Children

"Ready?" Drew asked. I felt hesitant. This wasn't really right. I didn't really want to.

"Let's do this." Eddie said confidently, a smile on his face.

"No one's home right?" Brent asked, looking as worried as I felt.

"God stop being such a pussy." Drew said. Eddie laughed, and I forced myself to join in.

"Let's go." Drew said. We circled the small home, going to the window.

"What do we do now?" Brent asked quietly.

"Don't worry, I saw people do this in movies all the time!" Eddie said enthusiastically. He took off his shirt, showing off his muscles. Everyone knew how proud he was of those abs. He wrapped the shirt around his fist and said "You're supposed to punch it." I tried not to roll my eyes.

"Wouldn't it be easier just to open the window? Why do we need to break it?" I suggested quietly.

"Great thinking Jack." Drew said.

"Breaking it would be more fun." Eddie muttered.

Drew yanked the window open. It was a large dirty glass window. He climbed through, Eddie following. I hesitated. Brent stood frozen.

"It's breaking into someones house. That's so wrong, come on guys. Let's do something else." Brent said.

Drew turned around. "Seriously dude? You're backing out? Fine. Go. Fuck off. You've always been this scared idiot. Go away. Jack are you coming?"

Brent's blue eyes flashed angrily. "Fine. I'm not going to do something illegal."

"You say something about this and I'll end you." Drew said. "Come on Jack, we don't need him."

I didn't want to. I wanted to chase after Brent. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted Drew to disappear. But I knew I couldn't leave Drew. Drew was my best friend. We were best friends since 2nd grade when he came to school. I still sometime thought about how small he was. I've always been tall and lanky. We always looked ridiculous standing next to each other. That didn't stop us. I was there when his family broke apart. When his father abused him. I couldn't leave him. No one would know about this. No one cared about Alex Gaskarth any way.

I climbed through the window, with some difficulty. The house was dark, gloomy looking. It looked miserable. Eddie fiddled around and found a lightswitch. Lit, the room looked cozier. Drew had a manic look in his eye.

"Ok where do you think his room is?" Eddie asked, looking excited. Energy seemed to ooze off him. He looked ecstatic.

"It's up, second door to the left." Drew said. No one questioned him. He led the way, climbing up the wooden stairs. Eddie followed him, and I trailed behind.

We were in Alex Gaskrath's house. I didn't really ever think about Alex Gaskarth. He was quiet. Drew seemed to hate him with a fiery passion. Everyone else seemed to just go along. You couldn't say no to Drew.

"Jack you coming?" Drew asked. I nodded and climbed up till I reached them.

"That's where his room is." Drew said confidently. He opened the door and turned on the light. I peeked in.

The room was a mess. I lived in a house where outer appearances ruled. My room had to look presentable at all times. Not Alex's life apparently. The floor was covered with layers of clothes, cds, and just generally everything. Canvases were everywhere. Brushes and paints were all over. The closet was open and clothes were falling out, like a twisted waterfall.

But all of this wasn't what was really interesting. The walls were completely covered. Colors and words jumped out at me. Words were everywhere.

Looking around, I started reading. ITS HELL HERE was written on the ceiling in black paint. AND IT FEELING LIKE IM AT AN ALL TIME LOW was scrawled with a blue pen next to the bed. SUICIDE IS THE WAY OUT OF THE LABYRINTH was posted on the closet in Times font.

"God, he's got loads of time." Eddie muttered, looking at the room in awe.

"It's been like this for years." Drew said.

With almost beast like rage he started tearing the papers off the walls. Piles and piles of papers joined the messy floor. He laughed. There was a type of energy, of manic insane energy that accompanied Drew as he trashed the room, tearing away all the poster, pictures, and words. Eddie joined in, laughing. WE'RE ALL MAD HERE fell down next to my feet. I didn't know what to do. I felt completely frozen. I stood static as the room was destroyed. Then Drew stopped.

Two of the walls were now white, with bits of tape still sticking. The white was so contrasted to the rest of the room. It looked wrong.

Eddie continued tearing the wallpaper of papers. Drew meanwhile opened the drawers in the table next to Alex's messy bed. He ripped out the first drawer frantically. He took out a box of pills and smirked before throwing them on the floor. Continuing to dig into the drawer, he threw out loads of paper, a few sketches, and a few CDs.

"It's got to be here somewhere." He murmured.

