Lokasenna

'No, stop… You're not concentrating.' Loki walked over to Sigyn and pulled her outstretched hand down. It had been three days since their first visit to the cave, this was their third day of practicing in the misty light. Sig had been attempting to fill a bowl (which she had smuggled with her from the kitchens) with water, but her heart was not in it.
'What is the matter?' he demanded, examining her with narrowed eyes.
Sig shook her head. Even though it had occurred three days ago she still could not get Frigga's words out of her head: "Tell my son… tell Loki to have faith." She had conveyed this message to Loki, who had not reacted in the slightest. It bothered her that Frigga showed so much concern for him. She was almost jealous that she should care so much for him and not for her. She had not told Loki this, of course. For the past two days their conversations were focused primarily on magic, but Sig had been thinking mostly about Frigga. She still had many questions that needed an answer, but it was difficult to figure out the right way to get those answers.
'I'm alright now, I'll get it right this time.' she said, more to herself than to Loki. He stepped back and let her try again. Since she started practicing with Loki it became increasingly more easy for Sig to center her mind. At those times when her concentration was at its best, it no longer felt as if she was just another being inhabiting her surroundings, but more as if she was part of everything around her: the stone floors and walls, the misty light floating around them. She even felt a different connection to Loki at those times. It felt like they were not two separate beings, but one. And they were both part of the cave, and the cave was a part of them. Everything was connected, everything was equal and everything strengthened each other. It was a wonderful feeling, which Sig learned to control more and more. But as soon as her concentration started to waver, when personal problems or thoughts started to interfere, she was not able to perform.
They had been practicing for over two hours when they decided it was time to return to the palace. Sig accompanied Loki into his cell. She was still making him wear the bracelets whenever they travelled from his cell to the bathroom and back. She felt it was prudent for her own safety to take this precaution. In a way Loki had been right when he said he had never given her any reason not to trust him, but all the same it was very reassuring to have at least a tiny bit of control over him.

Later that evening she returned to bring him his dinner. Loki was usually reading whenever she came in to his cell, but now he was lying on the wooden bed in the corner and staring at the ceiling. It seemed he had not noticed her come in, only when Sig cleared her throat to notify him of her presence he tore his gaze away from the roof of the cell and looked at her instead. He sat up a little, leaning on his elbows, to see her better.
'I have your dinner here,' she said and put the plate on the table.
'Thank you.'
'Will that be all?' she inquired tentatively, noticing how his behaviour deviated from what he was usually like and assuming there might be something on his mind. He nodded slowly, then seemed to think for a moment and his nod turned into shaking his head from left to right. 'No, that will not be all. Not yet. I have been thinking,' he sat up straight now, moving his legs into a sitting position, 'I was wondering how it can be that you are so passive about confronting Frigga with how she has treated you. It almost seems as if you do not care.' Their eyes met, 'But you do care,' he said slowly, 'I know you care about it quite a bit. You hardly speak of it, although you hardly speak of anything unless I ask you, but I know that she has hurt you. I have been hurt by her too, and by Odin, and I made sure they knew exactly how I felt about it. I do not understand how you can be so calm about your situation. It seems that so far the only thing you have done to vent your feelings was setting fire to the bathroom.'
'And is that not enough?' she said, evasively.
'No, I don't think it is!'
'We handle things differently, you and I.'
'You don't seem to handle things at all,' he said, his hands clenching the edge of the bed in frustration. 'Why? Why shouldn't you confront her about it, you have every right to.'
She didn't know what to say to that. She had been putting it off because she didn't know how to go about confronting the most powerful woman in Asgard. The idea of bursting in on her to tell her her thoughts seemed ridiculous; her, a servant, telling Frigga that she had wronged her by appointing her as Loki's guard, while the other maids considered this to be a privilege.
Instead of answering Sig replied with a question of her own: 'What I don't understand is why you are so angry with her. You are not her son, you betray Thor and Odin, kill hundreds of people and yet she still wants to help you. She gives you books on magic from her secret library, which any sensible person would refrain from doing seeing as you are already immensely skilled. Considering the facts, those books and positioning a weak little girl -as you so scrupulously described me before- as your guard, it seems she almost wants you to escape. And still you bear malice towards her.'
'My situation with her is different-' he began, but Sig cut him off: 'Indeed it is! She adopted you and loved you like you were her own son. It was who Odin locked you away, not Frigga: she still cares for you. It doesn't seem that she cares for me as much as she does for you, but I loved her as if she was my mother. I thought she loved me too, but I thought wrong. If she would acknowledge that she purposely put me in prison with you and apologised for it and showed me that she did care for me after all I would forgive her. She tries to help you, but you treat her help with contempt. If I were you I would not treat her so grudgingly.'
He stared at her for a moment, then he got up from the bed and paced around, running his hand through his hair. 'Maybe you wouldn't. But I was fed a lie my whole life, they made me believe that I would someday be king. I was always the rational one, unlike Thor. Frigga encouraged me to expand my mind and to practice my magic so I could one day use my powers to reign. Then I found out that it was always their intention for Thor to succeed Odin and not me. Odin had other plans for me… and even in those plans he meant to use me for his own purposes.'
'It all seems to me that Odin has done you more harm than Frigga.'
'He has.'
'You cannot blame Frigga for your own disappointment.'
He stopped pacing, his left arm crossed over his chest, supporting the other hand with which he was still running through his hair -but he stopped doing that as well, mid-stroke. He looked at the floor, then he ran his hand over his mouth as if he was thinking hard. Sig looked at him, waiting for him to answer, but he seemed lost in thought. He had been criticised for as long as he could remember, but it had hardly ever affected him. But it felt as if Sig spoke a different language from everybody else, one that seemed designed specially for him to understand. He turned his head to look at her.
'You're right,' he murmured, meeting her gaze. 'I cannot blame Frigga for that.'
There was a moment's silence in which they simply looked at one another. 'But you still have some things to resolve with her. You should not let anyone walk all over you like that.' Loki continued.
Sig bit her lip and frowned. 'I… I don't think I can.. I'm not sure if I can confront her.'
'Why not?'
'Because I am her servant. And as her servant I should be proud to fulfil any duty she gives me, instead of wallowing in self-pity because I felt closer to her than I should have.'
Loki suddenly grabbed her by her shoulders, 'Do not apologise for what you feel. If her decision to put you here has made you unhappy you should tell her.' his eyes were boring into hers and she had to look away for a moment before she could answer. 'Being your guard has not made me unhappy,' she felt his grip on her loosen, 'it's just that… I just wish she cared for me as much as she does for you. She was willing to sacrifice my freedom in the blink of an eye…'
'But maybe, if what you said is true and it is her intention to help me escape, she had not planned for you to be in this position for long. If I were to escape you would go back to being one of her ladies in waiting again, wouldn't you?' Sig nodded, stunned by this piece of logic. 'Maybe her intentions are not as bad as we thought…?' he suggested softly, smiling encouragingly. 'Maybe…' she replied.
'The only thing she could not have foreseen though,' Sig said quietly, avoiding Loki's eyes, 'is how much I would benefit from your company. If you were to escape I would not have anyone to teach me magic.' he grinned, but she did not see it. 'Well, I can put off my escape a little longer…' she looked back at him and saw his smile, 'until you decide you no longer need a teacher.'
'That's too kind of you… Your highness.' Sig said, a grin now playing around her lips as well. They stared at each other for a second. Then, without warning, they both burst out laughing.