The Cyanide Circus

z y x w v u t s r q p o n m l k j i h g f e d c b a

Eleventh row, seventh brick. I push. Wait. Nothing happens.

I tilt my head and stare at the gloomy brick wall as if it's going to magically collapse if I look hard enough. I move my eyes back to the flyer.

Leave your bag, you won't be needing it here.

But I can't leave my bag, can I? Everything I own is in there. Leaving my travelling bag would be like destroying your own home as if you were crushing a snail's shell. But the reason I'm standing here is so that I can afford a house, right?

I must say this flyer sure is confusing. Is it even trustworthy? Who knows what awaits behind these bricks. I guess I'll never know. I followed the directions but the wall hasn't budged. Maybe all of this was just a big joke.

I sigh and rub my shoulders. They're getting sore from carrying this bag for so long. Since keeping it on won't help my aching body to rest I take it off, dropping it next to my feet. I sigh again, in relief this time, and do a much needed stretch.

I put my arms above my head, pull at them, breathe out and let them fall to my sides again. I rub my neck as I slump on the ground and rest my back to the brick wall. I stretch out my legs and grab my toes, feeling myself loosen up. I sigh once again.

I can see the little window at the back of Giuseppe's bakery. It's dark but in the faint evening light I still can make out the pattern of his short, greying curtains. Nothing ever stays vibrant in this town. Eventually everything gets drained of it's colour.

As I lose myself in a spiral of frown worthy thoughts, the ground suddenly begins to shake. The vibrations bore themselves into my bones as if Satan is crawling his way out of hell to drag me down with him.

Earthquake? We've never had earthquakes in Tibithia before. It's not geographically possible for us to have an earthquake. No, it's not an earthquake, it can't be.

The wall supporting my back vanishes unexpectedly and I tumble backwards. I whirl down what feels like a hill. A yelp of surprise escapes my mouth. I 'ouf' and I 'huff' and I 'humph' until I slam against the flat surfaced ground.

"Finally. What took you so long?"

I heave myself up from my fetal position to find an unfamiliar man standing in front of me. He buries a copper pocket watch into the inner pocket of his tail jacket. He's wearing a top hat and shades with circular lenses. Shoulder length, brown hair flows from under the hat. Who is this man?

"I'm Dr. Harribeth." he stretches out his arm towards me.

I grab his hand and shake it politely. "Hello, doctor." I say.

He stares at me for a brief moment - or at least I think he is, I can't see his eyes through those shades - and let's go of my hand.

"I'm not a doctor." he says, "I'm just crazy."

This time I'm the one to stare.

"Oh." I feel a slight unease creep up on me. Maybe I should introduce myself? "Well, I'm-"

"Dawn. I know." he cuts me off. I stare baffled at him. He shoots me a crooked smile before he spins around and walks away from me. "Come, come." he says, gesturing me with his glove clothed hand to follow.

I hesitate.

I just got to this weird place. I have no idea who this man is. It's very likely that he's lying about his name and is louring me into his wicked torture chamber of some sort. I mean he did admit that he's not sane. I'm not falling for this that easily.

He stops abruptly and twists his head to my direction.

"Aren't you coming, dear?" he asks.

"I- Well-" I stutter. "I don't even know where you're taking me."

He spins the rest of his his body around, so that he's facing me again. "Why, to the circus, of course." he waves his hand at the direction he was heading towards just a moment ago. "It's why you're here, isn't it?"

How did I not notice the enormous circus tent when it's just a few meters away from me? It's lit up by hundreds of fairy lights like a Christmas tree and I can hear faint music coming from inside. Its colours are purple and yellow in a pattern of vertical lines. Maybe this isn't a big joke after all.

When I've finished gawking at the tent I return my gaze Dr. Harribeth, noticing that he's already started his continued stroll to the glowing circus. I start walking in a quick pace to catch up with him as I carefully study the ground so I don't stumble over a rock and end up on the ground again.

"Wow, this place is really huge!" I say when I've reached an arms length distance between us.

"This is only the outside, dear. Just wait until you get to see..." he pauses as we enter and my jaw drops to the sandy ground when I take in the sight, "...this." he finishes.

Nearest to me is a circle, big enough for a person to stand on, that work's as a little stage for the performance director to present on. Behind the little circular rising there are trampolines in different sizes and shapes and colours. To the left I see boxes containing juggling equipment, balls, cones, knives, you name it. There are also stacks of hula hoops, a pair of unicycles, magic acts material and a rack with dazzling outfits. And to the right, a fully fledged canon. I feel a smirk playing on the corners of my lips.

