The Hardest Thing To Say

Why I was hanging around while they were recording Pioneer, I also didn't know. Especially because the person recording vocals at this very moment broke my heart just a year ago.

Maybe it was because it's been a long time since I've seen the other guys. I remember Kennedy extending an invitation for me to visit once to see what they've been up to. When I arrived at the Eighty One Twenty Three studios, Pat practically jumped on me the second I went into the door. Kennedy and Jared engulfed me into a hug that I couldn't seem to remove myself from voluntarily. Garrett was quieter than most and maybe that was because I've been texting frequently about what happened. He gave me a tight-lipped smile and a quick hug, but I already knew that that was enough to know that he did miss me too.

The moment I saw the blonde and freakishly tall guy standing right in front of me, I turned away and tried to get to the closest person and talk. If I looked at John any longer, I'm sure I would just break down right there and then. I didn't want to cause that much of a mess around them right now, especially with their third album on the way. I was determined to not let anything in the way as long as I was there.

***

"God, John. When will you ever stop getting this drunk?" I said as I dropped him over to his bed in the garage he lived in. He drank more than a couple bottles of beer and did shots with the rest of his band, being the reason he can't even walk a straight line now.

I've been used to seeing him like this because apparently, I'm his call to when he gets this wasted. I've put him in his bed a million times before and this shouldn't be something new. I have no idea when I'll get tired of it.

"The day when I stop being lonely," he mumbled, a sloppy grin on his face. "But that's probably never going to happen because I'm always going to be lonely. I'll never find the perfect person to be with for the rest of my lonely fucking life."

"You aren't lonely John. You haven't had a girlfriend for a while but you can't say that you're going to be lonely just because you're single today," I shook my head as I made my way over to John's drawer. I pulled a clean white shirt from it and walked back to the bed where he was lying and staring at the ceiling. "Now please help me help you. Get rid of your jean vest and your shirt."

"Why don't girls like me, anyway?" John asked mindlessly as I tried peeling the vest off of him. "I write pretty songs about girls and I write okay poetry and cheezy lyrics. Why can't I get a girlfriend?"

"You have hundreds of thousands of girls coming after you and you honestly think girls don't like you?" I stopped moving for a little and stared at him in disbelief. "You're speaking nonsense. Now please, get your shirt off."

"Why can't you just admit that I'm a worthless piece of shit that's going to be stuck like this forever. I'll never find someone who'll take care of me until I grow old. I'll never find someone who'll need me when she needs someone. There's just no one that's meant to be with me. It'll always be like this."

I stopped trying to peel off his clothes because he wouldn't budge when I tried getting them off of him. "What am I, John? Your mom? Please, just take your clothes off. You're just saying this because you're drunk," I muttered, obviously getting irritated by him right now. It wasn't because he was drunk. It was because he isn't appreciating me right now.

"You?" He sat up slowly and raised his eyebrow at me. He laughed hysterically and he looked like he was about to fall out of his bed. "You? You aren't anything to me. Not anymore. I've stopped thinking about you like you're important to me when I realized that you'll just become that person that'll come and go in my life."

"I'm not a person that'll just come and go in your life," I sighed, knowing that I had to be patient with him. He didn't think or speak like this when he got drunk. He was still a big pain in the ass, but he didn't say anything about him being lonely.

"That's what they all s-say," he slurred, a drunken smile on his lips. "You're just another one of them. I know you don't really care about me, Daisy. And because of that, I don't f-fucking care about you either. So you can just fuck off and never talk to me again. That's what's going to happen in a few years anyway. Maybe even a few months."

I stopped moving and I sat on his bed, just staring at him. I was frozen on the spot and I felt like I couldn’t do or say anything to him at this point. Maybe he truly meant what he was saying but either way, it still stung like a bitch.

"What are you waiting for? Get the fuck out of here. I don't give a damn about you anymore. Just leave. Leave like everyone else," he wobbled when he stood up and when I tried helping him, he shoved my arms away. He snatched the shirt in my hand and glared at me like I just killed his brother. He took his vest and shirt off and replaced it with the shirt.

"Why are you pushing me away?" I asked, my voice getting a little shaky because I was fighting the urge to sob and to let the tears go.

