We All Recover

The last few shows were finally over, and none of the guys bothered to hide their relief. The last days of tour had consisted mostly of silence between them all. Occasionally Rian or Zack would try to console the other two, or get them to talk at all, but they were resigned from speaking. The guilt of causing this temporary band break-up weighing heavy on them, not to mention the still-lingering feelings of their relationship break-up.

Jack was sitting in his bunk on the way back to Baltimore, headphones in, just thinking. It wasn’t often he would sit alone and ignore his bandmates, but recently that was all he seemed to do. He just couldn’t get over how unfair it all was, Alex shouldn’t be the one needing time. He’s the one who ruined everything. Jack sighed. He wasn’t completely faultless. Yes, he had the right to be angry and even to break up with Alex, but he didn’t have the right to cuss out the girl, or to say half the terrible things he said. He still didn’t understand why Alex wouldn’t even try to work it out afterwards though. It hurt to lose someone you love, but it was unbearable when that person was also your best friend.

Alex was in the bunk right across, doing almost the exact same thing as Jack. All he could think about was how he ruined everything, made the worst possible choice every step of the way. But he knew he was angry, at himself more than anything he figured, but angry enough that he wouldn’t be able to promise he wouldn’t lash out. It was all too much. He’d known, of course, that it was wrong lying to both of the people he was with all this time, but he didn’t think it would matter this much. He didn’t think- if they ever did find out- that they’d both be so angry. He didn’t think it would ruin his friendships, or his band. He figured they’d all just call him an asshole for a while and move on. But he was wrong, he’d hurt all of them. And for what? It’s not like he liked the girl that much, he wasn’t even sure he liked girls at all if he was being totally honest. It just seemed like she was what he needed, so he’d just made it work.

Alex dared a glance over to Jack, and he couldn’t stand knowing he’d put that pain in his eyes. He was in love with him, still, always. He wondered if they could ever fix things. But he knew at the same time that he didn’t deserve Jack- Jack should be with someone he can trust, someone who will always put him first. And Alex hadn’t done that.

“Jack,” he whispered, but Jack of course couldn’t hear him over his music, so he got up and carefully nudged his shoulder, hesitant as if touching him was now somehow forbidden.

Jack looked up and took out one headphone, not changing his expression in the slightest, “what you need Alex?” he said, a bit too carefully.

“I wanna say I’m sorry- even though I know it’s not enough. I want… I want you to know that once I get my own head sorted out I… I’m gonna do everything I can… to make it up to you, somehow,” he tells Jack, who to Alex’s disappointment is completely unphased.

“Right, Alex. Of course,” Jack said coldly, putting his headphone back in and continuing his intense staring at the ceiling, which seemed to interest him much more than Alex’s apologies.

Alex sighed. Usually he would have been angry about being blown off like that, but he understood, really. So he just got back in his bunk and closed his eyes, hoping he would think of something, anything. But he had to admit this tour had been a lot on him too. He knew if he was ever going to make things right, he had to get himself together first. He wanted Jack back and he knew the only way that would happen was if he could be better, be as good as Jack deserved.

--

Two weeks had gone by since the tour ended, and Rian had been left in charge of posting on the website and explaining to the fans, who had already been all over social media demanding to know what was up with them. They got pretty concerned when Jack went more than a few days without tweeting anything. They all seemed to have ceased to exist from the internet lately and of course, that got everyone worried.

Rian sighed, typing up the message they’d agreed on. It was simple, but they’d made sure not to make it too short. It told a lot of the truth- that they had all been stressed from touring and being around each other for so long, and that they needed a break- there would be no touring, and nothing new indefinitely, but they’d be back on it as soon as they can. They were sorry they had to do this.

He tried not to look at the internet after posting it. He did really anything he could think of to avoid it, but come on, nobody can stay away from the internet for more than a few hours, especially when something important is happening. He was surprised to see hardly anyone was angry. A lot of people were upset, and worried, that they wouldn’t be back together, that they were having problems with each other, that there were things they weren’t telling them, etc. The consensus, however, seemed to be that it made sense. They’d been touring, or at least writing, non-stop since they finished high school, of course they’d need a break eventually. They were all just hoping it wouldn’t be too long. Rian was hoping that too.

In the end though, it was relieving to see they understood.

--

It had only been a month since they’d been on tour, and while this was usually around the time he started missing it, Zack usually wasn’t usually missing his bandmates this much yet. He’d hardly heard from any of them, and part of what was complicating things was worry. He was dying to know whether Jack and Alex had spoken and whether Rian was as worried about them as he was. He wanted to know if anyone else was worried that they’d never fix things.

