Study of Life and Love

The clock ticked by slowly. There were five minutes to go and the lecturer didn’t seem concerned with stopping. Sighing I forced myself back to taking notes, my ears straining to hear something that would connect meaning to my brain but it wasn’t working. The more words she mumbled the less my brain took notice.

My eyes strayed to the clock again and I gave up, dropping my pen and sinking back against my chair, ready to ride the last few minutes with minimal attention paid.

Most people around me had started to pack, slowly, placing pens in pencil cases, closing laptop lids, picking bags off the floor. And others were just blatantly messaging on their phones. One girl at the back quickly slipped out the door.

“That’s all for today. We’ll be discussing this more in your tutorials so please read over the weekly chapters and come with questions ready.” Our lecturer had to yell over the ruckus as students grabbed bags, threw their stuff inside and stood up, chair seats closing up automatically behind them with a loud slap.

Voices got louder as everyone began moving out of the lecture room and I rushed to join the crowd leaving. Stifling a yawn I moved out of the double doors, rearranging my backpack so it didn’t nudge against any sensitive spots.

I stumbled over my feet when a few girls slowed down in front of me, my nose almost nudging against one girls back but I reigned myself in. She didn’t notice.

“He should not be allowed to wear a leather jacket. That is just unfair.”

I stared at the girl, confused as to why she had stopped a few meters in front of the doorway where people were still exiting. I moved around the girls, annoyed, as I tried not to get squashed and tripped while attempting to maneuver through the crowd. They all made walking in large groups look so easy.

“Indi!”

I looked around at the familiar voice and spotted Zayn across the hallway, leaning against the wall off to the side and out of everyone’s way. I stopped in the middle of the crowd amidst some curses and jostles. But I ignored them, much like the previous girls, and ogled how good Zayn looked in a leather jacket and tight jeans. His black shirt underneath the jacket hung long enough to see his tattoos. He should have look morbid in that much black but he pulled it off effortlessly.

I watched as his eyebrows rose and he gestured for to come closer. My mouth went dry when I noticed the two coffees in his hand. He had brought me coffee.

I hesitated before taking a step towards him instantly running into someone walking past. I apologised but they waved me off so I continued closer to Zayn, the few feet causing me pain as I was jostled and nudged until I eventually tripping right next to Zayn. His eyes sparkled in amusement.

“You look like a floundering fish out of water.” He commented smoothly, handing me a coffee cup.

“That’s exactly what I aim to look like every morning.” I assured him with heavy levels of sarcasm before taking a cautious sip of the coffee. It was hot chocolate. I was pleasantly surprised.

“Caydance said that you liked coffee but you preferred hot chocolate more.” He told me with a shrug.

“Oh is Caydance with you?” I look around the now almost empty hallway. The girls that had previously stopped me were glancing back with curiosity.

“Oh no, I actually texted her.” Zayn said. A small blush rose up his neck but refused to go any further.

I felt oddly touched that he went to that much trouble.

“So this is like an apology for the other day.” Zayn said. He stepped away from the wall and now towered over me. “For being nosy which you haven’t let me apologise for.”

I sighed and considered giving Zayn back the drink, but it was too good. “You don’t need to apologise Zayn. And you don’t need to buy me drinks to apologise either.”

“I know! Which is why this is only a sort of apology.” Zayn said hurriedly, a smile tugging at his lips. “It’s also a way to get you to hang out with me.” He let the smile spread, clearly proud of his plan.

“Why on Earth does this drink make me want to hang out with you?” I asked him. Perhaps a bit more harshly then I intended.

“You’re under obligations since you accepted it and then proceeded to drink half of it.” He offered up gleefully. “Come on, I thought we could go have some lunch.”

“I’m not going on a date with you.” I said. Still following him down the hallway anyway and out of the doors into the midday light.

“I never asked for this to be a date.” He said casually, catching me off guard.

“Oh,” I mumbled, frowning and letting him lead me through the campus, occasionally sipping down my hot chocolate.

It didn’t take long before I noticed that Zayn was leading me back towards the campus houses. Not to a restaurant or café.
“Why are we going to your house?” I asked pointedly as we entered the street. I slowed my steps, unsure as to what I was doing here.

“I told you, for lunch.” Zayn stopped and turned around to me, taking a couple of steps until he could grab my hand. I resisted his tug.

“Why does it have to be at your house?” I asked.

“Because my house is having a lunch with the other houses. And I thought you might be more comfortable with me if other people were around.” Zayn told me not seeming to mind that his statement was so utterly true.

