635798

I refused to return to the mansion after that. I couldn’t find the strength to look at Vater. Aalyshah and I walked to the exit of Auschwitz together, but she was on her own from there. She took 635798’s uniform with her. I couldn’t bear to look at that either. Once we were separated, I made my way towards the Nazi headquarters. Needless to say, I felt like a stranger in there. I haven’t been there for the longest time and the SS men and Aufseherinnon (more than one Aufseherin) knew it. Their eyes stuck to me as I passed them, heading to the dining hall. Only four other people were in there. I sought for an isolated table and set down my rifle. A Kapos acting as a waitress made her way over as I sat down.

“Can I get you anything, Herr?” the waitress asked. Her blue eyes glistened at me and the light made her blonde stubble shine.

“Alcohol,” I said quickly.

“What drink?”

“Anything. Just as long as there’s alcohol in it.”

The waitress came back with an empty glass and multiple bottles. Whiskey, scotch, beer, and wine were set in front of me.

“Couldn’t decide what to bring you,” the waitress said.

“This is fine. You may leave now.”

I waited until the waitress was gone before pouring my first drink. My train of thought was all over the place, therefore I didn’t know what liquid I was tasting. Whatever it was, it burned harshly down my throat. It felt as if someone was slicing it slowly. I didn’t care. In fact, I couldn’t care less. The pain was clearing my mind from what happened. I didn’t want to think about that now. I swallowed the rest of the drink in one gulp. To the next drink.

After four drinks, I felt disconnected with my body. My mind was in swirls and other insane patterns while the room spun. This was not what I wanted to happen. Why couldn’t I be a clueless drunk? My emotional effect wasn’t ideal either. Instead of giddy, I was feeling even more depressed. 635798 waltzed across my mind. It was so easy to imagine her fear of the gas chambers since she knew what went on in them. I could see Lenz dragging her to the trucks violently. Her whimpers would frighten the other prisoners, but they would refuse to do anything. 635798 would strip down to nudity upon arrival. She’d trudge into the chamber with the other women, probably crying. Once locked up, the Zyklon-B would be poured in and –

I took another swig of the liquor. Stop thinking about it. But how could I? Her eyes – big, melted pools of chocolate – kept haunting my mind. They glistened with her tears that I was all too familiar with. Her skeleton of a body trembled, threatening to fall to pieces. Beads of Zyklon-B hit her shoulders, causing her to be one of the first to scream. Once the first person dropped dead, everyone’s voices erupted.

Stop thinking about it.

Bodies were dropping like flies. 635798 was still alive, but sitting down. She was growing weak. There was no more screaming and trembling from her. Just her tears. I could see her holding herself, watching the people around her die. She didn’t budge when someone dropped into her lap. I could see her eyelids drooping, covering those melted pools of chocolate. Only one more tear slipped down her face when she herself fell back.

When I snapped out of my imagination, my knuckles were stained white from squeezing my glass. Some liquor was still in it. That little bit didn’t burn my throat. That stopped three drinks ago. The glass almost slipped out of my hands as I tried to set it back down. Multiple glasses were swirling before my eyes. Liquor didn’t go in my glass when I tried to pour some more. I got confused with another drunkard glass.

What have I done? What. Have. I. Done? I broke the promise that I made to myself. I couldn’t save her. She didn’t survive the war. She was dead because of my decisions. How could I have not seen this coming? I should’ve been more eerie since the night Yitzchak threw 635798 against the fence. Lenz should’ve been my red flag the day he raped her. My third strike – when Vater beat her – was the day I should’ve stopped all this risky nonsense. But no. I didn’t listen to any of the warnings. I was careless to not look around and check for prisoners. If I had done so, I would’ve spotted Shlomo. Therefore I would have been able to warn 635798 not to come.

Then there was Lenz. How could he betray me like that? He promised not to say anything. Promised. His excuse meant nothing to me. There was no validation to it. A Nazi and a Jew having a relationship was unfathomable – I get that. I understood that. But that was why I asked Lenz to help keep 635798 and I a secret. If Abbey – a nine year old innocent child – could not say anything, how come my best friend couldn’t?

But I guessed none of that mattered now. 635798 was dead and there was no way for me to change that. She was dead because I made the mistake of trusting a devoted Nazi.

That meant I betrayed 635798. I told her I would stop anything bad from happening to her. She knew that. That was why she was angry with me whenever she got hurt in front of me. Now look where she was. Her tattered uniform was hidden with Aalyshah and her ashes were in the ovens.

What have I done?

I squeezed my glass to the point I feared of breaking it. I wanted to throw it across the room. I wanted to flip over this table. I felt the need to shoot every person that walked by. Hurting anyone and anything sounded like an amazing idea.

I quickly drank the liquor as tears rolled down my face.

“Hey. Isn’t that the Heilbronner boy?” someone asked.

“I’ve never see someone drink so fast,” another said.

I threw my glass across the table, jumping as the crash echoed against my ears.

“Someone’s upset.”

