The Enigma’s Anomaly

It’s only nine, but it honestly feels like it’s the middle of the night. My body is achingly tired, and I can’t even stand how hard it is to look at Gerard right now. It’s like looking at a ghost. He’s dead, or as good as. It kills me.

I’ve been in his shoes before. I’ve known that I was going to die soon, and I had to accept that and it was painful. The scariest feeling in the world, without a doubt. There’s no terror like the one of knowing that you’re going to die. Just looking back on the thought makes it hard to breathe. I never want to go through that again, but in a lot of ways, what I’m feeling right now is that exact same thing. I‘m not the one who’s going to be dead, but I feel like I am. It hurts just as much, it just doesn’t feel as imminent.

In a lot of ways it feels like its centuries away when it’s only hours. I’m going to be standing in twenty hours in a similar spot, but Gerard is going to be gone. Death is so eternal, and so unfathomable. I don’t know what I believe, but I do know that I’m not going to see Gerard again after tomorrow. I can’t even picture it, it seems so impossible.

Here I am, sure I’d finally found the one. I finally found the one person who I’d put it all away for, and the guy I’d give anything up for. Knowing Gerard he’d never ask me to give up anything, but I’d have done it. I would, and I wouldn’t have looked back.

I was going to have a life with Gerard. I was going to sit with him at that stupid hipster coffee shop, and talk about zombies. I was going to ask him stupid questions sitting and drinking coffee and feel like a hopeless idiot because he’s so perfect. I was going to watch the last Harry Potter film with him in the shelter of his apartment, and kiss him until I forgot about the movie. I was going to hang out with Mikey and be nervous to meet his parents. I was going to move into his place, and I was going to watch him earn awards for his comics. I was going to read the newspaper over his shoulder, and make faces at him. I was going to pick out clothes with him and tell him that a pair of jeans made his ass look nice. I was going to wake up on a Monday morning and groan because I had to go to work, but then I was going to smile because Gerard would be right there beside me. I was going to have stupid fights with him over the dishes. I was going to marry this crazy haired bastard, and I was going to have his future unborn adopted babies. I was going to have him.

All the things I was going to do with him is just a despairing reiteration of what I wanted before I got him, but it’s all so much worse than it was back then. Before all of this, I could daydream and imagine a universe where it was true, and there was always that knowledge that it wasn’t impossible. It’s not possible anymore though. I don’t have a future with him at all.

Gerard paces around the room for a few minutes, opening and closing his mouth like he’s trying to find words.

He finally says something, with a meager little voice, “Frank, I was wondering. Because it’s, like, my last night alive, I mean... would you maybe wanna-”

“No Gerard, because I’m pissed. I just can’t right now. I can’t. No.”

“Fine whatever. I’m just going to be dead tomorrow,” Gerard says, his tone switching from nervous to angry quickly.

“God, like that’s my fault? I hate this more than you do, Gerard! Stop being such a fucking prick about it. I’m not going to fuck you just because you’re going to die tomorrow. That’s not why we have sex in the first place,” I say, feeling myself practically boiling with anger. I don’t know why I’m angry at him. Well, I do actually. He shouldn’t have done what he did. He shouldn’t have taken the phone from me, and sold himself out like that. I was going to do it. I should’ve.

I’m not saying there’s any hope of us to come out on top here, but if there is any chance that we’ll be able to save Mikey, I’m the one who’s going to be able to do it. Gerard can’t hold a gun, and surely Banks will see that. I don’t think I can save Mikey and myself, but I’m more likely to than Gerard is.

“You’re mad at me?” Gerard asks.

“Yes, I’m fucking mad at you. No offense Gerard, but I kind of hate you right now, and there’s no chance in hell I’m going to sleep with you. I’ll probably regret that in like twenty years when you’re fucking dead, but I’m just not going to do it. I can’t, and I won’t.”

“Fine, whatever you want Frank,” Gerard says bitterly.

“What? You’re mad that I won’t put out, when you’re on a goddamn deathbed? Oh well sorry. Next time I won’t be so cruel. Oh wait,” I say sarcastically and Gerard flares his nostrils. There isn’t going to be a next time and we both know that.

“You’re being a jerk about this, Frank. I’m saving your life here. I don’t care what you think, I’ve got more of a reason to take this bullet then you do.”

“Yeah, I’m the jerk. Just completely overlook your own actions. I didn’t ask for a hero, Gerard. I’m not the one who you need to protect.”

“Because everything I do is for you now?” Gerard says.

“Oh please, Gerard. Do not even try to skew this to make me look like the arrogant one. I’m not a child. You’re doing this for selfish reasons, we both know that. You think that this will be the only way for things to work out because you think it’s your fault, like that’s a valid excuse. It’s not, in case you were wondering,” I reply.

“You’re being just as selfish as I am, Frank,” Gerard says.

