The Enigma’s Anomaly

“So they’re letting Mikey out of jail,” Gerard says, hanging up the phone.

“That’s great!” I say.

“I think so,” he says, but there’s something else there. Something is wrong that I’m not picking up on.

“That’s the best news I’ve heard all year Gerard, what could you possibly be upset about?”

“Officer Roland. He’s dead. Dead, Frank! He had answers. He was the only lead we had, and he’s gone. He could’ve told us what he knew, he was an asset, and now he’s just dead.”

I frown, “but Mikey’s okay. Gerard think about it this way, if we hadn’t gone to that office today Mikey’s life would still be in danger. If we hadn’t been interrogated and held at the station for however many hours then one or both of us might have been suspects in this guy’s murder. Today is a good day, Gerard. It’s a triumph not a loss.”

“You say that but look at what they’ve done Frank. Look at what they’ve done. They tried to kill you. They tried to kill me. Everyone is being put at risk by all this shit and it’s my fucking fault!”

“You can’t blame yours-”

“I can blame myself, and I do! This is all my fault. Whatever I’ve done, whoever I’ve pissed off it’s ripping a hole in my life, and everyone who I love!” he raises his voice looking at me pleadingly. I don’t know what he wants from me, I want him to understand that this isn’t his fault. There’s nothing he could’ve done that would deserve this type of wrath. Nothing. He may have done something bad, but no one deserves this.

“Gerard, stop it,” I say shortly, “you’re hot-headed and rash right now.”

“Don’t you get it? This is all because of me. If I had just been fucking killed that first time like I was meant to than none of this would have happened. None of this! Okay, none of this shit would’ve happened. If I were just dead then everyone would be so much better off, Frank.”

“Don’t you dare say that!” I yell back at him, “Don’t you dare fucking say we’d be better off without you.”

“You would!”

“Damn it. I love you, Gerard, and hearing you say that is ripping my heart out!”

He replies with his voice cold and scared, “Why didn’t he just shoot fucking straight Frank? That day two months ago, why didn’t that first assassin just shoot straight?”

“Gerard,” I plead with him.

“I wouldn’t have been a target anymore. I wouldn’t have put Mikey in danger, or you, and everything would all have been so much better if I’d just died. If I died now than no one would be out there right now trying to kill me.”

“Please, Ger-“

“Why didn’t he just fucking shoot straight Frank?” he says raising his voice. “Why couldn’t I have never met you, and never put you in fucking danger! Why couldn’t I have died that day and kept Mikey safe? I just want to keep Mikey safe, and you safe but I can’t do that, because I’m just in everybody’s fucking way.”

I actually feel myself crying now and I just want him to stop talking. Stop blaming himself, and just stop.

Gerard looks down at his hands and his head looks heavy on his shoulders like he’s trying not to fall down.

In a whisper he says again, “why couldn’t he just shoot straight?”

Gerard looks up at me and his eyes make stiff contact with mine, “why didn’t you just shoot straight, Frankie?”

My mouth dries instantly and my heart stops.

“What did you just say?” I ask him, and every syllable is hard to back up with sound.

“Why couldn’t you have just killed me Frank? Everything would be so much better off. You’d be safe. Mikey would be safe. You wouldn’t have been dragged anymore into this,” he says calmer than I could have ever thought possible for a statement of that nature.

“Gerard?” I say trying to think, or just concentrate. Anything, really. How could he...? How does he? He’s not guessing though, or asking, he’s just stating. As if it’s something we had talked about earlier. He seems so calm about it, how is he so calm? I’m not calm, how is he? I’m dying. Literally exploding, and there he is looking like he just told me the weather report.

“I don’t want to be dead, Frank, but I don’t want you or Mikes to be either. I would rather die myself then see you dead and it looks like we’re all going to be.”

“Gerard,” I say again trying to find the right sentence. It all seems so surreal. When I pictured him finding out I thought it’d include a lot of yelling, maybe some throwing of cutlery and china. I expected police sirens and crying. Gerard doesn’t even look scared. What’s going on?

“How d-did you find out?” I ask feeling empty.

“What?” he looks totally baffled, “now’s not the time for that Frank.”

“Like hell it isn’t!” I say finding my voice again, “Why aren’t you mad? Or scared? How long have you known? How did you find out? Most importantly, if you know what I am then why do you still love me?”

“Because I do, Frank,” Gerard replies, “It’s not something that can just be helped. I love you and there’s nothing you can do about that.”

“I love you to Gerard, but I need answers. Tell me how you found out.”

He shakes his head, “Frank, I have to die so that no one will hurt you, or Mikey.”

