Mistakes

"You know I don't actually like Starbucks coffee, right?" David said when I sat down beside him, placing the latte in front of him.

I snorted. "You always get a latte when I drag you to Starbucks. I was being a good girlfriend," I teased him.

David completely stopped playing on his laptop, where he was fucking around with new mixes and beats for some song, I assumed, and turned to me, smiling. "I'm gonna tell you a secret, Kalel. Are you ready?"

"Oh, God," I said playfully. "Do I even want to know?"

"You do. It's a good story." David gave me a goofy grin and then sat back in his chair. "When I bumped into you in that Starbucks, I wasn't there to get coffee or any of that shit."

I was very confused. "Then... why were you there?"

"Because I was walking down the street and I saw you in there, and I only came in to find out what your voice sounded like," he said, so ridiculously seriously that I thought he was still fucking around with me. "I felt like an ass just going in there just to get you to say something to me, so I ordered the first thing I saw on the menu. I don't even know what the fuck a latte is, Kalel."

"Oh my God, David." I knew I was blushing. He was so corny sometimes! "You're lying."

"I convinced you to date me, didn't I?" He smiled at me. "That would've never happened if I didn't bother you in that Starbucks."

"I love you," I said, because it felt like the only thing appropriate to say to that.

His hand found mine and he pressed his lips to the pads of my fingers. "I love you, too, Kalel. So much."

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The worst part about having an ex-boyfriend that you were unsure if you still had feelings for, aside from that, is having an ex-boyfriend that you were unsure if you still had feelings for, that had a girlfriend. And it was marginally more awful if that ex-boyfriend had a nice girlfriend. Yep. I was not gifted with the luxury of having this woman be the biggest bitch in the whole world to me. It would make it so much easier to hate her, and thus, I would be able to walk away from David and bury my questionable feelings for him in the dirt where they belong.

But no. The Universe hates me. I wanted nothing more than to be the shallow, vindictive, scathing ex-girlfriend with nothing nice to say. But I couldn't do that, no matter how much I wanted to. My mother's age-old advice of "if you have nothing nice to say, don't say anything at all" echoed in my head, and I kept my bitter trap shut.

"So you're an actress, right, Kalel? Have you been in anything I would know?" Melissa asked, as we walked together down the sidewalk towards the restaurant.

I shook my head. "No, I don't think so. I've only had small roles in movies and some TV shows. I was in a couple music videos, though, which was really cool exposure, though those were mostly because of my dancing, not because of acting."

"You dance, too?" She seemed impressed, and I really didn't understand why.

"Uh-huh. I do a little ballet," I said, shrugging. "My mother was a ballet teacher. I always thought she was beautiful, so I only started because I wanted to emulate my mother. I'm not that amazing at it, I swear."

"She's lying. She's fucking fantastic," David said, from behind us. I handed him my middle finger and he only smiled at me.

"I really hate talking about myself," I admitted. "What about you, Melissa? What do you do?"

"I'm a hairdresser in Beverly Hills. Work was actually where I met David. I told him his hair was really taken care of for a guy who tours all the time. I hadn't even met it to be flirtatious and here we are!" Melissa let me go in favor of taking David's hand.

I watched their fingers lace together and tried hard to ignore the fact that my heart was beating faster and faster, taking my breath away. I didn't feel jealous, though. I just felt sad. I stuck by Bradley after that, mostly because everyone was talking about things I wasn't up to date on anymore. I didn't know the people they were talking about, and David kept smiling at Melissa in a way that made me hurt inside. He'd moved on, and I wasn't sure how I was supposed to feel.

The Herringbone was one of my favorite places to eat, hands down. David and I made every Saturday night when he was home our night to go out and try a new restaurant, since I was always obnoxious about going out on dates as much as possible. We'd been here a few times, though, and the food was fabulous and the atmosphere was perfection. It was definitely one of the most beautiful places we'd ever gone to eat at.

When we all sat down, I meticulously moved my cloth napkin from under my silverware and laid it across my lap. I felt suddenly very out of place and unhappy. What was I expecting anymore? It had been a year since I'd seen David; did I honestly really expect him to still chase after me like a puppy? God, was I really that self-obsessed?

Beside me, Eric moved his leg so his knee rested against mine before he dropped his hand and found mine. I really appreciated it, and I squeezed his hand warmly for a moment before I let go. I rebalanced myself and looked around the table. I hadn't noticed that Kyle's fiance, Gretchen, had joined us.

"Gretch!" I yelped and then stood up, wrapping my arms around her tightly.

"Ellie, oh my God!" she squealed and hugged me tight. "I didn't even recognize you! Oh my God, guys, thanks for not fucking telling me!" She directed her annoyance to Kyle, smacking his arm playfully. She leaned back and looked me in the eyes. "Are you here for a little while? We need to hang out, Kalel! I demand a lunch date, at least!"

I smiled at her. "I'm here for good, Gretchen. I came back for a job, but I know I'll never be able to leave again. I really love California."