I looked up to find an SS man standing in front of me. Another one, a lanky man, came over too. Both stared at me, curiosity sparkling in their eyes.

“You okay, Wolf?” one of them asked.

They seemed like multiples to my eyes. I couldn’t tell who to stare at. “She’s gone.”

“Who?”

“She’s gone.”

“Who, Wolf?” the lanky man asked.

“Eh. Ignore him. Probably just another Aufseherin was killed and she was his lover.” The chubby SS man waved me off.

“How could you be so nonchalant about it?” I yelled, causing others in the room to look over.

The chubby SS man blinked rapidly in surprise.

“She’s gone. GONE! And none of you understand.” Before I could control myself, I grabbed the table’s edge and flipped it over with all the strength I could muster. The chubby SS man screamed as it fell on his toes. The lanky SS man backed away, but his pants were still soaked. Everyone watched me, shocked, as I stormed outside, my rifle at my side.

It only took me a few minutes to walk over to the grassy path. Maybe I could see an apparition. It was possible. I was drunk enough. It was possible that something shootable was there too. That would be nice. A great way to let my frustration out.

I froze in my tracks. 635798’s post was only yards away. My heart sank. No 635798. No apparition, no flesh and blood, nothing. There was nothing but the brick post. I shuffled over there, my feet scraping against the ground. 635798’s spot seemed untouched. There was a mark in the dirt from where she sat and footprints still covered the area.

If she was never caught, she would be sitting here right now. We would be talking about the strangest of things, just like we always did. She could be eating and drinking while I watched her, wondering how she survived before. If she was here, we could be holding hands right now, just staring at each other, hoping for the war to end.

If she was never caught, she would still be alive right now.

A tweet sounded above me. I looked up to find a blackbird on top of the brick post, hopping along. It cocked its head once it noticed I was staring at him. It fluffed its wings as if it was asking me to say something.

“Why?” I nearly screamed, feeling the tears come back. “Why didn’t you warn me?”

The blackbird cocked its head again.

“You could’ve warned me!” I sunk to my knees, covering my face with my hands. My body trembled and I let tears slide down my cheeks. Fuck military bearing. Fuck everything now that it was taken away from me. My sobs were loud in the eerie camp. The blackbird made a silent tweet. “You could’ve warned me.”

The blackbird tweeted again and didn’t stop. Its song grew louder than my cries. I looked up at it. How could it be so happy in a place like this? Why did it even come? It should’ve warned me. It would’ve been able to see Shlomo. It could’ve sang out a warning. But it didn’t. And now 635798 was dead.

The gunshot of my rifle exploded through the camp and the blackbird’s carcass fell in front of me.



“Wolfgang!”

I looked behind me. To my surprise, Arzt Mengele was rushing towards me.

“Hello Arzt,” I said. “Why are you on this side of the camp?”

“Just wanted to enjoy the morning air!” The Angel of Death smiled. “Also, I needed to find you. I would like to show you a new experiment I’m working on.”

My stomach churned. “Uh, I can’t exactly leave my post.”

“Aw, c’mon Wolfgang. We all know you’ve ignored duties in the past.”

I sighed. He got me there.

I reluctantly followed him out of Buna. This morning was an awkward one. It was the first time that Lenz and I have ever refused to talk to each other, even make eye contact. He yelled orders at the prisoners while I stood quietly as usual. The prisoners seemed to notice our tension. Some were frightened to look at us while others stared at us in wonder.

Arzt Mengele and I made our way to the main blocks in Auschwitz I. We passed Block 11, which was alive with screams and the laughing SS men. Block 10, Mengele’s block, was unusually quiet. Usually women were screaming. Women, because they made up most of the population of Block 10. I found it odd, since Block 10 was in the male’s ward of camp. But what did I know?

As the doctor and I walked in the building, Arzt Mengele said, “The experiment’s here for now, but she’ll be transferred to Birkenau soon.”

“Your experiments have genders?” I asked.

“Well they are real people.”

My breath caught itself in the middle of my throat.

“This experiment is a special one. Usually I like to do my experiments on twins, as you know. But I had this wonderful idea. Why not compare results of a twin to someone who doesn’t have one?” Arzt Mengele snapped his fingers. “Brilliant, I know. She’s also part of another one. I want to compare results of mini experiments of two look-alikes who aren’t related. This girl is perfect for the job.”

I opened my mouth to say something but Arzt Mengele interrupted me.

“We did one mini experiment on her already. I wanted to see what her organs looked like and if twins’ are different. Needless to say, they aren’t. No anesthesia was used, but I don’t understand why she was screaming. Surely it couldn’t have been that painful.”

I bit my tongue to stop me from saying anything.

“She has stitches on her left side-”

“Uh, Arzt,” I interrupted. “Who are you even experimenting on?

“Let me show you! Her room’s over here.” Arzt Mengele went to a door on our left and opened it. “No need to fear,” he said into the room. “It’s only me. I brought a friend along. Come look, Wolfgang!”

I stood in the doorway.

“Isn’t she lovely?” Arzt Mengele asked.

My knees nearly gave out from under me.