Coma Black

I awoke from my sleep, I glanced out the window, everything was a blur. My vision blurry but i could still see the the angelic blending of the sunset's colours. Then it hit me, hard. I choked up on the thought, i spun my head around to see my bed was empty, he was gone, Marilyn had left.
I threw the covers off of me and jumped out of my bed. I forced myself out of the sluggish sleepy routine and slipped into the closest pair of shoes. A simple pair of grey converse, worn out and torn at the edges. I leapt down the wooden stairs, skipping most of the steps, why hadn't he woken me up, he was probably already ha;f way across the country!
I ran to the front door, it's pale white paint reflecting the sunset's yellow gleam. It was beautiful, but i had no time to admire it. There wasn't anything i could do to stop him, or catch up with him... But i there i was, franticly running around like a panicked ant. I flung the door open and ran to the front of my lawn, i looked both ways down the street, I couldn't see him, or anyone.

This was it, I was alone now. My head dropped and i looked down to the floor, i turned and walked miserly back into my hollow shell of what had once been my home, now just an empty house where memories came to die.
I gently shut the door and slipped off my dirty old converse. I slumped down onto the leather couch, where Marilyn had sat beside me a night or two ago. The thought of this had brought tears to my eyes, i missed him already. I pulled my knees up to my chest and fell back, so that i could rest my head upon the thick leather cushions, not that it was comfy, that it as not!
I looked over to the table, to see if he had even left a note, but to my disappointment he had not, instead it was just empty beer cans and the small plastic bag which consisted of the items previously bought.
I brought myself to my feet and walked over to the table, scanning the movies, i didn't to watch any of them any more. I set them down on the kitchen counter, what do i do now? It felt as if when Marilyn left, he took all of me with him, I was just a shell of what once had been useful, or semi-useful.
I just stood there, for what must've been half an hour or so, not thinking of any one or anything, motionless. There was no one left of me, i was nothing, my phone rung abruptly, so much that i jolted at the sound. The ringtone echoing slightly, I walked over to the wooden table, pushing the cans out of my way and picking it up out of the mess that it had laid in. 3 missed calls, but not one of them from Marilyn, maybe he was still on the plane. I couldn't think, I looked back down at the half lit screen, who would call me of all people?
2 missed calls from Pogo and 1 missed call from an unknown number. I set the phone back down into the pile of empty food wrappers and beer cans.

I dragged myself over to the fridge and pulled out another beer, I was gonna get wasted one way or another, right? I poured the cold sweet yet sour drink down my throat, today was going to be long and lonely even as it was coming to an end. Roughly 3 beers later, i felt ill, stumbling around my empty house, knocking things over and tearing down whatever photos i had hung on my plain walls.
An anger built up inside me, but it wasn't the one i had come to love, it wasn't the one I'd get from wrecking a stage set with Manson, or when Marilyn would pin me down to the floor and not have it in him to punch him, and if he did punch me, he would smother me with kisses the same night. No, this what not that kind of anger, the one i loved. This was the anger that i feared. I threw my fist into the wall, not caring if i had left a dent in the wall, or if i had busted a knuckle. I forced my eyes shut and fell aggressively to the floor, sobbing and moaning loudly. Only to here my own cries travelling around my house, bouncing from wall to wall, there was no one to cradle me until i stopped crying, no one to comfort me, no one to tell me 'everything would be okay'.
I clenched my hands into fist and just threw them around, pound the floor repentantly, was this what i had come to? I pushed myself up and off of the wooden floor boards and staggered my way over to the small fridge, bending a little to see the contents of my fridge, no more drinks, shit.

As i turned to see the mess i had made, a small envelope had caught my eye, i shit my head up and ran to it, Marilyn had left a not for me, i knew he couldn't leave without doing so! To my surprise, it was not a note, in fact it was rent/bills. I scrunched the letter in my hand as i began to cry, again. Slamming the crumpled paper down onto the table and rushing towards the bathroom. I didn't want to throw up, but i did. This time, i had to tie my own hair back, everything i did, every move i made had some sort of link to Marilyn, it was driving me insane! I knew it shouldn't of, but it did, I'm a grown man for goodness sake!
I stood back up and walked cautiously over to the water marked mirror, a frown appearing on my face as i wiped ny face clean and washed my mouth, again. This was the first time i had done this alone. There was no one to run from and nothing to hide from, it was just me here. I pushed the tinted window open and sat on the edge of the window sill, kicking my legs up and down. The small area of wilderness in the park looked admirable, for that one moment, i had stopped thinking about Marilyn or about the act that i would be alone.
I wanted to slip out the window again, and run free, but something held me back, as if someone was holding my arm and pulling me back. I slipped back from the window and closed it, i pulled off my shorts and then my fish nets, scooping them up off the floor along with my leather trousers on the way out.
I was exhausted from picking up my own clothes, i looked up the stairs and sighed. I took a deep breath and pulled myself up the stairs with sheer will power, i walked sluggishly down the short hall way and stopped before entering my bedroom. I dropped my clothes on the floor and pulled my red shirt off. I walked out of my room, i didn't want to wear anything special, i hadn't yet decided if i was going out anywhere, but I'd just let my mind settle for it self.
I walked into the spare room, where Marilyn used to sleep whenever he stayed, well if he wasn't drunk passed out in any other place or he had decided to crash in my bed. I opened the small set of drawers and pulled out a pair of plain black shorts, this time they were longer and came just above the knee, a long sleeved black top, it was just plain black and a longer green over shirt, The shirt used to be Daisy's. After changing i walked back down the dusty set of stairs and slipped my feet back into the torn up converse and scooped my phone, rescuing it from being engulfed by the filth i had made with the rest of the band.
I walked out the pale white door that allowed me to enter this whole world, yet i still felt like there was no where to go, as if i still needed more space. I walked down the street, taking new twists and turns that i didn't even know existed. I found a small corner shop, quite a cute one too, it sold small 'trinkets' and other things. I slowly walked down one of the isles, looking through all the 'reasonably priced' items. they weren't cheap but they looked amazing. There was a small black necklace that stood out, every time i turned my head i would catch a glimpse of it. I finally decided i would look at it, it had a small silver bead hanging from it, i turned the bead over and there were small black markings, it looked like some mythical writing, but me being me, i probably wouldn't realise if it was foreign or just some elfish writing!

