Ghost in the Mirror

I am dead.

I’m not going to lie or pretend that I’m alive, that I’m breathing. I am dead. And there is nothing I can do about that.

I died on May 13th . I can’t recall exactly what happened the night I died, but all I know is at the beginning of the night I was alive, and at the end of the night I wasn’t.

I can’t remember how I died exactly, all I can really remember is how peaceful it was.

I woke up in my room dead.

Well… I didn’t really wake up but… you know what I mean. It all started earlier that day. Let’s go back to the beginning. April 1st, just 43 days until my death.

-Rew-

It started out like any other day, I got up around 5:30 a.m., took a shower until about 6:00 a.m., got dressed, did my makeup, made my bed, and went down stairs for breakfast.

I grabbed my usual bowl and filled it to the rim with my favorite cereal, popped a piece of bread into the toaster, poured a glass of OJ.

After my toast was done I filled my bowl up with milk (1% I don’t didn’t like 2%) and I ate.

You’re probably wondering why I’m telling you this. The thing is in order for me to come to grips with things I need to remember everything I did that day, so maybe I can understand why, and how I died.

After I had finished my breakfast I went out to my car, and drove to school.

I parked my car in my usual spot and met up with my friends.

“What up hooker?” I asked my friend Cassie as I approached her and the others.

My friends Cassie, Ryan, Izzy, and Blaze where there.

“Oh nothing much. . . just my dick.” She laughed.

“You’re so gross!” I said playfully punching her shoulder.

“Where’s D?” I asked

“Probably in class. You know Derek, always about getting good grades and being there on time.”
Blaze laughed.

After my friends and I talked about the usual ‘What did you do last night? How fucked up were you last night?’ conversation, we headed to class. And right away something was different. Neither Derek or his stiff were there. Which was weird because he was always at school. He never missed a day, not even if he was sick.

I had known Derek since 8th grade and we had always been close. I guess you can say that he is was my best friend.

You’ll have to forgive me… I’m still getting used to being dead.

My teacher, Mr. Jones, had walked into the class room without saying a word. The usually happy teacher was hysteric and pale. That was strange to me because, he had always been so cheerful in the mornings, and three out of the five school days he had always brought us something to eat. Two days before my death he had brought the whole class doughnuts and coffee. Mr. Jones had always been my favorite.

"Good morning class” he said in a vacant tone.

“Good morning Mr. Jones” We had always said that. Not because we had to, but because we all respected him.

His face grew pale and he broke out in a sweat, he started to speak before he froze to catch his breath. He had a piece of paper in his hand that he read from “I’m afraid that I have some terrible news.” He stopped to compose himself. “One of our students, Derek Reed, has taken his own life. There will be counselors available, if anybody needs to talk. Some students may find it hard to concentrate on their school work, whereas others may find diving into school work a nice distraction.” He looked up from the paper and I could see that his tear stained eyes. “We know that there will be rumors and we…” He looked up from the paper, with tears running down his face and pain in his voice he spoke. “I’m not going to read some silly email, telling kids not to be sad.” He crumbled the piece of paper into a ball before he continued “Be sad if you want too, hell I know I am. I’m going to speak from my heart, because believe it or not, each and EVERY one of you finds your way into our hearts. Don’t go around and ask yourselves why because no one knows why it happened. Know body know why Derek, a seemingly happy kid decided to kill himself. This is what we are going to do, screw class today, We are going to take the whole period to talk about him, not about what we would do if he was still here, but we are going to talk about him as if he is here.”

I was shocked I couldn’t believe that he was gone. Suicide is a strange thing that makes me angry, Even in death I dislike that word. I used to talk to my friends about how bad it was to lose someone you loved to suicide.

I had seen him the day before, Sunday, and we talked about the usual shit. Graduation, Warped Tour, our relationship.

I had always liked Derek, I had always had strong feelings for him, but I never told him. I knew he liked me, he always told me that. I wanted to tell him that I felt the same, but I never did. I don’t know why, maybe it was because I was afraid.

He had come over to my house and we had climbed to our usual spot in our tree. And we talked. And laughed and smiled. We did everything the same. He even sang to me. Hold On Till May. D was an amazing singer. He didn’t sing often, but when he did I was always happy.

Hold On Till May

She sits up high surrounded by the sun
One million branches and she loves every one
"Mom and dad, did you search for me?
I've been up here so long I'm going crazy!"

And as the sun went down we ended up on the ground
I heard the train shake the windows
You screamed over the sound
And as we own this night
I put your body to the test with mine
This love was out of control
3-2-1 where did it go?

Now don't be crazy
Yes now of course you can stay here.
Been in a touring band for going on ten years.
"Big deal," she said, "I guess you're official."
I only said it 'cause I know what it's like to feel burned out

It gets you down,
We've all been there sometimes
But tonight I'll make you feel beautiful once again

And as the sun went down we ended up on the ground
I heard the train shake the windows
You screamed over the sound (over the sound)
And as we own this night
I put your body to the test with mine
This love was out of control
3-2-1 where did it go?

If I were you, I'd put that away
See, you're just wasted
And thinking 'bout the past again
Darling you'll be okay

And she said,”

He looked at me and I smiled, Derek was the only person I had ever felt comfortable enough to not
only sing around but tell everything to.

I sang…

"If you were me, you'd do the same
'Cause I can't take anymore
I'll draw the shades and close the door
Everything's not alright and I would rather..."

He smiled

And as the sun went down we ended up on the ground
I heard the train shake the windows
You screamed over the sound (over the sound)
And as we own this night
I put your body to the test with mine
This love was out of control
Tell me where did it go?

That was our song. It will, even though we are now both dead, always be our song.

Things got pretty real after the song… he looked at me, in a kind of lustful way, and smiled a sour of sinister smile.

“I want to try something” he started “but before I do I want your permission.”

“To do what?” I asked

“This” He said scooting towards me. He placed his hand on my cheek and kissed my lips.

I was shocked, but I liked it. I kissed him back, gently sliding my tongue across his bottom lip and our mouths parted. He deepened the kiss.

Everything happened like a movie. The kiss was everything I wanted it to be and more. After the years of waiting I finally knew what it was like to kiss him, to have our bodies intertwine. To be with him in every single way possible.

I had always liked and cared for him, but it was that moment that I knew I loved him.