Status: Very Active

Study of Life and Love


I snuggled down further into the blankest cocooning me. My body ached and I gladly stretched my legs further down the bed before burying my nose into my pillow. Breathing deeply, I scrunched my nose up at the different smells that assaulted me.

I slowly opened my eyes, only to quickly slam them shut when the sunlight peaking into the room made my eyes water. My brain pounded harshly against it’s casing and I just wanted to fall back asleep.

Except I couldn’t fall back asleep because the small slither that I had seen of the world showed me that I was not actually in my room. Trying not to groan out loud, I peered over the edge of the blanket pulled tightly under my neck. My eyes fought to stay open while I peered around the room.

The bed I was on was a double and the only bed in the room. The comforter was a dark blue and the sheets I had pulled up higher were a deep black. There were drawings plastered on the wall where the bed sat. Sketches done in a dark shade of pencil, some graphite, of anything. There were drawings of cartoon characters, people made into characters, a detailed drawing of the King’s house as well as the Great Lake. There was one depicting a family full of girls and another of a dog. The wall was full and I wanted to spend my day just searching through them all but there was a noise from another room, pulling my attention.

I glanced across to the second door in the room. One I assumed was the exit and the other a bathroom. I nervously stared around the room trying to find some clue to where I was. I couldn’t remember anything and I didn’t notice anything obvious in the mess of blankets and pillows on the ground.

I moved to get out of bed, at least hoping to be standing when I met the person in the other room, when I noticed I wasn’t I my own clothes. My eyes widened at the boxer shorts and baggy black t-shirt hanging over my pale frame. I quickly pulled the sheets back up to cover me probably. Had someone changed me last night?

What if something had happened? I don’t even remember anything from the party except drinking. What if someone drugged me? How can I not remember anything? Something must have happened. I could feel the tears prick in my ears and I hastily looked around for any of my clothing from last night.

One door opened, I squeaked in surprise, shrinking back into the pillows behind me, only to sigh in relief when I realised it was Zayn walking in, carrying a towel that he was ruffling through his hair.

“Hey, you’re awake.” He said, throwing his towel into the opened doorway of the bathroom and continuing further into the room.

I tried to calm my heart rate before I realised that I was still in someone else’s bed and in someone else’s clothes. Fuck I don’t even remember being with Zayn last night let alone going any further. I could feel my breaths becoming quicker and the pounding of my heart echoed through my head.

“What’s wrong? You look pale.” Zayn frowned and moved towards me, lifting his hand to rest against my forehead and I hated how I flinched. Zayn narrowed his eyes at me.

“Did we uh — you know?” I waved my hand at his bed before pulling it back under the sheets, not meeting his eyes.

“What? No, of course not. You were drunk Indi! I’m not actually a jerk.” Zayn growled out, insulted.

I slowly looked up at him, doubtful that absolutely nothing had happened. He rolled his eyes and gestured angrily at the mess on his floor.

“I slept on the ground last night. Hence the makeshift bed.” He kicked out at the mess of blankets that I now realised was actually a bed. “God how horrible do you think I am?”

He was pissed off, tugging on the strands of his still damp hair and not meeting my eyes. His shoulders were stiff as he began to pace the room, pretending to look for something.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t think you would I….” I trailed off, not sure what to say.

He sighed and slumped down into the chair at his desk. Spinning it so it was facing me.

“You were drunk off your face Indiana. I would never force myself or try to convince you to do anything while you were like that. You were too drunk to go home with CC and Caydance had already passed out here and we couldn’t find Thea anywhere to see if you could stay with them so I offered my bed.”

I felt guilty the more Zayn talked, I twisted my hands together, feeling like a small kid. Zayn had been trying to look after me and I had shoved it back in his face by accusing him of rape.

“I didn’t change you either,” he added on. “CC came up and changed you and helped you into bed while I stayed out of the room. I swear.” He looked up at me so earnestly, begging me to believe him.

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to accuse you. I just can’t remember anything and I didn’t know where I was and I’m sorry.” I quickly rambled out, moving closer to the edge of the bed but not daring to step out of it. I didn’t know how well my legs were covered or even my arms. I didn’t know how many bruises were visible.

