The Enigma’s Anomaly

I’m not going to lie to you, never in my life have I ever slept with someone without having sex. I’ve never spooned unless I’d also fucked so that makes last night pretty peculiar.

I didn’t have sex with Gerard, and I didn’t care that I didn’t either. He was just so warm and I didn’t want to leave so I stayed over. His body is like an envelope of warmth against me that I would normally find uncomfortable, but I don’t. I find it pretty relaxing actually and I don’t feel like ever getting out of bed again.

I feel like a teenager with their first love. I just feel so calm when he’s around me and it’s unlike any feeling I’ve ever experienced before.

When I do wake up my face is pressed against the side of his shoulder with my head mostly on the pillow. Gerard’s still sleeping and he looks so precious in this state. His chest is rising slowly and his face is purely tranquil.

It’s late in the morning and I can hear the sound of both cars and birds from the window, though the curtains are drawn so I can’t see out. I hear the quiet sound of his breathing as well and soon find my own exhales to match his.

He’s so pretty that no words do him justice. I watch him for little while and I honestly don’t get bored of him. I take everything in about him. His fingers are dry and color stained from drawing, his roots are showing slightly at the top of his head and there’s a very small, hardly noticeable, tint of red to his pillow from hair dye rubbing off. I keep constantly reminding myself that this is real and that I’m really here. Gerard is lying there next to me and I couldn’t ask for a more amazing moment then this.

I watch him as he slowly transitions into being awake and my body feels honored to witness it. He squirms carefully in the webbing of blankets until his eyes flicker open drowsily.

He mumbles something that sounds like my name and smiles when he sees me.

“Morning,” I whisper.

“Mm, morning,” he says and yawns. “So if your presence is anything to go by then I guess this means that I didn’t just have a really great dream last night?”

“I guess so,” I answer. No way did he dream about dating me. Me? Why would anyone dream about me? Did he dream about kissing me the way that I’ve dreamt about kissing him? If so then he’s got a lot more self-control than I do.

“What time is it?” Gerard asks and he grabs a pillow to hide his face. He looks so cuddly when he’s hiding and I honestly can’t tolerate how happy I am. He’s like a giant teddy bear. I just really want to hug him all the time.

I was going to murder him. I was actually going to murder this guy and now I’m in his bed. This is unreal. It’s so magical to be near him right now. I feel like it’s magical to be near him at any time. I’m going crazy being around him, but I’m okay with it.

“It’s like noon or something,” I answer him.

“I’m tired,” Gerard groans, and I smirk. I pull the pillow away and look down at him. He frowns up at me with tired looking eyes.

“Hi,” I say.

“You’re cute,” he says.

“Shut up.”

It starts to sink in again that I was going to kill this guy. I’ve killed so many people and for so little. I’m a murderer. A heartless murderer. I’ve killed other peoples Gerard’s. The way I feel about Gerard is the way someone probably felt about someone I killed, but I didn’t even consider that. I just shot.

My face must give away the epiphany because Gerard looks concerned and asks me if something is wrong.

“Um, I’m not sure,” I say.

“Is- is it me?” he asks looking dejected.

“No. No, not at all, I’m just thinking,” I reply, “...Gerard, I really like the person I am when I’m with you.”

“What do you mean?”

“I keep weaving in and out through so many different personalities, putting on masks and reciting stale dialogue, but I feel like I’m actually myself when I’m with you. For so long it’s felt like I’ve been drowning with only a straw to breathe through, but I’m not just treading water with you. I’m actually swimming. I’m actually breathing.”

He looks alarmed but blushes, “me?”

“Yeah. And I don’t know if you feel the same, and I don’t know if that matters, because what really matters here is that it’s becoming clear to me what kind of a person I am, and what kind of a person I have to be.”

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you how much you matter to me,” he whispers.

“Actually I’m fairly sure I would,” I say seriously. “I have to go.”

“What? Why?” He asks as I abruptly sit up and start to compose myself.

“I think I’ve finally figured out what I’m going to do, Gerard,” I say, “and it’s thanks to you that I’m capable of finally seeing what needs to be done.”

“Um, you’re welcome?” he answers, and I turn to him to give him a reassuring grin.

“You’re coming back though right?” he asks. “You’re not going to run away for two weeks and make me think I’m never going to see you again?”

“No, I’ll see you soon. Hopefully tonight or tomorrow, there’s just... there’s something I need to do. I need to take care of something.”

I walk out of his room quickly and pace towards the door. I feel adrenaline pumping through me, but I’m not sure if it’s from fear or eagerness. I do know what I have to do now, I wasn’t lying, it’s just that I’m afraid to do it. I’ve never taken such a huge step in my life, but this will go down in the record books.

I see Gerard sketchbook lying open on the kitchen counter and look down at it. There’s a dark haired man, who I recognize to be his villain, looking evilly at nothing with a gun in his hand, and it only reaffirms what I have to do.

I have to be someone Gerard can be seen with. As I am now, I’m no better than the villain in his comic book, and I know I can never be the hero, but I can at least be human. I’ve been a monster for a long time now, and it’s time to let that person go.

When I get home I do a little makeover. I wait out until the night falls several hours later and then I tear apart the hidden compartment in the floorboard. I grab the contents and shove everything into a box. Thankfully I live right next to a pier so I walk out of my apartment and down the street a little ways. For a long time I just stand on the dock looking up at the starless night.

I know this is a spur of the moment decision. I know that this is all because of Gerard. I know that I wouldn’t be doing this if it weren’t for yesterday. I know I’ll probably regret this, but I have to.

I can’t be an assassin. Not when I’ve seen what it’s like on the other side of the gun. I’ve seen the fear and I’ve felt the fear first hand and I can’t do that anymore. I may not stay with Gerard forever. I may just be experiencing puppy love, though I highly doubt it. I believe with all my heart that I want Gerard, but I can never be positive of that. What I am sure of though is that I’ve made other people feel this panic. I’ve made other feel this dread of having loved ones killed, and I can’t do that anymore.

Gerard is so special and the people I killed before I tried to hurt him could’ve all been this special. To someone they probably were. If this tiny little ray of love that I feel is anything compared to the years others gave those victims then I can’t fathom the hurt I’ve put the deceased’s families through. I’ve probably ripped out hundreds of hearts and didn’t bat an eyelash.

I know I’m being stupid and reckless, but I also know deep down that this is right. Having Gerard and being an assassin are to things that cannot coincide in my life. They’re not compatible with each other. I have to give up one for the other and I’m certainly in no place to turn Gerard away.

No, I’m doing the right thing. It may sting a little at first, but my reward is Gerard and that more than compensates.

If I can’t kill Gerard then I have no business killing anyone else. If I get to call Gerard my boyfriend then I can’t be a killer.

“For Gerard,” I say, and I drop the box down into the pier. My life’s work. Dead victim profiles, guns, bullets, and everything else. I watch the murky contents of the ocean swallow my collection. My heart feels a little pained because of how much hard work I’ve put into this job, but the rest of me is rejoicing.

I am no longer an assassin. I watch the personality of The Enigma sink below the surface leaving a trail of bubbles on the surface of the water. The part of me that lives in those guns dies with them as they drop, and for the first time I feel like Frank again.

This is my new beginning. This is my reawakening as an actual human again, and thanks to Gerard, I think I might just be able to do this.