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I looked in the mirror and put my gray cap on my head. There. I was officially a part of the Nazi party.

I didn’t even want to join the party. My original plan was to move to the United States and join their army. Due to the fact I didn’t leave my homeland – Berlin, Germany – in time, I was stuck with joining the Nazis.

I seemed like a strange man. What German didn’t want to be part of Hitler’s army? I didn’t want to join because personally, I didn’t believe in scapegoating. I ended up joining because my father forced me. He feared that Adolf Hitler would do something else to me. Something else that would probably ruin my life forever.

It was July of 1944. Jews were being captured and brought to Auschwitz and other death and concentration camps by the thousands every single day. Not only Jews were being brought in. Many other groups of people were too. Gypsies, homosexuals, mentally challenged, handicaps, Jehovah Witness, and even the Polish. My question was, why? Why was Hitler hating these people so much? They were human beings like us Germans. Why would you want to kill your own kind? These people haven’t done anything to the economy like Hitler said they did. Hitler wanted them gone because they didn’t fit in the perfect little world inside that crazy brain of his.

I thought of Hitler as a monster. Millions have been killed because of him and he even created a perfect race. That race was called the Aryan race. Did you have blond hair and blue eyes? Then you were part of this race. Did you just have blond hair? Or did you just have blue eyes? Either way you were not part of Hitler’s perfect race. Good luck during the war!

“Wolfgang Heilbronner, get downstairs! The party is waiting for you!” I knew that gruff voice. It was my father.

I face the doorway of my bathroom. “I’ll be right there!”

Quickly, I took off my cap to fix my short, straight blond hair that had black and brown spots here and there. After the cap went back atop my head, I examined myself in the mirror. My Nazi uniform was fresh. The gray was clean and didn’t fade anywhere yet. The jacket-like blazer was fitted to my torso while the gray pants nearly bulged out of my knee-high black boots. A red band with the swastika was wrapped around my bicep. I had very little pins since I just joined the Party.
I ran downstairs.

“There he is!” Vater greeted. He walked towards me, his hands outstretched. “My boy, now a soldier.”

Vater was a Nazi as well. He had been one since the Party was formed. His brown hair was combed neatly under his cap and his chocolate brown eyes, which I inherited, looked at me proudly.

“So, Bruno,” a friend of Vater’s said. He was also wearing his uniform just like every other stranger I didn’t know at my own party. “How’s it like to have your son become one of us?”

Vater chuckled and put an arm around me. “It’s wonderful. But don’t forget he’s twenty-five. It was bound to happen sooner or later.”

I forced a smile. If Vater knew that I didn’t want to become a Nazi, then – never mind. I didn’t want to think of the possibilities of what could happen.

Mutter came over with my two younger sisters, Aalyshah and Abbey. Aalyshah was sixteen and Abbey was nine. Mutter and my sisters were the only people that knew why I didn’t want to become a Nazi. They respected me for that and Mutter and Aalyshah agreed with me when I told them the reason why. Abbey was still too young to understand it.

“Wolfgang, how does you uniform fit? Does it fit nicely?” Mutter asked.

“Yes. It fits fine,” I said and chuckled as Mutter patted it and wiped away imaginary lint.

“Everyone!” Vater suddenly yelled. “Let’s congratulate my son, Wolfgang Heilbronner, for making the choice he made.” He turned to me. “Becoming a Nazi will be one of the best decisions you have ever made in your life. You’re doing the greater good for Germany.”

The other Nazis cheered. Then, each of them put a right hand straight out in front of them at a forty-five degree angle. The words “Heil Hitler” escaped their mouths. For a second, I thought Adolf Hitler was going to come into the room because they were so enthusiastic.

I must say, Vater tended to aggravate me to no end sometimes. He really had has mind set to thinking I joined the Nazi Party on my own. He didn’t understand that it was him who forced me. If it wasn’t for his constant nagging, I would’ve been in the United States by now.

I separated from the crowd. Aalyshah and Abbey grabbed my hands and dragged me to our curved staircase. They sat me down.

“When do you leave?” Aalyshah asked me.

“For Auschwitz?”

She nodded.

“In three days,” I said. “Why?”

“Because we want to spend time with you during those three days!” Abbey exclaimed. “We have to make the best of it. We won’t be able to spend any time together once you’re in Poland. Poland and Germany are two different countries, you know.”

“I know,” I said, sighing.

“Tell all the kids at Auschwitz I said hi!” Abbey said, beaming.

Aalyshah and I looked at each other, gulping. Abbey was too young to know about where the children headed once they reached Auschwitz. She was too young to know anything about the war, really. Abbey was clueless about Auschwitz, Dachau, Treblinka, and other camps. She didn’t know millions of people have been killed. The gas chambers and crematoriums weren’t part of her knowledge. She didn’t know about the Aryan race. Hell, I bet Abbey didn’t even know what Aryan meant. She didn’t know about the piles of dead babies at camps, people digging their own graves, people taking “showers”, mothers getting killed because they were pregnant, or people getting their belongings taken from them. She didn’t know people’s heads were shaven, they were given numbers, and they had to wear striped clothing. She didn’t know people were losing their identities. To her, everything that was happening in the war simply only happened in nightmares.

Aalyshah, on the other hand, did know that these nightmares were reality. Vater broke the news to her just before summer started. For weeks she cried, and during those weeks she refused to talk to Vater. She hated that this was happening just as much as I did. But, she was able to realize that she couldn’t do anything to stop it so she started to talk to Vaterr again. Although, she couldn’t look him in the eye. To this day she still couldn’t.

