Why Me?

I was a nervous wreck last lesson. I couldn’t stop thinking about the note Vic gave me. What was he planning on doing to me? I couldn’t bear to think about it. I completely zoned out whilst the teacher was talking, which was a shame because Music was about the only lesson I actually cared about.

I thought about just bailing on him. Sure, I would get a heck load of shit tomorrow, but I’d deal with that when it came.

One thing everyone should know about me; I’m a massive procrastinator. I would use every excuse under the sun to put things off until the last minute, which usually landed me in quite a few detentions due to late homework.

Ugh, god, not the H word. Seriously, the teachers drove me up the wall with that one. What gives them the right to force us through 6 hours of hell every day, and then send us home, which is meant to be our free, alone time, and force us to solve more fucking equations? As far as I’m concerned, those equations can suck my dick, cause like hell I’m gonna waste my time on them. Hey, maths teacher, newsflash! Some of us have fucking social lives!

Well, not me, but that’s not the point.

Oh crap, that ‘newsflash’ shit sounded sassy as fuck. Here comes my inner gayness! I’ll be skipping around daisy fields with pink unicorns and dancing with leprechauns soon, I just know it. I think that’s what the stereotype does, anyway.

Seriously, I may be gay, but half the people in this school think that means I puke rainbows or some shit like that. The other half are convinced that I walk round kidnapping and anal raping every guy I meet.

Oh, look at that! I managed to successfully divert my attention from Vic with dancing unicorns. What is my life.

By the time the bell went, I still hadn’t made a choice. Do I meet Vic? Or do I run away?
I decided to just go get my things from my locker. I was gonna put this decision off for as long as humanly possible. To be perfectly honest, I was kinda hoping that I’d develop sudden super powers and travel to the future or something. Very realistic thinking.

I walked out of school slowly, earphones shoved deep in my ears and my iPod on full blast. Suicide Silence was playing and I let myself get lost in Mitch’s amazing vocals. Too bad he died; he was such an amazing guy.

“Turn that shit down, fag, I don’t wanna hear it!” Some guy sneered, shoving me roughly into the wall. I wasn’t in the mood.

Spinning around, I flipped him off. “I’ll listen to whatever I want, fuck face, and you can’t stop me!”
Me and my big mouth. Why couldn’t I just shut up? I may want to die, but why was I going around trying to be killed by everyone in school?

The guy, I think his name was Austin, clenched his jaw. Next thing I know, I was ducking a punch and sprinting out of school as fast as my legs would carry me. I didn’t stop until I was just outside my house, clutching my stomach and panting uncontrollably.

Well, I guess that was my mind made up about meeting Vic then. I cautiously made my way into the house, successfully managing to avoid Brian on the way to my room. Collapsing on my bed, I let out a weary sigh.

What to do, what to do, what to do . . .

I was so fucking bored right now. I couldn’t even get my laptop and search the web, because stupid Brian had “borrowed” it for “work.” Which meant that he was gonna watch a whole load of porn and then smash it or something.

Meh, who cares? Not me. I didn’t care about anything. Not family, not friends, not school, not even myself.

I guess the whole ‘not caring’ thing runs in the family. My mum certainly didn’t care when she killed herself, stating in her suicide note that she’d be “glad to be rid of me.”

Familiar tears stung at my eyes, as they did whenever I thought about my mum. Was I really such a horrible child? Did she really hate me that much?

Nope, stop right there Kellin. You don’t care, remember? You couldn’t care less that your mum hated you, it doesn’t bother you that the whole rest of your family hates you, and you certainly don’t give a damn that the entire fucking world hates you. Beyond caring.

Ah, who the hell am I kidding? Of course I cared.

You don’t fucking care! Okay? When will that drill into that tiny fucking brain of yours?!

It never will, because I do care!

No you FUCKING don’t! Stop lying to yourself it won’t do you any favours.

Just shut up, okay?

Not until you realise that nothing in this world bothers you.

My mind was at war with itself, once again. I hated this. I hated myself. Why couldn’t I have a normal functioning brain, like everyone else on this god damn planet? I was on the verge of a panic attack; I was shaking, and my breathing was getting quicker. I needed a release, and quickly.

Fumbling a bit, I reached in my draw and pulled out my only friend – my blade.

I hacked at my wrists, relishing the cold metal on my warm skin. Blood dripped over my bed, and I smiled. This felt so good.

My mind had been calmed down, but I didn’t stop there. No, I carried on slashing. All I could see was red. My sheets were soaked in blood.

Too deep.

Oh well. I’d live. Probably. To be honest, I couldn’t give fewer shits whether I lived or not. What was the point in caring if no-one else did?

lying down on my bed, I admired the blood dripping onto my sheets. It was so beautiful.
I laughed at the irony. The things I found the most beautiful, such as my precious collection of blades, were also the things that were slowly killing me.

It was with those thoughts in mind that I slowly blacked out.

*The morning*

I woke with a start. Well, that fucking sucks. I guess I didn’t bleed to death in the night after all.

Meh, I could just do it another day. It’s not like I had anything else to look forward to in my life.
I sat up and immediately felt light-headed. Whoa, what’s up with that?

Twisting my arm, I inspected the fresh cuts on my wrist. They were pretty fucking deep, and stung like hell when I brushed my fingers against them. But all that just gave me a sense of satisfaction.

I managed to avoid Brian once again on the way out of the house. I was getting good at this! Maybe I could get through the whole day without a single beating!

Don’t bet on it, Kellin.

It wasn’t until I got to school that I finally began to feel apprehensive. Yesterday I had failed to meet Vic. Was he going to get his revenge on me today?

My question was answered when I felt a firm grip on my shoulder, and a chilling voice faintly stirred my hair.

“Miss me, Quinn?”