I let him keep ahold of my hand, leading me the rest of the way to his house where loud music was coming from. He walked straight through the open side gate into the backyard where a large amount of people hung around. I wasn’t even aware how big the backyard of King’s actually was.

“Wait I thought you didn’t like Camden?” I asked Zayn in surprise when I noticed Caydance’s ex sleeping partner wander past.

“We don’t. But we kind of have to do this. Just because we personally hate Camden doesn’t mean that we hate everyone in his house. There are actually good guys in both Emmanuel and Cromwell house, but rivalry gets the better of us in competitions. So we still do this so it’s not all out war, all the time.” Zayn explained.

I was surprised by the modern thought that had gone into this. I assumed that all fraternity and sororities were just fraught with old outdated traditions and basically were a completely unnecessary system.

Zayn pulled me through the people around the yard and I allowed him, avoiding running into anyone as we made our way through. I could smell food cooking on a barbeque and could see smoke rising and there seemed to be a food table off to one side but Zayn was pulling me in another direction.

“Indi?”

I looked over and smiled hesitantly at Caydance who was chatting amongst other people. I didn’t want to pressure her into talking to me if she wanted to talk to others. I would never be as social as Caydance and most of the time it made me feel like I was wasting her time when she spent it with me.

“Did Zayn drag you here?” Caydance asked and I dropped Zayn’s hand to hug her. A small relief swept through my body now that his hand was gone, it was too disconcerting.

“Sort of.” I told her, taking a step back and trying not to wince when one of her hands brushed against a bruise on my side. “I got hot chocolate out of it.” I held up my now empty cup lamely and smiled.

“Oh that’s why he messaged me.” Caydance winked at Zayn who rolled his eyes and reached a hand out towards me.

“I can put your bag inside so you don’t keep carrying it.” He touched the strap on my shoulder and I quickly stepped out of reach.

“Uh I don’t know. I mean there’s things in here that I don’t want to lose.”

Zayn didn’t seem too phased about my brush off. “I’ll put it in my room and lock the door. No one can get to it.” He promised, holding his hand out this time, waiting for me to come to him.

I hesitated again before nodding and sliding the bag off my shoulder and dropping a strap into Zayn’s hands. He smiled like he won a war before disappearing off into the crowd.

I turned back to Caydance while she shared a mischievous smile with me.

“Don’t even say anything.” I warned her, staring around at the groups of people filling the backyard. I didn’t recognise anyone and I was tired from my class. I should not have followed Zayn so willingly.

“Don’t be sour. Come on and meet people.” Caydance gestured me towards the group she had been talking to but I was still weary. I wasn’t good at this.

“Indi.” Thea was in the group, smiling and waving for me to come over. I smiled politely back before turning between her and Caydance.

Accepting my fate I took the steps to follow Caydance into the group, they all easily separated to make room for us.

“Everyone this is Indi.” Caydance introduced and didn’t overload me with everyone’s names in return.

“How have your classes been going?” Thea turned to me; a genuine smile on her face and it was too hard to resist talking her. It made me jealous at how easy she could be social.

I chatted with her; actually curious about what she was studying, as she seemed curious about what I was. It took me awhile before I realised that Zayn hadn’t returned from dropping off my bag. My eyes began to wander in the conversation, looking around for Zayn. It was odd that he would bring me here just to leave me, right?

“Looking for Zayn?” Thea cut in halfway through her talk on infectious diseases and treatments for dogs.

“What? No?” I turned back to her, a warm blush in my cheek rising.

“He probably got accosted by one of his house mates. We could look for him if you wanted?”

“Not it’s fine. I mean it doesn’t matter. I’m sure he had other people to talk to.” I stumbled and probably didn’t sound as uncaring as I wanted.

“He brought you here though, that’s got to mean something.” She smiled at me, her eyes roaming the yard now. I sighed and turned my back to the majority of people in the backyard.

“I’m going to get a drink.” I murmured to Thea when I spotted the table not far from us that was littered with cups and alcohol. There were coolers underneath the table.

I bent down and grabbed a can of coke, checking to make sure it hadn’t been opened in anyway before opening it myself and taking a drink.

“Indi! I didn’t know you were going to be here.” I turned around directly into Harry’s awaiting arms. He pulled me in tightly, patting my back gently before taking a step back. I was rigid, shocked that he had touched me so easily but he didn’t seem to mine. Stepping and resting a hand on my shoulder, an ever present smile warming his face.

“Uh, Zayn brought me.” I told Harry, slowly letting my shoulder and arms relax. He still kept his hand on my shoulder.

“And he left you all alone?” Harry joked, laughter dancing in his eyes and I found myself smiling back. I always found myself smiling back at Harry when he joked at the station.

