Study of Life and Love

I sat there wishing for coloured pencils so that I could draw Caydance’s fiery red hair to accuracy as it whipped around her face. She laughed loudly and I shaded her lips in darker, emphasizing the perfect bow of her top lip.

Thea ran in front of her, kicking the ball away from Caydances feet and further across the makeshift field they had made in the Great Court. It was midday, the sun was out and everyone seemed to be dozing off somewhere in the grass.

“You’re really good,” Rhiannon leant over my shoulder and stared down at my sketchpad.

I smiled without a hint of pain or hesitance. “Thanks.”

“Why don’t you ever draw me?” Cecile pouted.

“I draw you while you sleep,” I said, deadpan. I could feel her eyes scrutinizing my reaction. I only smiled and kept drawing.

“I would actually be okay with that,” she said.

I looked up and laughed, loudly, pushing on Cecile’s shoulder. She paused, mid-lunge to get me back, and stared off into the distance.

I followed her line of sight and saw Louis running, full speed, at Thea and Caydance while Liam and Zayn walked calmly after him. I sighed and quickly looked back down at my sketchpad, eyes not really seeing the shading in front of me.

“What did you do to Zayn to make him look at you like that?” Olivia asked from the other side of Rhiannon. Rhiannon hissed her name and nudged her knee obviously thinking the question was rude.

“Called him a frat boy. Well actually Cecile called him a frat boy. I just kind of didn’t disagree.” I mumbled keeping my eyes trained on my drawings. Cecile nudged my shoulder in comfort before leaning her head there.

“You know he’s not, right? Not in the bad way.”

“Yeah,” I whispered. My hand began to move against the page again, looking for areas to further shade in. “I know he’s not, I just needed him to leave.”

I had regretted that day since the moment it had happened. I regretted pushing Zayn away and allowing Cecile to go to the lengths she did to get him to leave. I hated that I had to hurt him but I also hated how he couldn’t just leave me be. I had been fine up until this year. No one had worried like he did, no one had cared enough. And it scared me, I wasn’t afraid to say that Zayn Malik scared me more than my own father.

“You should talk to him,” Cecile said, I looked up to see Louis had joined in on the ball game with Thea and Caydance while Liam and Zayn made their way towards the group of Grace girls I had found myself surrounded by. My back was to a large tree but I knew there were Grace girls sprawled all around and under the tree, Riley had waved at me enthusiastically before flopping onto the ground with Nina. Both girls looked to be sleeping from where I was sitting. Liam kept glancing over there but there was no response.

Liam and Zayn sat right near us, falling into conversation with Rhiannon, Olivia and Cecile easily. I offered a smile, which faltered under the burning gaze of Zayn.

Caydance had told me that they had all worked out their disagreements with Kings at the beach the other day. That the only boy left hurt seemed to be Zayn. I would disagree and assume that Liam is most definitely still hurt. He constantly flickered his eyes towards Riley, his back sitting in a way that made sure she was always in his line of sight.

“That is an amazing drawing,” Liam startled me as he leant forward to look at my pad. “Can I have a look?” He asked, hand hanging out. I was too surprised to say no and found myself handing the sketchpad over. Zayn ignored us both and began picking at the blades of grass around him.

“Are you studying art? Coz these are amazing,” Liam said.

I shook my head. “No I’m actually studying creative writing, this is just a hobby.”

“Well you’re amazing at your hobby. I mean I thought Zayn was good but sorry mate, she could give you a run for your money. Shit look at this one she did of you.”

I glanced at Zayn who didn’t even look hurt by his friend’s words. Only shrugged before standing up and dusting off his pants, barely glancing at the page Liam was trying to show him. It was the one I had done only a couple of weeks before Christmas. When he had tried to kiss me.

I wanted to say something but I froze up in front of all of these people, what was I supposed to say? Zayn walked away before I could decide, picking his way through sun baking students.

“You should probably go after him,” Liam said, casually handing back my sketchpad. “We’re all kind of sick of him moping. Had to practically drag him out of the house today. I thought Louis might have actually decked him one if he complained about the sun one more time.”

I chewed on my bottom lip for only a moment before I shoved my stuff into Cecile’s arms and vaulted up from the grassy floor. Zayn was quick, already at the pavement encircling the grass area of the Great Court. I rushed to catch up with him, brushing grass pieces off my ass as I did.

“Zayn, Zayn wait,” I called once I was close enough. He hesitated in his steps before stopping completely.

His eyes were guarded when I finally reached him, he kept shifting on the spot his hands moving in and out of fists and he looked like he wanted to cross them over his chest. I had never seen the ‘cool’ Zayn ever look so uncomfortable.

“I’m sorry,” I blurted out before I could stop myself. “I know you’re not a frat boy and Cecile only said what she did so you would leave.”

Zayn’s jaw hardened and his eyes only grew impossibly darker. “Cheers,” he said before walking away.

“No wait, can we just talk Zayn, please.” I followed him only to have him stop again.

“I tried to talk to you but you forced me back out the door.”

