Diary

I need to focus.

I have a ten page paper due for my eight AM, and I’m just too distracted to write it. I don’t know what’s going on with me, but I’m just so anxious and unfocused.

It’s the last two weeks of the semester, and my mind refuses to settle down on what it needs to: my studies. Instead, my thoughts are plagued by a number of other things namely: Abby’s pregnancy, summer vacation, getting a job, to start a YouTube Channel or not to start a YouTube Channel, buying a car, buying a camera, buying editing software, buying clothes, changing my major…again, losing weight, getting my hair done, getting my nails done, and – of course – J.

I finally told Mom some more about him even though I’m still insisting that it’s nothing serious going on between us. I think acknowledging that is more so for my benefit than it is to placate my mother. I guess I’m subconsciously trying to remind myself not to get too attached too quickly like I’ve tended to do in the past.

J and I still text consistently. I’m convinced that he feels some type of way for me – but our “relationship” is way too premature to gauge how deep these feelings are. Besides, I actually haven’t physically seen J in ten months. Despite this, I am thrilled at the prospect of going home – I just know these are going to be the hardest two weeks of life.

I’m excited to hang out with him but also nervous at the same time. My nervousness has nothing to do with him, per se, but more so with my thoughts of him. Recently, every time I think of J, my thoughts have veered onto a very, very dangerous path. I’m still determined to put off having sex until marriage, but that certainly isn’t stopping my mind from thinking otherwise. Every time I space out, thoughts of us together in the most intimate of ways fill my mind. I feel like such a perv, but I just can’t help it. I’ve actually never even kissed a guy before – embarrassing, I know – which is weird that my mind is skipping several steps and jumping straight to the “grand finale”.
I know this is all a bit crazy, especially since I’m trying to work on not being so attached. I just can’t help thinking about dating him, kissing him, and – as of recently – “other stuff” with him too. Hopefully, I can shake this off and buckle down for these two week.

I desperately need to get back to writing this English essay, but I was hoping that taking a moment to write about all this would finally help my mind settle down enough to be productive.

Ugh, my roommate just walked in and turned on this damn light. She’s so damn inconsiderate about that. Sometimes I wish I was just a little more aggressive so I could have enough balls to tell her about herself. But alas, I am not, so I’m just going to have to suffice with fuming silently in my corner of the room. After all, it’s just two weeks left living with her.

Let’s hope I make it.