“Come on, I’ll show you around.”

I balked at the idea of meeting more people but Harry was already so close to me, an arm around my waist and he guided me through the crowd in the yard.

And I was so surprised how easy it was to smile and talk to people when Harry was at my side. He was this constant presence, never letting my waist go as he flawlessly introduced me with people and easily fell into conversation with them. And at any moment when it got too much he swept me along to someone else and he kept up the talking, all the time.

I was comfortable, standing here surrounded by all these people with him at my side.

“There you are. Harry did you steal my friend?” Caydance popped up next time. I was surprised at how easily she talked and smiled at Harry. I hadn’t seen them interact in ages; I was clearly missing some information. I noticed Zayn at her side, a frown on his features.

“You told Thea you were going to get a drink an hour ago.” Caydance continued and I looked, surprised, down at my watch. I hadn’t realised I had been with Harry that long or even at the party.

“Harry was introducing me to people.” I shrugged, feeling uncomfortable under Zayn’s stare. I stepped out of Harry’s grip; he seemed to have gone almost speechless since Caydance arrived. Maybe her actions weren’t such a surprise to me either.

“You disappeared.” I told Zayn, trying to seem uncaring as I stepped around Caydance so she could be closer to Harry.

“Louis made me do a few things. I thought you would be okay staying with Caydance.” He said softly, turning his entire body towards me. He was always intimidating the way his whole being seemed to pay attention to only one person. Like they became the center of his universe just for those few moments.

I took a hesitant step back, not wanting to be that close to his orbit. His eyes flickered down to my feet before schooling his features into nonchalance.

“Did you want to get something to eat?” Zayn asked smoothly. I nodded slowly and allowed him to move me towards the food. He never once reached out to touch me and I was grateful for that, even if I did feel open to the people around me without someone being so close.

There were a few barbeques set up and Zayn aimed straight for the one manned by a taller boy, his sandy brown hair was groomed upwards and his shoulders were broad. His body seemed in contrast to the gentle smile on his features and the shine in his eye while he talked to a shorter blond girl.

“Liam.” Zayn nodded gesturing me closer towards the two of them.

The blond girl turned around and I realised it was Riley, Caydance’s little sister. She smiled in recognition of me and for one terrifying moment she seemed to move forward for a hug but stopped herself at the last minute. Instead just bouncing on her feet in greeting. I smile back at her thankfully.

“Indiana this is Liam and Riley.” Zayn introduced us and I watched how quickly Riley flushed when Zayn said her name. I would wonder if she had a crush except it was obvious by how close she stood to Liam that Zayn was not who she had an eye on.

“Good to meet you Indiana.” Liam sounded so genuine as he gestured with his tongs at the food in front of him. “Sausage or burger patty?” He asked.

“Um sausage please.”

“White bread or whole meal?” Riley piped up.

“Oh uh whole meal.” I smiled at her and watched as Liam leant over to place a sausage on the bread spread out in front of her before I told her what else I wanted on top.

She squirted tomato sauce over the sausage before placing a napkin around the outside and handing it to me. I smiled in thanks and waited for Zayn to get his order.

“How come you don’t have jobs to do around here like the other house members?” I asked Zayn curiously, letting him lead me out of the backyard and to the front of the house. I watched him curiously as he took a seat on the gutter in front of the house but I shrugged and sat down with him anyway, taking a bite into my hot dog.

“I have a few jobs but not as much.” He shrugged.

“It is because you’re going to take over after Louis? Like Thea is for Sidney.”

“You only become leader when everyone votes. No one know who will be next after Lou.” Zayn said.

I stared at him before he smiled around the food in his mouth. “What?” He asked.

“So you’re telling me that picking house leaders is completely fair and you are not at all groomed for it?”

He flushed and shrugged guiltily. I snorted and took another bite.

“A couple of times a house vote has surprised everyone.” He muttered as if to protect his previous house members. I grinned into my hot dog and didn’t say anything.

“I’m not next though.” Zayn said after a short silence. “After Louis, it’s Liam next. Not me.”

I turned to Zayn surprised. “Did you want to be next?”

He snorted and shook his head. “Hell no. Louis might look like he has heaps of fun and goofs off but there is a whole lot of responsibility that comes with that job. He basically looks after everyone person in our house. You hear Caydance call Sidney Mum sometimes? She’s not exactly wrong there.”

I nodded, slowly beginning to understand how house systems worked.

“You need to have two years left. Louis and Sidney both have this year and next year before they leave. And I leave at the end of next year too. My degree was a year shorter than Louis’ so we will end up graduating together.” Zayn told me with shrug. “Liam will have two years after Louis leaves, same with Thea and they are both more than capable of handling their houses.”