I really wanted to have it, but in a way, i would only find a way to link it to Marilyn and end up crying, so i decided against it. I strolled down the next small isle and picked up a drink, I didn't' want to get wasted again, i was still recovering from my previous 'piss-up'. I decided to get an energy drink, not that it would give me energy any way, but they tasted nice, and i hadn't had a genuine nice drink in a while.

After paying and leaving, i walked down a short dark alleyway and it led me to a small patch of woodland, thinking that this would lead me out to the park, i walked deeper into the woods, the sun dancing in and out of the leaves as i wondered further, it really did look amazing. I finally came to a clearing where i could see a few roads and a small quiet street, i wanted to turn and wonder the woods again, but it wouldn't be as good second time round. I strolled down the quiet street, looked around, these houses looked expensive.
I felt my phone vibrating from inside my pocket, i pulled it out and answered without bothering to check who it was that was calling, "Hey?" i called down the phone as i twisted the lid off the energy drink i had bought earlier. "Hello, twiggy?" a deep voice replied, "uh, hi" i answered, i couldn't identify their voice.

"Hey, I was just calling to- uhm....", there was a moment of silence. I still didn't know who the heck this was, maybe it was just the phone connection fucking up his, or her voice. "hello?" i asked, there was no answer. "Hello?!" i grew impatient, i shouldn't have but i did. "Hi, sorry, I was just calling to see if you're free this weekend" He answered. I immediately felt bad for raising my voice, "Yeah..." I paused, but this time there wasn't anything or anyone on my mind, i just paused... "Uh- yeah, yeah sure. I'm gonna be free for a while, probably" I gave a reassuring laugh, hopefully to male up for the impatience. "Oh, cool. Do ya mind if i visit then?" they asked, i wanted to ask who they were but i decided not to as i didn't want to offend them if they were that sensitive, i know i was. "Sure, you can come any time" I answered, i didn't know what to say, i just winged it and well, at least i would see someone new. Maybe.
"Thanks! That's awesome, so... Should i come today or is it too late?", "late?" i didn't understand... It's never too late to see someone, without realising he was referring to the time, Marilyn appeared, instantly, in my mind. It wasn't too late to call him, or visit him at the airport, even if he wasn't there, but i drowned myself in my own sorrow!
"Huh? Oh! No, no it's fine, I'm not even busy, come whenever you feel like it...you- you know where i live, right?" I quickly added before the silence became too long.
"Obviously i know where you live, I'll be there in 30, okay?" he laughed. I was far away from my house, i think i was lost, the sun was near setting competently, but regardless i lied and replied. "Yeah, I'll see you then." shortly after we said out goodbyes and hung up. I slid my small phone back into my loose pockets and swung myself around. Where the hell was i? I walked back down the 'fancy' street, past the small yet very cute shop until i came to the alleyway, it looked...unsafe. I'd much prefer to lock my hand with Manson's and walk down the alley as quickly as we possibly could, we would've giggled and comforted each other, not that Marilyn would've been scared.

I sighed, it was dark down there, it was unsettling, but i stepped into the shadows, i could feel my heart beat rising with each step that lead me further into the darkness. I kept my gourd up, increasing in speed every time i heard a noise, and finally, i had exited the alleyway, i was so relieved. I sighed, looking back to see a pitch black passage, it sent a shiver down my spine as i pressed onwards in attempt to find my way home. I could hardly manage to walk through a dark alleyway, it hadn't even crossed my mind that there were woods i had wondered through, but the thought of the woods excited me, and i wanted to go in deeper. I dragged my feet in the auburn leaves and kicked the dirt up, it danced through the air that still had the sun's tangy orange light flickering through it. I wasn't scared of this place, i pushed my back up against a tall tree, it still had few leaves left and some new blooming flowers. I took it all in, the wilderness, the fresh air and i closed my weak eyelids. It was nice not to cry for once. I had recently discovered that i had been breaking down at random for the last few weeks, even on tour! I gently opened my dull eyes and soft colours filled my sight. I wanted to smile but i couldn't bring myself to do it, instead i pulled my back off the tree and began walking back the way i had came, i didn't know for sure if i had taken the correct route, but it's not like i had cared in the first place.

