Ghost in the Mirror

I loved him… I still do even in death, and I don’t know why I didn’t say it.

He was the only person I have ever been able to fully trust.

“I’ve waited to do that for a long time” he said, then kissed my head.

“I have too.”

I was happy, content and I knew that I wanted to be with him, to die with him. To carry him in my heart forever.

“There is something I want to tell you.” He said

“Yeah?”

“I love you Charlie, I have since the first day I saw you.” His voice was genuine and I could tell, by looking into his eyes, that he was telling the truth.

I was quiet, I wanted to say that I loved him too, I wanted to tell him that I had always felt the same way, I just couldn’t.

“Aren’t you going to say it back?” He asked

“You know I do.” I said

“No I don’t. How do I know that you’re not just saying that? Tell me you love me. Life if you need to, just tell me you love me. I need to hear it at least once.” There was pain in his voice.

I tried, believe me. I really did. I had said it a million times in my head, and to the mirror, and to our friends, but being there with him, being held in his arms, I couldn’t say it.

“Charlie…” He was crying. I had only seen him cry once, when his grandmother died. “I love you. I would do anything for you. And just knowing that you don’t feel the same, hurts me.”

“Derek” I said “I do feel the same way.”

“Then why can’t you say it?”

I know a lot of you are probably thinking that I’m a cold hearted bitch and that he deserved a response. But I just couldn’t think of what to say. I could have told him I loved him, and things would have went on. But I felt broken.

I was never the type of person that dropped the L bomb. I had only ever told one person that I loved him, and he didn’t feel the same. I was broken, and I knew that he was hurting too, but instead of saying ”I love you too” I got up and left.

“Charlie” He yelled out as I left.

I went home, and I cried. “Why couldn’t I say it?” was the question I kept asking myself.

Before I went to sleep I thought of him. I was going to tell him the next day at school.

But as you all know, he wasn't there the next day.

All I could do was remember him.

The whole class was talking about Derek.

“I don… didn’t know him well, but he was always good to me. He is a good kid.” The quarterback named Noah said.

This girl named Sarah was next. “I have known Derek since freshman year, and I had always thought that he was a great guy. He was always so kind. He always seemed so happy. It’s hard to think he’s gone.”

It was my turn.

‘What do I say?’ I thought to myself

“Charlie, would you like to speak?” Mr. Jones asked

I shook my head. I knew I was sad, hurt and broken, and I could feel the tears falling from my eyes.

But I had to speak.

“Derek was my best friend. I have known him for years and…” I felt my voice crack, my face grow flush, and tears fall for my eyes “We did everything together. We had so many plans. We were going to graduate and go to Warped Tour.” I had to pause, “ He had my heart. I saw him yesterday. He was…” I couldn’t breathe and I felt my heart racing “I loved him, I still do, and he told me he loved me. But I couldn’t say it back. Why couldn’t I say it back?” I buried my face into my hands. “If I would have said it back, he would still be here.”

Without even having to look, I could feel everyone in the class staring at me, and without saying a word, I got up from my desk and ran out of the room.

At that moment all I wanted was to hear his voice, to tell him that I did love him. But I couldn’t, because he was dead, and I couldn’t help but feel that it was my fault.