I nodded at Zayn’s words. I had seen the way people reacted to Thea, even if she didn’t seem to realise it.

“This system is a whole lot more complicated then I thought.” I voiced.

“Not just some dumb frat boys huh?” Zayn grimaced, angrily taking another bite of his food. I watched him, amused; clearly this was a sore spot.

“Why did you join if you didn’t want to be seen as a frat boy?” I asked him. He just shot me a look and I nodded, already knowing the answer to this. “Louis.”

He nodded and finished off his food. I chewed mine some more, staring down the street at the houses around us. Some people were wandering around but I gathered that most people would be in the backyard of Kings right now. I wondered why Zayn wasn’t.

“I don’t think that.” I told Zayn, turning to look at him. “I don’t think you’re a frat boy.”

He grinned and gently nudged his knee against mine. I let him rest it there, finding I didn’t mind the warmth as it seeped through my skin.

We stayed there for a while longer, trading small talk with each other until the sun began to set.

“I should head back home.” I told Zayn, standing up and brushing imaginary dirt off my jeans. He looked like he was about to protest but instead nodded and lead me inside, through the front of the house this time.

“You can come up or stay down here if you want.” Zayn paused at the stairs, leaving the decision up to me. I decided to stay where I was and let Zayn go up and grab my stuff.

There was a cabinet across from the stairs that took up the whole wall. I wandered over to it and peered in curiously at all the awards and pictures on the inside. There were sports medallions and trophies, science and math awards, English competition award winning letters, photos of boys on teams, at swimming contests, with the elderly and even an old photo of a car wash. I smiled as I moved down the cabinet, curious to the history behind the house. They all looked so happy, belonging to something.

There was a crash and I jumped back from the cabinet in surprise as a few boys came hurdling up the hallway pushing me into the wall. I gasped in shock and pain and my legs collapsed from underneath me as I clung onto my side.

“Bunch of pricks!” I startled at Louis’ voice and I couldn’t push my shirt down quick enough to hide the bruise before Louis was on me.

“Indiana!” He skidded and knelt down in front of me, his hand hovering and his eyes worried. “Did they hurt you?”

Before I could protest he was already yanking up my shirt and staring at the large bruise sweeping my side. It was almost gone, a couple more weeks and it would be like it wasn’t even there and I wouldn’t have to worry about hiding it anymore.

“Holy shit. This could not have happened just then. Are you okay? Do you need to go to hospital?”

“It’s fine, I’m fine.” I pushed Louis’ hand away, embarrassed as I quickly pulled my shirt down to cover everything up. Louis didn’t say anything just continuously stared where the mark was. I felt shifty under his attention.

“Indi.” He began slowly, carefully, like he was speaking to a wild animal.

“Nothing Louis. Nothing is there okay. I am fine.” I told him forcefully, moving to get off the ground.

“What happened?” Zayn was at the bottom of the stairs, my bag on one shoulder.

I quickly scrambled to my feet, Louis rising with me and placing a hand on my shoulder when I almost lost my balance. “I’m fine.”

“Are you sure? Why were you on the ground?” Zayn stepped closer and he wasn’t going to drop this without a good reason.

“Couple of the Emmanuel guys came running through, knocked into her and she fell.” Louis explained slowly, his eyes narrowed in on me. I was too grateful for his excuse to worry about his calculative expression.

“I’m fine really. Barely a bump.” I smiled at Zayn. “I’m always clumsy, the wind can sometimes knock me over, I swear.” I forcefully laughed but it fell flat to everyone’s ears. Zayn weakly smiled and I reached forward to take my bag from him.

“If you’re sure you are okay?” Zayn seemed to direct this question more to Louis, who nodded slowly. Seeming to snap out of his haze and actually smiled this time.

“Well I better get home before it get’s too dark. I’ll see you both around.” I pushed through both boys quickly, ignoring Zayn’s call. I didn’t want to hang around long enough for someone to offer me a walk home.

I didn’t stop as I made my way down the street and towards my dorm. I didn’t stop until I was halfway there and no one else was around before finally leaning against the closing building.

I gasped in a quick pained breath and lifted up my shirt to stare down at my side. It felt like it was throbbing with pain and I gingerly ran my fingers down the colours. I hope it didn’t make the bruise worse; it was already taking longer then normal for them all to fade away.

