The Enigma’s Anomaly

“Did you two have fun fucking each other’s brains out? I hope you realize that there was only a hallway between us, and you may’ve permanently scarred me,” Mikey says as soon as we walk down into the kitchen.

“I knew he was going to hear,” I whisper to myself.

“Let’s pretend I don’t know that you had sex with my brother, okay?” Mikey says.

“You brought it up,” Gerard shrugs.

“So... what do we do now?” Mikey asks. That is a very good question with so many different meanings.

“What do you mean?” Gerard questions.

“Well we’re here, in the middle of nowhere. We’re running away from a guy who’s going to become a senator. All we’re doing is just lounging out. Is that it? Is that our life now? What about Frank and I’s jobs? Friends? Life?”

“Well you weren’t going to have a life if you stayed, Mikes,” Gerard says.

“No, I know that. That’s not my question. My question is what now?”

I don’t know what to say. I’m focusing on getting better and being as near to Gerard as I can get. It’s a little awkward with Mikey right there all the time, but Gerard and I have been through a lot more shit then a pesky sibling.

“God, I wish I didn’t drag you both into this,” Gerard says and he collapses his head onto the kitchen counter.

“You know this isn’t your fault though, Gerard,” I say.

“No? Who does Banks want dead enough that he’s willing to kill everyone who gets in his way? That includes his own partners. He’s ruthless, and he’s coming after me, but he’s going to take everyone down with me.”

“Gerard, really, it is not your fault,” Mikey says.

“You’re my brother Mikey. I don’t want to see you dead, but it’s because of me that someone else wants to see you dead,” Gerard says making harsh eye contact with him then he looks to me, “and you Frank. If I had just never met you...”

I’m starting to get a little annoyed with the way Gerard keeps saying things like that. I love him, and that’s not a choice I made. Why on earth would I have decided to fall in love with someone that I was meant to kill? I wasn’t supposed to fall in love with him, but I did, and he actually thinks I actively decided to? I did not mean for this to go as far as it did with him, but this is my life now.

“That’s bullshit Gerard. If you’d never met me you’d be dead right now,” I say, a little angrily, but I don’t mean to.

“Yeah, he’s right Gerard. You’d have died at that charity dinner if it weren’t for Frank,” Mikey says and I’d almost forgotten that he doesn’t even know. He’s so clueless as to what’s really going on.

Mikey sees this as a former boss of Gerard’s getting mad for him basing a comic book character after him. Mikey sees me as the guy who wrote an article on Gerard and accidentally fell in love with the subject. Mikey sees this as Gerard bringing his boyfriend to a safe house. He doesn’t know anything.

“You just don’t get it though,” Gerard says, looking at me sternly, “no matter what you say, and no matter how you try to swing this, it’s my actions that led to this.”

“You’re not the one who hired the assass-”

“That’s not the point! I did something that was worth hiring assassins over!” Gerard’s starting to raise his voice and I definitely do not like the way it feels on him.

“You made a mistake, Gerard. It doesn’t merit an army of murderers,” I say.

“It doesn’t matter what I did, it’s the fact that it was me that did it. If I hadn’t been such a fucking idiot, then neither of you would be in danger right now, and it would be so much better.”

“Well if you hadn’t then you’d have never met me,” I say. It’s inconsiderate the way he’s disregarding my feelings on the matter. I don’t think it’s his fault, but he’s not listening!

“But that would be so much better!” Gerard says loudly, and it’s like a blow to the face.

“Oh so meeting me, isn’t worth all of this?” I ask, shaking.

Gerard’s eyes widen, “no, that’s not what I meant.”

“Yes it is, it’s exactly what you meant. You think I can’t take this? You think I’d wish, for one second, that I’d rather never having met you? Of course I wouldn’t want that, Gerard! I’ve been through fucking hell, but it’s worth it because I got to have you, but apparently you don’t feel the same way back.”

