed heavily and did another quick movement, making all of the machines rattle again. “You need to stop moving around.” I whispered once I felt a presence close to my face. “They’re going to have to reconnect the IV.” I cracked my eye open to see Jon’s face lingering close to mine.

Once my eyes were fully open, Jon kissed me softly and then moved back. “Did Pat ever call you?”

“No.” I whispered, my heart rate accelerating. What if Jon told Pat? If anyone was going to tell Pat it was me. It wasn’t even like we were dating, but he’s been so close to me, we’ve been talking so much, I still feel like I betrayed him in a way.

Jon’s eyes widened. “No?” He echoed me, his voice drowning in question. “What do you mean no?”

“Should he?”

He shrugged, sinking back down into his bed. “I don’t know. Sharp and a few others text me that they were there and in their rooms.”

“Maybe he was just really tired.” I offered, but quickly took my words back as Jon’s eyes narrowed and he quickly flipped over and grabbed his phone from the rolling table that they served him dinner on. Phone in hand, he quickly started pressing his thumbs against the screen, letting the wires hooked to his wrist wave in the air.

Jon set the phone on his chest a few moments later, his big brown eyes cloudy as he glanced from the dark screen, to the television, and then over to me. Inspecting my tired eyes and frown that seemed to have been permanently etched on my face, he grinded his teeth together and then huffed.

Just as he was about to speak, the screen on his phone lit up and I watched closely as his big brown eyes narrowed, his jaw clenched, and his free hand balled into a tight fist, so tight his knuckles were turning shades of light pink and off white.

“Hey-“

“He’s awake. He’s fucking awake, that-“

“Jon, stop.” I said sternly, my eyes wide as I watched his thumbs pause in mid air, about to continue his angry typing. “I’ll call him. Don’t… Don’t get involved.”

“I want to know why he didn’t fucking call you.” He was angry, more angry than he should have been at this kind of situation. It made me wonder why, but I immediately pushed all thoughts to the back of my head and lifted my hand up, silently asking him to let me handle it.

After only a few seconds, he sighed and shut his phone off.



I called Pat about seven times before I gave up. Every time I would call him, I would watch as Jon’s eyes filled with more fire as he continued to text his best friend. Every single time he would text him and he would reply, my phone call would go to voicemail, and it made it harder for me to breathe every time. I was upset and angry and hurt, but most of all, I was confused. I was confused how the man that was so nice to me only a few hours ago was suddenly ignoring my calls.

“Is Madison with you?” Jon read aloud as I set my phone down on my leg. As soon as I heard his voice, my head snapped to the side and I watched as Jon inhaled slowly. “No, she never showed.” He whispered. “Sorry man, she told me she wouldn’t show, I should have told you.”

Jon grinded his teeth against each other loudly. “Stop.”

“It’s okay, I didn’t really expect her to come anyway.”

“Jon, shut up.”

“Yeah, she keeps calling. You think she’s okay?” I felt my blood start to run cold. What was he reading, what the fuck was going on. “Probably, you could just answer her, dude.” His nostrils flared as he glanced up at me and then continued. “I would but-“ Jon’s voice fell away as his eyes burst into raging flames before me. Without a word to me, he sat up in his bed and roughly placed the phone against his ear and turned away from him, the machines rattling from his movements.

“I think you should head home now, Mads.” He whispered as he waited for the person on the other end of the phone to pick up. “Please Mads, go home and get some sleep.”

“Jon-“

“Madison.” He turned to me, his big brown eyes catching mine instantly. “Go get some sleep.”

Jon’s Point of View

The machine that measured my heartbeat was starting to get on my nerves. The anger that was pulsing through my veins from reading Pat’s text had made my blood pressure skyrocket. I was seconds away from ripping all of these wires off my body and walking down to Long Island so I could kick his ass myself.

Luckily I had managed to talk Madison into going home before I let Pat’s words and actions really get to me. Madison was fragile, probably even more so than when I had met her, and if she knew why he didn’t call, I’m not sure if her tiny frame and uneasy mind could handle someone doing that to her again.

Squeezing my eyes shut, I tried to stop myself from screaming in agony as I thought about the last person to treat her this way, the last person to blantanly ignore her needs to fufill their own selfish desires.

Me.

