Mistakes

It was Christmastime, and I didn't have her. I lost her exactly one month and one day shy of our three year anniversary. We didn't fight about it; we never really argued about anything. I was just honest with her when she asked if she thought we could make it. I guess we weren't worth fighting for after all.

Being back home sucked. I knew she was in Denver, and now that the holidays had arrived, she would be staying with her parents. Lucky for me, her parents still lived in the same house they always had. Unlucky for me, I had no balls to go and see her and ask for a second chance. She wasn't giving me another chance. It was clear from the way her things were gone when I came home to her. It took me two days too long to realize I'd made a mistake, and by then, she was long gone.

When I saw her again, it was at our Christmas party. She looked breathtakingly gorgeous in a simple black dress that fit her like a glove. She was there with her family, both sets of parents as well as her siblings and step-siblings and their spouses.

Once again, it took me too long to go up and speak to her. She'd been mingling all night, probably hoping that looking busy would keep me away. It had, until I found her alone in the living room. My mother was pumping corny Christmas music through our entertainment center, and she was standing near the brick fireplace, holding a glass of wine. I thought I saw her hand shaking.

"Kalel," I said, to get her attention.

She turned and frowned at me. Her eyes looked tired and sad. "Hello, David."

"Come home, Ellie. I need you," I said quietly.

The sadness melted off her face. "You're an alcoholic, David. I can't be with you."

"I can change, Kalel. I can. Just come home, baby. Please," I pleaded with her.

"Until you bury your skeletons, David, you won't change," she told me harshly and then attempted to move around me, probably to make a point. She stopped short and turned, leaning over me to give my cheek a soft kiss. Her lips burned like fire, and I wanted nothing more to move and kiss her properly. "I'm so sorry. Merry Christmas, David Schmitt."

She was ripping my heart out, and I was letting her. "Merry Christmas, Kalel Carter."

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"Is this the part where you ask how I'm feeling?" I asked, trying not to sound bitter about it.

Doctor Sparks grinned, twisting the pen around in her fingers. Her worn hands held my file, as well as a notepad that she always had poised and ready to go to take notes during sessions. "Not entirely. We can discuss anything you'd like, Kalel. You know that." When I didn't say anything, she continued. "I was informed you had your first meeting with the nutritionist this week as well," she prodded gently.

I nodded slowly, nervously. "That was really scary," I confessed. "Kate was really nice, though. I really felt like we connected."

"That's great, Kalel!" Doctor Sparks encouraged, smiling. "I'm really happy to hear you went to that appointment. I was nervous after our last meeting that you might not."

"I was thinking about canceling the whole week," I admitted, frowning. "I called David and told him I wanted to cancel, but I think he talked me out of it."

"That's right. David. The boyfriend," Doctor Sparks said, smiling playfully at me as she made a comment in her notes. "How is he doing? Are you guys all right?"

I smiled. "He's great. Tour is just over halfway over, I believe. He's having a blast. I miss him like crazy, though. I feel like that makes me needy, like I need to have him around at all times."

Doctor Sparks nodded, twirling the pen in her fingers. "That's normal, Kalel. You're in this together. It's understandably tough when you're trying to work through things, and he has to keep going on tour."

I didn't want to agree with that, because I didn't want David being on tour to start making me bitter. I knew what I was getting into when I started dating a musician. Some of our relationship was going to be spent apart, because he was on the road sometimes. I knew it was going to get even more nuts because the boys were writing music and messing around in the studio, since the album was due out early in 2014.

"That's not his fault. I need to learn how to stand on my own. I can't keep relying on him," I told her, but it felt like I was speaking to myself. I hated the way I had to keep bothering him with my weird insecurities.

"That doesn't mean you can't lean on him every now and again," Doctor Sparks said. "He wants you to. Isn't that what he said?"

"Yeah, he did," I agreed and then sighed. "He's going to be in Vegas in four days, and I've been thinking about going to see him. The only thing I've been worrying about is, like, barging in on his thing. Tour is his thing. I don't want to be in the way, or put myself somewhere where I don't belong."

"I think that's a great idea, Kalel," she said happily, smiling at me. "It's not like you'll be there for the rest of the tour, and it's great for your relationship. You know I'm a firm believer in not being with your lover every second of the day, but sometimes it's nice to go and see them during that time apart, when you can spare it."

