Study of Life and Love

Caydance was still and silent next to me while we waited in line. I felt tense and uneasy. Going out tonight, while Caydance was hurt, wasn’t what I had wanted to do with my night. But I couldn’t let her go by herself and make mistakes that I knew she would regret. Or worse get hurt by a decision she wasn’t sober enough to make.

The line moved quickly and we weren’t held back, being females gave us one positive in the club scene, we were generally allowed in at all times, no matter what we were wearing.

The music was loud, beating through the blood in my body while Caydance headed straight for the bar. I stuck with her in the crowds of swerving bodies and watched, amazed, as she grabbed a barman’s attention with five seconds of waiting. I was in awe, the group of girls beside us, however, looked annoyed.

Caydance kindly remembered that I was with her and ordered a drink for me before downing three shots in a row and sliding one towards me. I sighed and took the shot, happy to at least have a buzz to get me through the night most likely alone and watching Caydance from afar.

I was surprised when a familiar voice came from my right.

“Best friend duty, huh?” Louis was already shouting over his drink order to the lady on the other side of the bar. She shot him a wink and began grabbing two glasses.

“What are you doing here?” I asked him while watching Caydance accept a dance from a stranger and barely spared me a backwards glance.

“Same as you.” Louis yelled over the music, his head nodding to where I could make out Liam and Niall working their way into the middle of the dance floor. “Best friend duty.” He said again.

I sighed and tried to find Caydance in the crowd but she was long gone.

“Here,” Louis thrust a drink into my hands, I blinked down at the glass before cautiously taking a sip, it was sweet, really sweet and I couldn’t taste a lot of alcohol so I drunk some more.

“Thanks.” I murmured and allowed Louis to pull me away from the bar over to the other side of the club where couches were spread out randomly around the area. People were sporadically sprawled on the couches, some looked almost asleep, others resting their feet. In a few dark areas I could make out writhing bodies and small gasps. I quickly averted my eyes and followed Louis to a couch that was unoccupied.

“What’s wrong with Niall and Liam?” I asked Louis, assuming that they, like Caydance, had an aim to get drunk and forget about everything tonight.

“You Grace girls like always.” Louis half-smirked around his cup. “Liam is upset over that little blonde fresher of yours who apparently thinks all he wants is to sleep with her. And Niall and Sidney broke up today.”

I turned wide eyes on Louis. “What, they did? I didn’t know that!” I hadn’t seen Sidney all day, she hadn’t been there for dinner but that wasn’t necessarily uncommon, she would spend a couple nights a week in the library, probably all the nights if we let her. “What happened?”

Louis shrugged. “Niall didn’t say much, I think they got in an argument probably about how much she’s studying. I know he’s been feeling a bit left out by her.”

“It’s what she does.” I shrugged. “She studies all the time, I’m surprised that she left herself get into a relationship in the first place. You have noticed that she’s never really dated before, right?”

“I know.” Louis grumbled. “I’ve been listening to Niall fucking talk about her for the last three years, pining from afar and now that she finally gave him a chance, he’s reduced to this.” He waved his hand vaguely to the dance floor.

“He liked her for that long?” I asked surprised, I had never noticed the way Niall looked at Sidney until this year.

Louis scoffed and rolled his eyes. “Niall’s too laid back, always good at keeping out of things with meaning.”

We lapsed into silence, I sipped on my drink and watched the mass of writhing bodies, wondering if I should fight my way through them all to try and find Caydance. Or maybe just check the bar. She was alarmingly quiet on the way here and I knew that she was still hurting from Harry but she refused to talk about it.

“What about you and Alston? Are you guys dating?” Louis asked nonchalantly, despite his calm voice, his posture was stiff and his eyes wouldn’t meet mine.

I watched him pick at the label on his beer bottle before answering. “We’re just friends.” I said. “I don’t see him like that.” I blushed darkly as Louis’ eyes snapped up to scrutinize me.

I shifted under his gaze, not liking the silence that had now fallen, not while he looked at me like that.

I changed the subject to classes easily enough. Louis fell into comfortable chatter with me, his eyes occasionally roaming the room and pausing on different groups of people. He would wave, occasionally, at someone he knew, but no one ever came directly over to us. I felt like I was stopping Louis from mingling and talking to people just because this wasn’t normally my scene.

“You don’t have to stay with me, you know.” I cut in to Louis’ rant about the boring monotone voice our lecturer uses. “I can sit by myself for a bit while you talk to people or pick up someone or whatever.” I said it all rather quickly, another blush spreading across my cheeks.

Louis blinked at me before a soft smile split his features. I blinked, stunned by the gentleness of the look.

“What if I don’t want to talk to anyone else but you?” He asked.