“It’s fine.” Zayn said. “You were pretty drunk. I had to carry you up the stairs. You can’t hold your alcohol really well can you?”

I blushed darkly and looked away from Zayn. “I don’t really drink often and if I do it is certainly not that much. I’m going to kill Caydance and CC for encouraging me.”

Zayn laughed quietly before standing up. “You can go for a shower if you want? I’m going to go down and grab some breakfast for us. The towels are in the cupboard and I left a pair of sweats and a shirt of mine in there as well.”

I nodded and waited until Zayn left before climbing out of his bed. I stumbled across the ground, my head still dizzy and pounding. I held my hands out and tripped over his blankets before reaching the bathroom and gladly shutting the door behind me. I rested my head against it briefly, willing the pain to go away before straightening up and going to stand in front of his half frosted mirror. I wiped some more frost away and stared at my mess of hair and the dark smudges of eyeliner decorating under my eye.

I looked like a mess and I stunk like old alcohol. I wrinkled my nose and began pulling the clothes off my body, leaving them folded neatly in the corner of the bathroom. I avoided the mirror while I was naked, grabbing a towel from the cupboard and throwing it over one glass shower wall before gladly climbing into the shower and turning the water on as hot as I was comfortable with.

I sighed in relief when I felt the stickiness of my hair wash out. The fresh feeling against my face before I began snooping in Zayn’s shower looking for shampoo and body wash. I stared in surprise at all the products. I didn’t even have this many options at home.

There were at least three different types of bottles for shampoo and two different conditioners. One you apparently used once a week. I stared at the selection in confusion before just grabbing any shampoo and lathering it into my hair.

I raided the rest of his products before washing it all out and turning the shower off. I shivered where I stood but felt cleaner and fresher then when I woke up. I grabbed the towel to wrap around my self before stepping out of the shower.

My left foot got stuck on the step and I tripped, falling forwards and banging my hip into the sink.

“Fuck.” I screeched out, resting my head on the mirror and groaning in pain.

“Shit Indi, are you okay?”

I looked up in shock when Zayn slammed the door open, eyes wide as he peered around the room like he was looking for a monster.

I pull the towel closer around my body and rushed forward to slam the door. “Get out! Get out.” I quickly yelled, slamming my back against the closed door and blushing heavily.

“I’m sorry, sorry. I didn’t see anything. I swear.” I could hear the laughter in his voice, which made my own glare falter and a small smile flit across my face.

“Seriously Malik?” I growled through the door before quickly drying myself and grabbing the clothes he left me.

He was sheepish when I came out, his eyes not meeting mine but he held out two tablets and a glass of water in surrender. I rolled my eyes but gladly took what he offered.

“I brought you toast, I wasn’t sure what you wanted so I grabbed a variety.” I looked over to his desk where he had probably brought every variety of spread from the kitchen downstairs. I stared perplexed at the three different bottles of Jam, Peanut Butter, Vegemite and Marmite. There was honey and two bananas sitting behind the bottle with a tub of butter next to that. There were six pieces of toast and two mugs that already had water inside with sugar, tea, coffee and two jugs of milk.

I laughed delightedly and reached to grab what I wanted. Indulging in the bright smile Zayn shot me while he waited for me to choose. I felt a flutter in my stomach.

We finished breakfast in Zayn’s room before I helped him take everything downstairs and into their kitchen. I was met with a mop of curly hair whose hand patted me on the head before pushing out of the kitchen.

I turned back around to be faced with tubs and tubs of butter covering the island in the King’s kitchen. I paused, bewildered as two boys were stacking more.

“Are you all done now Zayn? We need you.” Louis pushed between the two of us with two more grocery bags full of butter in his hands. “We made Harry get rid of Caydance before we starting pulling it out.” Louis shot me a skeptical look.

“Indi won’t tell anyone.” Zayn said. He placed down our dirty plates in the sink and took the tray still full with food from my hands. “Will you?”

“I’m not sure what I’m not supposed to say? I have no idea why you would possibly have any of this.” I said, watching Harry and another younger blonde haired boy walk past me with two more bags each. A few more boys entered the kitchen and began helping unpack before Louis sent them out the back to the car.