I lift my chin and see a full size trapeze with aerial hoops and a tightrope and probably the longest step ladder I've ever seen. I feel my stomach drop the higher up I look. I may have done this before but just imagine looking down at an ant sized audience from that height.

Something is missing though.

"Where is everyone?" I ask Dr. Harribeth.

"Right here." he says and just as he spins around to face the entrance, a wave of people march into this wonderland contained in a circus tent.

There are about 20 of them but I am shocked over that they all pretty much look the same. The girls have short, dark hair and they're wearing black skirts and what looks like parade jackets but with no sleeves. Instead they have long gloves that reaches over their elbows and cut off fingers. Their faces are painted with black around their eyes, almost like a comic book hero mask. They boys are dressed the same, except they're wearing black leggings and their makeup is black underlined eyes. They all have a blank expression.

The one's that do not look like living wax dolls are the group of boys that just entered. They're wearing more colourful clothes and way more detailed. One of them is wearing a top hat and the guy next to him has painted lines coming out of his eyes like tree branches. I must say, he's done a great job.

"Panic!" Dr. Harribeth exclaims as if he was greeting an old friend.

The group of boys turn their attention to Dr. Harribeth and they walk up to him. They exchange friendly hugs and handshakes.

Dr Harribeth faces me again and gestures to the boys. "Dawn, this is Panic! At The Disco, the circus' band."

Oh, so he was greeting friends.

"Hi, I'm Brendon." the one wearing a top hat says and extends his hand for me to shake. Looking at him up-close I can see that he too is wearing makeup but it's only some eyeliner.

But just when I'm about to grab his hand and introduce myself I jump out of fear at the sound of someone clapping loudly.

"Alright, why is everyone scattered around? Get in your positions, people, come on!"

The parade people that were standing in messy flocks organized themselves into neat lines and marched to their places as if they were puppets. They obeyed like loyal dogs and moved as if they were connected to each other. Never have I seen such perfected synchronization.

I search for the source of what had startled me and find a serious looking man dressed in a full parade costume. But what concerns me is his white hair. I mean, he looks young and healthy, he could easily be around my age so how is his hair white?

He whips around and glares at me as if he could sense my eyes studying him. I take a cautious step back at his venomous look and immediately move my gaze to the ground.

"And who's this?" he asks nonchalant.

"Ah, yes. How could I forget... This is Dawn." Dr. Harribeth answers. He puts a hand on my shoulder and gestures to the man standing in front of us as if to say that it's okay to look at him, "Dawn, this is Gerard."

I nod at Gerard and he lengthens his arm towards me. I grab his hand and he gives me firm shake. Gerard's face is as stone-like as the parade people. Except he looks like he has potential to carve a smile into his solidified expression.

"He's the leader of the Black Parade." Dr. Harribeth adds. I nod again, even though I have no idea what the Black Parade is.

Gerard and Dr. Harribeth follow the last line of parade people towards the stage. I stay where I'm standing, unsure of where to put myself. I don't even know what's going on. Dr. Harribeth looks at me from across the room. The lights dim down to a faint glow.

"What are you waiting for, dear?" he asks. I'm confused. Should I be waiting for something? Orders? "Get up here, it's showtime."

"Showtime? But I haven't rehearsed!" He doesn't actually mean to tell me I'm supposed to perform right now, is he?

I hear voices whispering, chattering excitedly. When did the people get here? I can't see anything in this dim light. All I can make out is moving silhouettes on the bleachers.

"Rehearsed?" he says, "There's no such thing as rehearsing here, my dear. Now, come on. Everyone's waiting for you."

Music starts playing and the voices hush. Tunes of a song I've never heard before. It sounds beautiful though. I feel a pair of hands on my back and I'm pushed forward towards the platform. I gasp in fear at the sudden contact but realize it's only two of the parade girls at either side of me. I try not to trip over anything as they motion me to my position. We come to a sudden stop and the parade girls' hands disappear from my back. The spotlight is focusing on the band at the front.

"Oh, well imagine,
as I'm pacing the pews in a church corridor
and I can't help but to hear,
no I can't help but to hear and exchanging of words.

What a beautiful wedding!
What a beautiful wedding,
says a bridesmaid to a waiter,
yes but what a shame,
what a shame the poor groom's bride is a
whore."

