Mistakes

"I really don't know why you don't just tell David when this sort of thing happens," Mariah said, leaning against the stall in the bathroom, watching me hovering over the toilet bowl. I had heaved my guts once, but I couldn't get the cesspool to open again, especially not with her standing here.

"I can't tell him, Mariah. Lynzie is his girlfriend," I said, a little more miserably than I'd intended it to sound.

"Yeah, and you're his friend. Being someone's girlfriend doesn't give you a free pass to insult people when you feel like it."

I knew Mariah was right. Lynzie must have pegged me as some kind of threat, because when David wasn't around, she told me to get lost, quit flirting with David, and to stop being a homewrecker, in various ways. None of that was true, of course. David and I were friends, completely innocently. I wasn't the kind of girl to break up a relationship anyway. But that didn't stop her from being the worst person to me.

"I don't know what he sees in her. She's very insecure if she feels the need to keep harassing me," I said, standing up slowly. My mouth tasted disgusting. I bent over the sink and used handfuls of water to wash out the taste of bile.

"Insecurity isn't a good trait to have when your boyfriend is in a band," Mariah mused, leaning against the counter beside me, fixing her hair.

I remember thinking that I'd probably never have a chance with David now, especially since I was pretty damn sure my insecurity level far surpassed that of Lynzie Blair.

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I had the most terrible habit of pushing myself to be busy when David was away. It was a little easier this time, because this tour wasn't typical tour length. He would only be gone a month, but I felt each passing day ache just a little more, the way a bruise did as it was healing. And it wasn't like I could really miss to much, since he kept making a point to call me right after the show each night. Sometimes he got away with calling me during the day as well, but I kept pushing him to hang out with his friends and quit checking up on me. Kellin was one of David's good friends, and they didn't get to see each other as often, since tour schedules kept them both busy. I knew David was having fun catching up with his friends in Sleeping With Sirens.

"All right, everyone. I think I've pushed you guys enough for one day, yeah?" I said, turning around to address my exhausted hip hop class. There was not one person who didn't look they gave me 110% today. "Okay, okay. Let's do our cool down stretches and you guys can be free."

I led them through the stretches and then finally let them go. I eased myself back down to the floor, pulling my icy water bottle from my dance bag and my phone. David was being cute again today, always so happy and excited when he was on tour, and sent me the cutest text message: 'Hello beautiful lady. Sorry this is so late today. It gets crazy out here, and I'm hella slacking today. Anyway, I just wanted to tell you that you're beautiful and I love you so much. And I hope you remembered your water for class today. I'll call you later, beautiful. Nine days to go!'

I smiled and keyed in my response, glancing at the time to try and figure out where he might be right now. Probably soundcheck. 'Hey, Davie. I'm so happy you're having fun. I miss you like crazy! And thank you, but I finally think I'm in the habit of remembering it. I love you, too, baby. I can't wait to see you. Nine days and counting. Have a great show tonight xoxo'

After pulling on my sneakers, I stood up from the floor and stuck my phone back in my bag. There was a young girl lingering in the doorway, dressed in tights and a leotard. I assumed she was a ballet student.

"Hey there. Can I help you with something?" I asked, wondering if perhaps she wanted to use the dance studio to practice or something. The room I'd been given had a barre, so I was always quick to get out, since our studio had open hours when class was not in session.

"Uhm, maybe. Is your name Kalel?" she asked.

I nodded and smiled at her. "It is."

She looked relieved and excited. "Awesome. I thought so." She paused, watching me. "Can I ask you a personal question?"

"Depends on how personal," I said warily, stifling the urge to say something snarky to her.

"Are you and David dating? From Breathe Carolina, I mean."

I was so shocked that I couldn't answer right away. "How did you--?" I couldn't even finish the sentence. I was actually very confused as to how she knew it was me.

The girl blushed. "I'm sorry. He posted a bunch of photos of his new girlfriend on Instagram, and I thought she looked a lot like you. And I just wanted to say that I think you're really pretty and cool, if that is you," she said nervously. "And I wondered if it'd be all right if I joined your ballet class."

I was actually really touched. "You're so sweet," I said and smiled at her. "And, yes, I am dating David. And of course you can join my class. I'd love to have you."

"Really? That's great!" she said excitedly and then came forward, thrusting her application into my hands, as well as the check for our sessions. "I'm really excited. I've heard you're a great teacher, Kalel."