“Good we need to keep it that way then. Sorry Indiana, but Zayn is going to have to escort you out.” Louis said brusquely, ordering a few more boys around.

“Sorry love.” Zayn pulled a face at me before gently leading me to their front door. “I would walk you home but Lou needs me.”

I waved Zayn off, stepping out of the front door and blinking into the bright sun. “It’s fine. I can handle the walk home by myself Zayn.” I teased feeling more comfortable and loose around him then I ever had before. Maybe it was because I knew what his bedroom looked like, how his sheets smelled and the array of breakfast choices he had brought for me. Maybe most of all I felt comfortable because I had realised that I could actually trust Zayn.

I made my way back to the dorms, a small smile playing on my lips the whole way back. I felt like I was almost floating, each step lighter then the last until I was surprised that I was even meeting the ground at all as I walked. I debated how long I could stay in the clothes Zayn had lent me before someone began to ask questions. I figured if I went to the radio station like I planned to, Nick would be on me in a second.

I closed the door to my dorm behind me and shot Cecile a greeting, as she lay splayed across her bed. She sat up quickly, her long dark legs crossing under her body.

“You’re back.” She said obviously. “Did you have fun with Zayn?”

Her tone was neutral, no trace of teasing and I was thrown off. Expecting her to start needling me about what had gone on.

“It was good. He slept on the floor and brought me breakfast.” I told her, throwing my clothes from last night into my laundry pile, making a mental note to do some washing tonight. I began searching through my wardrobe when I realised that Cecile had stayed quiet, her eyes burning a hole into my back.

“Is everything okay with you?” I turned to ask her, a pair of jeans in one hand and a black and white kimono jacket in the other. I moved towards my drawers to grab a shirt.

“I had to change you last night when we put you to bed.” Cecile said.

“I know, it’s okay, Zayn told me so I wouldn’t think it was him.” I shot her a smile of my shoulder before cheering internally when I found a plain white top at the bottom of my drawer. I wrestled it free, distracted until Cecile’s words finally crashed down over me. I paused from where the shirt had come free before I turned to look at Cecile, my body stiff and cautious.

“Can I ask you something?” She had tears in her eyes, her hands trembling where they tried to rest calmly in her lap.

“We should just drop this.” I said firmly, taking a step towards our bathroom. I felt a sickness work its way into a spiral in my stomach, knotting and unknotting, I felt like I was going to vomit.

“Are you hurting yourself?” Cecile asked.

I paused, almost making it through the bathroom door before slowly turning around to look at my dorm mate. She was standing now, at the bottom of her bed, chewing on her lip while her hands twisted nervously in front of her. I almost wanted to lie.

“No, I’m not.” I said without wavering. Our eyes met and her shoulders drooped.

“I don’t know what’s worse.” She whispered out, sounding utterly broken. I wavered on the spot, my hip falling to rest against the side of the bathroom door. “Someone else is doing this to you?” She sounded shocked, horrified, like these types of things only happening in movies or to other people Things like this always happen to other people, never to the ones you know.

I wanted to tell her that it wasn’t uncommon and that 23.3% of women report domestic violence at some point in their life. One in twenty women are the victims of violence. I wanted to tell her that almost half of all women experience violence from the age of fifteen. I wanted to tell her that I don’t hate him. I don’t hate him and that he wasn’t always like this. And when he’s sober he is sorry. He is so sorry and I won’t forgive him, I can’t, but I don’t hate him.

But I couldn’t tell her this because the way her face frowned and her eyes narrowed with tears waiting to spill from the corners and I knew. I knew she would want me to do something, to tell someone but I was handling this, I had been for a long time now. And I was almost done. I was so close to graduating and them I would be done and gone and I needed to do this myself.

“Indi.” Cecile took a tentative step towards me but I shook my head and took a step back into the bathroom.

“No.” I said sternly. “Just no okay. This didn’t happen, you didn’t see anything and we are going to forget this conversation happened.” I snapped at her, slamming the bathroom door shut before angrily throwing the clothes in my hand across the room, holding in the scream that wanted to tear through my body.