After a few minutes I moved away from my sisters. From a corner I watched everyone enjoy the party. Nazis were talking about the end of the war. They laughed after Abbey stated Hitler might lose.

“Picture the Führer losing,” a Nazi said. “That’ll never happen. He’s too powerful and he knows what he’s doing.”

I sucked in a deep breath. Then I turned away to go upstairs to my room.

My large suitcase was already packed for Auschwitz. It lied on my bed, untouched for a week. To be honest, I was actually scared to go to the death camp. I have never left Germany before. On top of that, I’ve never even left Berlin. I wasn’t what one would call a social and outgoing person. That was why I wasn’t married unlike most people my age.

Mutter came into my room. “Wolfgang, why aren’t you downstairs enjoying the party?”

I shrugged.

“Is it because of the Auschwitz thing?”

I nodded.

“You shouldn’t’ve let your father suck you into this,” Mutter said. “You’re a grown man. You should be able to make your own decisions.”

I shrugged again.

“Wolfgang, are you alright?”

“Yes. I’m fine,” I said, but I didn’t sound very convincing.

Mutter gave me a look of sympathy and then turned away to go back downstairs.



“Get inside!” Vater yelled menacingly.

Five days later, Vater and I were standing on a platform, gathering Jews. As the adults went in the cattle cars, it was my job to put the children in. We had the orphans go in a separate cattle car. The Jews reluctantly followed our orders and we were able to secure the doors within minutes.

Vater and I began to walk over to the passenger cars. I tried my best to ignore the screaming Jews. Their screams weren’t helping the feeling I was getting from the scorching July sun. Wearing these uniforms in July definitely wasn’t one of my favorite things to do.

The train began to take off as soon as Vater, me, and the other Nazis entered the passenger cars. Vater and I sat next to each other. Two more days of this train ride and we would be at Auschwitz. I wasn’t looking forward to unloading the Jews. I was already informed my job was to take the children to the gas chambers. How would I live with myself knowing I guided children to their deaths?

“What’s on your mind, Wolfgang?” Vater asked as he read a newspaper.

I shook my head.

“You don’t seem excited.”

How could I be? I never wanted to be here in the first place but thanks to peer pressure, here I was fulfilling Hitler’s dream.

“You are excited, aren’t you?” Vater asked.

I didn’t respond.



The train whistle blew as the train pulled into Auschwitz-Birkenau two days later. Vater and I followed other Nazis out of the passenger cars and to the cattle cars. I stood back as Nazis unlocked the doors. Children came to me just like they were told to do. I smiled, hoping it would help them forget about the screaming adults behind them. Gosh. There must’ve been four dozen children staring at me. Forty-eight children were going to die because of me.

I took out my map of the death camp. The gas chambers were quite a walk from here. I looked at the children. Some were crying while others looked around at the frightening area surrounding them. A child asked where his mother was. One exclaimed she didn’t want to die after she watched a Nazi hit an adult in the back of the head. It was time to get these children out of here.

“Everyone ready?” I asked.

“Where are we going?”

How was I supposed to respond to this? “I’m bringing you to the showers.” My stomach dropped.

“I like showers!”

“That’s good,” I murmured.

A Nazi walked up to me with his group of people. His group contained the elderly, pregnant women, women holding their babies, and more toddlers. The Nazi motioned for me to follow him to the truck. In the back of it, we shoved the prisoners inside. Some screamed. Others held onto the children. The Nazi locked them in and then the two of us got in front and began driving through the chaos that consisted of confused prisoners, screaming and scrambling to follow orders. We guided the unfortunate souls to their deaths.

As we drove, the prisoners observed the ARBEIT MACHT FREI sign through the very few peepholes they had. Chills ran up my spine. The children began to get riled up when they noticed the prisoners dressed in striped clothing. The Nazi next to me yelled at them to keep quiet. The order was followed.

It was only minutes later when we reached the gas chambers which were located at the rear of the camp. A few more Nazis were there upon our arrival. Black smoke came out of the chimneys which meant a recent group was just killed. Fortunately (I think) this group was still convinced they were taking a shower. They wondered aloud what the vile smell was but none of us Nazis answered them. I got out of the truck and went around back. Once I undid the hatch, the prisoners began to file out. A Nazi handed each of them soap and a towel to keep the shower façade running. I was told to follow them in the dressing room. There, I helped some of the toddlers undress. I put their clothes in a pile another Nazi already started. Then, I opened another door to the gas chamber. The naked arrivals walked into their death unknowingly. I quickly closed the door and someone else locked it. Then we bolted out of the building.

Not even a minute later the arrivals began to scream. I heard some pounding at the door. I was tempted to open it but due to the selfish reason of not wanting to get myself in trouble, I didn’t. Some of the Nazis with me looked into the peep holes. Their laughter echoed across the death camp. The screams and door pounding began to grow quieter until all I heard was a little child crying. Its little fist pounded at the wall. I put my hand against where the sound was coming from and waited. Soon, that sound, too, became a thing of the past.

The laughing Nazis became louder. They started to ridicule the dead Jews in the gas chamber. I stayed where I was, my hand still on the wall. I closed my eyes and took a deep breath as a tear rolled down my cheek.

Not even an hour into my new job and I was already hating myself.