Suffocater

In all my life I’ve gone to a total of zero parties. There’ve been the typical birthday parties with balloons and gifts from Toys R Us, but none of which have remotely resembled the drunken picture presented on every TV screen in America. In my head I pictured myself with a red solo cup surrounded by a flock of guys—drunk of course because what’s a party without getting a little tipsy. February 15th is our post-Valentine’s day mourning period. Addison made plans to hang out with Colby. For her and Alex, the idea of spending time with a twenty-one year old was an undeniable amount of fun. I think I’m the only one who denies that idea. The opportunity to sit in a poorly lit apartment with three drunk boys—granted one was fairly attractive, though had a girlfriend—was one I wasn’t excited to take. Of course, it wasn’t my place to say anything, though.

I showered, put myself in a fairly decent shirt and brushed my hair—without straightening it. I’m running late, like usual, but Addison likes to be early and when she says to be at her house by 7:00 it means we’re actually leaving at 7:30. We aren’t even sure if the boys want us over, but we’ve already told our parents some bullshit story that we’re going to a movie and then dinner. I actually wanted dinner. When I walk through the door, Addison had already been trying to call Colby for the past thirty minutes. For some reason she continues to believe that her and Colby have the grandest relationship and I’ve been too afraid to tell her any different. For one, he’s about three years older; secondly, the guy’s a jerk.

“Colby won’t answer,” says Addison. It’s 8:30 by the time we come up to this conclusion and my stomach has already begun eating itself. Alex is sitting next to me trying to get ahold of Kevin, Colby’s friend. Addison tosses around the names of twenty-one year olds who can get us some beer. For god sake must alcohol determine the amount of fun we have? I've been asking myself this a lot lately.

“Lindsey and Megan are going to a party tonight,” Alex suggests, “We should call them.”

Lindsey and Megan are on the dance team with us. Personally, I could live without knowing Megan, but Lindsey is actually pretty bearable. At this point, I’m willing to do anything that allows me to get out of Addison’s godforsaken bedroom.

Addison’s eyebrows perk up and she dials Megan’s number. She says that the party starts at 9:30 and it’s supposed to be huge. Also, there’s going to be booze. I ponder the idea of drinking myself silly. This is supposed to be our “Post-Valentine’s Day” mourning period and I hate to be one of those pathetic, self-pitying singles on V-Day, but my February 14th was particularly awful. All I did was dress myself like I was going to a funeral and ignore any semblance of romance. Except, I did happily watch Clueless while my parents went out for dinner.

Once Addison hangs up the phone we’re already piled in my Chevy Tahoe with the newest Jason Derulo song on blast. Typical Saturday night tunes. The good thing about this weekend is that we’ve got Monday and Tuesday off as well, which I believe the school did in order to grant singles the time to repair our blackened hearts before the next school day can start. Or it serves to let the de-flowered girls recover from their otherwise horrendous two seconds of sex.

Apparently the party was all the way in the boonies, way down by the Balloon Fiesta Park and for us rich kids, that meant we were delving into the ghetto. Carls Jr. is on the way, thank god. My stomach’s half-way through eating itself by the time I can shove a burger into my esophagus. Processed meat never tasted so good.

It takes us about 20 minutes total to get to the party house and while we were all expecting to find a hard time parking, I slipped easily in beside the red Camero. I recognize a couple of the cars. A Mustang, an El Camino, and to my surprise a shitty green Honda was backed into the corner of the large lot. My thoughts were confirmed when Alex spoke up.

“Hey, I think that’s Sully’s car.” She kicks the wheel lightly and proceeds towards the front door with Addison. My stomach drops at the idea of seeing Sully. In a good way, though. Maybe.

It was only two days ago that Alex told me his ex girlfriend was desperate to get back with Sully. Not only that, but Sully seemed interested in that idea as well. Not like Sully and I were much of anything, as of right now we’re only acquaintances and I the pathetic girl with a crush.

Standing outside the door I can pick up the numerous voices of the party. Laughter. Chaotic footsteps. Mingling voices. The deep bass of dubstep. Lindsey meets us at the door finally, followed by a large yellow lab. Poor dog, he’s probably seen some serious shit.

“Not the moonshine, you dipshits,” says a male voice not too kindly, “it’s my parents’.”