I smiled at her. "Our dance studio has the day off, so it's not even like I'm putting my life on hold to see him."

"That's great, Kalel. I think we've made great progress today, don't you think?" Doctor Sparks smiled at me again. "Let me just give you the journal topic for this week and your homework and you can be free for today. You did some great work today, Kalel. You should be very proud of yourself."

When I was let go for the day, I stopped to grab Bradley and I dinner for the evening, as well as a bottle of red wine for us to split. After sharing with her a bit of what I talked about in therapy, I decided to drop the bomb on her.

"I want to go to Vegas to see David," I blurted a little suddenly, my fork moving around my salad in the take-out box.

Bradley looked up from her phone, smiling slightly. "Are you saying you only just thought to ask me to come to Vegas with you to see the boys? Do you really think I'd get a hotel room with you, maybe play at the casino, and definitely drink a whole lot of high-end alcohol?"

I smiled a little hopefully. "Yes?"

She shrieked and threw her arms around my neck. "Are you kidding! Of course I'd love to go to Vegas with you! I'll ask for time off work tomorrow!"

"Are you going to be able to take time off?" I asked. "I don't work on the weekends and our studio has that Monday off."

Bradley smiled a bit, thinking. "Well I know they've been talking about renovating the doctor's office, and we don't work the weekends anyway. I'll just ask for my Friday off so we can spend the weekend in Vegas."

I smiled affectionately at her. "I'm so glad you're coming with me, Bradley. I want David to see how good I've been doing. Plus, Doctor Sparks said that it's healthy every now and again to surprise your lover."

A mischievous look descended on Bradley's face then. "Speaking of surprising, what do you say we go for a run down on Venice tomorrow morning?"

"Why? What are you scheming?" I teased her, sticking a forkful of salad into my mouth.

"Oh, nothing," she said innocently, ignoring my look that demanded an explanation.

"Okay, fine. I'll bite. We'll go down to the beach tomorrow and 'run,'" I said, pushing Bradley's shoulder playfully. I wondered what kind of guy she was trying to attract now. Was he the lifeguard, or a surfer? Hm.

Later that night, when I left Bradley's place and settled in my own apartment, I pulled my laptop off of my desk and cuddled up in bed. Baby Riot jumped up on the bed and curled up on David's side of the bed and I gave her head a couple scratches as I waited for my laptop to turn back on.

I checked my emails, replied to the few that needed it. I paid a couple bills and got some snail mail that I placed on my bedside table to remind me to drop them in the box tomorrow morning. I pulled my camera up and stared at it for a long few moments before I turned it on.

"Hi, guys! Kalel here, again. Sorry about my wet head; I just got out of the shower. I just wanted to give you guys an update. I have a surprise for you guys in a couple days, but I can't give too much away right now, sorry!" I smiled into the lens. "Oh! And I know you guys keep asking for more of the baby, so..." I turned the camera to Riot, leaning over to pet her, causing her head to lift up. The camera must have disturbed her, because she meowed and batted at it a little, making me laugh. "Anyway, I just wanted to give you guys a little update on me. I worry a lot about telling you guys about this, but I'm trying to be honest here. Uhm," I hesitated, wrestling with myself. It scared me to share myself with people, especially people who I didn't know. "Basically, you guys, I've been suffering for a few years now with bulimia. And I know that some of you guys don't really know what that is, or what it entails. Maybe I'll explain more if you want to know, or if you want some advice or whatever about it. But I don't want to lie to you guys. You've been there for me for a long time; I want to return the favor."

I turned the camera off and uploaded the unedited video to YouTube. I put my laptop away and curled up with baby Riot, pulling my phone off the bedside table. One new text message from David. I opened it with a smile.

'Hey babe. Haven't heard from you today, so I'm assuming you're busy. Call me when you get the chance. I'll be up. And if I don't get to hear your voice, I love you. Sweet dreams x'

I pressed the CALL button and pressed it to my ear. He answered on the second ring.

"Hello, beautiful," he said, when he picked it up.

My chest threatened to cave in completely. "Hello, Dave. I have so much to tell you."