“Mr. Toews, is everything okay?” An older nurse popped her head in and set her eyes on the machine hanging above my bed. As I nodded and stared down at my cell phone, trying to figure out what was the best thing to do about this whole situation, the woman inhaled loudly and then took a step into the room. “Is it about that lovely girl that was here earlier?”

I almost smiled.

“Oh Madison? Oh no, not at all.”

“She’s precious.”

“I know.” I whispered and tried to mask the horrible feelings that were swelling in my stomach.

“Will she be the one you’re going to stay with when they let you out?” I bit down on my bottom lip as I let those thoughts flood my mind. One of the main reasons I wanted Madison to come over tonight was to ask her about all of this, but her kissing me like that and Pat being an asshole took my plans a little off course.

I shrugged and then shook my head. “It’s complicated.”

“Ah, well”, she took a step back by the door and then smiled at me again. “The doctor will probably ask you again tomorrow. You seem to be doing well, but just for precautionary measures we don’t want you living alone in case something happens. After all, we are well aware of how stubborn you are, Mr. Toews.”

I could only laugh at the woman’s words as we bid each other a goodnight and she shut the heavy door. As the images on the TV screen swirled and the lights in the room stayed dim, I laid back in the bed, tired of curling up with these old white blankets, and let out a long groan.

A part of me wanted to call Madison, a part of me wanted to kill Patrick Kane, and a part of me wanted to just go to sleep. They always said that sleeping clears your mind, but I’m not sure hours of thoughtless slumber could calm the storm in my brain. It was too much to handle while my head spun and my body felt sick at least once every two hours.

Before I could decide on what I wanted to do before I went to sleep, my phone went off. Glancing down at the screen, I watched as Pat’s name popped up. Without a second of hesitation, I put the phone to my ear, hit the green button and took a deep breath.

“How the fuck could you.” I was ready to explode.

“Chill out man, we aren’t even dating.” Pat sighed into the phone. I could just picture his dick head smile and stupid blonde curly hair. The thought of his face made me visibly disgusted. He may have been my best friend for years, but I honestly wanted to kill him. “It was one chick, one night, that’s all.”

I wanted to scream, scream on the top of my lungs at him. I wanted to tell him how lucky he was to have Madison so close to him, how lucky he was to have a fucking chance with her, and how unbelievably selfish and stupid he was for doing this. I may sound like a hypocrite, but I’m speaking from experience. It may seem like nothing when you have someone, but the moment they’re gone, it’s like you lost a limb on your body, a huge chunk of your heart, a section of your brain that kept everything level.

“Do you know how fucking lucky you are to have her the way you do?”

“A casual fuck when I see her? Yeah, I am. I love her Jonny, but-“

“That’s all she is to you? A casual fuck? Are you kidding me right now?” I was screaming at this point, my eyes wild, and my head pounding. “How could you play her like this? Do you know how much she cares about you?”

“I care about her too! We’re friends, Jon, so calm the fuck down. I love her, I do, but-“

“But nothing. Fuck you, fuck you’re stupid ego and your stupid fucking mentality. You’re an asshole, you don’t fucking deserve someone like her. She’s out of your league, so fucking out of your league.” I was sitting up now, my fist pounding into the mattress.

“Oh! Okay!” Pat laughed angrily from the other end. “My stupid ego, my stupid mentality? You’re the one that dated her and then fucking ditched her. You’re the one that literally fucked her and then didn’t even show up to the most important day of her life! You had her Jon, you had her wrapped around your fucking finger and you left her.”

I hung up the phone. I didn’t want to hear anymore. I didn’t want to listen to Pat tell me about my past. I knew what I did. I knew what I did to her. I let it haunt me everyday of my life. I let her bright eyes and smile haunt me everyday. It’s to the point where sleeping pills won’t even give me peace at night. The only thing that can get me to sleep is her. The only thing that keeps me sane is her.

I wanted to cry. I wanted to press my face into the hard pillow beneath my head and just cry. I was tired of feeling this way. I was tired of worrying about every step I took, and every word I said. I was tired of the stress, I was tired of the worry, I was tired of every single thing. A part of me wanted to disappear and a part of me wanted to die.

I just wanted this circus to end. I just wanted to be able to lie in bed, stare at the ceiling, and be able to smile.

I just wanted to smile.