“Frank-“

“Because you’d rather be dead without ever getting to meet me, because I don’t matter enough to you! Everything would be so much better if only you hadn’t met me.”

“That’s completely out of context!” Gerard yells, defensively.

“Oh yeah? You’ve been saying that over and over. You wish you hadn’t met me, so that you’d never have put me in danger, and you’re making it seem like I don’t even have a say! If you hadn’t met me. Did it ever occur to you that I have a say so too? I have the right to make whatever fucking decision I want, and I chose this path, Gerard. Don’t you dare tell me you wish I hadn’t because this is the decision I’ve made, and I wouldn’t change it.”

“But you’d be alive!”

“No I fucking wouldn’t! I was practically dead before I met you, Gerard. We both know that! There’s nothing, no obstacle, no roadblock, that could ever be put in place to make me stop wanting to be with you! But who am I to have that opinion, it’s only you who’s allowed to look back on decisions. I made the fucking choice to follow beside you, but you keep making it like you dragged me into it.”

I’m not aware of Mikey having backed away and out of the kitchen until I see him running up the stairs two at a time, leaving me and Gerard fuming at each other in the kitchen. It’s just as well, it’s Gerard who’s being an idiot here, not him.

“Right, so I’m the bad guy for wishing you weren’t in danger? That makes a lot of sense,” Gerard spits sarcastically.

“You have every right to think that, but what you don’t have the right to do is spin the scenario like it’s only you who’s had to make tough decisions.”

“I’m not the one who made the stupid decision to stay with a dead man though, Frank!” He screams.

“So now I’m stupid?” I ask in a cold whisper.

“What?” He says, and then he leans back, crossing his arms. “Uh, yes. I mean, you could have walked away. Could’ve... but you didn’t! You put yourself in a place where the only thing that could come from it was danger.”

There’s warning in my voice when I say, “We all do stupid things for love, Gerard.”

“You passed stupid a long time ago. Stupid is leaving your backpack at the park. Stupid is brushing your teeth before eating breakfast. Stupid is not gambling with your own life. That’s just, ugh, why would you do that?”

“I’m sorry, next time I’ll think twice about saving someone’s life. Yours especially. Next time I’ll think twice about following what makes me happy. I’d have been so miserable if I’d just left, Gerard. You’d have been too. And you’re making me out to seem like I jumped to that answer! It took me weeks to decide I wanted to be with you, Gerard. Weeks of weighing out the good and the bad. Your own fucking brother told me to go for it with you, Gerard.”

“But you’re stupid enough to have gotten yourself wrapped into this, Frank! This should’ve been my weight to bear, but you came in and ruined your future as well,” Gerard exasperates.

“Yeah, but I was already in it too deep, Gerard. What did you want me to do, just walk away, and pretend I never knew you? It’s too late for that now!”

“But you didn’t have to put your life in fucking danger! Not for me!” Gerard says.

“It was already too late! I already loved you Gerard, it’s not like I can just back out now. This is happening, and there’s nothing we can do about it,” I say.

“Don’t say that! You can still get out, just walk away, and not look back. I won’t be mad, that would actually be the best thing you could possibly do-”

“Hold on, are you saying you want me to leave? You want me to go? Not only would it not hurt you, it would make you happy? For me to leave? So basically you don’t even love me at all,” I summarize.

“No, that’s not it,” Gerard says looking disgruntled.

“Oh yeah? Telling me to go away, because I’m too stupid to be with you, that’s not what it sounds like, is it?”

“Wait, Frank-”

“No! No, I get it. You never liked me. I’ve been imagining this whole thing, I guess. You could never be with someone so stupid, could you? That’s all I am, isn’t it? Just this stupid guy who was stupid enough to fall in love with you, and stupid enough to get an X on his back, and the most stupid thing of all, I’m stupid enough to think someone like you could ever fall for me. You’re right. I am stupid,” I say, and I don’t even know how to feel. I feel like I’ve been stabbed through the heart or something. Of course Gerard doesn’t love me. How could he possibly love me? I’m an assassin. I’m just an idiot that no one could ever love.

