The Enigma’s Anomaly

I don’t know how I ended up at the only bar in town, and I certainly don’t know how I ended up pickpocketing the cop who sat on the bar stool next to me. I didn’t even think before I did it. I don’t make it a habit of stealing from cops, because of course, that is the singular stupidest thing you could possibly do, but he was right there, and I saw an opportunity. I mean there was just such a glimmer of realization in my head, and I didn’t know what to do with it, so I just did what I had to.

I got in real close to the cop, who’s had a few more beers than I had, and I just reached onto the strap around his waist and I grabbed the pair of handcuffs. It wasn’t my original intention in coming to this bar. I just wanted to, I don’t know, drown my sorrows, but I never got the chance. If you’re going to pickpocket a policeman of all people, you really shouldn’t stick around to watch him make the realization. Don’t pickpocket a cop though, that’s stupid, and I am stupid. I only did it because I’m going to be in hell tomorrow anyway, might as well take my chances. If I were to end up in a holding cell then that would have been just as well because I would’ve been able to stop myself from going after Gerard.

These handcuffs though, I have them. They’re real. Actual handcuffs that you use to restrain people. The cop wasn’t on duty, and I highly doubt he’d ever used his gun before, because he didn’t even have the strap on correctly. It’s not my business though. This isn’t a big town, I wouldn’t be surprised if he’d never used it. He seemed to have a rousing conversation with some of the other people in the bar which only goes to show you just how small this town is. Still, I think it has couple dozen thousand people, so he might just be a regular at that bar. It’s strange, seeing as this is New York or maybe it isn’t. I’ve lost track of the number of different places we’ve been. I’m not sure where we are anymore.

I don’t know much about what’s going on tomorrow. I know the drop is going to take place on the side of the highway, off a little tangent. From there, I guess they intend to take Gerard and let Mikey go. It’s in Banks’ best interest to just let Mikey go after he has Gerard. I think Banks knows that I’ll do anything to get him back if he were to hurt them both, and my skill in the art of messing with people is not lost on him. He must know that I have allies in this because there’s no way I could’ve snuck into his apartment myself.

I don’t know what Banks thinks of me, I highly doubt he knows I’m the Enigma though, because if he did then he’d have told every cop in New York of that. They want me to be in prison, and have for several years. If Banks knew who I was then the leverage would be more so on his end.

So no I have handcuffs and I need to find a way to stop Gerard from going to that meeting tomorrow. It honestly didn’t occur to me until I saw that cop sit next to me. The thought didn’t even have a semblance of floating into my mind until I saw the shining manacles hanging off his improper belt. I guess it was just a split second realization. I didn’t even think about it as I said, so I find myself standing in the humid whether looking at the small circles, which luckily have a key, otherwise it’d be kind of weird.

I don’t know what else to do now that I’ve left the only populated spot in this whole damn town. Or, more accurately, the only populated spot that can be found within a few feet of the hotel. I check my watch and it’s only been about an hour but I head back anyway, because I am feeling pretty tired.

The room is dark when I enter it so I’m worried that Gerard might be asleep already, and I don’t want to wake him, but I also don’t know what to do now. I didn’t think any of this through. For the first time though I feel like I might be able to save him.

Yes, I know that whatever I said to him about leaving me, and being angry forever at what he did will be true of him in return, but I’m selfish. I am selfish but at least I accept it. I was selfish, when I killed people so I would have money to pay rent, I was selfish when I let myself date Gerard, and I’m selfish in letting Banks kill me for Mikey and Gerard’s life, but now that it’s an option, I’ll do it. I won’t hesitate, because I know that I can’t just move on from this point without Gerard. I’ve dived headfirst into a life that I don’t know how to live, and without him I don’t think I can live it at all.