“But at least I never denied that. I know what I am, Gerard. I’m a horrible fucking human being. I’m a murderer and a thief, and an all-around god-awful example of humanity, but I accept that, and I tried to rectify it. I know that if I were to go there tomorrow and let Banks kill me, that I’ll at least get back some of my soul. So yeah, I am selfish. I’m a bad person either way, but if I were to die tomorrow than that would make it a little better.”

“You’re just... ugh, I think the problem is that you don’t even see any of this, Frank. You’re not seeing it as real. I’m going to die tomorrow, whether you or I or anyone else like it. That’s established, but I’m fine with it. I’ve made my peace with it, and I’m not going to try to pretend it’s not going to happen, because it is. You have to grow up and accept that. You say you’re not a child, yet you behave like one.”

“Yeah so what? So what if I throw a temper tantrum? Huh? I have the right to, you’re going to die, so of course I’m upset! You can say all those words, but that’s all they are, Gerard. Just words. Try to ease my mind as much as you want. Sedate me, console me, give me you’re vacuous blurbs but it doesn’t mean shit. You are going to die. Nothing you say is going to make that better. Nothing you can say is going to make me okay with that. I’m not just okay with that.”

“You have to accept it,” Gerard says.

“No, I don’t. Let me live in denial for now, because the only one getting hurt by it is me. In two days I’m going to be here, and you’re not, and that’s not going to make anything better. It’s all going to be so much worse, because,” My voice cracks, and I can tell I really need to just ball my fucking eyes out, “I’m going to have to walk away from this alone. I stepped into this world by your side, I had someone to guide me through this messed up ordeal, and to hold my hand when things got tough. I’m going to have to live, knowing that you sacrificed yourself for me and your brother, and it’s never going to sit in my stomach the way you want it to. It’s always going to hurt. Always. In a lot of ways, Gerard, you’re dying tomorrow, but it’s me that’s going to be really dead.”

“Don’t say that-”

“Say what? Don’t tell you the truth? Don’t say what you already know. I’m the loser here Gerard. Me and Mikey, no matter what, we lose. We lose you. We lose the world. That’s not a sacrifice anymore that’s just a bomb. You’re death is going to be an explosion and I’m never going to run far enough away from the blast.”

“I’m not trying to be a grenade, Frank. I’m trying to be the white flag,” Gerard says, voice almost as weak as my own was a moment ago.

My strength is renewed though, because I think Gerard is finally seeing what his actions are leading to, “your white flag is just a black one that hasn’t been burned yet.”

“Frank, I... I’m going to die,” Gerard says, sounding so hollow and terrified, making me seriously question the truth behind his statement that he’s made his peace with this. “I’m going to die, and I’m going to die knowing you hate me. I don’t want you to h-hate me. Like, that’s the last thing in the world I want. I don’t want my last thoughts to be that I’m dying for two people who are going to hate me and my memory.”

“I don’t know that there’s anything I can tell you to make you feel better, Gerard, because you’re right. I’m going to resent you for a very long time. Possibly even for forever, and it’s not just something I can pretend isn’t going to happen. I’m going to hate you because of the fact that I’m always going to love you. I don’t want you to have a painful last impression of me, but I’m also not going to lie to you. I will never forgive you for this, and I am not willing to sugarcoat that statement.”

“God,” Gerard says, voice wrecked and agonizing. I watch him collapse onto the bed, face in his hands and I want to comfort him, but the truth is that that’s my future. I can’t do anything to stop it, because I’m going to live it, and I’m not looking forward to that.

Gerard’s just getting started though, that’s going to be the really ugly crying, barely able to breathe, red face, swollen eyes, in just a few minutes.

“I’m going to take a walk, Gerard. I’ll be back later I just can’t be here right now,” I say. I look at Gerard for a few seconds before turning around and walking out of the door. I don’t know where I’m going, and I don’t know why I’m so afraid of being near him right now, but I am, and that’s the truth.

I guess if I’m going to be pitifully honest, I don’t want any of this. I wish I had just killed Gerard that day six months ago. I wish he’d died on the sidewalk that day. Then I wouldn’t have known this life. I wouldn’t have had any of this, I just really wish that none of this had ever happened to me. I don’t want to be in love with Gerard, and I don’t want to give a shit about his little brother. I just wish I’d never met that stupid redhead. I hate caring about what happens to him, because he was only ever meant to be a target. Just a target.

I used to be a skilled assassin. I used to kill people for a living. I was never meant to fall in love with someone I was hired to kill. I was supposed to just kill the guy and get it over with. That was always the case, so why did I keep Gerard Way alive?

Still, I wouldn’t change this. I would never take back meeting Gerard. Not for a million dollars or anything else in the world. I’m glad I did miss that shot because meeting this fucking dork is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.