Honest

Elizabeth. That one name that would put an instant smile on my face is now the name that makes me die a little inside. I loved-love- her. The way the corners of her eyes crinkle when she smiles; the softness of her voice when she laughs; her gentleness towards everyone and everything; her big brown eyes that would always captivate me; just everything about her made my heart flutter at the sight of her. She was perfect, well I thought she was perfect for me but it was all fake. It hit me like a ton of bricks. It hurt a lot.

I mean I knew break ups hurt and not all relationships are perfect but I really wanted this one to be. I longed her touch, I wanted her and some point in that relationship I needed her. But that day when I found out that she has been lying to me the whole time, I felt distraught and numb. It felt like every single bone in my body automatically turned into jello. My heart shattered into a billion pieces and the love I once had for her just vanished into thin air.

I often questioned my motives and judgements towards her. Had I done something wrong? Was I that bad that she had to lie to get through that god damn relationship fuck. Thinking back, if she had apologized and told me what was wrong, I would have actually took the blame to repair our relationship. I was so in love that I didn't care. Not until I actually saw her with another man. One that was the total opposite to me. Maybe that's why she chose him over me. I was that bad that she needed a man that had no resemblance whatsoever to me so she doesn't feel too disgusted. I get it. I'm worthless.

'Patience, test my patience. If I made it too hard for you maybe you should've changed it. Say it, you should say it. Cause I'd say I was wrong just to make it fill all the spaces. Waiting, always waiting. If I gave you control would you say that we could've saved it?'

After a few months, I realised that we're better off without each other. I was weighing her down and she were weighing me down. I've been more involved in the album and the band, it's great. I could actually be myself around everyone without having to be tied down to her. I felt freedom like I've never before.

I just hope one day she can feel what I'm feeling. The weight fall off of my shoulders as I start to rediscover myself without her. It feels good, it feels natural. Maybe one day when I see her again, I don't have to feel guilty and I can act like we were never in a relationship. Maybe then she doesn't have to lie to me or herself.

'I hope you find a way to be yourself someday in weakness or in strength. Change can be amazing. so I pray for the best, I pray for the best for you.I wish you could be honest, I wish you could be honest with me.'

Hence here I am, writing this to get it out of my system so I can move on in life. I'm touring with my band The Neighbourhood and I'm actually having fun. I don't give too much of a flying fuck about settling down anymore than when I used to with Liz. I'm actually being a normal person, partying and drinking and having fun overall.

Jesse told me that I was too busy helping Liz pursue her dreams when I didn't even have time to do that to myself. Now that I'm not tied down, I can finally do what I always wanted without needing to consult anyone about it.

Although I feel amazing, I do feel the guilt seeping into my mind once in a while when I'm alone. I don't get why she ever stayed with me when she was so unhappy. It's not like I ever forced her into doing something. I've asked her about it but she just hesitated about everything that I just stormed out furious, not waiting for any response. It just bugs me that I don't have the answer to it. But oh well, that's life I guess.

'Chasing, always chasing dreams. Why’d you stick around, why’d you stay with me?Why’d you fake it? Hesitation is killing me too but I couldn't save it, I couldn't save it'

So to whoever is reading this; maybe it's Elizabeth, maybe it's future me, or my band mates, or some random stranger, I want you to know that you do not need to fake your happiness. If you're unhappy, tell them and move on instead of hurting the both of you in the process of the lies. It's better that way.

Just be honest.