We All Recover

Rian sat in the back lounge of the tour bus, headphones plugged in trying not to hear his best friends arguing. This was getting exhausting for everyone. It was late, but they didn’t have to be up until afternoon the next day because they wouldn’t get to the next town until then and they had the day off anyway. Rian knew he’d make a point of getting up and getting somewhere else before Jack and Alex woke up though. He always did these days. Anything to escape the bickering, the painful stares, the quiet tears. He knew Jack and Alex were having this the hardest, being the ones in the aftermath of a break up and having to live in such close quarters anyway, but it certainly wasn’t easy on the rest of them either.

He sighed, laying back into the couch further, hoping to disappear from the bus, be somewhere, anywhere, else for a few minutes. This was getting ridiculous, and he knew what it would lead to. It was time to admit it to himself and for the others to do so as well. They were going to need a break. All Time Low wouldn’t break up, they never could, but with Alex and Jack being so… complicated, they were going to have to take some time off. Rian sighed again. Things were so much simpler five years ago. He wanted that back, wanted his friends back, not have to be in the middle anymore.

“I think they took it outside,” Rian heard a voice beside him, just loud enough and close enough to be heard over the volume of his headphones. He and Zack had dealt with this long enough to know exactly how to talk to each other in the midst of it. Sure enough though, the sound of the talking-volume fight had changed to the muffled sound of a shouting match through the slightly-cracked bus window. The bus had stopped and they were in the middle of pretty much nowhere, evidently just so the two outside could hash it out, again. Neither bothered to shut the window. They’d be hearing all about it tomorrow anyway.

“Do you think they’ll ever manage to just be friends again?” Rian asks, looking out the window, though he couldn’t quite see them.

“Dunno,” Zack replied, sighing, “I just wish we could have one night of peace.”

“I never thought I’d miss having to hear them making out in the middle of the night,” Rian joked, lightening the mood just a little, but only for a moment before Zack noticeably frowned.

“This isn’t going to work much longer is it?” Zack asked quietly, a bit afraid to speak the words.

“We’ve dealt with them fighting before,” Rian said, but he knew Zack was right considering he was just thinking it himself.

“It was different,” Zack said, both of them knowing he was right, and wishing he wasn’t. They’d fought over all sorts of stupid things, all of them had, but Jack and Alex in particular. They were the most bickering of any couple, but what would anyone have expected with those two dating? They’d broken up a dozen times, lasting anywhere from minutes to days, but always managed to talk it out and make up.

This time was different. It had been weeks since they were together, and their conversations were always strained, even on stage. Even the fans had noticed something going on, but most seemed to be trying to ignore it. They had broken up for good this time, and having to live and work with your now-ex-boyfriend would be hell on anyone, but it was especially difficult for Jack and Alex, who were both passionate, explosive, and let’s face it- a bit immature. The others had stepped in over and over trying to make peace, but there was no reasoning with either of them.

Zack and Rian were woken from their respective painful thoughts by the sound of something slamming into the side of the bus. They looked out the window to see that Alex had punched it with some pent-up anger. It was time to intervene again, even though they usually let them figure it out for themselves before storming back in- sometimes they couldn’t handle it on their own.

“Really Alex? You put a dent in the bus.” Rian said half-heartedly when they got outside. Alex stopped yelling whatever stream of cuss words were being sent in Jack’s direction to look at the bus a bit regretfully. Everyone was silent for a moment.

“He’s drunk,” Jack said, just above a whisper, looking exhausted and probably a bit tipsy himself.

“Go to bed Alex,” Rian ordered, and by this time the rest of the crew who were on the bus with them had decided it was safe enough to go outside and see what was happening. Most of them knew it wouldn’t be much different from every other night on this tour though. Thankfully though, Alex obeyed this time without a fuss. Zack sighed in relief most noticeably, seeing how in the past it would of course be him who had to deal with it if one of the two had to be dragged away from the other by force. They’d yet to actually fight each other physically, but if the others hadn’t intervened there’s many times where everyone was sure they would have.

