You & I

I ran my hand through my newly highlighted collarbone length hair. Kieran cooed from his spot on the floor and I grinned at my baby. He kicked his little legs around and made small noises as I ate my cereal. Unlocking my phone, I opened up the messages to send a text to Micah, but caught sight of Riley's name towards the bottom.

I know I shouldn't do this to myself, but I can't help it. Opening up the thread, all of the messages we sent months ago sat before me and I read them. They were stupid things he would text me during his break and I would respond with how Kieran and Serena were kicking or interesting cravings I had been having.

Tears filled my eyes as I read the conversations from a happier time. This was the longest I've been without Riley since met five years ago. I ran a hand through my hair again and exited the thread. It hurt too much to continue to read. My planned text to Micah was forgotten and I washed out my now empty bowl.

Kieran giggled and I laid next to him on the floor. His chocolate colored eyes stared at me and I kissed his forehead. Sliding my fingers over his sides, little giggles escaped him and I laughed. He was just as ticklish as me.

A single, loud know echoed through the apartment and I turned towards the door. Pushing myself into a standing position, I left Kieran on the mat which was placed on the carpeted floor and ran towards the door.

Once I opened it, breath seemed to evade me.

Riley.

"Eden," he greeted breathlessly.

"What are you doing here?" I hissed.

He shrugged and I made note of how sad his deep brown eyes looked, "I missed you."

I scoffed, "missed me? I need a better fucking explanation!"

"You've changed your hair."

"Obviously," I snapped, "it has been over three damn months since you've seen me."

Riley sighed and it was then I noticed the cold, February rain pouring outside. He was obviously getting soaked, but I needed him to suffer.

"I'm so sorry, Eden."

I made a noise of disbelief and slammed my hands on the doorframe, "you haven't even seen your son. You didn't visit in the hospital and you were already gone by the time he came home."

I just needed time to heal after Serena..." Riley answered trailing off.

"When have I had my time to grieve and heal?" I snapped, "I've been getting up multiple times a night to take care of our son by myself when you promised you would be there! It would have been easier if you would have left from the beginning!"

He held his head down, "I couldn't leave you alone and pregnant."

I laughed bitterly, "no. No you couldn't. You just left me alone with a sick infant."

"How many times to I have to fucking apologize?" He yelled and I could hear the pain he felt. It was in the cracking of his voice, in the pain that washed over me, it was seeping out of his every pore.

I nearly gave in and let him enter the apartment, but I couldn't bring myself to hold the door open farther. All of those lonely nights I spent crying on his damn pillow kept haunting me.

"You don't have to apologize more than once," I spoke calmly, "I just can't forgive you right now."

"Eden-"

"No, listen to me. I love you. I love you more than I have ever loved anyone who isn't my child," I interrupted, "I was just starting to move on with my life. Why? Why do you come back once I finally decided to stop mourning the love I lost?"

"Please," he began.

I shook my head, "just leave, Riley," I mumbled before shutting the door.

Tears leaked out of my eyes and I held onto the wall for support. Did god hate me? Does my misery bring him some sick pleasure? Is this punishment? Three days after deciding to finally get over Riley, he comes waltzing back expecting me to forgive and forget.

Not this time.

Kieran let out small cries, so I dried my tears and walked over to him. He wiggled around on the floor and I scooped him into my arms. His ting wails settled immediately and I kissed his head.

"Take my hand, take my whole life too," I sang quietly, "for I can't help falling in love with you."

The song was no lullaby, but I loved and Kieran seemed to enjoy it as well. His brown eyes stared up at me and it seemed I was singing only for my benefit as it wasn't even close to his nap time.

I didn't realize I was crying again until drops of water hit his small face. Taking a seat on the couch, I wiped away the salty splotches and sniffles. Rain hit the window as thunder rumbled and I sighed.

My mood was as dreary as the weather.

****

Breathing out a sigh, I looked around the apartment. My father wanted to take Kieran for the night and give me a break. I honestly didn't want a break; I loved spending time with my son. Without him here, I had no idea what to do. Nothing could hold my interest, my mind would wander to either Kieran or Riley. It's been a week since he came around and valentines day came and went with me being a bitter harpy. Even though Kieran occupies most of my time, I can't escape thoughts of my ex. Maybe I've punished him long enough. Maybe I should just forgive him. Doesn't Kieran deserve to have a father in his life.

Sitting up straight, I nodded to myself. I'm being too fucking immature. I should put aside my feelings and anger towards Riley and remember that Kieran is his son too. That Riley wants to involved and that is an ideal situation for teenage mothers. Slouching my shoulders, I realized that my need for Riley is also outweighing my anger towards him. My son isn't the only one who needs that goofy brunette.

Pulling out my phone, I bit my lip as I dialed his number.

"Hello? Eden?" He answered, "is everything okay?"

"Yeah," I responded, "I just... Can you come by so we can talk?"

"I," Riley started before pausing, "alright."

Ending the call, I laid back on the sofa and covered my face, preparing for our next conversation.