After roughly 15 minutes of walking aimlessly through the woods i came back to a recognisable street, i had taken the wrong route home, but at least i knew where i was. i was at the other end of town! I walked out of the now darkened woods, not having the energy to walk all the way back to my carcass of a home, where i had shared few memorable moments with all my dearest friends, but the ones i remembered so vividly were the ones of Marilyn and I. I dragged myself to the nearest bus stop and took a seat on the empty red bench, it was freezing, but i couldn't manage to stand. I decided i would just take the bus back home, hopefully they ran this late. After a couple of minutes, an empty bus stopped and the doors screeched open, i pulled myself up the step and into the lifeless bus, directing the driver, I don't think he needed to be directed though. I pulled out the loose change of my pocket, struggling to hold it all, i felt worse now than when i had left my house, the thought of returning to that place made me want to run for the hills. The man looked up at me with sympathy, "Don't worry about it, I'm going past that street any ways" I looked up at him, "Thanks, really" i slumped my self down at the back of the bus and leaned my head against the scratched up and dusty window, and i closed my eyes.
The ride was nice, it was relaxing. I wanted to fall asleep and wake up in some sort of fantasy, where Marilyn and i could just embrace each other, without denying our feelings or being judged by the public or even our own band mates.

I fluttered my eyes open, we were at the end of my street, I heard the doors crash open and i forced myself out of the soft cushioned seat. The ride wasn't long enough, i thought to myself, i jumped down from the step, it was higher than i imagined this time round. I turned to thank the driver, but i didn't know what to say, instead we briefly smiled and waved. I began to walk down the street, the street lamps where ablaze now, lighting up the dingy street as i watched a small cat sprint across the road. Why would a cat stay in this part of town, if it wanted to, it could run far far away. I scraped deeper into my thought, any of us could run far far away if we really wanted to, we could do whatever we wanted. But every time we want to do something, we stop ourselves, we torment ourselves because we feel the need to. Why? I don't know, none of us really know why.

I lifted the dry bottle to my lips twisting the lid off and tilting the bottle back with my head, i fiddled with my pockets, trying to find me keys, i couldn't remember if i had even locked my door, Marilyn used to do that for me. I gave up rather quickly, walking past the spot where i had previously had a break down, in front of Brian. My heart felt heavier, I enjoyed being away from my house, because everything there was a part of Marilyn, and he took all that he had. It came to my attention that my unknown guest would be arriving soon, and i wouldn't be home to answer, I'd rather be with some sort of stranger than alone though. I picked up my pace and walked home, it was colder than i remembered it being. Nothing out of the ordinary, the door was unlocked and the place was it's same old mess. Should i have cleaned up a little? Yes, was i going to? No. Well, a little bit. I searched for a broom but failed, instead i just kicked all the trash to the corners of the room and sprayed some cheap air freshener to mask the stench of stale smoke and alcohol. I kicked off my grey shoes into the corner by the front door and sat down on the sagging leather cushions. I had re-discovered the laptop, the moonlight glistened on its silky black cover. I pulled it out from underneath the couch and placed it carefully on my lap. I opened the screen slowly, not sure what i was doing, i pushed the power button and watched the screen light up.

I saw the small advert for the vacation, it was a dead dream now. As if we would ever escape to my fantasy world. I moved the cursor over the tab and pressed on it, just a look of what could have been... The website loaded some truly amazing photos of the cabin during the spring time, i wanted to go there so bad! But i didn't want to go without Marilyn, i was being so selfish. I have Zim, Pogo and Ginger... Yet i still chased after the one man that didn't want me. If he had loved as much as he said he did in the cafe, then why did he leave? Why hadn't he left a note? Maybe this was typical Marilyn Manson 'Antichrist' behaviour, maybe he just lied the whole night so he wouldn't have to deal with my outrageous mood swings! My train of thought had gone way off track, i slammed the laptop shut and shoved it back under the couch, i brought my feet up onto the couch and sank into the hard leather cushions. Every time Marilyn uses me, i find myself hating myself then hating him for it, i allow myself to be used. And it killed me to come to that conclusion. I heard loud knocking on my door and i jolted. I jumped out of the seat, finally some one to fill the space that Marilyn had left. I strut over to the door and let down my dreads, trying to look the least bit presentable.

I swung the door open, I couldn't believe my eyes! It was him, not Marilyn, but that didn't matter! IT WAS HIM! It had been long since we had seen each other, or at least it felt like an eternity, despite the fact we were on tour just under a week ago! A smile spread on my snow white face and i threw my arm around his neck. "You happy to see me?" Daisy asked sarcastically!