That’s my way of saying that Frank Iero was dead until he met Gerard Way, and when he met Gerard Way, he killed The Enigma. Without Gerard, I’ll just be The Enigma again. I don’t think I have the strength to really be Frank anymore without Gerard, which is hopelessly codependent of me, but it’s true. If I let Gerard die tomorrow, I’m never going to be Frank again. If I let Gerard die, I’m not going to care anymore. I’d be an assassin again, without hesitation, because I only put that part of me to rest for Gerard. I don’t think it’ll be as hard to kill people after Gerard’s dead, because it’s kind of like my only real link left to humanity would be gone, and there would be nothing keeping me from going off the deep end. Like Dr. Manhattan, there’s really nothing I want from earth other than that one person.

That’s why I’m selfish, but in a lot of ways I think that’s why I’m selfless. I know who I am, and I know what I’ll become without Gerard there to stop me like he did six months ago. I don’t want to be that person anymore, but the heartbreak of losing Gerard would make that the only path left I could take. It’s true, I think that I’d be a monster. I think it would be easy to get over Gerard’s death in that character of mine, because there simply is no human attachment to anyone when I’m The Enigma. I’m just a flame, and I just destroy. That’s all a person of my past can ever really do. I thought I was doing so well, getting away from that, but I haven’t gotten away from it at all. I’ve just masked it with Gerard.

“Gerard?” I whisper, “You awake?”

I hear a mumbling of something nonsensical and then Gerard says, “Frankie?”

I smile knowing that he’s still up, but I don’t know why. I think I just want to talk to him, or something. I miss him already, and I don’t want to.

I set the silver cuffs on the floor, near the edge of the bed, hidden enough by the edge for them to be unnoticeable. It’s dark though, and Gerard’s on the other side so I doubt he’d see them anyway.

“Frank,” he mumbles again, and I pull my shirt and pants off but I don’t bother to do anything else before I just climb in, and grab ahold of Gerard. I never want to let him go again. I wish I could stop the world and make everything freeze so I could stay snuggled up with Gerard for the rest of my life. If I could, then I wouldn’t have anything to worry about. I’d just let us be together forever, but it would still prolong the inevitable. Even Amy Pond couldn’t run away from her responsibilities forever, and I know I wouldn’t be able to either. I wish I could just fly away with Gerard in a big blue box forever though. I could see the entire universe, inside and out, from one end to another, but it still wouldn’t dazzle me as much as one second I spend with Gerard.

“I’m going to miss you more than I’m going to hate you, Gerard,” I say, feeling him relax a little when I get into bed beside him. His back is to me, but I wrap my arms around him so that he is still as close as possible in every way. I used to really hate cuddling when I was younger, or maybe it was just the people I tried cuddling with. It was hot, and sweaty, and completely uncomfortable. There was always that one limb that fell asleep and it would be anything but intimate. This is Gerard though. I’ve known for a very long time that Gerard is a complete inconsistency in my data set. An anomaly, if you will, wherein everything that I know about the world is completely and utterly invalid, because Gerard is not any other human being. Gerard is Gerard, and he doesn’t fit any set of knowledge I could ever have known.

“I don’t want you to hate me when I love you so much,” he says.

“But that’s not something I can control. It sucks, but I told you what I believe to be the truth,” I say, leaving out the part where Gerard dying would kill more than just him.

“You should never have been dragged into this. I know that you’re going to say something like the fact that you’re glad you were, but the song remains the same. I shouldn’t have ever let it come to this, and I’m sorry that it’s so hard on you,” Gerard says.

“I know you are.”

“You should know. I really would do anything to mean this wouldn’t hurt you, but I can’t. I wish I meant nothing to you so that it couldn’t hurt you but-”

“But you mean everything to me, and that’s not in your control to decide.”

“I’m sorry though, for tomorrow. I want to find another way, but I’ve known for a while now that this was how it was going to end. It always had to come to this.”

“A surrender?”

“I guess. I just knew that in the end, my cowardliness would be the death of me, and it is. It’s going to get me killed.”

“I don’t think you’re a coward, Gerard. I think you’re very brave,” I say stroking my hand through his hair. I’m trying to memorize the feel of him, the scent of him. I want to remember what it feels like to be held by him and to hold him because one way or another I don’t think I’ll get the chance again.