“You’ve been quiet today.”

I looked up as Nick rolled a stool to my side, leaning his chin on my shoulder while I slowly scrolled through the songs we had lined up. I shrugged and looked back towards the screen. Nick had been surprisingly quiet and gentle today, his hangover from last night probably the cause of him wearing sunglasses inside.

“Someone might have told me that you stayed at King’s last night, in a certain dark haired, strong jawed frat boys room.”

I shot Harry a frustrated look. He quickly looked away from where we sat and pretended to be focused on the record sleeve in his hand. He slowly began to hum like he hadn’t been trying to listen to our conversation at all.

“Zayn was a perfect gentleman and slept on the floor. I’m not upset because of him.” I waved Nick off. But he just smacked his large hand down onto the table next to me in triumph.

“But you are upset.” Nick grinned like it was cause for celebration. I rolled my eyes and pushed on his shoulder so he and his stool began to roll away.

“I just had a fight with CC s’all.” I murmured, feeling cold just thinking about it.

Nick frowned, obviously sensing more then a fight was wrong but he leant forward and placed a kiss to my cheek before ruffling my hair and standing up.

“You’ve always got me as a friend, Indi my love.” He announced obnoxiously before disappearing back into the recording booth where Ed had already begun talking. I laughed and glanced over to Harry who was watching me curiously.

“Dobber.” I accused him and laughed when he flushed a bright red and looked ashamed of himself.

I shook my head but patted the now vacant stool beside me and gestured for Harry to join me in fixing the playlist that Nick had done the other day. He was a good DJ but at times his laziness kicked in and it shone through with his choice of songs. I always made sure to go over his music list especially when he had been partying the night before.

I sat there with Harry for the next hour while the radio show continued. We chatted about everything that came to mind, both of us keeping away from deep conversation and I realised how much Harry was not checking his phone constantly like he had been since him and Caydance had started dating. He kept conversation away from Caydance and I kept the conversation far away from Cecile and Zayn.

Harry nudged me when I began packing all my stuff back into my bag. I glanced towards him to see him nod his head towards the front door.

I turned and stiffened when I saw Cecile there, holding out three blocks of chocolates in front of her, almost in an offering, her face hesitant.

“I was going to sit in the Great Court and study for a bit if you wanted to join me and sketch or something?” Her voice was small and I hated that I made her worry. Last night shouldn’t have happened but she was making an effort now to move on.

“Sure.” I forced the biggest grin I could and knocked on the window to the recording booth to wave to both Ed and Nick before yelling out a goodbye to wherever Harry disappeared to.

She handed me a block of chocolate with a large smile spreading her cheeks. I accepted the chocolate and followed her out the door and over two buildings into the great court. She made a beeline for a large tree and settled herself down under it. I fell down next to her, letting my back rest against the bark of the tree behind us, the breeze call as it swept by us.

Cecile was mostly quiet, pulling out a textbook and notebook almost instantly, flipping to a certain page in each and beginning to take notes. I frowned and hesitated when I reached for my sketchbook. I wanted us to both be okay.

I nudged my shoulder against hers to grab her attention before smiling small, hoping that it didn’t look as fake as the last one I had done. Her expression seemed to shift, unease in her eyes before a tiny smile slipped out, her eyes brightening up as she nudged me back.

Feeling satisfied with her reaction, I pulled my sketchbook out completely and flipped through the last few sketches I had started but hadn’t finished yet. Nothing jumped out, so I settled to a new page and looked around the Court, hoping for some type of inspiration.

We were there for over an hour. Cecile reading beside me, occasionally breaking off a piece of chocolate to hand to me before eating one herself while I sat there slowly sketching out the carvings on the sandstone of the Great Court. They were intricate and clearly had meanings behind every Latin word and picture.

I saw Zayn walking out of one of the Great Court buildings at one point. His black bag slung over one shoulder while he smiled at the boy walking beside him, both seemed intent on their conversation. I glanced away and focused back on the sketch in front of me, forcing my hand to gently flick the page, highlighting areas and shading others.