So he called up Jack, who actually seemed pretty happy to hear from him, but Jack had this ability to make anyone feel that way, regardless of the situation. He didn’t ask about Alex or the band, or anything that could be sensitive, he was just glad to talk about meaningless things for a bit. Sports, TV, stupid jokes. It’s amazing how much you can miss something when you’re afraid you might not have it again.

They ended up deciding to go out that night, hit up the bars and maybe see if any of their friends were having parties; it was a Friday night after all. But when Zack got to Jack’s place- he immediately figured out that night would do the opposite of easing his worries. The problem wasn’t that the place was a mess. It was that it wasn’t. Everything looked exactly like it would when they first got off tour- nothing strewn around the place or neglected on the floor. The only thing to indicate Jack had been living there at all were the bottles of various alcohol fighting for space on the coffee table. Not tossed around the place like after a crazy party, just left on the table as though emptied and forgotten.

Jack himself seemed pretty drunk already, which wasn’t exactly unheard of for him at eight o'clock on a Friday, but it was unusual for him to drink alone when they were just about to go drinking. Zack decided it better not to mention it, for now anyway. They kept it fun and lighthearted for most of the night, until they made their way back to Jack’s place- which was in walking distance, and Zack would crash on the couch as per usual when they went out and got way too drunk to drive. At that point, Zack couldn’t quite think straight enough to keep his mouth shut.

“Ey, Jack,” he said, slurring his words just a bit, “‘ave you been drinking so much just cuz of Alex?”

“Idunno” Jack, who between being significantly smaller and having been pre-gaming was way more drunk than Zack, responded almost incomprehensibly. And that was pretty much it, they went about the usual business of passing out on the couch and living room floor, and the next morning (well, afternoon), Jack had a hell of a hangover and Zack made coffee, and for a little bit it was almost like being on tour. Except, you know, in a house and missing some important people.

“Hey Jack,” Zack said, stopping as he was about to leave and head back home, “it’s gonna work out alright? You and Alex I mean, and the band… we’ll make it all work somehow, we always do right? You know that?”

Jack hesitated a moment before responding, he guessed he didn’t really know that. It had seemed so irreparably broken, but maybe all he needed was to know there was someone else wanting it to work out- believing it would. He guessed, when he thought about it, he couldn’t picture anything besides it working out eventually.

“Thanks,” he finally responded simply, before Zack left and he started throwing out a few of the bottles on his coffee table.

--

Two months since the tour ended and Alex was, to put it frankly, a complete mess. The first thing he’d done after getting back to Baltimore was move to a new apartment. His old house and situation had become… complicated, and besides, he’d figured the process of packing, moving, and unpacking was tedious enough to be a good distraction. However, he hadn’t really unpacked at all. His essentials were strewn across their respective rooms while everything else was still in opened, messy boxes. All he’d done was rummage through everything for what he needed and otherwise left everything in boxes where it was. He was used to being on tour, after all, he didn’t really need much on a daily basis.

Unpacking seemed pointless. Most things seemed pointless. He was way too busy racking his brain trying to figure out what was wrong with him, and how to fix everything, and how to stop being so irrationally angry with himself. He was sitting on his bed, amongst various items of clothing and random papers with scrawled writings he’d thought up but never bothered to do anything with or dispose of, when his phone buzzed with a call from Jack.

His heart nearly leapt out of his chest when he saw his name, Jack hadn’t spoken to him since the tour ended. He answered quickly, but then immediately regretted it, starting to worry about what this conversation would be like and whether he would be ready for it.

“Hello?” Alex said cautiously.

“Hey, Lex,” Jack replied, in that cheerful way of his that could make you feel like you were the only person in the world, “how are you doin’?”

“I- um, okay, I guess, er, you?” Alex replied hesitantly. He guessed he wasn’t expecting things to be so casual, but that was silly, nobody just calls and jumps straight to the issue without at least a moment of small talk do they?

“I’m doin’ alright,” Jack said, “I wanna talk to you though… in person maybe?”

“Jack I don’t know if that’s-”

“Look, Alex,” Jack interrupted quickly, “we don’t have to talk about anything you aren’t ready to talk about yet alright? But we should talk. It’s been two months. I don’t think we’ve ever gone two months without even speaking just… please?”

“I-” Alex wasn’t sure how to respond, or whether he wanted to see Jack just yet, but resisting that boy was too difficult, and besides, he had a point, “I’ll be over in an hour?”

“Perfect,” Jack responded, his smile nearly seeping through the phone.

Alex got to Jack’s house approximately an hour and a half later, which was 20 minutes later than he’d usually be, but again, he was a mess lately, so he decided to cut himself some slack on that. Seeing Jack was not going to be easy, or at least, so he thought.

“Hey ‘lex” Jack greeted, smiling much weaker than usual, a bit cautious around the other boy after all that had happened.

“Uh, hey Jack,” Alex replied awkwardly.