He took out a notebook and looked at it for a moment before throwing it on the floor too. I felt my curiosity get the best of me. I opened the notebook. Don't look at this. was written on the cover in a messy scrawl. I knew I should stop but I couldn't. I turned the page. "This is my place. This is mine. The little spot of sanity." I frowned.

Looking around, I saw Eddie was still tearing the walls down while Drew was going through the drawers with a frantic panicked air. I slid the notebook in my backpack.

Drew meanwhile muttered "Found it. Let's go." He was holding a cheap photo album. Eddie stopped. Three of the walls were white. Eddie, Drew and I started down the stairs when the sound of a key through the door startled us.

"Lets go! Come on!" Drew said, racing towards the open window. "I can't get caught!" Drew muttered. The door opened. Drew climbed out of the window, and Eddie followed.

"Jack!" Drew whispered frantically.

I turned to the door. Alex closed the door and looked straight at me. His eyes widened in surprise.

Jumping into action I climbed out the window and started running away, Drew and Eddie at my trail. In my last glance I saw Alex's face contort angrily as he ran to the window and looked at us run.

"It's fine that he saw us, my dad's the police sheriff, he can't do anything." Drew was saying. "We did it! We fucking did it guys! Just wait until we tell everyone tomorrow! You guys fucking rock!"

Eddie asked quietly what Drew took, what was in that album but Drew ignored him. It didn't matter. When Drew invites you to go somewhere, you do it.

We continued running through the dark streets, even if now it was unnecessary. I couldn't help but feel ecstatic and all powerful. We got away. We did it. The world was ours. We ruled. We were the best. No one could beat us. We could do whatever we wanted. I felt infinite and recklessly brave. I loved my friends and the world. I was 16 years old and I could do whatever I wanted. Drew smiled at me and I knew he was feeling the same thing. It wasn't until later when the guilt hit.

I was sitting in my room, with its blank walls, wearing nothing but boxers, holding Alex's notebook. I opened it, wondering what would be inside. I didn't really have a good reason to take it. I know, I know, its wrong. It was too late now. I had to read it. I was going insane from curiosity.

Alexander William Gaskarth December 14th 1987- 18 April 2003 I'm guessing I'm dead. No other reason you'll be reading this. Guess I finally went crazy. Too many pills or not enough. So are eulogies ready? Let me guess. He was quiet. I wish I knew him more. Why was he so messy. I wish other kids hadn't tormented him so much. How many right? Well later or not.

What? 18th of April. That was in two days. Dead. He couldn't mean that. I turned the page. It felt surreal, like a tv show or a piece of fiction writing, maybe written horribly fast. This couldn't be real. Did he really mean it? Dead. It was written in a messy scrawl. I let my eyes scan the next page.

i can't breathe. i can't breathe. there's a hole in my mind. something is wrong with my lungs. my heart is missing a beat. i'm hungover from life without the over. help. help. i can't breathe. i can't breathe. i can't breathe.

Another page.

I know your mind. I know each crevice. I know each turn. I have a memory. So burn me alive. Burn me. I know what you want. I don't tell secrets. Worry away. Far far away from me. I wish I loved you Drew.

Drew? I turned another page, needing to know.

Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. Drew. The page was filled with the name again and again. I frantically turned another page.

I can't stand quiet. I can't stand cold. I can't stand white. I can't stand mathematics. I can't stand order. I can't stand being frozen. I can't stand static. I am a hurricane. I am a storm. I am a natural mishap. I am weightless. I need to be. I can't stand quiet. I can't stand that silence. I can't stand blankness. Every color needs to be used. Every canvas needs to be painted. I'd rather a scarred body than a pure one. I'll take evil over opinionless any day. Live. Be outrageous.

I wondered what he'd think of my actions. Was I worse than Drew and Eddie for being passive? I didn't do anything wrong, I just went along with it. I turned the page.

DONT COUNT MY SECONDS. DONT COUNT MY WORDS. DONT COUNT MY THOUGHTS. DONT SAY ANYTHING. HE CANT UNDERSTAND. I WISH I DIDNT UNDERSTAND. I WISH IT WAS THAT EASY. I DONT COUNT

And another page.

I'll be alone. I'll never be anything else. I can't be.

I frowned. It was written in a calm precise writing, accepting the fate of being alone.

How ironic is a sentence about irony that doesn't talk about irony huh.