The rest of the night went buy in a swirl of images on the TV, dim fluorescent lights, and the constant sound of shoes squeaking down the hallway. When I had finally slipped back into reality and out of my thoughts, the sun was coming up, illuminating the sky and showing the bright swirls of orange, pink, and blue. As I let my tired eyes dance across the pastels, the door to my room opened, and then shut quietly.

“Jon.” For a moment, I thought I had finally gone to sleep. I thought the beautiful blonde standing there was an image in my dreams, but as she walked toward me, the smell of her perfume and shampoo filled my senses. It was all too real.

“Mads?”

“Did you talk to Pat last night.” Her eyes were glassy. As I inspected them for a few seconds, I came to the realization that somehow, she knew. “Did you?” The blonde’s voice was stern, a tone similar to that of the voice she used when she broke up with me over the phone.

My heart started to hurt.

“Last night, yeah.” I breathed out, trying to control the ache in my chest and the relentless pound in my head. My anxiety was starting to worsen and my heartbeat was about to go through the roof.

She shook for a moment, but soon regained her composure. “And he told you he was fucking some girl and ignoring my calls?” Madison’s teeth were gritted as she spoke. The pressure she was applying against her perfect rows of teeth was visible as the muscles in her cheeks twitched. “Did he?” Her eyes widened as she awaited my answer.

I nodded.

“And you didn’t tell me?” I shut my eyes and squeezed them shut as I heard the strain in her voice. “What did you fucking congratulate him?”

No.

“You fucking kissed his best friend last night, Madison, so-“

“Oh, fuck you Jon.” She yelled and slammed the heel of her combat boot into the ugly tied floor. “You guys are disgusting.” The passion in her voice sent a hot knife straight through my torso. Every organ in my body was on fire. “You fucking play me like this, make me feel so fucking important and then leave me. You make me feel like I’m normal, like everything will be okay and then you go and do this. I thought you cared about me, I thought you both did, but all you two fucking care about are yourselves, your needs, and the easiest way to get laid.”

“I never slept with her.”

“I don’t care anymore, Jon.” She screamed, tears rushing down her face. “I don’t care who you fucked or who Pat was fucking or what you say about me or how little you care about me or anyone else. I’m done being toyed with. I’m done opening myself up to people to have them tear my organs out like this. I never want to see you or Pat or Sharp or any of you ever again.” She cried as turned away from me and walked toward the door, her whole body shaking.

Just as she was about to open the door, I pulled all of the wires from my wrist and jumped out of bed. Running up to her, I wrapped my arms around her and felt her body turn to mush in my grasp.

Knees shaking, Madison’s small body pulled mine to the floor as she leaned over my arms and hung her head down, sobbing into the fabric of my sleeves. “I just want someone to love me.”

Tears started to form behind my eyes.

“I just want someone to show they care about me. I just want someone to love me, but no one does.”

“I do, Madison.”

“Why does everyone abandon me? What did I do to be alone? What did I fucking do to be all alone all of the time?” She wept quietly as her body stopped shaking and stayed steady in my arms. “I don’t want to paint anymore, I don’t want to be here anymore, and I just want to die. I want to die so I won’t see you anymore, so I won’t see Pat or Sharp or Casey, or anyone else.”

“You have me, Mads, stop.” I whispered as a tear trickled down from my eye. “I’m sorry I didn’t tell you last night. I was… I was afraid you’d do something stupid and-“

“Why do you do this to me? Why do you make me feel so important and then remind me that I mean nothing to you?”

“You mean everything to me, Madison.”

“I tried to kill myself, again.” My heart shattered in the bottom of my stomach. I wanted to run to the bathroom and throw up. I wanted to scream at her and kiss her at the same time. I knew what the helpless feeling felt like. I knew what it felt like to give into your demons, and I hated that she knew the feeling more than I did.

I went to speak when she slowly turned around and looked up at me, her big blue eyes filled with water and tinted pink. “I couldn’t do it.”

I shook my head as my eyebrows met in the center of my head. Just as I was about to speak, she dropped her head down and laid her trembling fingers on my forearm. “I thought about you. I thought about not seeing you again, and I stopped. I just wanted it to be over, but I couldn’t stop hearing your voice. You’re like a fucking disease. I’m terminally fucked up, and it’s all your fault.”

“Madison, I’m-“

“Thank you.”