Cecile had to leave, her class starting soon. I was too comfortable, stuck in my own little world and my headache had almost disappeared. So I stayed where I was, wiggling around to ease the ache that had begun in my back.

I jumped when a bag was dropped next to where I sat, a subway bag next to that.

“Eaten yet?” Zayn fell down, next. He eyes the empty chocolate wrappers left next to me before reaching in and pulling out a six-inch sub. “I ran into Cecile and she told me what you liked.” He explained when I opened it up to see all my favourite salads sitting with the meatball and mayonnaise sauce.

“Thanks. I can pay you back.” I said, reaching for my bag.

Zayn waved my hand off. “You can shout next time,” he said simply. He unwrapped his sub and settled on his back next to me, seeming happy just to sit in the silence.

I looked back at my drawing, calculating what I needed to change, and where I needed to shade it darker. I could feel Zayn looking over my shoulder, his breath warm against my ear.

“I saw the drawings on your wall.” I commented to Zayn, turning towards him as he flushed a light pink.

“They’re just little drawings I do sometimes, nothing like yours.” Zayn motioned to my sketchpad before he shoved another bite of the sandwich into this mouth.

“Can I draw you?” I asked. Keen to finally have everything I needed to draw him without relying on memory.

He paused, mouth around his sandwich, while his eyebrows pulled together.

“I suppose.” He said, pulling his mouth away and into a frown. “If you really want to.”

I quickly flipped to another page in the book before he changed his mind.

“Do I need to sit a certain way or be still?” Zayn asked, shuffling consciously on the ground.

“Just keep eating or doing whatever, I don’t need you to be still it just helps if you’re here so I can get a better angle on your features.” I murmured, already pushing my half eaten sandwich to the side and pulling out a new pencil to sketch with.

It was slow at first, as I constantly looked back up at Zayn making sure the cheekbones were sharp enough, the eyes round enough and the hair dark enough. I angled his chin, fixed his lips and slowly began to frame the eyelashes.

“You’re really good.” I looked up to see Zayn staring at the sketch from the other side. I couldn’t remember the last time I needed to look up at him, already finding his image burned into my brain.

“Well it helps if the subject I’m drawing is perfect.” I teased, looking down at the sketchpad before back up to Zayn.

He was much closer, his eyes zeroed on mine and I felt my smile falter, my heart rate picking while Zayn glanced towards my lips then back again.

He pushed forward, his right hand coming up to cup my face, his thumb brushing along my bottom lip. I flinched away from his touch, my heart beat beating thunderously through my head and I felt nauseas.

“I uh, I need to go.” I murmured, not meeting Zayn’s eyes and fumbling for my bag and book.

I didn’t look at Zayn and he stayed silent until I moved to stand. His hand wrapped around my wrist making me pause and turn to stare at the way his fingers looked against my pale skin.

“Wait, sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. Fuck Indi, I’m so sorry. Can we just forget that?” Zayn pleaded, letting go of my arm when I raised my eyes to meet his. His bottom lip was pulled between his teeth, eyes wide and slightly red. He looked seconds away from breaking down and I immediately felt ashamed.

I had been flirting back. I knew I had been flirting back and I didn’t want to lead him on. I should have known better.

“Zayn I can’t.” I began. His hand quickly came up to press against my mouth, stopping more words.

“It’s okay. I didn’t mean to push my feelings on you. Can we please just forget that? I don’t want to stop talking to you because I did something stupid.” His words were rushed, like he needed to get them out before I ran.

I stared down at my bag and book that were curled in my hand, ready to go. I knew I shouldn’t have hung around Zayn for so long. I should leave now, before it gets any worse.

“Okay.” I said, aware of the tingles that spread around my wrist and across my bottom lip.
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Hey guys so Christmas is fast approaching and I usually write something for it like last year I did a story where I updated every day! Except I'm not sure if I wanna do that this year or if I even have any inspiration but I was just wondering if I did writing a Christmas story would anyone be keen to read it? People haven't been commenting as much as they used on this site anymore so I'm not even sure if people still read my stuff?? So just let me know what you guys think or if you have any ideas on Chrissy stories that you want me to do! xx