The next page was a sketch of a bird in flight. It was painted messily. LET ME GO was written on the top. I looked at awe at the painting. It felt so alive, so vibrant. Drew used to say that Alex just drew random lines. It wasn't art, he'd boast. It's meaningless. Looking at his drawings, I couldn't believe I'd ever agreed.

The next page was simply the word STAY again and again. I turned the page and this time the phase HATE was repeated, in angry lines, angry writing, fast and hard. The next page left me breathless. On one side was a portrait of Drew. It was perfect. It looked exactly like him, showing every part of him in precise pencil lines. Drew's determination and fear, his smile, his energy, it was all there in the sketch. The other side was smeared brown. I knew it was blood. I DESERVE THIS. I WISH. was written on it in a black marker. Was it that or I WISH I DESERVE THIS. ?

If life was a computer simulation wouldn't killing yourself be the right choice? was written in a calm quiet handwriting.

My mind can explode but I'll still have to get dressed.

The next page read:

give my body to science and burn my stuff. a huge bonfire with everything will do. i dont want my art or writing or anything to survive. fuck trying for immortality.

I couldn't read more. I already felt so guilty, more guilty than ever. I broke into his house, did nothing while they ruined his room, and stole this, whatever it was. It was a diary or a journal or a- a will, I guess.

I closed it and a picture fell out. It was Alex, his brown eyes looking serious, contrasting his smile as he hugged Drew. It was clearly Drew and from a few years ago. I couldn't imagine it happening nowadays.

I put the notebook by my bed, closed the light and tried to sleep. What happened between Drew and Alex? I remembered when they were best friends. It was so far away. Was he really going to commit suicide? What could I do? What went wrong?

The question made me stay up, and soon it was morning and I had to go to school. "My mind can explode but I'll still have to get dressed." echoed through my mind as I got ready.

I slipped the notebook into my backpack and went to school. Alex was sitting in his seat, last row, middle seat, as always. I hesitated. Drew came up and gave me a smile. I couldn't talk to Alex when Drew was there. I had to give him back the notebook. Alex was drawing, all through the lesson. Drew meanwhile texted me a few times. I wasn't in the mood to answer. How many comments can you hear about some girl's tits before it gets repetitive.

In break Alex swiftly stood up and walked out of class, coming back second before the teacher. He wasn't at lunch. I never really noticed him so much.

Finally I managed to be alone with him at the end of the day. Eddie and Drew had hockey practice. I sucked at hockey. I caught up to Alex as he was walking home.

"I need to talk to you." I said.

He took out his earphones and said "No I'm not going to tell anyone that you destroyed my room. Goodbye." With that he stuck back the earphones and started walking faster.

"No its not that!" I said.

"I don't care." Alex said and walked faster yet.

"I need to-" This time he just ignored me and started running. I stood frozen again, wondering what to do. I had to give it back. I'd put it back and pretend I was never part of this. I'd be sad in his funeral and all but I couldn't stop him.

Thats when I got an idea. We snuck in once, I could do it again. I could climb through that window and put it back in that drawer. Maybe he wouldn't even know I took it.

I waited that day by that window. I found it weird he didn't do anything to stop people from breaking in again. I waited. Drew found out he went out every Wednesday and Thursday at 6 with a guitar for lessons. I stayed by the window, wait anxiously holding that notebook. Was it still evil if I was giving it back?

Finally he left the house. I climbed through the window and went to his room. I stared at shock. The walls were black. The entire room was black, every wall. The ceiling, everything. None of the colors were left. The white walls Eddie created were gone. Just black.

I tried to ignore the unnervingness of black walls as I saw the drawers were upturned. How could I put it back? I pondered about it.

Thats when I heard the door open. I froze. Footsteps traveled up the stairs. I couldn't move, panic made me freeze.

Alex walked into his room, me standing next to his bed holding his notebook. I wanted to disappear. Alex tensed when he saw me.

"What are you doing here?" He asked in a quiet angry voice.

"I just-I-" I had nothing to say. I was shaking.

"What ruining my room wasn't enough? What the actual fuck are you doing here?" He then saw the notebook. His eyes narrowed. He looked furious. "Did you read that? Give me that! You fucking asshole! Thats private! Why would you do that?! Don't I deserve some privacy or are you bent on destroying my whole life?!" He snatched it out of my hand.

"I- I'm sorry. I was returning it. I didn't mean to. I-" His face made me shut up. "Are you really going to kill yourself?" I couldn't stop the question. The second I blurted it out I regretted it.