"Because that's what I do, Daisy. I push people away. Especially if I know they won't be around for too long anymore. So please, just do me a fucking favor and just go."

I stood up and walked across the room to the door. "If I was just going to leave you that easily, then maybe I shouldn't have been your designated driver every night you got wasted. Maybe I shouldn't have been there when your last few girlfriends broke up with you. Maybe I shouldn't have been there when you had that fight with your dad. I should've left you on the floor when Jared punched you that one time. I shouldn't have given you first aid then. Because I should've known that eventually, I wouldn't mean anything to you. I was just that convenient person that cleaned up after your mess."

There was a silence that rang around us and I knew that tears were running out of my eyes already and I didn't have control to stop them.

A small smile crept on his face and he shoved his hands in his pockets. "Told you. Everyone'll just leave me at one point."

"I didn't leave you, John. You pushed me away and you're the one that left me when I tried to stay with you," I choked out, storming out of his room and back into the car.

***

"Daisy, this is Colby. He's helping us do the album," Kennedy said, motioning to the guy sitting behind the controls and the panels. "Colby, this is Daisy. She's our friend."

"The friend of four out of five of us, you mean," Jared's lips pursed. "God, I don't know what came over him, but in behalf of that dick, I apologize," he said, bowing his head a little.

I chuckled and forced a smile. "No need for apologies. It wasn't your fault and I guess it wasn't his either. Maybe he really just didn't want me in his life anymore. He could've said it in a more subtle way if he really doesn't want me around anymore, then I'm more than okay with that."

"Well we aren't okay with that and we'd hate you too if you avoided us," Kennedy said. "Fucking try, Daisy. I'll hunt you down. I learned how to shoot a gun, you know."

"Unless you don't want me in your life like what John said, I don't think I'll stay away."

"Daisy, you and I both know that John has tried apologizing numerous times," Garrett walked into the room and looked at me. "But I can't blame you if you're still trying to avoid him. If my best friend told me that too, I guess I'd lay off for a bit too."

We decided to drop the topic and let them record because they were already an hour behind thanks to my arrival. Colby pressed a button and talked into the microphone. "John, you ready to go?"

"Yeah, sure," he muttered and I should've been guilty because I knew that I was partly the reason why he seems like he's in a bad mood.

"First verse and first chorus is down. Let's do the second verse," he said, before leaning back into his seat. He pressed a few buttons and music started playing from the speakers. I stood there, forgetting all the drama happening and fascinated by the procedure of how they record these songs. It's the first time I've stepped into a studio and I was more than excited for it even if hearing that raspy voice breaks my heart every time.

"Yeah, I 'm messed up again. Thinking about the times I was lost and you let me in. And I'm only human. Both you and I know the way that this would end." His voice filled the room and we all stayed silent, listening to him singing the lyrics. "So I say never again, never again, no, will I leave you high and never again, never again, no. Yeah, never again, never again, no. Will I leave you high and dry. This time, I more than mean it."

I tilted my head, fazed by the song. Everything sounded great but what really made my heart start beating a little faster and a little louder was the lyrics. I shouldn't assume that that was because of me, but I did. I'm hoping I'm wrong.

When John stopped singing and Colby stopped the music, the rest of the band turned to me with amused faces. I scrunched my eyebrows, looking at each one of them curiously.

"D-do I have something on my face?" I mumbled, fishing my phone out of my pocket and checking my reflection if there was anything wrong with my face.

"Nothing, Daisy. Listen to the song, okay?" Garrett pressed his lips together and nodded at me. I blinked at him and the other guys and they seemed to go back to looking at Colby and the panels.

"That was good, John. Wow. You got that on one take," he said, replaying the recording he just did. "Get ready for the chorus."

I sighed and looked at my feet, trying to distract myself from listening to every note and every syllable John was saying. I couldn't though. I had to listen. I haven't heard his voice for a long time. Even the sound of him sighing make me shiver. The effect this boy had on me was almost unbelievable.

I suppose it shouldn't be since we were only best friends. Maybe my feelings for him have developed over time but I wouldn't know at this moment because I never actually thought about it. I think I did, but I still don't know for sure. Why would I be feeling like this if I didn't feel for him that way, right?