I made it back up to the dorm with no more hassles and quickly scuffled inside, craving a warm shower and my comfortable bed. I hesitated when I realised CC was talking into her laptop. She shook her head and waved me in. I quietly shut the door and moved around taking some stuff and immediately jumping in the shower. The warm water rushed down my skin and soothed my tensed muscles. I gingerly touched my bruise again before climbing out and wrapping myself up in warm clothes.

“Hey sorry about that. Just had to catch up with the family.” CC smiled at me when I came out. “Where have you been?”

“Oh I went to a King’s house barbeque thing.” I told her, throwing my dirty clothes into a hamper below my bed. I needed to do some washing soon.

“Zayn invite you.” She grinned at me, rolling onto her stomach and resting her chin in her propped up hands.

I flushed under her attention. “So do you have siblings or?” I gestured to her now closed laptop.

“Yep, two older sisters. I’m the baby of the family, but I don’t mind.” She said. “What about you? Any siblings? I don’t really see you talking to your family much.”

I hesitated, instantly regretting this change of topic. But CC sat there so genuine and curious and she was always so open and honest with me. She knew things that I had never told Caydance who was the closest person I could call a best friend.

“I had a sister.” I murmured, climbing onto my bed.

“Had?” CC asked softly, understanding that this was going to be a difficult subject.

“Her name was Rose.” I turned so I could pull up the side of my shirt, facing the bruised side away from CC. Instead she got a full view of a tattoo that had been inked from my hip all the way up to my ribs where a red rose bloomed, spreading across the side of my boob. Along two of the thorns, midway down my side, were two different dates. The top one was the date she was born and the bottom date was when she died.

“There was a car accident. My Dad was driving and I was in the backseat and CC was in the front passenger. It was raining, had just started to pour down when we left the shop. It got harder to control the car then something jumped out in front of us. Some type of animal. Anyway Dad hit the brakes but he lost control. We crashed into a tree and a branch smashed through the window and impaled my sister. She bled out while we were unconscious.” I almost cringed how emotionless my voice was as I told CC the basic facts. I was so used to hearing this story told that it became someone else’s story. Like I had no connection to it.

“I’m sorry Indi.” CC eventually whispered, her eyes sad in the light. I shrugged and climbed under the covers, settling into the warmth.

“Shit happens.” I turned my back to her, stewing on the reason why I had told her and no one else.

-

“You disappeared with Zayn pretty quickly yesterday.” Caydance mentioned from her desk chair. I hummed in response while absently drawing small pictures into the corner of the page I was taking notes on.

“Indi.”

I looked up at Caydance in expectation, noticing the narrow eyed glare she was sending me.

“What?” I asked.

“Are you and Zayn, you know?” She asked.

I rolled my eyes. “No of course not. Why would you ask that?” I grumbled out, focusing back on the textbook in front of me, my feet kicking against her cushions from where I was sprawled along her bed.

“Do you at least like him because he likes you Indi, like really likes you.”

“I’ve already told Zayn that we aren’t dating and that we won’t be dating.” I cut in before she could carry on anymore. I felt uncomfortable now, under her scrutiny.

“Why not? He’s a nice guy.” She ventured further.

I was saved any further judgment from her when Thea stopped in Caydance’s doorway, a smirk settled across her face.

“Are you wearing the jumper Harry gave you? I can’t believe you kept that.” She leant in the doorway.

I turned, gaping at Caydance who flushed as red as her hair.

“Oh my God. You like him!” I accused her. She flushed and turned back to her books at the table, tugging on the wrists of Harry’s jumper. I hadn’t realised how big on her it was until now.

“Do you sleep in it?” Thea further teased coming to sit next to me on the bed.

“I don’t know why you insist on denying it Caydance. You clearly like him.” I said, enjoying our roles being reversed.

“Because he’s a freshmen.” Caydance mumbled, turning to look at us. Her arms crossed defensively over the jumper.

“That is not a good enough excuse.” Thea countered.

“Why not? Okay he’s a freshman he’s going to want to be at Uni and sleep around and go to parties and just have fun. And that’s great I get that because I’ve been doing it since I got here.” Caydance was gesturing wildly and I noticed the sadness in her eyes. “But I don’t want to just sleep around anymore. I want an actual serious relationship where we sleep in the same bed without having sex and actually talk about our futures with each other in it. I want all that crap that comes with long term relationships.”

I stared at Caydance in shock. I had realised that she didn’t seem as flirty with boys as she usually did. And she wasn’t going home with anyone at parties either.

“Ever think that maybe Harry might want the same thing? Not all frat boys are those type of frat boys.” Thea responded with a small smile.

I thought back to Zayn’s words yesterday. Thea was right, not all frat boys were assholes. Not all males in general were uncaring. Zayn, for example, he was good at making me feel safe.