"How much of it did you read? Oh god, did Drew read this?" He leaned against the black wall and closed his eyes.

"No! He didn't! I wouldn't show him it! I only read until the body burning thing. Don't kill yourself." I finished weakly.

His eyes snapped open. "Of course not! You'd completely break into my house twice and steal a journal that says its private but of course I should trust you not to show it to Drew! Don't fucking tell me what to do! It's my life! Go away!" He screamed. "Go away! Don't ever come back here! Don't talk to me!" His body was completely tense.

I was terrified. "I'm so so sorry." I said, I had to make it up. I read it. I broke into his house. I was horrible. I had to fix this. "Alex you can talk to me. Why do you want to die?"

"Why are you still here?" He asked weakly, a huge contrast from his screams.

"Maybe I can help! Talk to me! I can't let you kill yourself. What happened with Drew?"

"You're still here for fucking gossip?" He said, a smirk coming up. "You know what, I don't care. Drew can destroy my room and my house and everything. When your jerk of a friend was new here, before you decided to be his slave, oh sorry, friend, he was my best friend. I was learning that hey, I'm into guys more than girls at that time. I told my best friend. He said he felt the same way. I thought we'd be fucking happy together god damn it. But then his mother died. Did you know that when he gets sad he tends not to eat? I was the only person who could get him to eat. I helped him. We were making out one day, I must have been like 14 years old. His father came in and went crazy. My son can't be gay and all that. And do you know what happened then? I could have helped him! We could have found a way to escape his father's violence. But no. He decided being an asshole as well as well as your friend! I don't care! Go away!" He ended and sat down on his bed, leaning his head on his knees.

"What do you want?" he asked.

I sat down next to him. I couldn't explain what I felt. He wasn't a stranger anymore. I wanted to know him. To be everything Drew wasn't. I gently put my arm around him, hoping to be consoling. He jumped. I had no idea what would happen.

He yanked my arm off powerfully. "What the fuck are you doing?"

"I was trying to be consoling?" I asked, smiling in hopes of making him smile. He didn't. He glared at me.

"Get. Off. My. Bed." He said pointedly.

I stood and backed up until I hit his drawers. The bottle of pills toppled to the floor. I managed to catch it (being so clumsy things fall around you all the time has its perks I guess).

I placed it on the drawers. I was curious about the pills, but knew better than to ask. He rolled his eyes.

"Depression, suicidal thoughts, and anxiety. I'm marvelously fucked up." He muttered, answering my silent question. "Now when are you leaving?"

He seemed a lot less warriorish, as if he'd given up on getting me out and was just waiting for me to leave. I stood awkwardly. I didn't expect this to happen. What was I supposed to do? What if I left and he killed himself? I could not forgive myself if that happened.

Suddenly I heard footsteps climbing up the stairs. Alex tensed up. The door opened and a middle aged woman peeked out and gave me a surprised smile. "Hello sweetie, who's your friend?"

Alex rolled his eyes. "Hey Mom. This is Jack. He was just leaving."

"Hello Jack." I gave her a small awkward smile. "How are you feeling Alex?"

"Never been better. Can you go now?"

His mom laughed and said "Tactful. I'll bring up cookies." Alex was about to speak when she closed the door.

"Your mom seems great." I said. My mom couldn't care less what I did as long as it didn't include her or cause her trouble.

"Whatever. Can you please go away? I'm serious now."

"Ok. I'm just worried about you. We're not friends and I don't know you and I get that I've been an asshole and being passive is worse than evil." He frowned at the reference from his notebook. "But I would like to know you more. I'm so so sorry. I hope you can fix up your room. I don't want you to die. Live for your mom. Live for anyone. Just don't die! Not in two days." Alex froze.

"I'll do whatever I want."

"Fine then I'm not leaving until you promise." He sighed.

"I could just promise and then do it." He muttered.

"Well don't." I grabbed a pen from his desk, even with his eyebrow raise and scrawled my number on his hand. "Call me if you feel like that. I'm here."

With that I walked out, taking one of his mom's cookies on the way out. They tasted dreadful but amazing considered my mom hadn't baked for years. I started walking towards home. I knew I had to help Alex.

About 30 seconds after I left his house my phone rang. With a smile I answered it and heard Alex's voice.

That was the beginning of the friendship, that became the love of my life.