“Gerard I won’t let anyone touch you, okay? I won’t let anyone hurt you ever. I wouldn’t let anyone do that. Not to you. I love you too Gerard, but right now I want to fucking hit you for being so stupid. It’s not your fault, it’s mine!”

“You were doing your job, how is it your fault?” Gerard says, and I can’t stand how he’s still ignoring my questions.

I pause for a moment and get what’s bothering me out of my way before continuing, “You know that I love you though? You know that I wouldn’t hurt you. Not now that I know you, and I’ve invested in your personality. I may have shot at you, but I love you and it’s vital that you know that.”

“Of course I know Frank,” he shrugs it off easily, “but it doesn’t change the fact that someone wants you dead. I could never live with the knowledge that it’s my fault you died. I can barely live with the fact of knowing that you almost died.”

“How long have you known then?”

He groans, and sounds annoyed when he says, “about a week Frank. You knew too much about assassins. It was always in the back of my mind, but I didn’t believe it until I just sort of knew.”

“But how could you be sure?”

“You sent that note Frank,” Gerard says, “the one with the handwriting. I know you did. You’ve been trying to keep me alive, and it turned the tables on you when they tried to have you killed.”

“But how?” I repeat still not understanding. There’s so many different topics at hand that I can’t even sort it out in my head.

“Two different assassins Frank. The first one gave up. Now why would he do that? Then I thought about all the times you could’ve killed me, and I looked at Mikey and I don’t know. I knew you wouldn’t hurt me. I really love you Frank, and I just don’t believe that this could be an act. I don’t want to sound like I’m some expert, because I definitely am not, but you can’t fake this. You can’t fake what’s between us.”

“And you’re okay with what I did? I retired because of you, I really do love you Gerard,” I tell him.

“I have to be okay with what you did. It’s called compromise. You might not like me so much if I told you all my secrets.”

“Gerard, you just accepted that I’m an assassin, I’m pretty sure there’s nothing you could have done that would be worse than my baggage.”

“Maybe not worse, no,” Gerard says, “but I did something really bad. Two things actually, but they’re related.”

“You don’t have to tell me though-“

Gerard interrupts me, “no I will. Just not today. What you’ve done is worse, and I’m not going to deny that, but I do accept it. I really love you, Frank. When you tried to tell me this morning in the kitchen, I was nervous too. I knew I was in love with you, but you basically solidified the fact that you’ve changed and I’m okay with it now. I just don’t want to lose you. Whatever part of you that used to be an assassin, I believe that he’s gone. And if he’s not then I’d rather be with you anyway.”

“Don’t worry, it is behind me,” I say, and this all feels honestly too good to be true.

“Good,” Gerard says with a small smile, “and I want you to know that this doesn’t change anything between us. It changes nothing. I still love you, and I trust you. I shouldn’t but I do.”

“You’re so perfect you know that? I can’t believe you accept this.”

“Well I am pretty amazing. But I love you so much, that it was never really a question. Frank, I lost my virginity to you, and I’d never gotten the chance to say I love you to someone who deserved it as much as you did. Besides, thinking about it, I kind of understand why you did what you did. Money, and we’ve all done terrible things for money,” Gerard says vaguely and doesn’t continue. I don’t ask anymore, but I think he just gave me a hint as to whatever it is that he did. To be perfectly honest, I don’t care. I just really love him, and he accepts me, so there’s nothing else I could care about right now. Apart from the blame he puts on himself.

“But I don’t want you to blame yourself, Gerard. I’ll make you a promise, okay? I promise to never hurt you, ever. I will never harm you, but you need to promise that you won’t sacrifice yourself. Not for me, not for Mikey.”

Gerard sighs, “It would all be so much easier-“

“Gerard, you may think you’d be saving us both, but life would be nothing without you. You add so much color to my life. Granted, that color is mostly red, but I love it anyway,” I say, and it probably isn’t the best time for jokes but I go for it anyway.

“You can say all those things but that doesn’t make it any less my fault,” Gerard says.

“It isn’t. Listen to me, I would break apart if you were to blame yourself. And nothing is going to happen anyway because we are going to catch this son of a bitch, and then everything will be better. Everything will be better, you’ll see. You just have to believe that we’re not outmatched.”

“We aren’t, but we’re in the dark. We don’t know what enemy we’re fighting, but they know. They know everything, Frank. They know my life from head to foot. They know things even before I know things. They knew I loved you before I even did and they used it against me.”

“And we’re going to make them pay for the pain they’ve caused,” I say, “just promise me.”

“I promise. I love you, Frank,” he says, and I hope to god that he’s telling the truth.

“I still don’t understand why.”