Addison, Alex, and I peer around the corner of the room and enter the kitchen area where a tall, red-face boy with a black and white striped scarf is stuffing a nearly empty bottle of moonshine under the sink and other equally nerdy looking kids are standing by lazily. When he notices the four of us standing there he flashes a bright smile and stands upright. “Hi, I’m Danny welcome to my humble abode.”

“This is Addison, Alex, and Selena, they’re friends of mine,” Lindsey says.

Danny nods. “Awesome. We’ve got the hookah outside and we’re trying to set up another in here. There’s some Smirnoff and soda if you want—our friends are out buying some other stuff for us.”

“Thank you,” Addison, Alex, and I chime. Lindsey takes us outside where the majority of the party is lounging around a fire pit. Within seconds I notice Sully’s blonde head amongst the sea of insignificant party goers. He just cut off the shag he’d be sporting for the past three years and I’m barely getting used to short-haired Sully. I like it though, I can picture myself running my fingers through his hair as we make out. I begin to blush at my untimely imagination.

“Look who’s here,” Lindsey exclaims. She skips into the group with her perky smile and settles herself between her best friend, Cassidy, and Megan. Addison is her usual ostentatious self as she greets everyone and makes her presence known. Alex and I slowly merge into the group, me throwing up an awkward wave.

I sit beside Alex on the edge of the bench, halfway in the conversation and halfway in the inky darkness of the night around us. Danny had brought us Smirnoff and Dr. Pepper, so I quietly sipped on the mixture as I tried to participate in whatever conversation went on.

“You can be the Lucky 7,” Sully says to Addison. As he says this I realize that Addison is wearing a particularly slutty shirt. I looked down at my own outfit. A raglan t-shirt with light wash jeans that were too short, showing my St. Patrick’s Day socks. I wish I had straightened my hair…

“What’s Lucky 7?” I ask, though my question goes embarrassingly unnoticed. I take a sip of the Smirnoff.

“When do we start filming?” Addison quips. Her cup is already halfway gone. Jesus that girl can drink. I remember the last time I hung out with her when she was drunk. It was with Colby and Kevin and we were at their apartment doing absolutely nothing. She ended up disappearing into Colby's room for the entire night doing god know's what... Now that Addison won't be able to do that tonight, I'm sure she's going to be looking for another victim to "satisfy her needs."

Sully’s best friend, Josh, starts laughing. “I have a camera on my phone, Sull.”

“Where’s an empty bedroom?” Addison says. Sometimes it's like I'm the mother and she's my daughter. Terrible Sixteen must be the word for it.

“Can someone please tell me what the heck?” I say. I look to Sully for this answer. He seems happy to reply.

“A porno—I’m a director, you know?” He says this with a crooked dip of a smile, one that sparks my intrigue. Maybe I could be a porn star.

I laugh and shake my head at the nonsense unfolding before me. “I’m serious!” Sully says, “It’s my goal to make a Jackass movie and a porno. I have it all planned out.”

“Oh really?”

“Yes, really. Do you want to be in it?”

I consider his question, although this wasn’t exactly the interview to jumpstart my new porn star career. “I guess so,” I say with a small smile.

“Great! We start now!”

“Now?” Addison asks.

Danny joins the group finally. “What’s happening?”

“A porno, that’s what,” Josh quips. He gets up from the bench, cup in hand, and beckons everyone to join him. “Let’s start this movie, shall we?”

I look to Addison, who is now holding an empty cup, and Alex who doesn’t seem to be paying attention. Megan is surprisingly excited to be starting this porno while Lindsey seems to be questioning the party she’s decided to attend. I look to Cassidy as well and I see her flirting with a friendly blonde that I can’t seem to remember the name of. So this is what a real life party is like…

xxxx

Danny apparently has a loft with a random mattress, over two dozen crumpled up chocolate wrappers, xbox skins, and a guitar. A few of us manage to pile into the small space. Addison refilled her drink while I set mine down by the fire and never went back for it. We had gathered around Megan and Cassidy for the moment.

“Just do it!”

“No balls!”

I look to Josh, Sully, and the blonde kid Cassidy’s been seeing and can’t help but laugh at the situation I’ve been placed in. We go from calling a douche bag twenty-one year old to attending a party with my fellow dance team members being pressured to make out. While I, too, am cheering them on, I’m at least doing it with a little bit of class. Josh seems especially excited to see the lesbian moment occur between Megan and his ex-girlfriend.

