Lokasenna

Let us, for a moment, consider ourselves once more.
As living creatures we are susceptible to change. It is inevitable. Although change can sometimes be unfavourable, it cannot be stopped. Our perception of change is often delayed, causing us to only notice it when it has already made some sort of effect, which it always does of course. Sometimes we do not notice a change at all, because it has come on gradually and we have become accustomed to it. Change can be a positive thing too: it can give us new perspectives and new opportunities.
The way we perceive our reality is, to some extent, formed by our surroundings. We adapt to our environment and let ourselves be influenced by people who are close to us. We all have certain potentials, certain tendencies within us, and some might prosper more under different circumstances than others. Sometimes a change can provide the right circumstances for certain qualities, that may have been subdued before, to start developing. How we adapt to change makes up a significant part of our identity. But whether a change within ourselves is positive or negative is often the hardest thing to figure out.

Sigyn stood before the fire, her back still turned to Odin. Something seemed to have shifted in her mind, she had never felt such vindictive anger before. She resented the fact that that hateful man behind her was ever allowed power over others. She resented the fact that, even if she did burn down the room, it would not satisfy her, because it wouldn't bring Loki back.
Her hands trembled as she gazed into the flames, imagining them swallowing the man behind her. She tried to concentrate on making her vision a reality. It was clear to her now that she had to do it, for Loki, for herself, and for all those other poor souls Odin had trampled on. While she attempted to focus, Odin spoke again and something in his voice startled her so much that she instantly forgot about the fire. 'Now, I have given it some thought, Sigyn,' Odin said quietly from behind her, 'and I have come to, what I consider, a fair deal.' Sig listened intently, her eyes wide in surprise. Something was different in his voice, something familiar. 'I will not banish you, or have you executed,' Odin continued, ''if you call me Your Highness again.' Sig spun around quickly, facing him. Odin smiled at her, but that smile was not his, just as the words he had just spoken were not his either. She recognised both, but it must be because she was thinking about… Suddenly a green glow passed over the Allfather and Sig leaped back in shock. The light enveloped his silhouette for a split second before it cleared away again. Odin was gone. In his place stood Loki, still smiling in that same familiar manner. Sigyn gasped and backed away a little, clapping a hand over her mouth and staring at him.
After a silence that seemed to last an eternity, and in which she did nothing but gape at the man before her, she finally managed to mutter: 'B-but you're… dead...'
'Well, it appears that I am not.' Loki said cheerfully, turning a little, his arms outstretched, so she could see him from every angle.
Sigyn could not believe this. It couldn't be him. She was either going insane, or Odin was playing some kind of terrible trick on her. She studied his face, trying to find the smallest signs of deceit in his features, but he appeared to be flawlessly authentic. The broken pieces in her chest seemed to tremble with hope for a moment, eager to accept that this really was Loki. It then dawned on her that she had never seen Odin do magic, or at least, not the kind that Frigga and Loki used. Changing appearances completely was definitely something only they could accomplish. And, now that she thought about it, when the Allfather had spoken to her just before his sudden transformation, he had made an allusion to a joke she and Loki had once shared. Sig remembered: it was after their first visit to the cave, when they had just returned to the bathroom. Loki had voluntarily accompanied her back to the palace, showing no signs of wanting to escape. And she had insisted on making him wear the bracelets that prevented him from doing magic. He had smiled at her with that devilish smile while she had fastened the bracelets around his wrists, and he had said: "You do seem to make it necessary for me to mock you every now and then," to which she had scornfully replied: "I feel honoured that I am worthy enough to be mocked by you, Your Highness." And even though, in making him wear the bracelets, it might have seemed as if she didn't trust him, it was from that moment when she had started to trust him. And the repetition of this little joke felt, to her, like a sign that she should continue to trust.