My eyes widened and I quickly took a gulp of my almost finished drink. Louis grinned and continued his rant like I hadn’t interrupted. I settled more fully back into the couch, letting Louis and the music lull me into a comfortable position.

We stayed there for most of the night, Louis occasionally got up to get us a drink until I eventually only wanted water, the buzz in my head enough to keep me going for the night. A couple of people did eventually approach us, chatting with Louis for a few minutes and politely nodded at me every time he introduced us. Some times he would disappear for a minute or two to quickly pull someone into a hug but he was right back by my side before I even thought about getting lonely.

I was getting tired; the buzz working it’s way through my system. I was tired and comfortable and ready to go to bed.

“Come on, we’ve been here long enough, we can get the others and head home. I’ll give you all a lift.”

I eyed Louis. “But you’ve been drinking.” My voice came out more slurred then I expected, I wasn’t sure if that was from the alcohol or how tired I was.

“I’ve had the legal amount like over two hours ago and then I switched to water.”

I hadn’t noticed but I allowed Louis to pull me to my feet and lead me towards the less crowded dance floor. It must have been getting late, people slowly heading out and probably into the early morning air.

Caydance was still dancing, her feet mercilessly carrying her around the dance floor, sometimes with a partner, sometimes by herself. I let go of Louis and moved to grab Caydance. She grinned brightly when she saw me and latched on tightly to my arm. Her eyes were glassy and her hair was a sweaty mess of curls.

“I lost you.” She said loudly, her words slurred and she stumbled against me, her heels narrowly missing my toes.

“We’re going to head home. Louis is going to drive us.” I was thankful for that, the taxi ride would have been an hour and cost a fortune and there was no way I could have got Caydance onto a train or bus.

“Ohh I saw Nialler and Li-Li tonight.” She exclaimed, wildly looking around her. I spied Louis in a corner; he and Liam were helping a clearly passed out Niall to stand up. I guided Caydance over there, I was glad she seemed happy enough to do what I said.

Niall wasn’t passed out like I first thought. He seemed to have no control over his limbs and his head rolled wildly around his shoulders. He was mumbling incoherently.

“He tried to drink everyone under the bar.” Liam explained, his sounded sober, but his eyes were still red and he looked dead tired. There was a hickey just under his jawline and lipstick on the collar of his shirt.

“Let’s go.” Louis grunted under Niall’s weight and lead the way out of the club. Caydance rested her head on my shoulder and let me guide her along. Louis nodded at security on the way out and refused help to the car.

Louis wasn’t parked too far away luckily enough as Caydance’s weight on me only grew heavier.

I pushed Caydance into the back, leaning in to buckle her seat belt before heading around the other side and climbing into the middle. Liam joined my other side once he and Louis had Niall safely in the front passenger seat.

“How are you?” I asked Liam sincerely. I hadn’t seen Riley around much but I had noticed her avoidance of being in any room with him. “Want me to talk to her?

“S’doesn’t matter.” Liam murmured, his voice slightly slurred.

“You really liked her, hey?” I asked gently, nudging my shoulder against his. Liam only sunk down in his seat, resting his hand against the car seat and closing his eyes. I sighed and turned back to Caydance who was blinking confusedly around the car.

“How do you feel?” I asked her. “Not going to puke?”

She shook her head before stopping, a frown etching over her drunken features. Her dark eye shadow had been smudged out of its original perfection. She looked like a mess.

“I thought I could forget.” She mumbled into my shoulder. “I don’t want to like him anymore.”

My heart clenched at her words and I gripped tightly onto her hands that settled in her lap. “I know sweetie, I know.”

“Why wasn’t I good enough?” Her voice cracked and a sob racked her body, tears rolling down her face and pooling on my shoulder.

I lifted my arms and pulled her closer to me, whispering to her gently, telling her all the wonderful ways in which she was more then enough.

I met Louis’ eyes in the rear vision mirror, he seemed hesitant, unsure what to do. I doubted any of the boys would have seen Caydance so broken. I doubted any of them had ever seen her cry. She always acted too strong.

“You are good enough Caydee. You’re more then good enough. You are the best person I know and I love you.” I buried myself in her hair while her quiet sobs shook both of our bodies.

-

I stared at the wall of chocolate and candy. I debated between a few before grabbing a packet of Tim Tam’s, a large packet of MnMs’ then turned to the candy choices in front of me.

“Study snacks?”

I turned in surprise to find Louis walking up the isle towards me, his pajama pants were rolled up a few times around his ankles and the white shirt he wore had at least three holes in it. Not for the first time I found myself asking why I found him attractive.