I have been shot in my life. I’ve had a 9mm bullet pierce my skin, graze my vital organs, and I have felt the blood pouring out of me like a waterfall. I have had hospital utensils pulling at the wreckage of blood and a spent bullet still in my body. I have spent hours in a secluded room, struggling with my life, and I have died on an operating table. I have woken up connected to a machine that held my whole life in such a delicate balance, and seen the person I love the most crying over my practically dead body. I have seen the dark that follows life, and yet this is the most agonizing thing that’s ever happened to me. Seeing Gerard looking at me furiously, hearing him say these awful things, this is what really kills me.

I have been shot in my life, but this is what really hurts.

“Frank, no!” Gerard pleads, but it’s too late, I’ve already gotten the message.

“It’s fine, Gerard. You want me out of your life, fine. If that’s what you want, I’ll go,” I say and I turn around to the door and walk into the entryway.

“Frank, where are you going?” Gerard asks, following behind me.

“It’s obvious that neither one of us wants me here. Mikey doesn’t want me here either, so I’m just going to leave,” I tell him, opening the front door.

“What are you going to do, walk back to New York?”

“Well I can’t really do that now, can I, Gerard? You ruined whatever life I could’ve had in New York, so I have to go somewhere else.”

“Oh, so you’re going to blame me for that?” Gerard asks, as I step out into the muggy weather outside.

“Why not? You told me to blame you. You said it was your fault that I’m in danger, and I finally get it. You’re right. You are absolutely right. It is all your fault. I would be safe if it weren’t for you and you’re sick twisted games.”

“Games? You think this is a game for me? That... that I don’t love you?” Gerard asks, sounding hurt.

“Can you blame me, when it’s the truth?” I ask, turning around. He’s standing about fifteen feet away, looking dead in his tracks.

“So I suppose taking you out here with me, to keep you safe, that was because I don’t love you?”

“Guilt, just like everything else you’ve ever shown for me. Just guilt. Why would you tell me I’m a stupid idiot for falling for you if you actually did love me?” I exasperate.

“Alright fine then,” his voice croaks, sounding awful, “Fine then. I don’t love you, because that’s what you think. Go, Frank! I don’t care, do I? After all I don’t love you, so just go, and I’m not going to try to stop you.”

“Fine,” I say turning to leave.

“Fine,” Gerard calls back, but I ignore him, and keep walking. I don’t know where I’m going, just away. I don’t look back, but I feel my heart practically exploding in my chest.

Obviously I love Gerard. I want to go back, and just tell him that, but he said it himself. He doesn’t love me.

That’s why I don’t turn back. That’s why I keep walking, and I don’t even focus on where I’m going. I’m walking along the side of the road, but after a while I start to realize I’ve taken a bunch of turns and I haven’t a clue where I am.

I want Gerard to love me the way I love him. I want him so much that it hurts being away from him after what just happened.

Now the only thing I can do is walk forward, trying to get myself from balling here on the side of the street like I sorely want to.

I’m not that strong though. I give in after half an hour, and I collapse onto the ground. I feel the whole world collapsing around me. Every last good thing that has ever been in the world, is dead now.

I can’t breathe. It’s not even a question that I’ve never cried this much. I put my whole body into it. I can’t think straight, and all I see is a cascade of tears, in this empty place. I’m all alone in the middle of a goddamn forest with nothing but trees, and the emptiness of having no Gerard.

I didn’t even know it was possible to make yourself puke just by crying, but evidently it is. I’m surprised I even have anything left inside of me, because it all just feels like mush. Gerard stomped it all out, leaving me hollow. Everything is just shit around me, nothing matters.

Why did he have to blame himself? Why couldn’t he just see that I loved him? Why do I have to love him in the first place?