“You will move on though, won’t you? You’ll find someone to replace me and-”

“I could never replace you,” I say.

Gerard sighs, “You know what I mean. You’ll find someone though, right? I don’t want you to be single forever just because I’m gone. I want you to move on and remember me, because I don’t... I don’t want to ruin anybody’s life. Especially yours. I get that it’ll hurt for some time, but I want you to grow from this and find someone. I hope you won’t love him as much as me, but I can’t stop you if you do.”

“Would you though? If you were in my shoes, would you be able to move on?” I ask.

“I suppose the proper answer would be yes, wouldn’t it? I’m supposed to say that I’d find someone who I could truly be with that wasn’t you, and I’d always live in your memory, but the truth is that I’m a bit of a hypocrite. I don’t think I could, it would be too hard.”

“So how do you expect me to do the same?” I ask him.

“Well I guess I’m just hoping. Who knows, Frank? Maybe I’m just a stepping stone. Maybe all of this is the buildup to when you really meet your soul mate. Maybe I’m just another brick in the road, a brick that’s a little more important than all the others, granted, but still just a brick.”

“You’re not a step on a staircase leading to my destiny, you’re the top floor. Banks was a step, he hired me to kill you and he brought me one step closer to you, but he was still just a step, he was a brick. He laid out the foundation, but it was you that solidified the whole deal.”

“I’m going to hope no matter what, Frank. I don’t know what comes next, but I’m going to hope you move on from me, because that’s the only thing that’s going to give me peace,” Gerard says.

It takes me several minutes to find the right words to say, but when I finally do, they’re rather grim. In that silence, the only thing to be heard is Gerard’s breathing in and out, because my air is all but gone from my lungs already.

“I dreamt about burying you, Gerard. Seeing you in a coffin, but never like this. That was months ago, when I watched you from a rooftop and saw your bright red hair and thought about the way that your hair would match your blood. I’d thought you were beautiful the first moment I saw you. I even tried to make it a point to shoot you in the chest rather than the head, because I didn’t want to ruin your pretty face. I guess it was stupid of me, but I really cared, even back then. I couldn’t explain it to you if I tried, but there was no way for me to pinpoint exactly why I didn’t want to kill you. At first, I think it was just because I thought you are insanely gorgeous, but I think it’s more so because a part of me always knew. A part of me missed on purpose that day, because I just knew you were gonna mean something to me someday. I guess, I don’t know, I’m probably romanticizing it, but I can’t help but think that something kept me from shooting you when I had so many opportunities. Who I was, The Enigma, he melted away and in his place I found myself again, which was amazing because I thought I was gone forever. I wasn’t though, I was just waiting for you.”

Gerard turns slowly in his place to look at me, and our noses brush. It’s dark so I can’t really see him, but I do see the whites of his eyes, bright against the dark room.

“You know I love you, right? You know I’d do anything for you, and in fact will?”

I nod slowly, and the only indication that I do so is the sound it makes against the pillow.

“Well I just want you to know that you are not what you’ve done, you’re Frank. You’ve done some bad things, but I love every part of you despite that.”

“I hope so,” I say dryly.

“It’s true. Whatever I do tomorrow, remember that it’s because I love you.”

“Same,” I say, but quiet enough so that Gerard can’t hear.

~*~*~*~

“What the fuck?” Gerard says, and I gulp, because here it is. It was inevitable, but it’s still painful to hear.

“I’m sorry, Gerard,” I say honestly.

“Frank what did you do?” Gerard asks angrily.

“I did what I had to do. I have to protect you,” I reply, turning around to look at him. His eyebrows, a dark brown in contrast to the red of his hair, are creased together. It may sound whimsical, or it may not, but I handcuffed him to the headboard. Just the one hand, because I didn’t know how long he’d be there, and I don’t want him to end up having to piss himself. It’s not like pissing in a water bottle is much better, but it’s better than actually pissing oneself.

“Frank! You are going to unlock me,” Gerard states, like it’s a fact.