“Ah fuck it,” Jack mumbled, pulling Alex in for a hug before he could react, earning an almost involuntary giggle and significantly lightening the mood. He then pulled Alex over to the couch and sat down next to him, smiling smugly like he’d gotten away with something sneaky.

“How you doin’ Jack?” Alex asked once the silence stopped being comfortable.

“I’m doin’ pretty good at the moment, what about you Alex?” Jack mocked the formal tone the other had used.

“I’m a bit nervous to be completely honest, I’m not sure why you wanted me here…” and with that, the mood was too serious yet again.

“I miss you ‘lex” Jack looked down, “and I’m worried about you.”

“You’re worried? About me? Why?” Alex was completely confused, whatever he expected this to be about, it wasn’t that. Jack sighed before answering.

“Because none of this is like you. You don’t avoid topics and start fights and spend two months without talking to any of your friends. I’ve talked to everyone and no one has heard from you. And I’m pretty sure there’s something going on with you that you haven’t told me and that’s fine but… you should talk to someone once in a while…”

“So… you asked me to come here today not because we have a billion issues to sort out and our relationship went to high hell… but because you’re my best friend?”

“Yeah, basically. Also because I miss you, like I said...” Jack smiled a bit sadly, as nice as it was to finally see the other again, he just wanted everything to not be so messed up.

“Alright well… yeah,” Alex sighed, “I guess there’s some stuff going on, but it’s just. It’s just in my head you know? Just everything I had been avoiding happened at once and… I don’t know. It’s too much. I’ve realized the reality of just how stupid and idiotic and downright terrible I’ve been and I’m not taking too well to it, I guess.”

“Alex,” Jack said firmly, “you don’t just beat yourself up over something so much you avoid everyone and everything. It’s also not like you. And besides, you have no excuse to keep being mad at yourself. I’m not even mad at you anymore.”

“You’re not?”

“Nope. I mean… still a bit hurt about a few things but… no I’m not mad. I’m too busy missing you to be mad.”

“That’s not fair!” Alex responded suddenly, “you can’t just not be mad at me. I don’t know what to do with that you can’t just...”

“Oh shut up Alex,” Jack rolled his eyes at the outburst, dismissing it, “I don’t have to be mad at you just because you are.”

“You have to be mad at me because I’ve been a complete dick!” Alex’s voice was rising, and it was obvious he was losing his temper for pretty much no reason again, but Jack wasn’t going to get caught up in that again. He was done fighting.

“Yeah, okay, and I was mad,” he said, silently pleading that if he acknowledges Alex’s stupid point it will make him stop getting angry every time they have a conversation, “you fucking broke my heart if that’s what you wanna hear okay? But I don’t want to be angry about it anymore. I’ve said a million times that no matter what you’ll always be my best friend first. We promised each other no matter what happened with us being… whatever we were… that it would never get in the way of us being best friends. I don’t want to lose you completely over this.”

Alex had no idea how to respond, he’d spent the last several months convincing himself that everyone hated him now. That he’d lost everything. The idea that, even after such an ordeal with their break-up and all the fighting it led to, Jack still cared was too much. All he could do was look at Jack and think how incredibly perfect he was.

“I don’t deserve you,” was all Alex could manage to say after a long pause.

“Please stop with all that?” Jack asked moreso than anything, “I’m not going to say anything that happened was okay because it wasn’t… but it doesn’t matter. We’re both people and we both did some things we shouldn’t have and I just want you in my life again, the real you, not just this part of you that’s so damn angry at yourself you can’t see straight. “

“J-Jack I can’t,” Alex said quietly, “I can’t just be friends again like nothing happened.”

“Why not?” Jack asked, desperation starting to seep into his voice.

“Because I never wanted to be your damn best friend okay?” Alex said harshly, but not quite yelling, “I have been fucking head over heels for you since the first time you kissed me when we were just stupid kids, and then we started the band and we didn’t want to ruin it by dating and then a few years ago… when we started that whole… whatever it was… sleeping together, saying we loved each other but you didn’t want labels, didn’t want to be exclusive… didn’t want anything... but I just took whatever I could get because, Jack, I always wanted you. And yes I am so fucking angry at myself but the last few months I’ve realized something. I’m pissed off at you too. I’m angry that you never really wanted me, that I wasn’t enough and mostly I’m angry that you left, you said it didn’t matter who else we were with as long as we never left each other and then you just… you gave up on me.”

It was safe to say that speech was nothing near what Jack expected would come from today, and it was his turn to be silenced for a few moments.

“This was a bad idea,” Jack finally settled on, and tried not to notice the immediate hurt in Alex’s eyes, “you should go back home.”

So without another word, Alex left Jack’s house, forgetting to even be angry.