“No you didn’t try to talk you wanted to demand answers and call the cops. That’s not talking Zayn,” I crossed my arms, my turn to get angry. I wasn’t the only one in the wrong here.

“I was worried about you,” he hissed, aware that we were in a public place. “I wanted to help you.”

“Well as you can see, I’m perfectly fine. Not a bruise or scratch on me anymore. Nothing to worry about.” I held my arms out as if ready for a body inspection.

“It doesn’t work like that Indi, I’m not just going to stop worrying about because the evidence has faded. Do you know how hard it was to listen to you say that it didn’t concern me? That you don’t concern me? I’m in love with you Indi. It’s kind of hard not to be wholly concerned about you.”

I choked on my own spit, wide eyes staring at an honest Zayn. “You love me?” I questioned, fully expecting him to pull back on his word as he became aware that he was getting ahead of himself. We weren’t even dating.

“We haven’t even kissed.” My thoughts broke through to my voice and I winced at how stupid I sounded.

Zayn looked surprised for a whole five seconds before growing determined. His warm, large hands grabbed my face and tugged me forward until my lips were pressing against his. My whole body stiffened in shock, my eyes wide open before they seemed to automatically click shut. The world was dark and Zayn’s hair tickled my forehead when he gently maneuvered our heads into the better angles.

I couldn’t help but fall forward, my hands reaching up to tangle their way into Zayn’s white shirt. The warmth of his body radiating out from his lips and across to mine as he settled for slow, light pecks. Constantly applying a little bit more pressure every time.

“I’m here for you to talk to me,” he said, pulling back enough so that I could gasp in air. “Just let me know when and I’ll listen. I promise.” He began to pull away and I tried to latch onto his shirt, finding myself not wanting to actually leave his space.

“I’m in love with you,” he said.

I hesitated, biting my kiss-bitten lips and tasting Zayn across them.

“So when you finally decide to talk, I’ll listen. Otherwise I’ll see you around.” He walked away without another word and I was left clutching air.

-

Caydance sat beside me, in a lecture that she wasn’t supposed to be attending. I ignored her and took more notes than I ever had in any other class. She had pulled out a book and a pen to hide herself better but neither had come to any use but a few doodles and flowers in the corner of her book. She seemed to be trying to draw a person but it had quickly faded into a stick drawing.

I was debating whether I could get out of the lecture without her getting a word in but I knew that if she had to, she would resort to physically holding me in place until we could talk.

“How long left?” She whispered.

“Five minutes,” I responded, the only time I had wished for a class to take a little bit longer. Caydance perked up next to me, her back straighter and her pen stopped tapping against her book.

I tried not to groan too loudly when the professor let us out early.

“Come on, you’re coming back to mine,” Caydance grabbed her stuff and pushed the desk away.

I took my time to pack everything away. “I told Nick I would work at the radio station tonight.”

“Lie,” she said simply, “I already checked to make sure you won’t.”

I gaped at her, only to receive a nudge in the shoulder until I stood up.

“You are not getting out of this. You are coming to the party tonight. You are going to get ready at mine and wear clothes that I own and you will talk to Zayn tonight. Maybe a few other things with Zayn will happen too. But that will just be added benefits.”

“I really don’t want to do this, Caydance,” I grumbled.

“So what you’re just going to go back to not talking to Zayn even though you were the one who had been dying to talk to him.”

I sighed and walked out of the now empty lecture theatre, Caydance’s heels clacked loudly behind her. I hadn’t stopped thinking about Zayn since he had kissed me two days ago. Not that he wasn’t almost always on my mind lately. But now, it was like something more, something that I hadn’t let myself have or even think about and he had put it there plain in my sight. He loved me and I wanted to be with him. He already knew everything and I only had two years left of courses before I could leave and get out of there. Maybe we could be something, together. But it all felt too hopeful, too full of things that could go wrong.

“You’re over thinking it,” Caydance sung next to me, her smile wide and unending. “It’s a lot more simple than you think.”

I stayed silent as we passed through the campus towards Grace house. It was becoming a familiar walk, compared to last year when I would have stepped foot in the house a maximum of two times.

“He loves you and I know you love him and it can be that simple if you want it to be,” she shrugged like some lame quote on a popular television show.

“It’s life Caydee, it’s never that simple,” I scoffed.

She sighed, the sigh of people already in love where complications didn’t exist. “Some things can be.”

The Grace house was busy when we walked through the front door, there were half naked girls running around everywhere, hair half done or wet or still frizzy. Others had half a false lash and Rhiannon ran past reeling a strapless bra through the air. I froze in my spot, eyes wide in horror at the people that raced around. I contemplated running back out but Caydance was already nudging me towards the stairs.

“I’m scared,” I stated simply.

Caydance laughed and easily maneuvered the girls within her house that I barely recognised. I had never seen a place so chaotic that it was still organised. People knew what people wanted. Rushing into different bathrooms, after certain people and certain talents they had on curling or braiding. Others knew which girl had the perfect instrument to make their eyelashes curlier or their cheeks pointier.

Thea was rifling through Caydance’s make up when we walked into her bedroom.

