Powerless

Fingertips trailed the cold duvet as Marissa finally woke from her slumber, her arms going up above her to stretch her muscles. For once, she was able to sleep without a nightmare interrupting. A small sigh escaped her plump lips as she pulled herself from her bed reluctantly and walked into the bathroom to do her business. It was already well into the afternoon, but it wasn't like she had to work or anything, so she never worried about the time, anyways.

When she was done in the bathroom, she walked back out into her room and began to search through her closet for something to wear, tossing her long, blond hair over her shoulder, out of the way. Out of nowhere, she got the feeling that she was being watched, so she quickly turned to look around her room, finding no one there. She rubbed her face, distressed, and went back to searching for an outfit. That's when they started; the voices. You're worthless. You'll never amount to anything. Oli will never love you. End it now.

Feeling herself on the verge of tears already, she frantically searched through her bedside
table for her medication. She popped the top off of each bottle and took her recommended doses without any water. She didn't have time for water. She needed the voices to stop now.

It wasn't a surprise to anyone who knew Marissa that she heard voices, or that she had hallucinations of demons and shadows. Everyone was use to her schizophrenia by now, as use to it as one can get, but that didn't mean it made it any better for her. Every day was a battle, even with the medication she was prescribed. She couldn't help but float through life feeling miserable and exhausted mentally. She had suffered from the disorder since she was seventeen and was now going on twenty five.

As best as she could, she ignored the voices, which never really worked, anyways, and found something to wear. Once she was dressed in a simple pair of jeans and a t-shirt, she walked downstairs to greet her housemate and best friend, Oli. He greeted her with a small peck to the cheek and a cup of coffee, to which she thanked him for.

"How are you feeling?" Oli asked as he sat down at the table with her. Marissa rolled her eyes.
This was an every morning question he had for her and, despite her understanding his concern, it was quite annoying for it to be the first thing she heard practically every morning.

Without voicing her opinion for once, she shrugged her shoulders. "I'm alright, I suppose. I didn't have any nightmares, but had a little episode when I woke." Oli's eyebrows shot up in concern, but she continued. "Before you ask, yes, I took my medication." She took a sip of her coffee, resisting the urge to roll her eyes again, because she knew him too well.

Oli simply nodded his head, deciding to not say any more on the subject. It was a bit sore for him, too. It was no secret to anyone but Marissa that he had feelings for her as more than just friends, but he could never tell her. Her illness made it almost next to impossible for her to hold a relationship. The only reason they've been friends for so long, since they were still in school, is because he practically forced her to stay his friend. He would visit her when she wouldn't leave her house, bring her comfort food and movies, anything he could to take her mind off things. Sometimes, she resisted, resulting in them fighting, sometimes it got physical on her end, but Oli knew it wasn't her fault. He didn't care about any of that; there was no way he was going to lose his best friend.

What he did care about, though, was keeping his friend as sane as she could be, which is why he was always on her about her medication. Plus, it wasn't easy to watch your best friend and love interest fight with figures that weren't there. It was always difficult for him because he wanted to help, to bring her out of her episodes, but there was never anything anyone could do besides wait it out and shove medication down her throat. Of course, the thought of what it was like for her is what killed him the most. If there was a way he could take the illness from her and give it to himself instead, he would in a heartbeat, just so Marissa could finally have an eased mind and not be on edge every second of the day.

"Oh, fuck." Marissa interrupted his thoughts as she stood from the table to place her empty mug in the sink. "I have an appointment with my doctor today."

"Do you want me to drive you? I'll take you to get ice cream like last time, if you want." Oli turned in his seat to face her as she stood in front of the sink.

She looked at him over her shoulder, obviously trying not to smile."Okay, fine, but I want to go to a different place this time. The last place had shit vanilla and you know that's all I eat."

Marissa kissed his cheek before she went upstairs to grab her jacket and shoes. Oli was glad she left the room, because he began to blush. It wasn't easy for him to get embarrassed or anything, so it was weird, but that was just the affect she had on him.

--

At the doctor's office, Oli waited out in the waiting room as Marissa was called back. She walked into the office and sat down, the usual routine, as she waited for Dr. Vince to start the session.

"Miss Marissa, how are you doing today? Feeling any better from the last time we met?" He took a seat in his chair, a smile on his mouth, which was covered by a grey mustache. Her doctor was older, not the best thing to look at for a straight hour, but he got the job done. Honestly, he was the best doctor she had dealt with so far, which is why she kept coming back to him.

