635798

January 1945.

It had been exactly one year since 635798 was sent to Auschwitz. She wouldn’t let us celebrate her birthday since she felt it would be celebrating the one year anniversary as well. Nonetheless, Siostra Katarzyna still brought up a cake that had a 24 written on it. For someone who didn’t want to celebrate her birthday, 635798 sure loved cake. Her slice of fudge cake was gone before anyone else’s. Siostra Katarzyna informed her that her present hadn’t come in yet, and 635798 later told me she didn’t mind. She didn’t want a present anyway.

Marta sent her some money and 635798 hid it instead of spending it. 635798 reentered the stage where all she would do was stare out her peephole. I never asked why. It seemed like something she needed to do so I let it happen. Every now and then she sniffled. There were many times when she would randomly fall in my arms and start crying. Again, no questions were asked. I just let it happen.

Vater sent a letter. It informed us that the women involved in the Auschwitz revolt back in October were all hung. 635798 told me days like those weren’t pleasant. The whole camp had to gather around the victim during roll call to watch it happen. It was supposed to be some sort of lesson for the prisoners, one that tried to intimidate them. Instead, it encouraged the prisoners. Each one had the mindset that they were the ones who wouldn’t get hung.

635798 said hangings happened at least thrice a month.

About a week before February, 635798 and I were having a typical morning. I sat in the kitchen area reading while 635798 was looking out her peephole. She wasn’t crying and I took that as a good sign. But she was still expressionless. I had no idea what she stared at every day. For all I knew she could’ve been there to make me think she was doing something when, in fact, she was thinking. I couldn’t help but wonder how greatly her one year anniversary of arriving at Auschwitz bothered her. Lately she had been waking up in the middle of the night screaming. She would spend the rest of the night in my arms but I was ignored whenever I asked questions.

635798’s expression suddenly changed. Eyebrows knitted together, she said, “Wolfgang. A new nun is here.”

I got up from the table and walked to her spot. There wasn’t anyone when I peeked outside. I turned to 635798 and shrugged. 635798 went back to looking outside again.

A minute later, the signal was made. After I gave approval, Siostra Katarzyna walked in. An old, plump nun was behind her. She had round glasses that lifted themselves when she smiled. 635798 shot me a questioning look. I couldn’t help but shrug.

“Wolfgang. Six. This is Siostra Mariola. She’s the nun who has been helping me gather your food and other necessities,” Siostra Katarzyna said.

I waved sheepishly.

Siostra Mariola laughed. “I speak German as well. It’s nice to meet you both.” She turned to 635798. “I have something for you. I heard it was your birthday a few weeks ago.”

635798 stayed expressionless and stayed where she was. It took a wave of the hand from both Siostra Katarzyna and me to get her to walk to the table. Siostra Mariola set down an almost flat box on the table. It was wrapped in blue paper and a tiny string kept it together.

“It was difficult to find. I’m so happy I got it!” Siostra Mariola exclaimed happily.

635798 slowly took off the string and paper. Siostra Katarzyna and I leaned in closer to see what was so difficult to find. 635798 stared at the silver box, confused. When she looked up at Siostra Mariola, the nun giggled and then urged her to continue. It took a few seconds for 635798 to take the lid off. Once the gift was shown, she froze. Siostra Katarzyna’s eyes widened and I felt mine did too. Suddenly, the room grew so quiet that one could probably hear all of our blood flowing.

“Isn’t it beautiful?” Siostra Mariola said in glee.

“Uhm. Siostra? Six isn’t Catholic. She isn’t Christian at all. She’s Jewish. I told you this,” Siostra Katarzyna said.

“Oh, I know, I know. But I just wanted to show her how happy I am that God let her reunite with family and friends!” Siostra Mariola exclaimed, clapping her hands together.

My stomach dropped and by the look on Siostra Katarzyna’s face, hers did too.

635798 stared blankly at her gift. In the box sat a crucifix. It was small enough to hang on a wall. The quality of it was nothing special. I’ve seen Catholics who had nicer ones. The cross on this one was wood, and one could easily see at what places it was chopped. The nails that held Jesus in place seemed to be actual nails. But the Jesus-part of it was what I thought got to 635798. The model was thin, making it look like Jesus’s bones were sticking out. Blood was painted on random parts of his body. Jesus was stuck on this cross and was reluctantly tortured. 635798 was reluctantly thrown into Auschwitz, where she was tortured against her will.

“Uh, Six hasn’t seen much family. She’s talked to only one friend,” Siostra Katarzyna said.

635798’s grip on the box’s lid tightened, but she didn’t stop staring at it.

“Oh, she will see her family. God is keeping them safe. I thank God every day that the Nazis don’t torture the Jews,” Siostra Mariola said.

635798 winced silently but I still heard it.

“I don’t mean to be rude, Siostra, but the Nazis are torturing them,” I said.

Siostra Mariola shook her head. “The videos the Nazis sent out say otherwise.”

I felt the need to slap her. I couldn’t blame her for believing those videos. Deceiving was the reason behind their making. Even though I couldn’t blame her, I just couldn’t get the feeling to pass.

“I thank God for everything. He’s the one keeping everybody safe during these dreadful times,” Siostra Mariola said.

I caught 635798’s jaw set.

“Now, just hang that crucifix anywhere you want,” Siostra Mariola said. “You can pray to God and he’ll answer all your prayers. He’ll help you to the end.”

Siostra Katarzyna opened her mouth to say something but 635798 beat her to it.

“No. No He won’t. He never does.” 635798 never looked up from the crucifix.