It was my turn to blush. "Thank you very much. I'm excited to have you as well. You know the dress code for my class, right? Black leotard, pink tights, and your pointe shoes."

She nodded and smiled. "Got it. I'll see you on Thursday, Kalel! Thanks again!"

The young girl raced out of the room excitedly and I left the dance studio as well. I picked up some Indian food on the way home for Bradley and I, having a very strange craving for curry all of a sudden, and finally headed home for the evening.

"So is there any underlying reason for this, Elle?" Brad asked as we sat together outside on the patio, smiling at me playfully. "Usually Thai food means you're upset."

I shrugged slightly, pushing my crab rangoon around in the take-out box. "I dunno. Dave sent me a text earlier today and it just made me feel sort of guilty. I feel like I haven't been honest with him."

"About what?"

"This whole bulimia thing. I mean, I told him a while ago that I'm trying and that I wanted to call Doctor Sparks again, but I've been dragging my feet about it," I confessed, sighing. "I want to him to believe in me, and I know that he does. I just don't want him to be disappointed in me. And I really don't like the idea of people worrying about me."

Bradley snorted. "It's okay to be weak, Kalel."

"Not when I'm dating someone in the public eye it's not, Brad," I said, shaking my head. "I can't handle the idea of people picking me apart when I'm trying to learn how to love myself again."

"Well, it's not like you fell too far down while you were gone, Ellie," she said reasonably. "And it's not like you want to be sick. And David's supporting you. You know he does. He eats healthy around you to support you. He's a great guy, Kalel. You're acting like he's not, and that's not okay."

I nodded slowly. She was right. Not telling David about my worries and hesitations was an insult to him. It's not as if David was some unreasonable guy. He was incredibly pliable; very chill, very open-minded. I needed that from him, because some days were harder than others.

"I just don't ever want to be that girl that everyone hates," I said after a while. "I don't want to be needy."

"You're not needy, Kalel. You're ill. And it's okay to be ill every once and a while. You just can't stay there, you know?" Bradley said.

I smiled at her. "I love you."

"I know, right?" Bradley smiled back.

Once our girls' night was over, and Bradley excused herself to go spend the night with her new love interest (without giving me details, mind you), I curled up on the couch with my phone. After doing some quick calculations about time differences, I dialed the number and waited.

"Hey, baby. I'm so sorry I haven't gotten a chance to call you tonight. I got dragged away," David apologized, as soon as he picked the phone up. I could hear people talking in the background, so I knew he was probably partying on the bus.

I shook my head, even though he couldn't see it. "It's all right, Dave. I just wanted to talk to you about something real quick."

"Of course, Elle. Gimme a second to go somewhere a little more quiet," he said and I could hear him shuffling around and then the noise in the background lessened significantly. "What's going on, Kalel? Your voice sounds funny."

I sighed softly. "Do you think I deserve you, Dave?"

He started laughing. "What kind of fucked up question is that, Kalel? It's not about deserving, you silly girl. I love you. Isn't that enough?"

I backpedaled quickly, afraid I'd hurt his feelings. "No, no. Of course it is, D. I didn't mean it that way." I sighed again. "I just... I don't know. Brad and I were talking earlier, and I do think I'm going to see Doctor Sparks again."

"That's really great, Kalel. I'm all for that if you think it'll help you. I just want you to be okay again, baby."

He was being sweet and I couldn't understand it completely. "And David? I just want you to know that I'm sorry," I said softly. "When she and I were talking, I realized I wasn't be fair with you. I didn't want you to know how much I was struggling, and I didn't want to tell you. I didn't want you to worry."

David was quiet for a moment. "I wish you'd trust me, Kalel. I'm on your side, baby. I know you've got this need to be independent, but I'm willing to help. I don't completely understand, and sometimes I feel like you use that as an excuse."

I sighed softly. "I'm sorry, Dave. Really. I don't mean to make you feel like you can't help me. I think I'm worried sometimes that people will see me as being weak and judge me. You've got this rock star thing going on, D. I just don't want to hold you back, you know?"

"You can't hold me back, baby. And fuck all those people. They don't get a say. I know you're not using me. It doesn't matter what they think," he said. "Are you listening to me, Kalel?"

I nodded. "Yeah, I hear you. Thanks, Dave. I really needed to hear that. I love you so much, David. Don't forget that."

I could practically hear the smile in his voice when he said, "I love you, too, baby. We'll get through this together, okay? Have some faith in me."