Jack was last to get back on the bus. He had decided to sit down and take a breather, get some fresh air before they inevitably had to get moving again. This had already set them behind schedule, not that it mattered since it was a day off the next day. It was starting to take a toll on him, all this fighting. Especially considering he was, in all honesty, the less volatile of the two. He took a lot more insults than he threw, and was a lot more hurt by it. Alex would usually get drunk enough not to remember the next day, or would realize better that everything said wasn’t meant. But Jack took it all to heart, though he tried not to, and it was a lot to deal with.

“You okay man?” Zack was leaning out the bus door, “we gotta get back on the road.”

“Right… yeah, I’m coming,” Jack said quietly, but didn’t move.

“Jack…” Zack said, wondering what the best words would be to help, but not finding them.

“I still love him,” Jack said simply, feeling like it was the most important thing that could be said, but knowing it meant nothing at all.

“I know,” Zack said, jumping down from the bus and taking a seat on the ground next to Jack.

“He hates my guts,” Jack said, laughing in a bitter, almost insane way, “and I don’t even know why anymore. I’m the one who should hate him.”

“Neither of you should hate each other Jack,” Zack said, also feeling like it was the most important and meaningless set of words he could produce.

“I know. But so much has happened… he was so wrong and I-”

“He fucked up,” Zack interrupted, “you both fucked up.”

“Yeah,” Jack sighed, defeated, “I know you’re right. But I don’t know what to do.”

“For now, what you should do is go to bed,” Zack said, and Jack nodded, following him up onto the bus and getting in his bunk without even a glance at Alex, who was sitting with Rian in the back, but not saying anything now that Jack was in the bus as well.

--

The next day, Rian didn’t get up and go explore town like usual, like he’d planned. Instead, he had reviewed the remaining tour dates and decided it was the day to talk to everyone about the elephant in the room. Zack was already awake and had already figured out Rian was planning to talk to them about something by the way he was getting coffee and water and even breakfast for everybody, particularly the two surely hungover and still asleep boys that were the center of all the recent conflict. When they finally woke up, they knew pretty quickly that something serious was going on.

Rian had asked the crew and other guys to find somewhere else to be for a few hours, and when he bothered to make breakfast, everyone knew it was either serious or he wanted something. This time it was serious. Once they’d settled, sat down in back of the bus and gotten their hangovers at least a little under control, Alex was the first to speak.

“I’m really sorry… about yesterday… and the bus…” he said quietly, knowing an apology was not enough anymore, it was the hundredth time he’d had something to apologize for.

“This isn’t working,” Rian said bluntly, wanting to get to the point as fast as possible, “we can’t keep living with you two arguing like this all the time. And you two can’t either.”

Those were simple facts, not the hard part. All of them could accept that part, but not the part that they all knew came next.

“There’s only three shows left on this tour,” Rian continued, “and I know we were working on another one next fall, or even this summer, and I know things were looking good and we were calling people up but… I don’t think it’s a good idea. I don’t think we can do this anymore unless you two work it out and at least manage to act civil, or be friends or… something.”

Alex looked down, the guilt adding another headache on top of the one he had, head pounding with regret and the effects of yesterday’s alcohol, with the pain of losing Jack and now potentially losing everything else.

Jack looked at Alex.

And for a while, that was all anyone said. They all knew there was more that needed to be discussed. But none of them had the right words, or any words really. Finally, Jack spoke.

“I want to fix this,” he said, still looking at Alex, who hadn’t moved, “Alex,” he almost whispered, “I don’t want this to keep being this way between us.”

“I know,” was all Alex could muster.

“What can I do, to just have your friendship again?” Jack asked desperately. Everything depended on this, he would do anything to have Alex back. As a best friend before anything else. But Alex still wouldn’t look up, wouldn’t give an answer or a solution. He didn’t have one. He didn’t have anything. The way he saw it, it was all his fault, and nothing could be done anymore. This was the reality, things were coming apart.

After a few moments of nothing being said, Jack got up to leave. He’d done everything he knew, and he had nothing else to say.

“No you don’t,” Rian stopped him, “you are staying put until we sort this out understand?”