"I'm sorry I'm not what you wanted. I'm sorry. I'm sorry I let you down. I could use some poor excuse, 'cause it's the hardest thing to say… Oh it's the hardest thing to say in the world. I'm sorry."

Colby pressed the button down again and smiled into the microphone. "You're on a roll today. Getting everything spot on in one take. Just that bridge and then last chorus. Think you can do it?"

"Yeah, Colby. Let's just get it over with," John mumbled. I could tell he was getting tired and he wanted to just finish everything. I felt guilty because I'm the possible reason why he isn't exactly in the mood to do there album today. It was obvious that if he had a choice to not record today, he'd take it. But Garrett mentioned to me that they had to pick up the pace a bit.

"So how does the song writing process go?" I spoke up, breaking the silence around us. Honestly, if it wasn't a little awkward for me standing around and listening to John sing a song about apologizing, I would really care about learning about the process. But right now, it was something to slice the tension.

"John writes the songs and we change what we think should be changed," Kennedy answered. "We didn't touch this song though. We thought it was perfect as it is when John wrote it."

"Great," I muttered as I turned back to the speakers and listened to the singing again.

"I'm sorry. Yeah I'm sorry." He repeated the chorus with the same tone he did with the second chorus but by the end of the recording, the guys looked at each other and shook their heads slightly.

"It's kind of dull, isn't it?" Pat spoke up as Colby replayed the track.

"With Identify, the bridge was the one that completed it. My Heroine had that powerful riff. The ticking on Time was what made that great and Some Days had an awesome riff as well. This one seems kind of ordinary and plain," Jared shrugged. They all nodded in agreement and decided to let John repeat.

"Hey, John? Do you have any ideas on how you can make this a little more interesting?" Jared spoke on the microphone. "It sounds dull right now, man."

Garrett stood beside Jared and spoke to the mic after Jared did. "Maybe put a little more emotion on it. I mean, it is different than the other songs. You wrote this, John. Feel it." Garrett stepped back to his place and put his palm to his face."God, what I said just sounded ridiculous."

We all laughed and went back to listening. The music started playing and I was waiting for what John had in mind for this song. At the same time, my phone vibrated from my pocket so I took it out but the moment John started singing—no, screaming, I dropped my phone on the carpeted floor, startled by the sound. All six of us in the room stared at the speaker and the screen with our eyes widened. It was safe to say that none of us expected that.

Colby replayed the recording and his face twitched a little bit by the end of it. "Try that one more time. Make sure that it sounds about right. Control it because you can hear it kind of getting a little wild on that second line."

John repeated the screaming, and it sounded like he was already frustrated when Colby asked him to repeat it again.

"Crap, I hope he doesn't lose his voice," Colby said as John took another go.

It was painful for me to hear and I honestly wanted to rip my ears off of my head. I've been wanting to do it from the second verse they recorded. From the moment Garrett told me to listen carefully to the song. I didn't have to be a scientist to figure out that this song was about me.

"Last two, man. If you don't get it with that last two, then we're scrapping the screaming idea."

He pressed the button and the music started playing again. Him just singing or sighing into the mic made me shiver. What he was doing now made goosebumps appear on my arms and it made a shiver go up my spine. That fifth recording did the job well. I can't even express how much hearing him sing the lyrics with that much force makes me feel.

"Want to record that one last time? That was already good… But you know. Do you want to do one just in case?"

"Fine," John said with gritted teeth. He was breathing deeply and we could hear it loud and clear. Everyone was exchanging glances with each other and I stood there, not knowing what to do or say. I wanted to storm out of the studio but I know they all won't forgive me if I just leave them again.

I've left them hanging for about a year without speaking to any of them except Garrett, and I didn't want to do it again.

"I'm sorry." John was breathing in deeply and it sounded like he was getting really frustrated already. "I-I'm not what you wanted! I'm sorry, I'm sorry I let- I let you d-down." John sobbed that last part and my mouth fell to the ground along with the mouth of the other five people in the room. John screamed so loud that it made Pat and Colby cover their ears. "Fuck! I'm sorry! I’m f-fucking sorry!" I could hear him growling, sobbing, screaming, and shouting and it made me feel like the space was closing in. "I'm sorry, Daisy. God, I'm so sorry."

