Diary

I swear my life is never this interesting.

Today, I totally ratted my brother out.

I managed to keep his secret away from my mom for four years, and well that all went down the drain today. So basically, Mom now knows that my brother’s been smoking and selling weed – as well as codeine, apparently. I actually really do feel bad for telling on him, but at the same time, I’m kind of glad I did. I was always worried that he’d get caught someday. Hopefully now that my mom is onto him, he’ll stop. Let’s hope so. If he ever gets caught he can kiss college, a decent job, scholarships, his reputation, anything worthwhile in life, goodbye.

Apparently he also took a Xanax one time. That was a shock. He usually tells me everything, which makes me wonder if he’s done anything else. As far as I know, he’s only done weed, Xanax, and that one time he tried Bars. OP! Never mind, I just looked it up. Bars is the same thing as Xanax apparently – which he did tell me about.

It’s kind of weird that all this came to light literally the day (or two days?) after I tried weed for the first time. I feel like such a hypocrite telling on my brother. But I know that I’m never going to try weed again…unless I’m in California, of course. And, as I’ve stressed before, it was just one puff. No big deal. Right? I had wanted to tell Arinze about that, but now I know that there is absolutely no way anyone besides the three people I was with will know about that. I’m like 90% positive that he’s going to find out it was me who told mom – either it will be because she lets it slip or because of my guilt. And once he finds that out, I’m sure he’ll turn right around and tell Mom about me pretty much doing the same thing – albeit on a much smaller scale.

I really hope my brother learns from this. I would love to have him come to university with me. Even though I can agree that Mom is usually unnecessarily frantic/paranoid about many things, she is so right about black males being at a disadvantage in this world. The other day in sociology, I learned that a white male with a criminal history still has a significantly greater chance at earning a job than a black male with no criminal history. Crazy, right?

I probably should have told Mom a long time ago. But whatever. Nothing I can do about that now. Dad’s going to surprise him with a drug test over the weekend, and if he tests positive for drugs, Dad’s cutting off his dreads. We all know that he’s going to test positive. Mom even found weed in his room. Gosh, I feel bad.

And even though I’ve let my mom know what he’s been up to, he’s still lying about the whole thing. I don’t know how we does it. Mom hates lying. He should just admit to it. Everything would end much faster and more peacefully. But I guess that just makes me the pot calling the kettle black, since I’ve also smoked weed and blatantly lied to Mom about it too.

This is all just ridiculous. And on top of all that, J is being an ass and hasn’t texted me back. I halfway don’t blame him though. I broke my promise again earlier today, and I’m pretty sure this is my punishment again. I don’t know why God even tolerates me. All I do is say one thing and do another. Make promises and then break them. I need to do better. The best time of my life was when I was reading my Bible and praying regularly. Just because you go to church doesn’t mean you’re right with God. I can attest to that. The only thing holding me back from greatness is myself.