Then, with a few more jeers, Megan and Cassidy are locking lips—passionately I might add. The whole group bursts into laughter.

“Okay, that’s it—I’m done,” Cassidy says. She quickly curls into Blonde Kid’s arms with her cheeks as red as the cup she’s holding.

“We should play suck and blow,” Addison slurs. I snap my head quickly to her with a look of terror.

The chance to make out with Sully is incredibly tempting. I glance over at him. He’s talking to Josh while he picks away at the guitar. Sully looks so good with his new hair, plus I’m sure he’s a great kisser. Except, I can’t seem to recall a time when I’ve actually stuck my tongue in someone’s mouth. Cody Dons, my former "fling," only gave me light kisses, surprising considering he was a major horn dog. Now I’m going to be forced to play tongue hockey for the first time in front of all these yahoos? As much as I’d love to stick my tongue in Sully’s mouth, I’m not sure about Addison’s suggestion.

Megan jumps up with a wide grin. “Yes!”

Everyone else puts in their utters of agreement and suddenly I’m forced to play the game. We all assemble ourselves in a circle, girl-boy-girl-boy and I position myself next to Sully. The two of us sit in silence. I can’t manage to utter even a “So, are you having fun?” Instead I just take a sip of a random cup on the table.

“So, the rules are that you must keep the card between your lips—no hands. If the card falls then you have to make out with that person,” Addison says. She flashes the ace of hearts to the group and everyone’s faces are tinged with excitement. Except me. My heart is thudding so hard against my chest that I’m legitimately concerned that Sully will hear me next to him. My arm pits are getting sweaty too, thank god my sleeves are black.

Addison begins and the card quickly goes through three people until it drops between Megan and Blonde Kid. Cassidy looks on with a suspicious raise of her brow. Megan and Blonde Kid make out according to the rules and begin again. Blonde Kid successfully blows the card to Cassidy and the card begins to travel smoothly among each person. Then Sully takes the card and I position myself, beating heart and sweating armpits, to face him. He’s looking down at my lips, whether to plan his target or to admire their cushiony softness, I’m not sure, but I’d like to think the latter.

Suddenly, our lips are pressed up against each other’s, but there’s a fucking card between us so I guess we’re not actually kissing. I try to suck up the card though it’s surprisingly difficult. I remember playing suck and blow when I was a freshman and I seemed to accomplish that with flying colors. Maybe I needed to warm up before beginning this game.

Sully and I continue to struggle with the card and truthfully I’m not trying my hardest, but I must admit it’s not as easy as it looks.

The card falls. Our eyes lock for a brief moment before I turn my head to face the group and see a bunch of smiling faces. These aren’t friendly smiles. They’re the smiles a hyena would make when he’s cornered a baby gazelle—or whatever they eat.

“You have to kiss him, Sel!” Addison says. I look to Alex who doesn’t seem like she’s going to offer an ounce of help. Then, to Cassidy who seems to be on the same boat as Alex, and then to Lindsey who actually doesn’t look to be paying attention. She’s glaring at some Kayla girl talking to her ex boyfriend. I make an honest effort not to make eye contact with Sully because I’m terrified of seeing what kind of reaction is coloring his face. Does he want to kiss me? Or has he noticed my sweat stains?

“Just kiss him, Selena, it’s no big deal!” Says Megan, none too shamelessly herself. But, it was a big deal.

Fuck it.

I look into Sully’s bright eyes and he’s already leaning in, his light lashes slowly descending. Here we go…

It feels like forever until our lips finally meet, but when they do my heart does a backflip. I’m in shock. Two days ago I was mourning the death of our potential to be together, and now I’m making out with him in front of twelve glossy eyes. At my first party. He reaches his arm around my waist and deepens the kiss, delving his tongue farther into my mouth. Truthfully, it’s kind of slimy and all I can smell is saliva. But, the actual fact that I’m kissing Parker Sullivan makes my mind sing with joy and causes a little firework show in my stomach. I don’t want it to stop. I want to say, “Let’s get out of here.” Instead, I pull back and lick my lips unconsciously to look at the group—purposely avoiding looking at Sully’s expression— staring at us and begin once more at this dreaded game of suck and blow. After all, it’s a party.