“There you are, where is your baby blue lipstick, Riley needs it to go with her dress and it’s also Liam’s favourite colour, but she doesn’t know that last part. Oh, hey Indi.”

I smiled weakly as Caydance procured the lipstick from another chaotic mess that she called a study desk. Thea was out the door immediately, lipstick held above her head like the head of an enemy. I could almost hear the hollering cheers of the tribe celebrating the victory.

“Come, sit down, relax and let me do your face,” Caydance pushed the clothes from her desk chair onto the floor and patted the black cushioned seat.

My shoulders slumped and I followed what she said, accepting defeat whenever it came to Caydance. I sat in the chair for more than an hour letting her prod every point in my face with hundreds of different brushes. Rhiannon had walked in at one point and instantly gravitated towards my hair; it had grown recently and now reached my shoulders. She seemed to delight in braiding the front of my hair, until it sat nicely across my crown. She then curled the rest of my hair until it not longer sat on my shoulders.

Once Caydance was done she dismissed me from the chair. “You’re dress is hanging up in my wardrobe, it’s the blue one.”

I wasn’t even allowed to look at what she had done as she had placed herself in front of the mirror and began the procedure for her own face that she had completed on mine.

I gasped at the dress, it was beautiful and a deep blue and so shiny that my eyes almost hurt to look at it.

“I can’t accept this,” I whispered.

Caydance snorted from where she was poking her eye. “Yes you will, it took me ages to find the perfect dress for you, so you will accept it and wear it tonight. Now put it on.”

I obeyed, a part of me wanting to see what this dress would look like on. I stripped in the corner of Caydance’s room, doing it as quickly as possible knowing that at any moment another Grace girl may barge into the room claiming an emergency.

The dress fell easily down around me, sweeping across my toes and shimmered as it moved. There were two thin straps that placed gently across my shoulders. I definitely wouldn’t be wearing a bra tonight but it’s not like I had a lot of boob to work with anyway. The heart line of the dress only just hinted at the scope of my breasts but it was modest enough that I liked it. It was the back that frightened me, it was bare to the point that I felt almost naked, the material rested just above the arch of my bum.

Caydance gasped and turned to me, her eyes shifted across my frame and I shifted uncomfortably. “You look amazing, do a spin.”

I obliged and couldn’t help the smile that graced my face as Caydance began to clap.

“I must say, I am amazing at what I do.”

I laughed at her, feeling giddy with actual excitement. I had never dressed up like this before, I felt amazing.

Thea walked into the room, her heels clacking across the floor and her white dress hugged her in all the right places. The see through lace moved all the way down her arms and showed off her tanned legs. Her hair had been dyed back to a light blue and she looked beautiful, practically glowing in the way that showed how beautiful she was on the inside.

“Zayn and Harry are here.” She announced, smiling widely at me. Caydance jumped up and grabbed the other dress that had hung next to mine. It was gold and so heavily sequined up top that it was heavy to actually place onto Caydance. The gold skirt that matched it was flowy and brushed the floor until Caydance slipped on red hells, to match her hair. She looked like a goddess.

“Why is Zayn here?” I asked once she had adjusted her boobs to fit perfectly inside the top upper body of the dress.

“I may have scored you a date to the ball. Since it is only sorority and fraternity invite you kind of need to have a date with someone from a house.” She grinned.

“I offered for you to be mine but she refused to allow that.” Thea said honestly.

The nerves crept back inside now that I remembered Zayn would not only be seeing me but that he was also just downstairs, waiting for me.

“Let’s go,” Caydance turned from the mirror and shot me a stern look as if knowing the thoughts that ran through my head, each one trying to figure out the best way to escape this.

I followed her out of her room and noticed that the chaos had disappeared, everyone was talking downstairs and the doorbell was constantly ringing or being knocked on. Everyone’s dates showing up, I assumed.

“You all look beautiful,” Sidney greeted us. She herself looked amazing in a fairy green dress.

Caydance and Thea headed down the stairs but I paused at the top. This all felt too unreal, too good and too right. I was scared that this was going to fail and I didn’t want to find myself without these people once again.

“It’s okay to be the damsel in distress.” Sidney moved to my side and offered her arm to me.

“Don’t let Caydance hear you say that,” I snorted, taking her offered arm.

“I know, trust me I know what it’s like to want to do everything yourself to prove that you can handle it. But by trying to be my own saviour I ended up in hospital. And I have a feeling that if you keep doing this you will end up there too, but in a far worse condition. Let the people around you help. It’s what they’re good at.”

She led me down the stairs and I couldn’t find it within myself to argue, both because I was concentrating on not tripping down the stairs and also because I didn’t necessarily disagree with her. I didn’t want to push people away, it wasn’t nice and it made me feel so lonely. This year had been so much better than the last. I had friends who constantly wanted to be around me and I couldn’t remember the last time I had felt lonely while being on campus.

And then there was Zayn. Zayn, who was waiting at the bottom of the stairs with hair slicked back and a smile that was blinding. I definitely didn’t want Zayn to ever leave my life. Not after realising how good it felt to be loved by someone that meant the world to me.