“I have nothing else to say,” Jack says weakly.

“Yes you do. Both of you do,” Zack chimes in, “Rian and I have sat with you two and heard every relentless detail of every fight since you broke up or whatever it is you did, but we still have no idea what actually happened, or why. We deserve an explanation.”

At that, Jack sits back down. He doesn’t want to talk about it, doesn’t want to dig everything back up, but Zack is right, they deserve an explanation. He doesn’t mean to, but he finds himself looking at Alex, hoping he will say something first. To his surprise, Alex finally looks up, tears staining his eyes but ready to speak.

“I’m an asshole. That’s what happened,” he says, and they all roll their eyes. That wasn’t an explanation nor was it news.

“Care to elaborate Alex?” Rian asks.

“I cheated, but this time I lied, I hid things. It was too much. But I wasn’t sorry. I thought I was right. Is that enough explanation?” he asks bitterly. Alex was always cheating, but Jack was too, and neither of them seemed to have too huge of a problem with it. They could best be described as an open relationship, but they were also hesitant to call each other boyfriends, so maybe they were friends with benefits, they never minded labels. This was all common knowledge among the band and crew.

“Not really,” Rian said, “but it’s progress.”

“He didn’t tell her. About me. It’s been going on for a long time… years… he said she knew but she didn’t. I wasn’t okay with that,” Jack chimed in, “it’s hard to get over being lied to for so long.”

Neither Jack nor Alex moved, or made eye contact. It was awkward, but it wasn’t as hard to talk about as they’d thought.

“I didn’t know it mattered,” Alex said, “and I didn’t think either of them would be bothered. But she was angry when she found out, and she went off on Jack, and he was pissed and I didn’t think he should be, but…” he paused for a moment, finally looking at Jack, “but he had every right to be angry, and so did she. And everything… everything was my fault, for being selfish.”

“Alex I-” Jack started, feeling a bit of hope at Alex’s admission.

“Wait,” Alex interrupted, “don’t say anything yet because I’m not done. Everything was my fault- is my fault… but… it’s all still messed up now and I think the way this relationship worked was always doomed to explode like this and… and I think I do need some time… I think… I think Rian’s right. We should take a breather.”

Jack sank lower into his seat, unwilling to accept that the band would have to take a break. Unable to accept losing Alex and pretty much everything else. Rian took a breath, trying to be logical, Zack just sat back, waiting for whatever happened next, trying not to think too hard about it. Alex was just looking at the others, gauging their reactions, hoping they’d forgive him someday.

“Alright,” Rian said finally, “so we’re taking what? A break from touring? Or a break altogether?”

“Altogether,” Jack said, surprising even himself, “we need space to sort things out, without obligations to see each other. Me and Alex in particular we… we need to figure this out on our own terms.”

“What do we tell the kids then? I mean we can’t exactly just say ‘Alex and Jack are fighting so we’re taking time off,’ but knowing them they’ll assume that anyway,” Zack says, and nobody really wanted to hear that but it was the truth anyway.

“Tell them we are on hiatus? Indefinitely? I don’t know, they deserve a better explanation than that,” Rian said awkwardly, the word ‘hiatus’ tasting bad on his tongue like it was a physical version of a nightmare being forced into his mouth.

“Maybe we just say we’ve been touring for over a decade and need some time off? Maybe make a few jokes about it? Promise them good things soon?” Zack suggested.

“We can’t make a promise we aren’t sure we can follow through on,” Alex said.

“Does that mean we don’t even know if we’re gonna be back on tour again, like… ever?” Jack asked innocently, but the words seemed to break all of them. How did this happen? This was the life they all loved and wanted.

“No,” Alex said firmly, “we’ll figure this out. We will fix this I just… I need time.”

“So what do we tell them?” Jack asks.

“We tell them we’ve had some problems and need time to sort them out. We tell them we love them and this band and we are going to get everything fixed… we just aren’t sure when or how. We tell them the truth, just not all of it. Okay?” Alex says, and since it’s the best idea any of them have they decide to accept it. They all knew they couldn’t lie too much, and this was the best compromise they had.