She approached him, still examining him closely, and tentatively stretched out her fingers to his cheek, as if to make sure he wasn't a hallucination. Loki smiled, covered her hand with his own, and said softly: 'You didn't think I would leave you, did you?'
Even though her heart was leaping, even though he was standing right there in front of her, the hurt and the grief and the bitter resentment she had just felt seemed to come to a boiling climax. She slapped his hand away, 'You DID leave me!' she shouted, her voice rising angrily with every syllable. Loki took a step back when she tried to take another swing at him. He managed to get hold of her arms, but she kept trying to get at him, yelling at him while angry tears streamed down her face. 'You left! You left me without a backward glance! I didn't know where you were, or if you would ever come back. And I was all alone, I had no idea what would happen to me. And when the guard came to fetch me from my cell this morning, I thought I was going to die. I was sure of it, sure that Odin would put me on trial, and have me executed. And instead, I am told that you are dead, and on top of that I had to endure Odin's cruel taunting. And all the time, I thought it was Odin who was subjecting me to all that pain, and it was you! Suddenly, you're alive! And instead of comforting me, instead of showing yourself immediately and explaining to me why you left, you making fun of me, mocking me while my heart was breaking! Do you have ANY idea how you made me feel? Do you even care about me at all? Or was this all some sick game of yours? GET.. OFF.. ME!' he was still trying to constrain her, and she was still trying to fling herself at him. They struggled, staggered through the tapestry into the hidden bedroom and tumbled over the threshold, toppling over each other and ending up in a heap on the floor. Breathing heavily, she pushed him away when he tried to help her to her feet. She got up, dusting herself off angrily, then glowered at him with her hands balled up in trembling fists.
'I can explain…' Loki said, a helpless attempt to an encouraging smile on his face.
Sig laughed maniacally, she had no idea she could be this hysterical, 'I'd like to see you try!'
Loki looked a little taken aback, but continued, 'I can and I will, but the guard will be back for you any minute now. I know you're upset, but I need you to stay in here while I deal with him. I'll be back in a moment. Will you stay, please?'
She gave him an icy look, which he took as a yes, then he rushed out through the tapestry, the green light stealing over him again.

Sigyn paced around the room, still breathing heavily, biting back a few more angry tears. Somewhere, underneath the bubbling fury, she was so relieved and happy that Loki was still alive, but she was too worked up, too confused, and too hurt to even think about the fact that their story was not at an end, like she had thought. She hardly noticed when Loki returned a few minutes later.
They looked at each other for a while, he still seemed a little flustered. Finally, he broke the silence, in a hopeful tone: "'Well... I got you out, eventually…'
Sig let out a derisive snort, and folded her arms defensively over her chest, 'Oh yes, "eventually"… after you made me go through a living nightmare?!'
Loki quailed under her fiery gaze. 'Well…' he began slowly, 'I already told you what happened after Thor took me with him… Loki died in Svartalfheim, or at least that is what everyone believes now. You're the only one who knows that I am alive, and that Odin…' he hesitated for a moment, '… and that we no longer have to worry about Odin.'
Although this information was shocking, Sigyn was still too impassioned to respond accordingly. 'I had to make some kind of plan for you,' Loki continued, 'You see, people were already getting suspicious about why you hadn't been put on trial yet. I didn't have much time to think, so I told the guards I would call you in for questioning.'
He looked at her with a pleading look in his eyes, 'Look, Sigyn… I know what I did was terrible,' he took a few steps towards her, 'It's customary that at least one guard is present during an interrogation, and I have to be very careful not to raise any suspicion. The only excuse I could think of, for the guard to leave the room, was to make you cry…' He reached out to her, and pulled her a little closer by her waist. She let him, the look on his face seemed to douse the furious flame within her.
'I left you and deceived you and hurt you… I wouldn't even know how to start apologising for what I did to you..' He gingerly stretched out his fingers and stroked her hair, 'But please, please don't think for one second that I don't care about you. I do care about you. I think.. you're the only person I have ever really cared about in my life…' They looked at each other, Sigyn could almost feel his remorse through his gaze. She didn't know what to say. Still looking into his eyes, she leaned in to his embrace and after another hesitant touch of her hair, he pulled her into a slow, tender kiss. As soon as his lips met hers, all the pain and anger she had felt before seemed to melt away a little. She wrapped her arms around him, and they swayed a little on the spot.
'I suppose that this means you're at least considering to forgive me?' he asked, breaking off the kiss and smiling a little. She smiled back at him, and said: 'Well, I'll come up with some sort of punishment for you…' He chuckled and kissed her forehead before they let go of each other. Sig sat down on the bed, realising for the first time how tired and hungry she actually was. She shot a longing glance at the bathroom door, wishing she were taking a long, hot bath right now. But there were still some questions that needed to be answered.
'What do I do now? What will you do now?' she asked, looking up at him from the bed.
'Well, I will have to go out again, there's still some things I need to take care of. You'll probably want to rest a little, you've had a rough couple of days…'
'No, I mean… what is going to happen now? You're suddenly ruler of Asgard, and I'm… well, I suppose I'm no longer expected to appear in court?'
Loki's mouth twitched a little, as if he wanted to smile, but tried to hide it. He saw the puzzled look on her face, a mixture of exhaustion and anxiety. She was scared, he could tell; she hadn't realised yet that she was free, or she had realised it but didn't know what to do with herself. She had been taking orders almost her entire life, and it was visible to him that she was frightened by this sudden change.
'You are expected to appear in court,' she looked even more frightened at him, but he explained: 'I sent the guard out with a double of you. Tonight, you, or rather your double, will be tried for treason and banished to Muspelheim. And after that, you can do as you please. As long as you're careful to avoid detection of course.' when she still looked confused, he continued: 'Don't you see, Sig? You're free, free to do whatever you like, go wherever you want…' he saw that she was starting to understand, and accept, what was happening. Sig felt a strange knot in her stomach all of a sudden. She turned her face down, and thought for a moment. She supposed she had expected to hear more options that included the two of them, rather than just her.
'Well…' she said softly, 'You finally did it. You got what you wanted: Asgard at your feet.'
He crouched down in front of her, tilting her face up to his. 'At OUR feet, Sig,' he said determinately, 'I know I've just said you're free to do whatever you want, but I also told you I am selfish, and I want you here, with me. You're the one person I can rely on, who I can trust. I know I've put you through a terrible ordeal, but I want you to stay with me… We can rule Asgard together.'
The full extent of what he was saying slowly dawned on her. 'So I would be your secret queen?' she asked. He smiled and nodded.
Queen Sigyn. There was something very pleasant about those words, she thought. Somewhere, in the back of her mind, she felt that this went against her nature, that she was a follower and not a leader. Then again, she thought, to rule over the entire realm, with the man she loved at her side.. Now there was something. Together they could do great things. So many possibilities seemed to open up while she pondered what it would be like. She would have power… Unlimited power. And with Odin gone, who would be there to stop them?
'Will you stay?' Loki asked after a moment. Sigyn looked at him determinately, and nodded. 'Yes, I will.'
Loki beamed at her while he got to his feet again. 'I need to go now, I'll be back as soon as I can,' he said, already making his way to the tapestry. When he was almost through Sigyn called after him: 'Loki?' he turned his head to look at her, 'Could you please bring back something to eat? I'm really very hungry…' she said. He smiled and nodded, then turned round again and left.