“Uh no.” The packets of chocolates crunched in my hands. “For Caydance.” I added.

Louis nodded without needing any further explanation. “Alcohol going to mix well with those?” He asked.

“After last night and the fact that she still has a hangover twenty-four hours later, I’m going to say no alcohol should be ingested tonight.”

“Best way to get over a hangover is to just get drunk again.” Louis smirked, and I realised why I found him attractive in the rattiest clothes. That freaking smirk, the cockiness in his walk, his personality all together was what made him attractive and he knew it.

“Is that your professional advice as a training vet?” I scoffed turning back to the wall in front of us; reaching out blindly to grab the first packet of candy I could get my hands on.

“Maybe your professional advice can help me. What’s your favourite box of chocolates?” Louis asked.

I eyed him curiously. “Why?”

“I need to get a gift for someone and I was going to buy them chocolates but I don’t know which ones they like.”

“And you think I do?” I questioned.

Louis rolled his eyes. “They remind me of you, let’s say, so can you just tell me your favorites, please?” Louis batted his eyelashes at me and I wished it made him look foolish.

I eventually pointed at the boxes of Belgian chocolate shells. “They’re my favourite and you can even buy them with pretty boxes as gifts.”

Louis grinned and grabbed a box, inspecting it closely. A pang of jealousy swept through me when I realised that Louis was probably buying this for another girl. “Well I better get back to Caydance.” I held up the junk food that clearly depicted my plans for a Saturday night.

“Huh? Oh yeah, we still okay to study tomorrow?” Louis asked and I vaguely remembered the plans I had agreed to at the club last night. I eyed the box of chocolates in Louis’ hand and really wish I had a good enough excuse to get out of it.

“Of course.” I plastered on a fake smile as my stomach drooped so low it was practically non-existent. “See ya.”

I got out of the shops as fast as possible, earning a glare form the cashier as I tried to nicely rush them along. I didn’t want to have to walk back to the houses with Louis.

Caydance was disappointed in the candy choice, her red, puffy eyes staring disdainfully at the red sour clouds. I rolled my eyes and grabbed them off her, stuffing them into my mouth and focusing on the Grey’s Anatomy episode she had put on. We had started watching it at ten this morning, watching only the episodes that made you cry and feel less about your own life.

-

I was struggling to understand the chapter of the textbook and Louis was running late like usual. I huffed in frustration, moving to the start of the chapter and trying once again to read the words and actually understand.

I was halfway through the page, feeling like I was grasping at least the introduction when a bag fell on the table and I was jolted away from where my nose was almost buried in the crease.

“Louis.” I gasped out, heart beating fast from the shock of his arrival.

“Sorry I’m late. Had to get some things.” Louis said, beaming down at me and brandishing flowers and chocolates.

I eyed what was in both of his hands before looking back down at the book. “They’re nice.” I murmured, not meeting his eyes.

“Good, I tried to buy the best ones.” He fell down in the chair in front of me, and beamed across the table. I tried not to hate how happy he looked.

“I’m really stuck on this chapter.” I said to Louis, pulling his attention straight to the textbook before I could make my jealousy anymore obvious.

Louis easily slid into study mode, I always forgot between the jokes, laughter and pranking that Louis was actually very smart. He had gotten on the Dean’s list his first year at University and never left it. Despite his constant playing around I knew that he studied just as hard behind closed doors.

And he understood it to the point where he could explain like he was teaching basic math. One plus one and the result is two. He could make it so simple, so obvious that I always wanted to suggest that he should become a teacher, but I had a feeling he would be a bad influence more then a good teacher.

On top of that he would get distracted at the smallest thing, his whole head turning to watch the bird steal a chip from the ground and run away, wings flapping behind it. He knew way too many people and they were always coming up and clapping his shoulder and occasionally getting a hug.

All the while I stayed distracted by the flowers and Belgian chocolates on the table. The flowers were the type that stayed in a wrapped base so the soil would make them last longer. It was wrapped in blue with a white bow tied around it. The flowers themselves were white lilies. My favourite type of flower.

“Do you like them?” Louis asked.

“Who are they for?” I forced out, not really wanting the answer but at the same time wanting to know that my chances were most definitely crushed with Louis. Not that I had really thought the chance was there since I had found out he had known. He had known and not actively done anything about it. But this still hurt, flashing another girl in front of me.

Louis seemed to falter, his smile slipping a bit before he snorted loudly. “This girl I like.” He breathed out.

I felt like he was teasing me, mocking my feelings. Why would he ask for my opinion and buy another girl a gift when he knew what my feelings were for him? I agreed to be friends with him but did he think that meant my feelings immediately went away?