Siostra Mariola blinked her eyes a few times, taken aback. “But… But He did answer you. That’s why you’re here. He brought you here!”

“This was technically mein Vater’s doing,” I said.

635798 finally looked up, glaring at the new nun. “Exactly. I. I didn’t ask to come. Come here. I stopped asking for. For things long ago. He never answered me. He’s not real.”

Suddenly, Siostra Mariola was glaring as well. The tension in the cold room was stifling. Siostra Katarzyna and I stepped back. If we had to come in and end this, we would.

“How dare you say that?” Siostra Mariola exclaimed. “He saved you!”

635798 pointed to me. “No. He did.”

“With God’s help.”

“With his Vater’s help.”

“His Vater got his ideas from God.”

“Or he’s just smart.”

Siostra Katarzyna and I glanced at each other. We knew this was a heated conversation and it was only getting worse. I tried stepping towards 635798 but the argument continued.

“And who do you suppose is keeping the Jews alive in those camps?” Siostra Mariola had her hands on her hips. “Hmm?”

“NOBODY!”

Everyone in the room jumped. 635798’s voice was so loud that it cracked and it lingered in the room. I’ve never heard her scream so loud ever since I met her. The poor nuns never heard her talk until now, let alone scream.

635798 was heaving and she had large tears racing down her face. “Nobody is helping them. They. They die. Die by the thousands. Every day. Every. Single. Day. Your videos lie. They took away our families. They killed Mama. They killed Papa. Even my friends. They took everything. Even our names.” 635798 showed Siostra Mariola her tattoo. “See? God doesn’t. Doesn’t do anything.” She wiped away her tears but new ones quickly formed. “Your. God. Damn. God. Isn’t. Real.” She went back to her chair by the peephole and no more was said from her.

Siostra Mariola’s mouth was agape. “Why. I. Never. What blasphemy!”

Siostra Katarzyna, who seemed unaffected by 635798’s comment, ran to her friend. She urged her to follow her downstairs. Siostra Mariola obliged. I put the lid back on the box, the crucifix still inside. Before the nuns left, I handed it to Siostra Mariola.

“Keep this,” I said. “I think she made it clear she doesn’t want it.”

After hmphing, Siostra Mariola put the box inside a pocket and left. I closed the door once the nuns were out of sight.

635798 was looking through her peephole, trying to act like nothing happened. Her tears were fast and she sighed deeply every few minutes. I walked up to her. When I put my hands on her shoulders, she flinched. It took her a moment to relax. I started to massage her. She trembled under my hands.

“I can’t. Can’t believe I said that to a. A nun,” 635798 mumbled.

I leaned down so my face was buried in her neck. As I kissed it, she rested her head against mine. “What’s wrong?” I whispered. “What’s been bothering you?”

“That,” 635798 said. Her soft cries were loud in my ear. “Ever since my one year anniversary. I can’t help it.”

“Can’t help what?” We were now cheek to cheek and I wrapped my arms around her shoulder.

“Not believe.” 635798 wiped some tears away.

“When did you start to stop believing?” I asked.

“When. When I. I lived in. In the ghetto. After Isaac died.” 635798 sneezed. “I. I used to believe. So much. I thought He was. Was the one who gave me Marta. Gave me Isaac. But no. It was just luck.”

“Why do you think so?”

“Because Wolfgang!” 635798 exclaimed. “I’m one. One of the few people who. Who escaped a concentration camp. Others tried. But were caught. So they were killed. Others don’t dare try. So they die in camp. If God was there. All. All would escape. Or at least most.”

I squeezed her tighter.

“Nobody’s prayers are answered,” 635798 continued. “Thousands die every day. Where is the God save. Saving them from guns? The gas chambers? The hangings? Children are dying. In. In the ghetto soldiers. They threw babies in. In the air. And shot them. Like practice targets. Where is the God stopping them from that?” 635798 coughed. “Once I. I asked a man in. In the ghetto if he. He believed in God. When he said. Said yes. I asked why. Then I mentioned what. What the soldiers were. Were doing to us. He told me God is. Is trying to get to them. But they won’t let him in. I think that’s bullshit. God created man. Why would. Would he create people who won’t accept him? Didn’t Lucifer teach Him. Him a lesson? Then someone told me. Me that they are mistakes. But I thought He. He didn’t make mistakes?” 635798 hiccupped. “Are you going to say anything?”

“Do you want me to?” I asked.

635798 shook her head.

“Then I won’t,” I said.

635798 sighed. “Good. Because when. When I. I talk about God. People. People say everything happens. For. For a reason. What was the reason for this war? Why are. Are so many Jews dead? Gypsies? Homosexuals? The disabled? So many people. Why did Isaac have to die? Why couldn’t we both die? Or both live? Why did Mama die? She was pregnant! Couldn’t the. The baby live? And Papa? And Shifre? And Chaya? And Marta’s husband?”

My eyes widened. “What? When did he die?”

“Recently. Marta said he. He was in the. The Soviet Union. They won’t send his. His body back. He didn’t even want to be a Nazi! They just got married, Wolfgang!” 635798 threw herself into my arms. “Just married!”

I squeezed 635798 as she buried her face in my neck. The sobbing began, and my neck was soaked in seconds.

“Why is He letting this happen?” 635798 asked. “It’s not fair. He’s not there. He was never there.”

I have never heard someone doubt God so much in my life. Sure, I’ve done it, but I kept it inside just like many others. It wasn’t normal to not have faith in God.

“Do you think you’ll ever believe again?” I asked.

“I’ll need a miracle.”

“Like what?”

635798 fidgeted in my arms but said nothing.