Everyone turned to me, including Colby and I could feel the tears stinging my eyes. I fought to push them aside and walked to the room where John was recording. He was sitting on the floor, leaning back on the wall, with his head ducked between his legs.

"If you can give me a second just to be alone, that would be nice," John mumbled, not even bothering on looking up to see me. I didn't move or say a thing and just kept frozen standing on the doorway. "Jesus Christ, Garrett. Just let me be for a moment," he said, looking up at me but the second he realized I wasn't Garrett, his face fell.

My mouth fell agape when I saw him. Tears were rolling down his cheeks and he looked like a complete mess compared to when I got here. His hair was flying in different directions and I could imagine him running his hand through it when he got frustrated or when he felt mad.

"That's where you're good at," I chuckled slightly, forcing a little smile. "Making people go away."

His mouth was left open and I could tell he was trying to find the right words to say but nothing came out and he hung his head low again and shook his head. This was something new. John O'Callaghan not knowing what to say. He always did. He said the wittiest and sometimes, the most absurd things ever. But now he didn't know what to say. He looked up back at me again and tried speaking again. "I-I c-couldn't… Never h-have I… I-I don't… I don't think I c-can…"

I shushed him, bringing a finger to my lips. "How about we get some air first?" I said, giving him a tight-lipped smile.

He nodded and pushed himself up from the floor. We went straight out of the door without paying attention to any of the guys sitting around. It was getting windy outside but it was still very bright, bright enough to make the both of us squint a little. I noticed that his eyes were puffy and he had looked like he'd been crying for a while. The tears on his face have dried up but he was still sniffling and there's no way you couldn't tell that he's been tearing up.

The wind outside did a much worse job on his hair. Any other person would say that he looked like a mess with it, but I always thought it looked great on him. His white shirt was a wrinkly mess and he wore black jeans that were torn on some places. He hasn't changed a bit in a year and a half.

The silence between us was killing me and I couldn't stand to be in it in a few more seconds. I stepped forward slowly. "Why'd you write it?" I finally asked, looking up at him.

He took one good look at me and stared into an open space. He sighed and opened his mouth. "I thought it was obvious," he gave a slight grin and dragged his gaze back to me. "Well if you haven't caught up to it yet, it's because I was a dick."

"Do you remember everything about that night?" I spoke quietly, crossing my arms.

"You don't forget just because you're drunk," he shook his head. "I've tried getting that drunk to the point where I couldn't fathom anything that happened around me, but that wasn't it. Yeah, I remember everything," he shrugged.

I nodded and looked down at my feet. I remember the multiple times that he has tried contacting me or the times he had went over to my house and stayed sitting on my front porch over night. I didn't return his calls and I didn't let him in. I didn't want to just let him in like that again. I already did, multiple times, but I tried hard to think I was done with him.

"Did you mean every word?"

"That night?" He asked, his eyebrows raising a little. I nodded as an answer and he breathed deeply. "Of course not."

"Then why did you say it in the first place?" I choked out. I was already on the verge of letting the tears go but I held my breath in when I stopped talking just to avoid crying.

He sighed and rubbed his forehead before staring straight into my eyes. "That night, I was so set on telling you that I liked you," he said slowly and quietly, but loud enough for me to hear every word.

My eyebrows shot up, surprised by what he just said. "That was a very interesting way of telling me you liked me," I said as a smile crept on my lips. My heart froze at that instant when the words came out of his mouth. He liked me.

"Let me finish first, please," he chuckled slightly, holding his hands than balling his fists and putting them on his sides. I stared at him in silence and waited for him to say something. "I wanted to tell you so bad how I felt, Daisy. And that night at that party, I didn't want to get drunk. I had a couple of beers and it was nothing I couldn't handle. But I saw you walk through that door and you looked stunning. God, do you have any idea how perfect you are? Jesus, you make me hate myself so much because I know that you don't deserve someone like me," he pointed at himself with both of his hands and raised his voice. "I saw you talking to some guy and you were laughing with him. He got you a drink and you seemed like you had so much fun with him. I thought about how far I am from the top with the list of guys that deserve you."

"You don't know what's right for me and what I deserve, John," I shook my head and looked down on the floor because I couldn't keep staring at him any longer without feeling like I wanted to sob.