Everything felt strange, surreal, as if she was in a dream. Sigyn leaned back in the tub after finally scrubbing herself clean and looked at the little wisps of steam drifting over the water around her. It felt like she had washed off more than just the dirt from the dungeons. Her eyes travelled to her sand coloured dress that hung over a towel rack by the door. It had been her uniform ever since Frigga had made her one of her ladies in waiting. Just looking at it recalled to her all the things she had experienced in it. She felt that it no longer suited her, she felt that this was no longer who she was. The dress had belonged to her when she was a servant; she was not a servant anymore… She rose out of the bath and dried herself, eyeing the dress all the while, and wondered: what sort of dress would best suit the most powerful woman in the realm?
The bedroom was a lot smaller than the parlour behind the tapestry, but it was very comfortable. There was a fireplace, a wardrobe and a beautiful bed carved out of dark rosewood next to the high window. Fine white linen was spread over the bed and draped across the window, behind which the soft pastels of sunset were faintly visible. Sig sat down on the bed, one towel around her body and one on which she dried her hair. She looked at the window and watched the colours change from orange to pink to violet. An odd calm seemed to have taken possession of her body, and yet there was a restlessness in the back of her mind that gnawed at her.
A small noise behind her shook her out of her reverie. She looked round and saw Loki entering through the tapestry, a tray in one hand and a candle in the other, and something white dangling over his arm. There was something very satisfying in seeing him bring her food for a change, and she couldn't suppress a smile when he set the tray and candle on the nightstand. 'My lady…' he said with an exaggerated flourish.
Sigyn grinned broadly at him. 'I thought you might also like this,' he said, plucking the white thing from his arm and laying it out on the bed. It was a white gossamer gown, very simple and very pretty. Sig touched it, then looked at Loki. 'Thank you,' she said, running a finger over the dress, 'it's lovely…' the colour changed as if she was painting it, turning the white into a soft mint. She took it and got up from the bed, Loki stepped back a little to make room for her.
'I think I prefer it like this.' she said quietly, dropping the towel around her on the floor and holding the dress out to examine her handiwork. 'I think I do too…' Loki muttered, although his eyes were fixed on Sigyn instead of the dress. She pressed the dress to her naked body, seeing if it would fit her. Loki cleared his throat gingerly, 'I, eh.. I thought you said you were hungry,' he said, pointing at the tray. 'I am,' Sig said, dropping the gown on the bed before sitting down again, '...very,' she added, leaning back a little. Loki bit his lip, hiding a smile, an excited glimmer in his eyes.