You Put the Spike in My Heart

"You made it!" Mikey squealed when he spotted Bailey smoking in the most barren part of the back stage. She gave him a half-hug as best as she could while her other arm held her cigarette outside a small window.

"Of course I made it, I never break my promises...twice." She winked and took a mellow pull at her Marlboro.

"You're not hyper anymore?" Mikey asked and frowned slightly.

Bailey snorted. "I think you were the only one besides me who enjoyed that this morning."

"Oh, I don't know. I don't think Gerard minded you clinging to him and -"

Bailey started and choked mid-pull, followed by a small coughing fit. A hand found its way to her back and the other confiscated her cigarette.

"These things will kill you, sugar." Gerard grinned before sticking it in his mouth.

Bailey blushed and cleared her throat, both to compose herself and to keep from sounding like a frog.

"Very original, Mr. Way."

"I do my very best, Miss Taggart." Gerard mocked with a cheeky smile. He took one more pull before offering it back but then brought it back out of her reach and narrowed his eyes. "What happened to your face?"

Before she could react he had dropped the cigarette and cupped her chin. Bailey felt her cheeks smolder and her legs grow limp. She couldn't even bring herself to blame it on the teasing she had been succumbed to all day.
She couldn't speak. His touch was making her heartbeat quicken more than any drug, his scent in the close proximity was making her head light and his concerned eyes were making her feel a bit queasy.

"Looks like you don't mind it much either."

Bailey barely heard Mikey's snarky comment before two other voices broke through the fog.

"Kiss her!"

"All night long! Do it!"

Bailey flipped off Ryan and Bam and then pushed away from Gerard - who had turned a darker shade himself.

"I ate pavement skateboarding earlier."

When his worried look didn't cease she decided to don a British accent and brush it off 'Monty Python' style.

"'Tis but a scratch!"

The small smiles told her it was effective enough but the awkward tension was still in the air. Bailey rolled her eyes and threw her hands up in defeat.

"That's my cue to leave you guys to your...whatever you guys do before you go on stage. I'll be back in a bit." She said before practically running in the opposite direction.

"Bailey, wait!" Gerard called to her but she ignored him and slapped Bam and Ryan in the head before disappearing around the corner.

~*~

"Bailey, open the door!" Bam called from outside the bus. Bailey had only just locked herself in five minutes before they had found her. She sighed in an irritated manner as she pulled a Bud Light out of the fridge.

"Fuck off, I'll be out in a few!" She yelled back.

"What are you doing in there?" Bam asked suspiciously.

"Can't a girl get a little privacy...or a little trust?" She asked.

"Let me in!" He all but whimpered.

"You have your own bus...van...camper...thing...just fuck off, Bam!" Bailey tried to drown him out and took in a mouthful of beer.

"I didn't mean to embarrass you, okay?"

Bailey spit the contents of her mouth into the sink.

"You didn't embarrass me, I just need a freaking girlie minute. Is that so much to ask?"

When she was sure her was going to leave her alone she took another swig only to spit it back out again.

"Fuck." She whispered. She had resorted to come back to the bus and drink, which was no surprise to anyone, let alone herself. But the reason she was upset was not something petty like embarrassment. She had grown up with those two assholes, it took much more than that to get to her (and what was more fun than a little revenge in the near future?).

It wasn't because everyone was getting on her case about drinking, and it was definitely not because they had been tormenting her about Gerard all day...it was because they were right. And they were also right about her being unaware of it when it was so blatantly obvious.

The comfort she felt with him from the start, the craving for his approval, the empty feeling any time anyone else grabbed her by the wrist, the way her walls constantly came tumbling down whenever he was around, the way she had a panic attack almost every time he touched her unexpectedly.

The most pathetic thing about the whole situation, was that it only dawned on her when she couldn't even take one swig of beer without feeling guilty.
She pouted and mumbled 'party foul' as she poured the rest down the sink.

When she opened the bus door, Bam stood at the bottom waiting. Bailey looked over him for a little more than a few seconds before pointing at him accusingly.

"This is all your fault. I blame you."

"For what?" Bam's face went from confused to contorted with pain when Bailey socked him in the balls on her way past him. She made a mental note to do the same to Ryan when she found him later.

~*~

She didn't ask for this. She hadn't been attracted to anyone since Bam, and she had lost all interest in him weeks before they had ended their relationship. Maybe she had been a bit unrealistic but she had honestly believed that she would never feel like that again - like she was incapable of it. It wasn't a beautiful and enlightening feeling, it was awful and unwanted; something to turn her road to recovery's hills into cliffs.

As she watched MCR's set, she couldn't help but feel worse. She may not have wanted to feel anything for him but she did, and she wanted him just the same.
But watching him sing and hearing the message that gave their fans so much hope, she couldn't help but feel small and unworthy. He had this shit together. He was thriving. She had barely even begun.

Even if he was attracted to her, which she couldn't even bear to entertain the thought of...it would never work. He had started low but transformed himself into the best kind of chemical while she would always be nothing but the worst kind of poison. End of story.

Bailey drank it in and let all of it have its way with her...and then she drank the rest of the beer in the fridge after the concert.