I Know You've Got Your Life in Place

I've Yet to Take the Hint, Someday
Alex looked great in his tuxedo. Dark black jacket with a lining of awkward purple stripes, slacks to match, with newly polished dress shoes and a sloppily tied bow tie. One that Jack struggled to retie over and over again, kind of wishing he could tie his own bow tie so he could pull it too tight and hopefully, maybe, just maybe choke and suffocate and possibly die. But alas, Alex had tied it for him with his own, delicate, bony (though not as bony as the lead guitarist's) fingers.

"Jack, how about I ask Rian to tie it for me, yeah?" the older man told his best man. He gave out a nervous chuckle. "You're shaking more than I am."

"It's just going to be weird, Lex. Not touring, not fucking girls on a bus every summer, no more odd schedules." No more seeing you nearly every day.

Alex smiles at Jack, and it kind of breaks his heart. Alex is really getting married. And he's happy about it. He's happy to end his career as a musician, to give up youth for the love of his life. He's not having a single regret. Alex really doesn't want Jack.

"Dude, did you know that people piss on eachother for kicks?"

"Jack, sit down. I have something to tell you."

"Huh? Really, Alex? Piss! "

Alex sighed, his mood deflating slightly. "You're drunk. I'll tell you tomorrow morning."

"Dude," Jack said, waving his barely-drunken-from bottle of JD. "I'm not getting drunk tonight. I'll save that for tomorrow, since it's the last day of tour."

Last day of the last tour All Time Low would ever make.

"Jack! For goodness sakes, quit acting so damn bored," Isobel scolded from his right. Alex took a sip of champagne from his table atop the stage, oblivious to their conversation as he engaged in his own with his newly-wedded wife.

Joyce lingered near the guests of honor table, not exactly a guest of honor herself- that was only for Jack, his mother, and Lisa's chosen unmarried friend.

"Honestly, dear," Joyce sighed. "I know you hate wedding's, but this is your best friend. Smile. And dance." His mother gestured to the guests on the floor. They reminded Jack of the so-called dance parties that would happen at concerts in the middle of the crowd, except this time the crowd was here soley for Alex and everyone was wearing formal outfits and no one was sweaty.

"Try to have a good time, kiddo," Isobel added, patting his back and standing up. "Enjoy yourself."

"I will," Jack replied, raising his hand for another glass of champagne.

I'm Sure I'll Get the Picture

"Jack, hey," Alex huffed on the phone. "You're coming tonight, right? Lisa and I wanna celebrate one year of happy marriage with those who have ensured the happiest of all marriages. Oh, and you, too, of course," he added with a chuckle.

Jack gave a small sigh. "Sure," he replied, hanging up.

Hearing Alex's voice hurt. Alex and Lisa hurt. He should be happy for them. He should be happy that the person he loved so dearly was happy.

But Jack was selfish. Why couldn't Alex be happy with Jack? And he hated himself for it. Hated himself for wanting Alex to give up his happiness. Hated himself for hating Alex for being happy. And he was sick of hating himself. He was sick of feeling. Of living.

And he was finally done with it.

Jack glanced at the seventy two pills laid out on the table. Seventy two kisses with Alex. Most of them were staged, sure, but some of those were teenage cuddles. Back before Jack knew he was in love.

Each white tablet held a memory.

Jack looked at the Word document sitting idly on his computer screen. The fifty words explaining why. Jack wanted to be sorry, he really did, he wanted to tell Alex he was sorry for doing this, on this day, the day marking the annual anniversary of the happiest day of his life. But he didn't. He told Lisa he was sorry.

Deep down in Jack's heart, in the blackness of his soul, Jack prayed that Alex cared enough so that this would crush him, and he was sorry Lisa had to deal with a broken man.

But his mind told him Alex would forget. Alex knew how to move on. If their places were switched, and Jack was the one married, Alex in love with him, Alex would move on from Jack. Alex was strong like that. But Jack wasn't. Jack took in all the pain. Jack never forgot to feel his love for Alex.

And for that, he picked up a white pill. Most would find it ironic that such a thing could save you but then kill you, but Jack knew what was happening. By killing him, it was saving him.

And one by one, Jack was being rescued.