Gretchen squealed again and squeezed me into another warm hug. "God, I've missed you, babe. We'll have to get together. I'm going nuts without Kyle."

That made me sad. I couldn't relate anymore. Yeah, after tonight, David was going to be gone again, but I almost had no right to miss him. But I would. He still had my heart.

Dinner passed easily enough. It wasn't super awkward, but nothing could ever be awkward with Gretchen around. I spent most of my time speaking to her, catching up and giggling over whatever, just like we used to. It helped me not focus so much on what I was eating, which wasn't even all that bad. It had been a while since I had eaten scallops, and they were delicious.

It was starting to get late, and the boys needed to get back on the road. I wasn't ready for them to leave, but I knew they had to go. I was exhausted anyway, still jet-lagged. I excused myself from the table to step outside for a quick cigarette, sitting down on the curb. David joined me not a minute later, and I passed him my lighter without a word.

"Do you hate me, Kalel?" he asked, after a moment.

"Hate you?" I was so surprised. I looked over at him. "Of course not, David. I could never hate you."

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you about Melissa. I guess I thought maybe you wouldn't talk to me if you knew."

"You're right. I probably wouldn't have," I agreed, a little reluctantly. "Maybe it's better that way. I wanted to be friends, Dave." He smiled slightly and looked away. I felt myself smiling. "What? Why are you smiling like that?"

He looked over at me again. "You haven't called me 'Dave' in forever. I've missed that, Ellie. I've missed you." He reached for my knee and hovered over it, probably realizing that the intimate touch wasn't really appropriate anymore. Instead, he took my hand and gave it a squeeze. "We'll have to hang out again when I get back from tour. We'll do friend shit, okay?"

"Friend shit, huh?" I teased him, resisting the urge to lace our fingers together.

"Yeah, I don't know. We'll get drunk and do lame karaoke. Shit we did in the good old days, when we first got to LA."

I nodded. "Sounds great, David. I can't wait," I said honestly.

David stood up and offered me his hand, which I took, hauling my ass off the curb. I stepped on my cigarette butt and turned as I heard the door open. The boys all looked collectively beat, so I gave them all a quick hug goodbye, promising I wouldn't be a stranger and that I'd see them when tour was over.

Bradley hooked her arm through mine as we headed back towards the venue together, where we'd left her car. "You okay, bud?" she asked carefully.

I smiled at her. "Yeah, I think so. I'm sad, but he's happy. That's all I want for him. Maybe we were never meant for 'forever love' or whatever the fuck you call it."

"Maybe. Maybe not. You never know. Give it some time," Bradley said gently. "But my money's on you guys getting back together."

"Isn't it bad karma to wish someone's relationship won't work out?" I teased her. Bradley just shrugged innocently and it made me laugh. Leave it to her to know exactly what to say to make me feel so much better.

I jumped into the shower quickly to wash the day away from my skin and then locked myself in my bedroom. I pulled my laptop from its case and opened it slowly. Since my media blackout, I haven't really used it much. I used to be so religious about my social media, and I took so many photographs, mostly so I could use David's smile to comfort myself when he was away on tour. But I hadn't been able to look at them. Not until now.

When we moved to LA, I started a YouTube channel, intent on using it as a sort of video diary, just to get my thoughts out when David was away. Long distance relationships were tough, and I had really enjoyed the support of the community. When the boys started getting bigger, David and I would make videos together, just silly things. I hadn't looked at the videos in a long time, either.

Setting up the webcam on my laptop, I positioned it on my bed and sat on the floor, peering at the lens for a moment before I started to speak: "I know that it's been a while, and I'm sure that once I put this video up, you all will have questions for me. Questions I'm not entirely sure I'm ready to answer just yet. But I'm sorry I've been so absent. Things got tough, and I kept making excuses as to why I couldn't let you guys know what was going on." I took a deep breath to collect my thoughts and then continued. "I guess in case you guys haven't noticed or need clarification, yes, David and I broke up. He didn't cheat on me or anything, and I didn't cheat on him. There was a lot going on, and if you guys listen to song lyrics you'd figure it out, but that's all I'm really comfortable saying to you guys right now. And I did go back to Denver for a little while, to regroup, I guess. But I'm back in LA now, and I saw David tonight." I smiled. "It was good to see him. I won't lie to you guys. But he's got a girlfriend, and I respect that. Maybe I'll still be able to rope him into doing videos with me again. I know how much you guys loved that." I looked down at my hands and sighed. "I didn't want to say it in front of him, and it would've been inappropriate anyway, but I think I still love him. I thought running away would kill those feelings, but it didn't. Most of the butterflies in my stomach are still alive, even after all this time."

I reached out and shut the camera off. Fifteen minutes after the video was uploaded to YouTube and I had snuggled up under my blankets, heavy-lidded and ready to fall asleep, my phone light up the darkness. I rubbed my eyes and grabbed my phone, pulling up the new text message I'd just received:

'Most of my butterflies are still alive, too. I love you. Always. xo D'