I am unexpectedly grabbed and thrown up into the air as all the lights come on at the same time, almost blinding me. I don't realize I'm soaring until I feel the wind blowing upwards and I'm aware of the fact that I'm falling. Panic grasps my windpipes in a tight grip and I feel my every muscle tense up. Is this how it's going to end? Am I going to splatter against the ground like a water balloon? I hope Fabiola doesn't struggle with scrubbing the blood stains off.

Instead of closing my eyes and preparing myself for my death I look down. I'm falling towards a trampoline. I feel a spark of hope flicker and I suddenly know what to do. I take a deep breath, loosen up and bring my knees up to my chest as I tilt myself forward. When I'm certain I've spun 360 degrees in the middle of the air I stretch my arms and legs out before bending my knees to ready myself for the jump.

"I chime in with a haven't you people ever heard of
closing the god damn door?
No, it's much better to face these kinds of things
with a sense of poise and rationality.

I'm once again launched upwards, higher this time. I see one of the parade girls flying towards me from the right, hanging upside down from a trapeze. I turn so that I'm facing her and grab her outstretched arms. We soar to the right end and then back to where we had met.

I don't need to check. I let go of the girl's arms, do a flip and feel another pair of hands grabbing mine. I knew the other parade girl was coming. I've been doing this practically my whole life. I've got my head in the game.

I hope these ladies have names. I can't keep calling them parade girls. But for now I need concentrate on what I'm doing.

I'd chime in, haven't you people ever heard of
closing the god damn door?
No, it's much better to face these kinds of things
with a sense of...

Oh, well in fact
well I'll look at it this way
I mean technically our marriage is saved.
Well this calls for a toast,
so pour the champagne, pour the champagne..."

We've slowed down to a moderate pace and I'm lowered into darkness. They've dimmed the lights again. I guess they're trying to put the lights in sync with the music. When I'm on solid ground the two girls are hissed up again and I'm soon pulled to the side by Dr. Harribeth.

"Great job Dawn." he says and puts a hand on my shoulder. I see our shadows dance as the lights come on again when the chorus rolls on again.

Dr. Harribeth moves his hand to my back and starts pushing me with him as he muddled changes direction every few moments like he's being chased. He starts mumbling to himself but I can't make out what he's saying.

"Are you alright, Doctor?" I ask worried.

"Yes, dear, I'm fine but we need to get you out of here before- Ah, Gerard! Great performance tonight, don't you think?" he shoots the white haired man a nervous smile and I watch as Gerard's jaw clenches.

"Yes, great as usual." he unclenches his jaw, "Except for one little detail." Gerard looks at me. He still has that grumpy statue look on his face. "These people are here to see a show, sweetheart. They want excitement, they want raw emotion. But then you step in and give them a scripted scene like Romeo and Juliet. We all know how it ends. This is not a theatre. And you're not an actress." He turns around and strolls away from us. "Surprise me next time."

I stare baffled at him until he rounds the corner and disappears. Behind me Dr. Harribeth checks his pocket watch and marches off after Gerard. Just before he's about to vanish around the corner as well he drops a 'sorry!' and points at his watch to indicate he's running late. The music comes to an end and a moment later I hear Dr. Harribeth's voice echo through the tent. He's welcoming all the guests to yet another one of Cyanide Circus' splendid shows.

I sigh and ponder for a moment about what I should do with myself. I don't have my bag or somewhere to stay and I don't know anyone at this place. I sigh again and look for a way out of the tent. Maybe I'll know where to go if I get out of here.

I whip around and yelp in surprise at the unexpected lady slowly walking towards me. She's chubby and reaches my waist. Her gray hair is neatly tied in a bun on her head. She doesn't even flinch at the high pitched noise I made.

"Shh! Why you yell?" she asks, "It is only Fabiola."

"Fabiola?" I say.

"Yes, I show you where you sleep. Come." she motions me to follow her.

She may be small but she moves quite quickly. I almost need to run to keep up with her. We swish to the right and left too hastily for me to comprehend where we're going. I almost lose sight of her twice.

She stops abruptly and I'm just a second away from knocking into her. I sigh in relief that I didn't send us both to the ground and take a moment to look around.

The room is small but just enough. There's a bed in the corner with half a dozen pillows and a makeup table with lights and everything. There's a circular carpet in the center and the room is lit up by fairy lights scattered along the corners of the roof. It's decorated in red and gold and looks as cosy as a room can get.

"This is where you sleep." Fabiola explains, "If you need anything just call. I go now." I thank her dearly and wave her goodbye as she leaves.

I scan the room once again. I don't think I'll struggle with making myself at home.