"Well, this morning, I had a little episode with voices, but I took my medication and I'm okay now. I haven't been having nightmares for the past few nights, nothing visiting me in my sleep, so that makes me feel a bit better." She shifted in her seat as she stared down at her shoes. No matter how good of a doctor he was, or how comfortable with him she was, it was still uncomfortable to talk about her illness, period.

"So, the new medication is working for you, yes?" He looked down to his notebook and began to write something. Marissa has always been curious to know what he writes down, but never really cared enough to straight up ask.

"I guess so. I mean, I know nothing is going to completely stop my illness, but I guess it's helping more than the other medication."

The session continued for the rest of the hour, Marissa answering his questions to the best of her abilities, but sometimes, she couldn't remember her episodes, like she had blacked out during some of them. When they were done, she exited the office and nudged Oli in the shoulder, who had his deep in a magazine. He looked up, letting out a small "hm?" before he tossed the magazine back on the table and stood up.

"Let's go. I want my fucking ice cream." Marissa stated as she crossed the room to exit the building. Oli followed suit, pulling his keys from his pocket to unlock the car. He opened the door for her, as always, and shut it once she was safely in.

He started up the car once he got in and began to drive to the nearest ice cream shop. "So, Nicholl's is throwing a little party tonight. If you're feeling up to it, you should come for a while. I'll give you my car keys so you can leave when you want..."

Oli always tried to compromise with her. His band mates missed her, they were her friends too, and he always tried everything he could to get her to go out, but she never would. He knew why; she was afraid her illness would cause her to act out.

Marissa looked from the window over to Oli, chewing on her bottom lip, something she always did when she got nervous. "Well...I have been feeling better lately.. I haven't had any visual hallucinations in two weeks... maybe I will."

Oli couldn't help the wide grin that spread out over his face as they pulled up to the ice cream shop. He cut the engine off and got out, walking over to her side to let her out. The two walked inside the shop together, Oli's hand on the small of her back, something couldn't help but doing all the time.

They ordered and took their seats after, Marissa wasting no time to start on her tasty treat. "So, is this party going to be big or just a few close friends?"

"It's not just close friends, but it's not going to be huge or anything. He just decided to throw a random party, I guess." Oli spoke in between licking his ice cream cone. Marissa giggled at him as he got some on the side of his mouth. She reached over and wiped it off, like it was nothing. Oli could feel his heart beat pick up, but he kept himself calm on the outside.

"You're very messy, Oliver Sykes." She playfully stuck her tongue out, revealing her tongue ring, which always drove Oli mad, but not in a bad way.

--

Marissa emerged from her bathroom to twirl around in front of Oli, who was sitting on her bed, waiting for her to decide on what to wear for the party tonight. He was being very patient with her, having been sitting there for two hours already, but he understood that her nerves were probably getting the better of her, considering she hasn't really been out and around anyone besides him in a month. Maybe two. Who knows, it was hard to keep track of when she was okay with going out or when all she wanted to do was hide in her room.

"How does this look?" She asked, as she twirled around once more. She was wearing a pair of tight jeans, an off the shoulder blouse with a skull on the front, her black beanie, and a pair of ankle boots. The answer to her question was easy, simply because Oli always thought she looked beautiful, even when she was bra-less, in a shirt and pyjama shorts with no make up. That was actually how he preferred her; comfortable.

"You look amazing, Marissa. I haven't been lying to you this whole time, I promise. You would look good in a clown costume, if you chose to wear one."

Marissa let out a soft laugh, followed by a sigh. "Alright, alright, I'm done torturing you. Let's go before I find something else I want to try on." She grabbed cigarettes and pulled one out before putting the pack in her pocket. She grabbed her lighter off her dresser as she followed Oli out of her room.

When they were outside, she lit the cigarette up, taking a well-needed drag before climbing into Oli's SUV. Then, they were on their way to Nicholl's house, where the party was at. She couldn't help the thoughts she had of something going wrong, because something always went wrong when she tried to do something fun, or just tried to do anything outside of her house, period. It was a never ending, vicious cycle that was taking what was left of her sanity day by day.

They neared Nicholl's house not too long after. Her stomach felt like it was doing circles and her head swam with negative thoughts, along with occasional voices that weren't suppose to be there. She looked around at all the cars parked outside of the house, her nerves kicked in even more now.

"Oli, there's a lot of people. I don't think I can do this."