Atelophobia

Atelophobia.

The fear of never being good enough.

It haunts me, by day and by night. Overwhelming me in feelings of numbness and worthlessness, something demonic in a way, living inside. Slowly sucking up your soul. It makes no sense to some, but to others it means the world to hear the same idea coming from another person's mouth.

The only person who knows what I'm feeling is my best friend, Delilah, and my followers on my tumblr. I wouldn't say that i'm depressed, however other may disagree. I simply feel empty. That's the only way I can feel to describe it. I wouldn't say I have anxiety either, for fear of insulting those who actually do have anxiety. Which, I guess.. could mean that since I'm thinking of that I could have anxiety but I'm not sure yet. I can't even diagnose myself, that's not something I should do.

I've taken the test online to see if I'm depressed and it tells me that I'm severely depressed and should ask for help, but lets me real, who the fuck cares about me? I'm a worthless piece of shit.

My parents claim that they're constantly worrying about me, especially since I started to listen to my 'demonic sounding music' that they hate with their whole being. Honestly, I only listen to the really heavy shit to piss them off. I listen to lots of softer sad music as well as death metal and chill step.

I listen to bands from Thy Art Is Murder to Blackmill to Chase Coy and Juliet Simms. I used to listen to what they call 'scene' music, but I don't really like to categorize my music taste. I just listen to what I like.

Currently I'm listening to Eight Dollar Engagement Rings by Chase Coy. It reminds me of Seth, this red head guy from Georgia that I like. I'm from Florida by the way.

Unplugging my headphones, I walked over to my tank I stared at my black and white mollies swimming around inside. I really need to get some decorations for them to play around with. Maybe a skull I saw at Wal-Mart, some plants, and a shell or two.

Sitting back down on my bed I looked around on my walls. They were covered with black and white posters from top to bottom of my favorite actors, writers, band member, and artists on my wall. Inside my closet I have pictures of myself with friends and family hanging above my white board with a calendar on it. Above my mirror I have a painted sign reading "Jennabugg", my family nickname. My sister painted it for me.

I love my room. I had a 5 shelf bookshelf in the corner next to my window and closet, loaded with horror books written by Dean Koontz and Stephen King, cook books, Wicca books, and sketch books. Also tons of candles and lighters littering the shelves.

My fish tank was sitting on top of my old white dresser that I've had for as long as I can remember, along with some random junk. My full bed was shoved into the corner, with a dark wooden desk set up in front of it with my gaming systems, lamp, and TV on top of it.

Picking up the remote and clicking the red on button at the top, my stereo system turned on and started to play my playlist I made for Seth. It makes me all girly feeling inside. Sometimes I like feeling girly, but usually I'm into creeping people out with my odd style and looks.

Turning around and plopping onto my stomach I layed out on my black comforter and cuddled into a pillow, hoping to dream and escape from this hell called reality.