“I’m not actually. I can’t. I have to go meet Banks.”

“What? And do what? He’s expecting me!” Gerard says.

“Well he’s not likely to complain much if I go in your place. I have to do this, Gerard,” I say bluntly, getting my other shoe on. I look at Gerard, struggling at the restraints doggedly, and I wish I could just unlock him, but that would defeat the purpose. I’ve pushed the bedside table far enough away so that he won’t be able to pick the lock with anything, hopefully, but I doubt he could anyway. It’s not his area of expertise.

“Please tell me you’re kidding!” Gerard shouts.

“No, I’m sorry, but I’m not,” I say, and Gerard kicks the bed under him desperately.

“Frank, you fucking asshole. I’m not going to let you-”

“But unfortunately you have no choice,” I say. “Please stop resisting, Gerard, you’re only going to hurt your wrist.”

“I damn will resist, Frank, you’ve locked me to a headboard! A fucking headboard. Let me out!”

“No!” I say, and frown at him as he takes his free hand and desperately pulls at the steel against his wrist. “They’re real, Gerard. You’re not getting out that easily.”

“Then fucking let me out!” Gerard begs, “This is life and death, Frank. Do you really understand that? You’re going to die unless you let me out!”

“Why do you think I put you there in the first place?”

“Frank, I’ll fucking kill you when I get out of these.”

“I think Banks will do that for you,” I say blandly.

“Frank!” He half pleads half screams.

“I have the key here,” I show it to him, “I’ll leave it in the car, and tell Mikey to unlock you when he gets here. He knows our strategy for if we ever got separated so it will lead him here to you, okay?”

“Frank,” Gerard says warningly, “unlock me.”

I ignore him, and go on, “my friend Conte is going to be tracking my phone, I’ll call him and then keep the phone on so you’ll know where to find Banks and call the police, but it’s probably not going to be a live trace. That’s nearly impossible for him to do with his limited resources, so with the delay it’ll be about an hour behind. He’ll call you with the location as soon as he possibly can, and then you call the police to get Banks arrested.”

“Frank,” he screeches as I walk over to the door and grab the handle.

“From there it’s up to you to get Banks behind bars. I trust that you can do it. Just do what I’ve told you, and it’ll be fine.”

In positively the most desperate, guttural plea that I’ve ever heard, Gerard says my name again.

“I’m not going to see you again, Gerard. You’ll see me, probably. I won’t be in the best of states, probably a bit dinged up, but what can you do?” I say rhetorically, “I’m sorry for everything I’ve put you through. Gerard, I doubt you’ll ever forget me, but everything that I’d say to you was said by you last night.”

“Please. I’ll do anything. I’ll do anything for you to unlock me. Please!” He screams.

“And I’m sure you would. Since this is the last thing you’re probably ever going to hear me say, I tried to rehearse it, but it felt so unnatural to me. These are my last words that will ever be heard by someone who matters and I didn’t want it to sound staged. I guess I’m just glad I met you. I love you, I want that to be something you remember me saying. I hope you the best with the rest of your life. It’s a hope for me that maybe you’ll consider drawing me into one of your comics, but if you don’t then it’s just as well, because I’m never going to know. I want to say something memorable, but memorable has never really been my forte. I’m glad that I was so blessed as to have met you and to have been loved by you, because that’s the biggest feat to my name.”

“No. Please, no.”

I sigh, “I guess just... remember me, kay? Remember who I was, and remember me at my best.”

I open the door despite Gerard’s protesting and then close it behind me, hearing a faint noise that is Gerard on the other side. The noise isn’t that loud though so I doubt anyone will pay any attention to it. I look at the door, behind it is the only person I’ve ever truly loved, and my heart breaks into a million pieces, because that’s the last I’m ever going to see of him. I’ll never look at him again.

I breathe deeply, but the air doesn’t seem to fill my lungs. I’ve made my choice though.

I turn the sign on the door to say ‘do not disturb,’ and then I walk down the hall.