Louis’ phone beeped and he jumped up, cursing. “Sorry I have to go, s’was meant to leave ages ago but I always lose track of time with you.” He winked at me and I ignored the fluttering in my stomach. I wanted to cry.

Louis stuffed his things in his bag and said goodbye without reaching for the flowers or chocolates on the table.

“Aren’t you forgetting those?” I asked, nodding at them, assuming that’s where Louis was going now, off to meet whatever girl he was trying to woo, or maybe already had.

He paused frowning down at the table, his eyebrows pulling together tightly on his forehead. He opened his mouth and closed it repeatedly, seeming unsure what to say before he seemed to deflate right in front of me.

I watched this all, confused by Louis’ reaction. What had I said to make him look so upset?

“Right, bye Thea.” Louis grabbed both the chocolates and the flowers and headed out of the outside café area. I watched him go until I could no longer see him.

I sat there for a while longer, trying to forget about Louis and whatever all that was, but I couldn’t. I couldn’t forget about him and I couldn’t study. Unhappily, I packed up my things and left the area, grabbing a tea before heading back to the house.

I felt disappointed, like I had still had hope that Louis might like me back, that maybe one day he would buy me gifts. I used to see him all the time, buying Eleanor jewelry, her favourite food, once even a pair of shoes that Caydance had helped him pick out. And I felt like an idiot for knowing this, for noticing things about Louis Tomlinson that I had no business knowing. He only saw me as a friend and despite the fact that his ignorance of my feelings was hurting, I had to get over it.

Olivia was smiling mischievously by the door when I walked inside. “Louis dropped something off for you, I put it in your room.” She said with a grin and a wink before running off to the kitchen.

I figured Louis probably grabbed something of mine from the table but when I opened the door to my room I found the flowers and the chocolate sitting in the middle of my bed.

I gaped at them, my stupid heart springing to life once more as if it had hope or even a stupid chance. Maybe Louis thought it was funny, maybe he was trying to be nice to me after hurting my feelings the other day. Maybe Louis had chickened out on giving it to the girl he actually wanted to. Whatever it was, it freaking hurt.

I slammed my door shut and headed down the hallway to Caydance’s room. She was still in bed, hadn’t left since we had went out two nights ago. I crawled in next to her without a word and buried my body against her bed-warm one.

“What’s up?” She asked into the quiet of her room.

“Louis.” I said.

She hummed and didn’t ask anything further, pulling the quilt over both of our heads so we could pretend even for an hour or two that the world didn’t exist, that stupid boys didn’t exist with it.

-

It carried on like this for a week. Louis asked me to a movie, just us two, where he bought the tickets and the popcorn and I sat there feeling every movement he made next to me and tensing up every time he shifted towards me.

He would show up at different times in the day sometimes with a coffee or a sandwich in his hand, other times he would come out of nowhere just to invite me to eat with him. I was lost and confused and I didn’t know what he wanted.

I was stressed, immensely stressed by the next Friday. Caydance had barely left her room all week, her hangover long since cured. The girls of the house had resorted to taking food up to her and I was constantly worried about her while trying to finish a small essay for a class that wasn’t supposed to be this hard. It was the first essay of the semester and shouldn’t take me more then a couple of hours to write but I couldn’t focus because Louis’ stupid chocolates still sat on my table, probably melted by now, and his flowers slowly died on my windowsill and I didn’t want to see them anymore. It wasn’t fair.

In a fit, I grabbed them both and tore out of my room. Hopefully Louis wouldn’t be home and I could just leave them with whomever and they could tell Louis I didn’t want them. I didn’t want his sympathy, his friendship or whatever else he was trying to do.

Unfortunately Louis’ smiling face opened the door and if I was a violent woman, if I was Caydance, I might have wanted to punch him. Instead I shoved the chocolate and flowers into his stomach earning a small oof from Louis as he grabbed onto them out of instinct.

“Stop it. Okay, just stop whatever you are doing. Stop being nice, stop being my friend, stop doing whatever you are trying to do because it hurts Louis.” I growled out, letting all the anger and frustration from the last week out on Louis. And I knew that I wasn’t entirely angry with Louis. I was angry at my brain, at Caydance, at Harry.

I was angry that Sidney had barely left her room all week only to go to class and everyone was coming to me for help and I wasn’t ready.

“It’s not funny.” I said further, with feeling once Louis still stayed quiet. “And it’s not fair. You know how I feel about you and yet you keep on doing this, this stuff. You’re being mean and it’s not funny.”

I turned on my heel and walked as fast as I could without calling it a run all the way back to Grace. I slammed the door shut behind me even though I doubted anyone was following. I took a deep breath but I didn’t feel any better, any lighter. I just felt lonely and exhausted.