"Give me a few more minutes to talk, please," he begged, putting his hands together and staring at me like he was already desperate to have me stop interrupting him. "Daisy, I've loved you for so long. I've loved you since fucking high school. I've had tons of girlfriends in that interval but I guess they were just there because I wanted to forget about liking you. I knew I shouldn't like you so I tried moving on with other girls."

"You loved me since fucking high school?! John, why the fuck didn't you-" I said, staring at him in disbelief. I've loved him from the start and he couldn't have said anything about it. I bowed my head again, thinking that I was already too weak to look up at him.

"Daisy, when I told you to let me finish, I meant that you should stop talking until I'm finished talking," he said, tucking a strand of my hair back on my ear and lifting my head up so that I would look at him. My vision was getting glassy and I knew that there was no way I couldn't stop the tears. "So I saw you having fun with someone else. I scrapped everything I had planned for tonight. I was supposed to take you somewhere we could talk and be alone but I decided to just do shots with the band."

I waited a few more seconds and when he didn't say another peep, I figured he was done. "Alcohol isn't the solution to everything, you know."

He nodded and grinned slightly. "I had to learn that the hard way the day after that night. But you were there and I knew that I was in over my head when I thought that I could ever be with you. I thought that once you got tired of being right here beside me, you'd just move on. So before you can leave me, I pushed you out."

"You didn't think that I should've had the last say on that?" My voice quivered and I felt a tear roll down my cheek. "If I was going to leave you eventually, I wouldn't have put you to bed every time you got drunk. I wouldn't have been there to tell you that you were okay every time you fucking puked on the toilet."

"What would've you said if I told you that night that I loved you?"

"John, I could envision myself saying that I loved you back," I breathed out, a chuckling slightly. "But you said what you said… And I couldn't face you after that. I'm sorry if I-"

"Don't say sorry. Please. You shouldn't have to. Everything was my fault," he shook his head. "I should be the one saying that. I want to tell you that I'm sorry. I'm really really sorry."

I smiled and wiped the tears off of my face with my sweat shirt. "I got the message very clear with the song."

"Liked it?"

"You placed a song for me in one of your full length albums. Who even does that?"

"It isn't the first song about you or inspired by you," he blurted out. I could see him blush slightly and the way he avoided my eyes.

"What?" I said, my eyes widening and my jaw dropping. "But I know that Daisy isn't about me because you weren't the one that wrote that."

"Yeah, I know. That wasn't about you," he said. "I think there are about three songs on Can't Stop Won't Stop, five on Black and White, three on In Darkness and this. You just have to listen to Pioneer if you want to know for the rest."

The corners of my lips pulled up to a smile and I stepped forward and wrapped my arms around his neck. I felt him slide his arms around my waist, lifting me several inches above the ground. He buried his face on my neck and I smiled, having missed him for a long time.

"I swear to God, John. The next time you push me out of your life, I'm not even going to listen to your albums or extended plays anymore to find out if you wrote a song about me."

"I'm not going to hurt you," he mumbled into my skin. "I'll try not to intentionally. And I know that some day, I would be worthy of your love. I'm not going to push you away. I'm… just… Fuck it. I love you." He put me down on the ground but quickly pulled me close to him so there was barely space between us. His arms snaked behind my back and he pressed his lips on mine.

My hands moved from his sides to around his neck. I pulled away after a few seconds, feeling a little lightheaded with the kiss. I didn't think that would happened, especially on this day. He sneaked another peck on the lips and I smacked him on his arm lightly and laughed. We went back into the studio and went to the room that looked oddly like a living room. There was only one person there and it was Garrett, fumbling with his phone. He looked up at us with his eyebrows raised. He was waiting for us to say something.

John tangled his hands with mine and we both grinned at Garrett. He sighed in relief and put his palm to his face.

"Well it took both of you some time!" Garrett said, looking at us with an irritated expression. "I was sandwiched into this fucking mess!"

"What's going on here?" Colby walked into the room together with the rest of The Maine. Their eyes were all stuck on my hand tangled with John's and they all had the same expression Garrett had. "Well shit. Just to let you know, we got everything we need for that fifth track. Thanks to you screaming this shit out of your lungs."

"That's my boy!" Jared teased, laughing and falling on the couch next to Garrett.

"Yeah. She's my girl," John said as he sneaked another kiss from me.